I am a divorcee!

Yes I am a divorcee… I am not proud of it or anything. It is just a fact. I don’t know why I must hide or be ashamed of that? It happened…and here I am. I have my life ahead of me. It did not end there, did it?

Why must people “advise” me to not divulge this? It is not like I have committed murder, I am not a paedophile or any such thing to be secretive about this. The number of people who said…you are going to a new job…Don’t tell anyone that you are divorced. Just say that your husband is abroad!!

What is the reasoning behind this?! Should I be ashamed that I could not make my marriage work? That I am a single mother who has resorted to living with her parents?

I feel that those guys who assume that since I am a divorcee, I will be ready for flings & hit on me shamlessly should be the ones who must follow restraint. Those who box me into some stereo-type…

Why can’t I just let be? Why must I lie? Sick & tired…these are really the things that pain me about my divorce…. Grow up all!!

 

Why?

I think one of my mum’s favourite quotes is

Ours not to reason why, ours but to do and die. -Alfred Lord Tennyson

Off late, this question bugs me! Why? Why are you doing this? Why don’t you think this over? I have been snapping at those who throw this question at me for whatever reason from something as trivial as why did you change your hairstyle to why did you take this life altering decision? I can understand someone who is concerned asking such questions…but the same thing from those who we say just hello & bye to?!? Ridiculous! What bothers them? How does anything affect them? Nowadays I don’t want to answer that question even if it may remotely affect the person asking it!! Like my parents!

In the down period from the blog, I am now officially single (rather divorced in Indian terms..). Got my divorce decree. I am waiting to join a new job next week. Nervous & excited. Yes, trivial things like I have changed my iPhone & car too.I have reactivated my facebook since I left my previous job (to come out of hermithood like my friend Laksh said ) I have had to listen to the question “why” for all of those!! Seriously…I have asked the same question why for my divorce and never got any answers! Me aking that question I think is valid….and I ask it to myself or bug my close friends while trying to figure things out…

Anyways… lots of changes in the last few months. I certainly would like to thank those who drove me nuts who in turn I drove crazy! (think it is more me driving them crazy than the other way round!) Been through up & down emotions through this…so thanks to those patient wonderful friends of mine. May you remain as patient through our lives….just so you have to manage me!!

I certainly don’t know what is in store. I don’t know what I will do or why I will do whatever… but as a colleague (rather ex-colleague) said…life moves on. Hope I get some of the patience that my friends have in enduring me so I can handle things better BTW, A seems to have immense patience!! Thank whoever!! (Don’t really believe in God or evil – this again is a statement by a very dear friend of mine about me! )

Well… I guess I will just do & die, not to be questioned/question why!

 

Should I be worried?

I was composing a mail on GMail. Yeah had “is attached” in the message. On clicking the send button…got this pop up!! I did send the mail but got me thinking… Hey are my mails being censored in some way?! Analysed, read?! This certainly piqued the paranoia in me!!

What would go through your minds if you got such a message? Just curious!?

 

 

What we input into children!?

A & I were driving down, passing by a church. Traffic was heavy. A read out the board of the church. I told him that is where a friend of ours goes. Something made me add that the friend was a Christian followed by the question, “what are you?”. Obviously I expected the answer, “Amma I am Hindu” but the answer that came threw me off. It made me start thinking of what we input into children. He answered “I am Indian.” Yes, logistically a wrong answer, him being American by citizenship…still growing up here, he is more Indian than many I know really!

Back to what I was posting about. I, as a kid, did not know about the caste system until I actually had to put it on some form in school. I went asking my mother who had to explain about this. This was when I was in middle school.

Aspects that have now become a divisive factor, a point on which vote banks are on – religion, caste are something children are not aware of. Are we thrusting it on them? Is it necessary!? Would it make a world of difference if we did not have these in life? Yes, lets say that there is God – but why should that make us a Christian, a Hindu, a Muslim or Jain or whatever else there is?!?!

I did not tell A that he was Hindu. I am sure he will know when his “identity” …just wondering if such divisiveness is required. Won’t we all be more at peace without these categories?!?

It is just a stupid thought that came to my idle mind!  As a parent though, it was a moment!!

 

Point of Opinion

This morning, I was struck wondering; are you right if you make more noise? The louder you are, the more forceful you are; you are right. Off late, I have been thinking that this is becoming a norm everywhere.

You are wrong , I am right. I don’t care to listen to what you have to say. I call a brown cow as purple; I am right!

This is the attitude that I have been facing off late. Usually I am a person who will argue her lungs out till the actual right thing is accepted on. Now though, after voicing dissent once or sometimes twice, I just keep quiet. I don’t necessarily agree, I don’t pursue the argument. Is this me being wiser?!?! ooh! I like that No..don’t think so. I guess I just am tired of arguing/making things clearer. I am proud to be Indian but I also am pragmatic in saying that we are not as a race that clean! I missed by a mere whisker being spat on this morning on my ride to work. God knows what diseases that guy has  that he spreads this way apart from the fact that I would feel yucky. I would never dream of going into a public toilet here in India. No way Jose!! It is a nightmare calling customer service here (I am sure that many have written & rated on this particular topic!) It just amazes me when it is just taken all in stride in my country. Worse is when someone points these out as they are, I find people actually defend it!!! I mean something that is wrong in the name of being loyal to the country?! Is it not more loyal to set things right and project a good image? Just because someone who visits our country follows what citizens do even if it is wrong does not mean we are right…is it?!  We drive wrong and those who come here… get the attitude “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em!” and become impossible drivers. Does that make our  driving good?!?! Come on!!! Wake up!!

