Views

I was put into my thought mode by a remark made by one of my friends today. She remarked how funny it is to see that there are people who see you in such diametrically opposite views. I have often fretted over what the other person thinks of me (I should rather say it in the present tense! ). I have this urge to please everyone, fit into everyone’s purview. Hence am always in a dilemma

I realise that it is not funny that people have such clashing attitudes toward you - to each one’s own. Just that personally, I end up trying hard to make them see me in proper light much to my own chagrin usually. I guess like some of my well wishers tell me, let anyone think whatever they want about you or think whatever….you be who you are and do what you do. Do not bother about others unless they have been proven to really care about your welfare and earned your trust.

My problem : I trust everyone! Give people more chances if they betray the trust….then I get singed. Still have not learnt my lesson! Is it that bad to trust someone? Is it not worse for the other person to break it?? Why do I feel I am answerable to all and sundry? I get so worked up if even one individual cannot get it!  I feel irritated, depressed, angry…just go through a gamut of emotions….Do I need to feel accepted that much? Boy!! Something is wrong with me! I need help!!! and sooooon before I dig my own grave. Sometimes feel like I am halfway through already! My train of thought puts me in a really self-destructive thought process sometimes. I suppose I should be patient (as I said am far from it) and positive (again poles apart!! pessimist to the core except am such an optmist when it comes to other people )

I have to change!

I think I have written how other people’s opinions about me have affected me a lot. Lately, even a small trigger puts me in that rotten cycle of self- doubt and unnecessary self-criticism that pulls me down. Worse is I end up crying to people who care about me and stand by me ruining their mood and day because of a lousy comment by someone who just has nothing else to do.

A wise friend of mine said that I try to please everyone and high time I stopped doing that. And another said I should move on and let go on my own terms for my own good….not just because some one says something is over and I have to move on.

I know that now, I am wee bit wiser; I would have wallowed in the negative emotions from remarks for a long time. I don’t seem to that now. The immediate impact is there, but slowly I realise it is not worth bothering about it. It is this immediate impact which I am talking about. I have to change to the effect to just ignore. I must learn to bother about only people who are there to really help me and truly care about me.

Should realise that words would hurt, but learn which ones to really take into consideration and which to just brush off. I am older and no wiser in this. Poor judge of people Hope I learn and quickly!!! just to avoid tormenting the well- wishers I have around me with my depression But I also realise that these comments that I hear….it is just the beginning and I have a long way to go with lots more to hear. My son, parents and friends are standing by me at these tough times.  Hope I can change for them and learn to ignore.

A good quote!

“I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you cant handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”- Marilyn Monroe
Saw this quote in my friend’s facebook profile as one of her favourites. I guess I vote for this too as one of my favourites….
Wish I could really act and react the way the quote goes…
Pity the person who said it ended up committing suicide though!

Why do I do this to myself?

I try workout atleast 4 times a week. I generally avoid Wednesday at my gym. This week, decided I should not do so and went in. 50 minutes of kicking, punching, squatting, lunging, resistance training!! Next day my butt was sore! It hurt so much. A sane person might have rested….but telling myself that determination and perseverance helps, I went for working out. Another 50 minutes of gruelling work out. Icing to the cake, had to do some grocery after the work out (I know ! yuck!!still…) I park the car in the driveway and could not get out. With great difficult lugged my shopping and myself to the door. I just wanted to sit in my doorway not wanting to climb the steps to get into my home!! Today my hamstring muscles, I think, are on a strike. They don’t want me do anything! Thank God! Today is a rest day - no workout!
Now why do I do this to myself? I found out I was not alone in enduring this pain…all those who came to the work out (including the instructor) were sore! LOL! That set me thinking why any of us do this?
I started this because I wanted to lose weight. Get to the weight I was when I got married ( a Herculean task I might add) My family has been supportive and they do tell me that I should do it for myself and not to fit into those jeans! “Friends” remarking that I could lose a few pounds or that I look “chubby” would send me into those spiralling depression moments(?!?). Decided I must do something about it and embarked on this.
The work out has been great though. I should thank people who unknowingly have pushed me into this. It is a stress reliever !! Hope it helps finally in my pursuit.
Then again to the question…is it worth the pain? Is it worth pushing oneself? Why am I really doing this? For me? To look like those models who wear skinny jeans and look fabulous? For people around me??
I know the answer should be for me to be healthy, look and feel good. ..but who am I kidding? Again it boils down to being accepted and appreciated by those around us right? Am I alone in this thought?

My first written headtrip :)

As I sit here in front of my machine, I was wondering what makes us want so much to be acceptable to all around us! Wny should I justify my opinions if they happen to differ from a friend’s? Why does one feel offended if the other person does not accept/acknowledge one’s point of view? We talk about the world being diverse and that being the beauty of it…but when it comes to something, we want all to be on the same page. To be honest, I am as guilty of it as I am a victim of this. I guess as long as we can debate it out without carrying it along, it is fine. My peeve is that people carry it too far. Just when you don’t expect it, you are blamed for something you said (might not remember you did!) long after you did! Maybe it is just me. Maybe I tend to be too forceful with my opinion and stand by them. I am also a person who accepts when I am wrong. What irks me is why don’t people see that side of me? They just see me as a person who is headstrong. I guess I am back to the question of why do we crave to be accepted by all! Well someday I hope each of us is comfortable with ourselves and others around us.