Why oh why?!
Posted: March 7, 2013 Filed under: analysis?, opinion | Tags: equality, men's day, need, oppression, relevance, respect, woman, women's day 2 Comments »I was going from one channel to another on the radio. Sick of ads saying – special for International Women’s day!! Do we really need one in this day and age? If so, why & where?
UN.org says this for why women’s day… Impatient optimists at Bill & Melinda Gates foundation say this on why still?
Yes, I understand there are many places where uplifting of women is needed. No arguments there at all.
Me personally, I don’t want a special day. I want to just be treated on par. I seriously do not want a women’s bank as proposed by the FM in the budget. My reaction was like for what joy?! I do not want special quotas anywhere. I must get something because I am worthy of that. I want to prove myself for the skills & knowledge I have. Not because I am a woman! If I apply for a ration card, and am posed a question “who is the head of the family?”; if I respond saying that I am….I want the guy there to accept it – not retort asking who my father is or husband is!!!! I am not an object of sex to be gaped at, but a fellow human being to be seen at with respect that I would proffer to the other.
Don’t get me wrong….on a lighter note, yes I want someone special to treat me as someone special 
not just on this day…but every day!!! Just waiting for that someone who will treat me as an equal and consider me special
I find that people are making this a huge joke!! Special offers, discounts, contests, walks, special messages to the special women, remembering women who have excelled in their fields. Excuse me…if we are special on this day, we are special everyday!! Those women who are achievers need to be acknowledged all the time; not just on this particular day. Alright, let all this be done…how much of the proceeds made through these sales actually go to say save a girl child from being aborted/murdered?!
I know it might sound like blasphemy but I do not support celebrating womanhood on one particular day. Do we stop being women on other days?!
I want a society where it is no big deal for a woman to walk into a pharmacy, with men around or not…and ask for a sanitary napkin without being embarrassed. Why even ask for a condom (ok…I know considering the circumstances here in India that is a stretch for now! 
). Isn’t having periods a part of being a woman?! Why whisper?!?!
We have come far in terms of equality for women and oppression. Voting, Representation, leadership, education. I know we have a long way to go to be really equal (may be when it is not considered blasphemy when I say let the guy take on the girl’s name and vice versa…after all they are getting married to each other! )
I wish people understand the significance of the day than make it so commercial that it actually loses its value.
Think I have ranted enough! 
Do let me know how many share my views. Am open to hearing opposing views too….
PS: I found that international men’s day is on November 19th! How many knew that?!?!
Freedom!
Posted: March 6, 2013 Filed under: analysis?, behaviour, learning, life | Tags: analysis?, Facebook, freedom, friends, internet, iPhone5, malfunction, mobile, network, survival, temple run, whatsapp 1 Comment »I have written about how compulsive I am when it comes to phone calls or messages. I don’t ignore any of them. I would rather pick up & give a piece of my mind than let the call go. So one can imagine how much a part of my life my dear mobile phone has become.
It has made me feel less lonely (theoretically someone is just a phone call away). I think I have ranted enough of how people don’t have the etiquette to return calls/messages or just pick up the phone and call. So will spare my readers that….
I resisted adding an internet package to my phone saying I don’t want to get addicted to being online all the time. Well, I buckled and did that too! I jumped from one fruit to another and back. I love my gadgets (another known fact now to most of those friends who still visit this space).
So, why do I feel free? I was not talking about me being single now… Yes, my phone broke down. I have an iPhone5 now. It just keeps searching for my mobile network. Everything else works fine. I know am going to hear look you spent so much on a phone that just breaks down and all that crap (excuse my language…). No…I wish I would get freedom from that kind of attitude but hey everyone is entitled to an opinion!!
I felt I would miss my phone like crazy! I did for say an hour. I went for offense is the best form of defense & before anyone could ask, I ended up saying oh my phone is not working saga!! In reality though, I just have this sense of how do I put it? relief?!
I hardly get one or two calls a day. I keep in touch with a couple of friends on whatsapp. Otherwise, I nowadays just seem to use the phone to check facebook, tweet or play games (getting addicted to temple run2). So, it seemed fine that I was not accessible. Don’t think anyone even would have noticed!! LOL!!
