I am a divorcee!

Yes I am a divorcee… I am not proud of it or anything. It is just a fact. I don’t know why I must hide or be ashamed of that? It happened…and here I am. I have my life ahead of me. It did not end there, did it?

Why must people “advise” me to not divulge this? It is not like I have committed murder, I am not a paedophile or any such thing to be secretive about this. The number of people who said…you are going to a new job…Don’t tell anyone that you are divorced. Just say that your husband is abroad!!

What is the reasoning behind this?! Should I be ashamed that I could not make my marriage work? That I am a single mother who has resorted to living with her parents?

I feel that those guys who assume that since I am a divorcee, I will be ready for flings & hit on me shamlessly should be the ones who must follow restraint. Those who box me into some stereo-type…

Why can’t I just let be? Why must I lie? Sick & tired…these are really the things that pain me about my divorce…. Grow up all!!

 

Decisions

We face many a situations where one has to decide. I fall back many a times on the fact that being Libra makes me indecisive Starting from something like choosing which route to take, what to choose out of a menu to eat, to life changing decisions… I take my own sweet time! I also do sometimes rely upon others to help me take the decision. Too many times have I been told – No, you decide what you want. (I don’t hold the other person responsible for anything that goes wrong… just to make things clear )

When it becomes of the case of Hobson’s choice, don’t we keep wondering – what if we had chosen the other? I have been told and I do believe too that

No matter what you do, someone is going to think it was the wrong decision. The important thing is where your conscience stands on the issue.

Then why does my stupid brain go on overdrive? I totally admire people who make their decisions with ease (and élan or at least seem to.. ) and more so those who do not have any regrets whatsoever.

I say I don’t like people talking in riddles. I know that this post would probably seem just that way (even ridiculous to some?!). Just that I am at kind of a crossroads weighing in a decision I took almost a year back. I don’t regret the decision, but I don’t also know what it means going forward. I now face the point where I wonder if I have to speak my heart out or just not. Questions alot in my mind. Do I? What if I do? Will things be different? Do I just let it go as it is right now?  The worst part is I do know what is up ahead in a way. So, will my decision make any difference? Not really is what I come up with. I feel whatever it is, I would have at least been truthful to a person I care about a lot (and to myself of course). Yet, I wonder what is holding me back!

There are days on end when I wish I could turn back time, tweak a few things here and there. Well, I can’t. No one can (if any one can…please let me know. Need to make a few requests ) Looking forward, hoping everything turns out alright and no one gets hurt. Human emotions & relationships are weird to say the least!!! I can’t please all as much as I strive to. All I can be is true to myself and those I care about (more importantly those who care about me! … now shouldn’t those two actually be the same set of people?!?). We have one life to live, and I want to live my life to the fullest extent possible. I wish have no (or minimal) regrets and when I leave this life; I hope that if at all I am remembered by anyone it is with fondness.

I better stop now before I go on every tangent possible. My ruminations are random indeed!

 

 

Accents & English

Recently, I was chided when I did not talk “Inglish” to a white person. I wonder if such people know how Indians are perceived by most of the other parts of the world.

This post by AP Lawrence is a classic example. As an Indian I am offended by the “No India” option but at the same time, I wonder if people working in the customer service industry can put in a little more effort.

In fact, here I must pen in my experience with CS here. I was phonebanking. I clearly chose English as my choice of language. The customer support officer could not understand a word of what I said and distinctly had spoke english with tones of tamil… eg., “transfera?!” She could not understand simple banking terms.

Another time, I called some one in the US. Spoke in English the whole while, and he in the end had to send me some documents over for me to look at and sign up. He asks me if I knew English! I responded saying I did and was wondering what I was communicating in so far?!? May be he was wondering if I knew how to read! Benefit of doubt

I know many take pride in talking “Inglish” but if we as a country want more business as outsourcing points, at least those sectors must get themselves trained in English. I suppose they are; but old habits die hard right?

