I had penned down a lot of experiences over the years. People choose sides in a divorce. Friends split. Some are put in an awkward position.

I had to look for some information in my old mails. I stopped & read many of the mails & conversations. I realised how much people had reached out to help me during that time. I lost touch with a few people. Today I have written to them, apologising if I had done or said anything wrong. I have asked if we could get back in touch. I don’t know if they would respond. I hope they do.

I always tell people who ask me about the decision to go apart….I tell them that it is their decision as only they know what happened between the two of them. I might have a version of my story. P would have his. I know some would choose to believe and back his version & some mine. I do not claim to be all innocent neither would I take all the blame. The divorce happened, does not mean that friends must not be together. It is highly unlikely that P & I cross paths physically ever again. We do talk to each other in a civil manner thanks to having to share a son.

I don’t know why I have the insane reasoning that I must not have any ill-will with anyone I know. There is a friend who said I try to please others too much & am stupid to do so. I think may be it is driven by the fact that I don’t like to lose people. I cannot ignore neither can I let go… It may be the result of my loneliness & lost feeling that I want people around me.

Whatever the reason, I do not want to lose nice friends. I know I will get remarks saying they moved on you do too. They don’t care why do you?! Well I do care! I dont know why?! but I do. That is me!!! May be stupid, crazy or however one might chose to describe it.

I know P has moved on but it does not take away the hurt I feel. I cannot explain it and I don’t think one can understand why I feel how I do. I don’t understand why; how can anyone else?!

As usual I digress….crux is I hope people I have reached out to get back in touch with me. At least just a hello to say they are fine!

I really don’t want to hear a lecture on how some people come and go in our lives….these are not some people who are acquaintances….they are good friends I care about even if I am not in touch with them.

I honestly don’t know why I am penning this down now…may be some day I will read these posts and rethink like I just read all those old mails/chats. Those mails & chats have brought a lump in my throat. I just hope when I read this again later, I smile and think I did right by reaching out!!

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Comments
  1. Laksh says:

    Apar, you did the right thing and trust me I understand how you feel for I am very like you with respect to people. I do not let go if I can help it. Whether or not people respond is immaterial. I am glad you gave in to how you feel about them and acted on it.

    Hugs!

    • Apar says:

      Thanks Laksh!! I don’t know these days if I am doing anything right! :( Really seems like I have the penchant to always end up wrong! God if She exists only knows if I will ever do anything properly!!! :) I do know I am lucky to have friends like you!! That is when I feel blessed :)

  2. I read some where in one of the buddhism magazines – “Forgiveness is about helping ourselves, not the people who hurt us” . I truly believe by reaching out to your old friends, no matter who or what caused the pain and separation, you are taking good care of your “self” and doing the RIGHT thing. If your old friends reach back to you, it’s only beneficial to them.

    At times i am really amazed how resilient you are. The thing that comes into my mind now is – “It’s not how many times you fall that matters, It’s how many time you get back up.”. I think you are doing just that. Keep it up.

  3. Archie says:

    Apar you never cease to amaze me with your generosity and good will :)

  4. rads (@rads) says:

    Sorry about the separation.
    Rgd being nice and caring – that’s what makes u, you. The only place where you may need to work on is expectations. easier said than done, and am still working on it, but it’s do-able. Am halfway there with most people, and have barely made any progress with ones who are very close to me.
    life is such. what to do. :)
    take care – am Rads of Tunneling thru btw

    • Apar says:

      :) Well…the divorce happened. No, I have not made terms with it yet…but will soon be there! This is because of the lows I hit every now & then.
      I am glad to say that those who I reached out to, did respond :D. I did not have any expectations of them replying. Felt good…but also made me realise that I can not expect things! Should try do that with everything & everyone! :D
      I have stopped by Tunneling thru’… in, lbs & me is something I do relate to! ;) I keep telling my friends that I am fat, old, ugly hag hoping to at least be fitter!! :D Exercise routine I fall into & once it breaks for some reason or the other becomes a long break :(
      I may not fit into my jeans I wore last millennium but I just hope I dont have to buy bigger pants or go elastic totally ;). You look fab by the way in your DP on twitter

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