Nah, not giving up on my phone entirely. Hope it gets fixed. Fingers crossed but then I realised I am not addicted to it either. I can live without my phone and I am surviving. It really is no big deal. I can feel free…nothing to carry, no need to wonder if there is enough charge, spam texts not bothering me.
On my usual self analytic note, I guess once I accept that I have to live my life alone; it really might end up with me feeling free?! I probably will survive my ending up dead alone!! wow!! that is one oxymoron!! I should just start telling myself it is that simple stupid!!
PS: For the very few (1 or 2) if you do read this space, I will be back to troubling you once my phone is set right!! No freedom for you!!
Conflicting…
Posted: March 1, 2013 Filed under: analysis?, learning, life, opinion, questions | Tags: conflict, dissatisfaction, maturity, proverb, satisfaction, understanding, wonder 5 Comments »How many of us have been told …hey look and learn from that person? How much has he/she scored in some test or look at how well she/he does things? Keeping up with the Joneses has been a concept everywhere. Some time or other, we certainly have been told to be better. Look at people who are better to strive to be that way. We have been tuned to want better stuff in life. Appraisal time at work, ratings amongst peer group – obviously we all want to be above peer group. Everywhere we have to do more than we did or someone else did.
Now where is the conflict?
I am talking only about how the situation is with me. I do wonder if it is the same with others out there. When I feel down & think of my life – am told hey look, there is this person who is struggling to just get a meal a day. There is that person desperate to have a child. Count your blessings. You have a job, a kid, a roof above your head, etc etc….
So, when at that time I snap and say why must I not want more. Why must I not want a proper family (as in a dad for my child)? A house I own? or a job where I learn, improve & earn? I am told I am insensitive.
My question is when do have to stop wanting to be better? When should one stop trying and disregard the try, try till you succeed saying?
Even all those proverbs are conflicting…one can use whatever depending on which side they want to speak on
Knowledge is power vs. Ignorance is bliss
Absence makes the heart grow fonder vs. Out of sight, out of mind
Nothing ventured, nothing gained vs. Better safe than sorry….
The list goes on.
Do I keep thinking that life will get better? Or do I just say, fine I am blessed to be alive & accept the way things are?
Guess the cliché ”time will tell” is what I will be told. I guess it will be way too late & my life will be over when time does tell….I do think that my life is already over when I hear of how I must be just satisfied with what I am blessed with!! Wonder if I ever will be wise/mature enough to understand when I must want to strive to be better & when I must sit back/ relax?!
Who’s responsible?!
Posted: February 19, 2013 Filed under: analysis?, behaviour, emotions, learning, life, opinion, Uncategorized | Tags: Meaning message perception relationship woman conversation misunderstanding Leave a comment »I am only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand
I read this somewhere, it struck a chord & I tweeted it immediately.
I am getting tired of explaining what I said. I find that most of the time, we will not change our perspective of what we heard. I am guilty of this too hence use “we”.
Do we complicate things unnecessarily? Think too much into anything said/ heard?!
I used to be one of those who took the wysiwyg in this case wyhiwyg (hear) attitude. Not delve too deep, this is because I say what I think. I don’t tuck in cryptic messages. So I am quite dense when it comes to understanding such messages. Guess am not the typical woman wherein when she says no it is a maybe?!?
Over time I realise others are not the same. I need to decipher the actual message!
Why not make things simple? Just say what you mean. Saves a lot of time & effort for everyone involved!! This will also save quite a few relationships!!!
Wondering now who is responsible?! The one who says something or one who understands something else?!?
Just don’t fit in!
Posted: October 11, 2012 Filed under: acceptability, analysis?, behaviour, hurt, life | Tags: fitting in, lonely, misfit Leave a comment »This is what I have been feeling for quite a while now! Working in a company where the average age of the employees is around 25, I am old there! I did write that I found a few friends; then why do I feel like I don’t fit in….not there not anywhere.