Anyways, why do I let go off “Inglish” is simply because I was tired of repeating when others say pardon, excuse me… Good if I can get the other person to understand in the first go, right? To me the key to any language is communication. If one could get the other one to understand without accents – well and good!  Though I wonder if it is possible over the telephone, where accents get accentuated. Sign language works too   Again not possible over the phone unless you are video conferencing

 

Remarriage!

Reema had written this post on the issue of remarriage of widows, widowers, the attitude of  Indian society toward both. I agree to every single thing that she has written.

This post though stems from a different situation – an extension to what she has penned in already. From what I have heard and faced over the recent past; I should say that the attitude extends to divorced men & women too. In this day of rising divorces & broken marriages, I don’t know how many go through all this!

It is so easy for people to accept a man take on another wife while it is blasphemy if a woman thinks of the same. There are some who say, if it happens it is alright but don’t go looking for a relationship. A relationship went south once…so take care or live for your kid, get a career. Suggestions to forget one’s needs or replace them (one supposedly would be too busy to notice and when you do, you would be too old and it would be too late. Worry about it now – then the response Why are you thinking of something so far away?!? ).  A woman is not strong enough if she looks for a partner – get a grip! is what one hears. You will be fine! Though it is absolutely acceptable that the man “moves on”, dates, finds a partner proactively!!

I am just reminded of Revathi’s Marupadiyum (Shabana Azmi’s Arth in Hindi) where the woman chooses to be single. The dialogue sticks out in my head now : the heroine says the woman has grown up being a daughter of some man taking that name, then she takes on her husband’s name, then the mother of her kids.

So, when ever will the woman live for herself and not be penalised for it? Let a single woman be; if she wants it that way, let a woman not take her husband’s name; if she wants that….and if a divorcee (well in India you are that…not single again!) wants to live alone – so be it or if she looks for a relationship…why not?

Personal choices have no place! Being judged by society, being stamped as whatever – will these ever stop?There are times when I think single women (widows & divorcees) make that choice because of the attitudes she may have to face finally. It gets to you – the society….even if you don’t want to care, at some point it does overwhelm you to resign yourself to fate!

If this is the plight of women in a city where most of the population is educated. I don’t even want to think of those in villages where “tradition” has its place! Poor women stuck in marriages where abuse is the norm (physical, emotional, sexual….)

I doubt if these prejudices would ever end! At least I don’t think they will in my lifetime. I don’t even think I am being negative here. I feel that I am being practical – cynical yes, but pragmatic! Here is to hoping I am wrong!

Next time, some one wants to say “get a grip!” , “stay strong” – Stop!! The woman probably is doing it already!!

 

Neither here nor there!

This post has been coming for quite some time now! I have shared this with some people I know about how I don’t feel like I belong. It was not that I felt like I belonged in the US when I was there. I was adapting to the life and learning to love the weather, the people – Many friends who were there who shared my dilemma or did not (I mean those who got the opportunity to work there).  It was not a great life, but it was supposedly my home. I put in my time to work on it, decorate & maintain it. Put in thoughts to make it feel like a home – welcomed friends to home cooked meals, hopefully made them feel nice. I did not like American football. To me, football would always be their soccer. Though, I was initiated into it by a friend who taught his kids’ school teams. I remember one time when we had friends over for the Superbowl when the guy taught P the nuances of the game and he was surprised I had picked up so much in just a conversation in some summer barbeque. We had watched the game over Indian food, red wine & awesome cheese,  pleasant company.