I suppose I am writing down what I wanted to say (not so loudly ) yet trying to make a point here! Don’t know how far the point is being made! Pure co-incidence, while I opened wordpress to write this post, came across this on the home page! http://intelligentchallenge.wordpress.com/2011/01/16/you-are-wrong-i-am-right/. Interesting intelligent read

 

2010 in review – Random Ruminations

I got this in my mailbox. Here I was thinking I did badly as a blogger last year! Though I must say the following stats are pretty interesting!! Blog-Health-o-Meter™ says “Wow”!!!!!! (sorry I did have a laugh at that one! )

Wishing all a very happy new year!

I do not say I will write more…but hope I do have something to write about. Hopefully something good to share

—————————

The stats helper monkeys at WordPress.com mulled over how this blog did in 2010, and here’s a high level summary of its overall blog health:

The Blog-Health-o-Meter™ reads Wow.

Crunchy numbers

A Boeing 747-400 passenger jet can hold 416 passengers. This blog was viewed about 8,400 times in 2010. That’s about 20 full 747s.

 

In 2010, there were 24 new posts, growing the total archive of this blog to 245 posts. There were 8 pictures uploaded, taking up a total of 1mb.

The busiest day of the year was January 20th with 225 views. The most popular post that day was Urban Turban – an amateur’s review.

Where did they come from?

The top referring sites in 2010 were networkedblogs.com, heartscontentspartial.wordpress.com, words-flow.blogspot.com, acorn.nationalinterest.in, and lakshmusings.com.

Some visitors came searching, mostly for 30 questions, myheadtrip, random ruminations, 30 questions about me, and madhurika sankar.

Attractions in 2010

These are the posts and pages that got the most views in 2010.

1

Urban Turban – an amateur’s review January 2010
4 comments

2

30 questions February 2009
10 comments

3

Anybody there! ?! March 2010
18 comments

4

Abuse – not just physical! February 2010
13 comments

5

Update(s) June 2010
17 comments

 

Insecurity

A colleague of mine had put up a facebook message asking why some people are so insecure. Another colleague had replied saying that one had to live as them to understand their logic. This is what triggered this post. I have had this conversation with many of my friends and sometimes even acquaintances. Some have just let go of the topic, some persist on how life’s perspective would change if I changed my perspective. I wonder if anyone ever changes just because someone asks them to. Personally, I have changed due to what has happened to me…how people have treated me, life’s experiences – not just because someone gave me a lecture of how it would be different! May be the lecture makes an impact somewhere in the psyche (at least I feel that person cares enough to tell me to feel good )

On the same note, many of my friends do know me as a very pessimistic person. I am! Some have given up asking me to think positive. My funda – if I expect the worst, and even if a slightly positive thing happens, it makes me pleased. Instead, I am positive, expect everything to just fall in place and even when nothing happens, neither positive nor negative; I am disappointed. I choose to be fatalistic just get the pleasure of smiling albeit for a few minutes. An example – a dear friend left town promising to keep in touch with many reassurances. I said to myself, let’s see…. it won’t happen, even if it does, it won’t last for more than a week. There are so many who are my friends with whom even emails are not exchanged!! When I get a call out of the blue from that friend who left, it just changed my day. I felt great. A person around me actually commented “Hey just a phone call, and you transformed!!”. It is early days still, I don’t know how long this would last and whether we would remain in touch (I don’t want to lose my friends… especially when I am looking at a really lonely life ahead)- but each time we do maintain contact, I am pleased.

So, at least in such instances, it probably pays to be insecure. Don’t ya think? I am insecure because I am tired of being positive, working towards everything and then something or the other happens only for me to fail. I do take things up, I work hard to succeed but do not expect to. I wish I had entered my now failed marriage thinking it is poised not to work so I might have been spared the pain. May be I would have taken other decisions right!

To each one’s own. I do not tell someone who is all positive and glowing to tone down, become pessimistic. So, I just ask the same from others. Do not judge me for being insecure. I am here because it is better for me to be here. I enter a relationship, any relationship…. now thinking even a year down the lane, the person will not be there. It is not because I don’t trust the other person, but because it just saves me (actually not really, I still feel depressed and all that, but at least I tell myself hey you knew it was not to last….) I do feel like a fool too (which I probably am) What is the right way? Be positive and expect things not to go according to plan some might say…. I merely expect things to go wrong!

ps: This is one rambling that will probably not make sense at all!!!

 

How tough!

A friend of mine suggested the Gibberish & let-go technique by Osho to help me relieve my stress. Read more about it here.