I have come to realise why there are support groups with similar people coming together! I didn’t before this. Now I am a single mother living with her parents. My friends are single either living on their own or with their parents. So, there are times they don’t get it that I have a kid back home with my parents who I don’t want to act as parents to my son! I really can’t hamper their plans just because I have a kid, or make them accomodate the kiddo! My other friends who do have kids, well, that is another story! They are married and have a proper standard family. I can’t really hinder them either. I do feel I am part of neither group!
At work, I am older in the company than what I was when I joined but still not old enough to be tenured! So, I don’t quite fit in there either. As much as I dread being alone, it appears to be my only option these days. I would rather not trouble my friends and make them change their plans or conversations for me!
These aren’t the only reasons that make me feel like I don’t fit in. There are quite a few more….one more; some friends of mine are so out of the box thinking (I don’t have that thinking but admire them for it!) or they are so boxed in (which also I admire as I can’t do that either!)
Seriously contemplating to shut myself out from everything & everything, keep to myself rather than feel uncomfortably about not fitting in anywhere! Saves me the pain & agony – that is for sure!
One foot in each world
Posted: October 3, 2012 Filed under: analysis?, behaviour, emotions, friends, life | Tags: emotions, horoscope, loneliness, society 1 Comment »I have this horoscope subscription to my mailbox. Just out of habit, I look at it everyday… sometimes wondering what it might mean, sometimes laugh at how weird it sounds…whatever I look at this. Today’s horoscope is
You’re feeling a bit more introspective than usual today as your key planet Venus enters your 12th House of Privacy. If you must spend the day with others, you can still withdraw into your imagination while appearing as socially astute as ever. Balancing your previous obligations with your current need to be alone might be tricky unless you’re willing to keep one foot in each world
This just makes me smile!!! I was thinking as I read…hey this is what I do every day!!! Have a foot in each world. Smile/laugh go about everything while my mind is racing with other things yearning to withdraw!! Completely withdraw.
Conversations I have been having with close friends lately made me realise that each of one us is like that. Just the thoughts in our parallel world are different. I am lucky to have a few friends who I can be myself with. Be lost in my own world and not bother with civilities! I wish that each of us have someone at least one someone like that. It is difficult to live in two (or sometimes even more ) worlds constantly!! Takes a toll.
I don’t know how to switch off!! I wish sometimes I could just scream and most times, just be myself locked up in a room. Some who know me well keep asking me what good that would do! I don’t know. May be I won’t be torn apart all the time! Wallowing does not help they say. I say I am not!! Well, one thing is for sure… it will be a long time before I figure this out.
Just that I am glad that I am not alone as there was one significant person in my life who used to say I am mad/crazy/weird. Glad that it is actually normal and even if it is not, I am not the only mad/crazy/weird person!!
3 months since last post..
Posted: August 19, 2012 Filed under: analysis?, emotions, India, life | Tags: honest answer, insane thoughts, working mothers 7 Comments »What has changed? Well, I don’t seem to have time for anything at all. Not even to read my favourite blogs let alone penning my insane thoughts here. Don’t seem to spend any time with A either. What have I been doing then??
Settling down into my job. Getting used to the schedule, the people. Have I? Honest answer – No. The pluses so far: Found a few friends- Wonderful folks. Realised how important the time I spend with A is. Learnt that it is only I who has to change. Society remains and will remain the same!!!
I must say that A has been wonderful. Touchwood. He has been a good student, coping with seeing me only for the hour in the morning when I send him off to school and the weekends. Guess it is me who feels guilty. I feel like I am not being responsible especially when he has only me! My inability to cope makes me snap at him, the one person I really love. He still comes with his cute little smile and hugs me!
I must have done something good sometime to deserve this love from my kid!!!
I am now wondering (guess like all working mothers in the world) if a career is worth it or the time you spend with your kid. Being the Libra I am, weighing the pros & cons a lot!! Don’t know & confused…
A few things I do want people to know: that, just because you break down into tears/are emotional does not mean you are not strong or that you don’t have reason! Just because you have not decided on an objective & can’t say what it is does not mean you are not focused. It is not like one does not change course in life. Lucky are those who have stuck to what they wanted and got there. I am not that lucky. I have had to change so many times, that now I just go as life goes. Make the best of what is put forth to me & avoid the depression due to disappointment if I have to change once more if I decide on a path. No iron-clad guarantee that I would be able to get what I want….thing is I didn’t change paths because I gave up; I had to change because of circumstances.