I digress….anyways…the point is after almost 5 or 6 years, I guess I had actually grown roots there. Fast forward to now! I am living under my aging parents roof facing divorce (phew …even I am tired of saying “soon to be ex” when I talk about P) I have been hearing about how he has been packing my stuff since Dec ’06, how he has been talking to the lawyers since only he knows when!! I am yet to receive the papers or our stuff! Life has been weird here. Bittersweet in a way. Found new friends in fellow bloggers. We connect well. They care a lot for A & me….still I feel lonely. Desparate. Feel like I don’t belong here now. Another 5 year haul to grow roots here with A in tow?! I am scared of facing this conservative society – when they hear of divorce it is my fault! At 32, without many skills to boast of , I don’t know where I am headed. I have realised that it is each to one’s own. Everyone is busy, they have their lives. I was one who let go of everything if a friend asked me for help or just called to talk. Guess, back in the US, friends become family. Here I have a family. They are concerned…I know that but are not always considerate because of their own circumstances. Friends are at a loss for even words. No one knows what to say. I am not trying to play the victim here and enjoying it as one person told me. Believe me it is not fun being the victim. Just plain fact that things are not easy. I feel like I don’t belong.

I feel like I left my friends behind there but when I read their blogs or chat with them, I no longer relate to them or their lifestyle/attitude even. I feel like I have no one here in India. I know my parents would rather not have me here at their place; but they are glad I am not somewhere suffering alone. They can’t do much but they can provide a safe shelter. They don’t know what they must do except know that their daughter & grandkid must not suffer. I don’t speak much to my parents because it mostly ends in confrontations ( a whole different post…probably will never get written!) I am just tired of being the depressed person that needs to crib to friends. I feel like I am pushing them away. They don’t know what to say because I don’t want to hear clichés or talk about karma /God/ time. Nobody can really help me out in a way either.I know I have A. Though I know that he right now is more of a responsibility; I cannot think of how I would manage if P stops sending the money that he is sending me right now! What then? My parents have no income and are living off their savings. So, A, unless I am financially stable, makes me think I made a huge mistake having him. Live in the present people might say….then when I am broke tomorrow, how do A & I live?

Just a day when I think it must all end!

 

How to Blacklist the trolls?

Having read this entry, I decided I should put this up for those who might want help in doing the same.

Here is how.

1. Click on the Settings link (upper right corner of page, next to Users link)
2. Click on Discussion link at top of page

3. Scroll down to Comment Blacklist box, paste the IPs in it. You could also type in words (words in its content, name, URL, e-mail, or IP.  It will match inside words, so “press” will match “WordPress”.) you find offensive too

4. Don’t forget to hit button on the page.

Let us all do away with trolls

Edit

To add the image to your side bar:

1. Click on Design link on the settings page.
2. Click on the Widgets link.
3. Add text from the list of available widgets.
4. Then click on the edit link provided in the text widget that is added to your sidebar
5. Copy paste the following to
<span><img src=”http://mirrorcracked.files.wordpress.com/2008/10/trolls.jpg” align=”center”><br/></span>
6. Click on the save changes button.

 

Congrats!! :)

That goes to my best friend from school. Trust me when I say she has endured me for a looong looong time She had a baby girl on 19th Sep. ( She missed having a libra and enduring one more in her life apart from her sis and me ) I am so happy she had a girl. I am waiting for A and I to get rid of the cold we have before we go see the little angel

Now that said and done; I was appauled by something that Y told me when we spoke after her delivery. She delivered in a premier hospital here. Her parents distributed sweets after hearing the news. Seems the nurses, mothers-to-be, their relatives said this ” Why are you distributing sweets for the news that your daughter had a girl?!?” Thank God, the docs did not say that! It would have been  more shocking.

Why? Why in this day and age this still exists? When I told my mother this…she said her parents never felt bad about not having a boy (my mom and aunt the only kids they had). More than that, my great-grandma was happy having 2 grand daughters off her first son. Guess that is the lineage I come from, so much so I was a tad disappointed that I had a boy (don’t take me wrong…I love A. He is the light of my life….still). I so wanted a girl.

I am not going to be optimistic and say things will change. There will always be people who say they want boys and only boys. All has been said and done about how wrong this is. It still does not stop me from being outraged when I hear such things that too from supposedly educated people (that too nurses?!?! Give me a break!) Though I have heard the comments the nurses have told women in labour which shocked me even more!! If these nurses are like this…why take up nursing? worse why in L&D?? I am thankful that my experience with giving birth was something wonderful. The nurses were excellent. They seemed to love their jobs and they acted as if each and every baby was theirs!! Hope this clan grows and every where in the world.