I found it so tough! To talk gibberish, to say anything that does not really make any sense. I know there are times when some of my friends think that I make no sense even when I am talking something that is recognisable Just as I sat here contemplating how I can overcome this and really give this a try (anything to feel relaxed!!! ), little A (well supposedly not so little now it seems! ) sat next to me. He was in one of those chatty moods. I was sitting here reading up on stuff…guess what the little fella did?!  He just started talking…. gibberish. None of the words made any sense, just sounds coming out! After a while, he picks a book and starts reading that.

I wonder if it is just part of  growing up, wherein we lose our innocence? We lose our ability to utter nothing but gibberish even if it is for a few minutes. What am I afraid of? Am I afraid of sounding stupid to myself?!  Am I afraid of anything at all even?! Is it my being a skeptic thinking of whether just gibberish would take away the craziness stored in my mind!?

Just a few more questions added which have to be flushed out soon! May I master this technique at least! Something to make things work s’il vous plait!!!

 

Contemplating…

As usual, I am just contemplating life, God, philosophies….

Saw this as

“Q: Why should we believe in God?
A: Because there are still some questions which cannot be answered by Google.”

Sulz‘ status message on facebook. Yes, I clicked on “like”

Though, I wonder when will God answer the questions. Would these remain questions forever?! Going back to what I wrote quite a while ago… God! Give me patience, but hurry!!

I wish I could share what is going on in this place called my brain. Alas I cannot really do that now and here! Though nothing much has changed. Nothing is clear. Still wondering when I can see through the haze and know what is ahead.

The past fortnight has been quite a journey. Have had my ups and downs. The ups were not so high, the downs were pretty bad. Had a breakdown one of the days and had to resort to leaning on a friend’s shoulder. Thanks N! He was amazing and had me smiling and laughing at the end of the conversation. All this when he must have been tired after a long day at work and an early start the next day. Things I put my friends through!! Sorry guys and a big thank you!

I also learnt a big lesson. Do not trust everyone who claims to be a friend. (I know some of you there going…duh!! but I have major issues with trust. I trust anyone who says she/he is a friend and shows he/she cares!  Dumb me! )  They just get everything out of you and trample over you. As my son’s father used to say…I have been spoilt by the great friends I have! The one off case where the person is out to take advantage of you comes as a shock, worse when that person also mars your path! I mean go on ahead take whatever but do not put the other person down! I guess there are people of all kinds! Such people just makes me realise how precious the real friends I have made over these years are. I just wish the bad ones do not use “friendship” and give that a bad name!! I suppose a lesson my friend P says is finally seeping through…” hey Apar remember everybody has an agenda. Figure that out. Don’t get hurt like this. Most are like this, few are otherwise. The few would stay, the others will just get their work done!” It is so hard though to find people with agenda or what it is Lots and lots of learning ahead I suppose.

When will I get enlightenment?! Need it badly to go through now looking ahead at a life with all the responsibilities of a single mother. (I find people ever so ready to point the finger at me for every teensy weeny mistake and say I am a bad mother) and increasingly lonely days. I am trying not to infringe on my friends’ time so that they remain my friends . I don’t know anything any more not that I knew earlier. Just a little more confused now.

I have not been blogging too often because I don’t want to keep penning down all this. I don’t even know if this makes sense to anyone who reads this. Just some rants of a confused, lonely and beaten down person (this is not self-pity or anything…just a matter of fact). I hope to survive this and more that I will be facing. Now God…with the patience, just give me some strength to find happiness in the little things I have and that diminishes the lemons thrown in! I am thankful for what I have. I know I am luckier than many others in the world but I must say enough is enough. I can’t stand it any more. I have not been the lucky one (I have never had luck even in a lucky draw in FIFA – shows when you pick Barry as the player in a draw with ENG playing GER! or Slovakia as the team in another draw! Was told even if the team comes last I get something…and the team goes into the KO stages!!! LOL! ) I don’t want the riches of the world. I just want to go on without being pulled down or betrayed. C’est tout!

 

True stories…

It has been one long, lonely Sunday. I ended up watching a movie that I like – Something the Lord Made. It is based on a true story. Then the television was free…I could flip through channels and ended up at Sony Pix watching 13 Going on 30 – another movie I have enjoyed from time to time.

I am not a person who is moved to tears by an emotional movie/scene or whatever. I have been known to laugh at good jokes in a movie. I realise that I prefer movies based on true stories. They do not let us go on fantasy trips. They do not make you think life is all rosy & nice. They show reality. A positive true story does make you wonder if that can happen to you, make you feel something is possible etc.., Of course I would watch those chick flicks, comedies, fantasy films etc.., but I will try not to get carried away!!

Oops that is what I am doing now… Back to Something the Lord Made. It is about a black person who struggled despite his talent & intelligence. It took him ages to get recognition. He lived through racial discrimination, poverty and big dreams. Quite inspirational.

Alright, now I don’t know the point of this post! Just penned down some thoughts. The loneliness, the void that I looking at in life, a stupid romantic movie & a true story is what drove me to do this! Wonder where life is going – not a clue with no strength to go on! Disappointment, desperation rule.