Wondering now as to when I can actually share a happy post to those few who still take the time to read my ruminations!!! Wonder when I will actually find my niche – I am told I am old & should know what I want or have to do. I don’t.
I just know I don’t want to fall into depression. I don’t want to think of leaving/disappearing & abandoning my son. I must confess that I am not being so successful! 
Guess I need a break – not from blogging
I am a divorcee!
Posted: May 20, 2012 Filed under: acceptability, analysis?, behaviour, divorce, emotions, hurt, India | Tags: divorce, frustration, Lie, rant 15 Comments »Yes I am a divorcee… I am not proud of it or anything. It is just a fact. I don’t know why I must hide or be ashamed of that? It happened…and here I am. I have my life ahead of me. It did not end there, did it?
Why must people “advise” me to not divulge this? It is not like I have committed murder, I am not a paedophile or any such thing to be secretive about this. The number of people who said…you are going to a new job…Don’t tell anyone that you are divorced. Just say that your husband is abroad!!
What is the reasoning behind this?! Should I be ashamed that I could not make my marriage work? That I am a single mother who has resorted to living with her parents?
I feel that those guys who assume that since I am a divorcee, I will be ready for flings & hit on me shamlessly should be the ones who must follow restraint. Those who box me into some stereo-type…
Why can’t I just let be? Why must I lie? Sick & tired…these are really the things that pain me about my divorce…. Grow up all!!
Why?
Posted: May 12, 2012 Filed under: analysis?, behaviour, divorce, emotions, friends, learning, life, questions | Tags: annoyed, car, career, change, intrusion, intrusive, job, life, phone, Tennyson 12 Comments »I think one of my mum’s favourite quotes is
Ours not to reason why, ours but to do and die. -Alfred Lord Tennyson
Off late, this question bugs me! Why? Why are you doing this? Why don’t you think this over? I have been snapping at those who throw this question at me for whatever reason from something as trivial as why did you change your hairstyle to why did you take this life altering decision? I can understand someone who is concerned asking such questions…but the same thing from those who we say just hello & bye to?!? Ridiculous! What bothers them? How does anything affect them? Nowadays I don’t want to answer that question even if it may remotely affect the person asking it!! Like my parents!
In the down period from the blog, I am now officially single (rather divorced in Indian terms..). Got my divorce decree. I am waiting to join a new job next week. Nervous & excited. Yes, trivial things like I have changed my iPhone & car too.I have reactivated my facebook since I left my previous job (to come out of hermithood like my friend Laksh said ) I have had to listen to the question “why” for all of those!! Seriously…I have asked the same question why for my divorce and never got any answers! Me aking that question I think is valid….and I ask it to myself or bug my close friends while trying to figure things out…
Anyways… lots of changes in the last few months. I certainly would like to thank those who drove me nuts who in turn I drove crazy! (think it is more me driving them crazy than the other way round!) Been through up & down emotions through this…so thanks to those patient wonderful friends of mine. May you remain as patient through our lives….just so you have to manage me!!
I certainly don’t know what is in store. I don’t know what I will do or why I will do whatever… but as a colleague (rather ex-colleague) said…life moves on. Hope I get some of the patience that my friends have in enduring me so I can handle things better BTW, A seems to have immense patience!! Thank whoever!! (Don’t really believe in God or evil – this again is a statement by a very dear friend of mine about me! )
Well… I guess I will just do & die, not to be questioned/question why!
Should I be worried?
Posted: June 25, 2011 Filed under: analysis?, learning, questions | Tags: alert, data, gmail, google, mail, pop up, privacy, protection 11 Comments »
I was composing a mail on GMail. Yeah had “is attached” in the message. On clicking the send button…got this pop up!! I did send the mail but got me thinking… Hey are my mails being censored in some way?! Analysed, read?! This certainly piqued the paranoia in me!!
What would go through your minds if you got such a message? Just curious!?