Wow…I just read my previous paragraph…I started saying I am not going to say things will change and ended up hoping!! Well, that is me!

 

Patriotism!

What would you call patriotism? I came across this person who goes “I am really patriotic!” then in the same breath would go, “I know you get play-doh here; but that which you get from the US is way better.” or “Clothes sent to to me from abroad fit better than those here. I prefer getting those.” “Let me know if someone is coming from anywhere, get this for me or that.” “The sun glasses even the branded ones are better from there”…well you get the picture.
I stopped telling the person that things are fine as they are here. Ended up not reacting to anything. Then why this post today?! The person ended up telling that I was from a civilized country (ref is that I was in the US for a while!) I am ticked off really. No.1 Does it imply that India is not civilized? No.2 I hate being referred to as the person who came back from the US!! I spent time there cos at that point, my life was there. Period.
At this point, I should also mention an anecdote. This is from a school principal I had to meet. Their school had some exchange programme with kids from the UK visiting around Independence day. They were given those pin up flags. Seems the kids took another flag, turned it over; drew the Union Jack and pinned the flags on either side! Now that is impressive!
Why do people go about saying they are patriotic while all the time their mind is about going elsewhere or getting things from elsewhere? May be I am being a prude or whatever; I don’t condemn foreign goods neither do I derogate Indian ones. We are not in the era where we burn anything foreign and wear only home-spun khadi; albeit why this adoration to all things foreign?!
If life takes me elsewhere, I will go. I would be Indian wherever I go though! I will be a global citizen if and when we can travel wherever with no visas (so, I can say that it will never happen! )
Ok…my rant is over. Don’t know if I made sense like many of my other rants; nor really conveyed what was in my mind; but I just had to pen this down!

 

Food for thought!

On coming across the life of Riley, I also came across this one. Now for all those compulsive bloggers, may be you all will mull over this!

Not me for a change. Not many would miss me on the blogosphere Honestly there are days when I wonder if anyone would miss me in the real world even. Morose thought, I know. We keep saying everyone is expendable. Is that really true? Then why do we have so many tributes or entries where someone is remembered? I have heard the pain dulls away but triggers bring all of it back.

I am a person who needs communication with all who I find near and dear. I am crazy about keeping in touch. A freeze on that is a punishment on me or so I feel. I also feel that when I try and keep in touch, I wonder if I am bugging the other one. Whatever the reason, please those who know me don’t freeze up on me or let me know the reasons!

Boy…can’t believe how my thoughts flowed in the entry!! Sorry…just typed as I thought.

 

Tears – Could they ever run dry?

I came across these lines in my random browsing. Don’t quite know who penned them or even where I got them. Had copied and saved them to be read later. Cleaning up files, came across this. Again these lines are way too apt for my life right now.

“In the meadow
the fantasy reveals
the echo disappears
your illusion remains

In the dark
tormented soul
the fiend
that captures my heart

the reckless soul
diabolic fiend
removing the pain
restores my bleeding heart…

The pain is very hard
i feel it every day
the images of what happened
they never go away

at times i hear voices
but mainly they’re just screams
the way i hold myself together
is a lot harder than it seems ..”

I wrote to a dear friend of mine trying to explain what I am going through. And then on I wonder, do tears every run dry? I wish they would because there is no one to hold me and tell me things would be alright, console me. I don’t know how to console myself or to just drift in the way life is taking me.

I am tired of trying to explain everything (Don’t know why I have this urge to do it to all and sundry) and I am really tired of fighting. I wish things just iron themselves out and soon because I am not sure I can hold myself together for much longer.

I don’t care if others think I am not strong (I am not and am not ashamed of saying that I want to live my life the way I want it with those I want to…). I don’t care they think I must be emotionally independent (I have not attained nirvana…and am very much human. Emotional independence can sometimes never be attained be mere mortals like me….) I am trying hard to achieve financial independence (hate it when people think I am not even trying! )