Boy!! oh! Boy!!!

I have written about how I used to get annoyed/amused at how people used to be surprised that I was conversant in English when I was back in the US.

Now, I am facing the reverse of that! There are people who come up and tell me now; “oh your English is good because you were in the US for a while!” No matter how much I tell them that all I did was cook & clean all those years, they seem to stick to their idea!

Another thing; I was told I have an American accent at times. Now, I don’t know if I really have one or whether others perceive that ….like how they think I learnt my english back in the US?!?!

Quiet time!

I pride myself in being able to be chirpy, talkative and full of energy making new friends, keeping the old ones. Today though, was  one of those days….when I have decided that I should be quiet - keep to myself…people around me also said I talk too much and that I could not keep quiet.

So, I have decided that from tomorrow onwards, I am not going to talk to anyone unless it is something vital. I have done this several times before…when I just went into my own shell; went about my work. so, gonna do that all over again

The garrulous me is going into hibernation

Phew!

Today was a really long long day!! Decided to go out in the evening to good old T Nagar - Pondy Bazaar to be exact. Besides the day being really hot and humid, the traffic made it excruciating. Wonder if all these one ways and overhead bridges help in any way whatsoever! Feel like all the one ways just make our journeys longer and does nothing to alleviate the jams. This comes from a person who actually loves to drive around a lot. It is irritating to see people drive the way they do here and on top of it, give a hard time to those who actually follow traffic rules!?! I don’t watch movies much…but I had seen this one “Anniyan”. When I encounter hard times on the road because of rule breakers…I wonder if something would happen such that people actually obey the rules and chaos ends!! Guess I am pretty bugged

I did enjoy my shopping though

Disappointments and Expectations

Ideally a life with absolutely no expectations whatsoever will be happy. Though, is it really possible to not expect anything at all?? I have this really close friend who knew about a certain event. Automatically, I expected this person to call me and find out how things went. And was disappointed that never happened. Not a peep!!?? Eventually when the question was put forth, I was reluctant to answer….felt like the person was not really interested, not bothered to find out earlier; why should I even think of relating what happened? I probably ended up disappointing that person! Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth is it??

In effect, I realised that I could never let go of expectations in life. From minor to major ones. So, I guess I should also expect disappointments that come along with them! Or I should learn to live like a saint and not expect anything! Don’t think either of these are possible

Views

I was put into my thought mode by a remark made by one of my friends today. She remarked how funny it is to see that there are people who see you in such diametrically opposite views. I have often fretted over what the other person thinks of me (I should rather say it in the present tense! ). I have this urge to please everyone, fit into everyone’s purview. Hence am always in a dilemma

I realise that it is not funny that people have such clashing attitudes toward you - to each one’s own. Just that personally, I end up trying hard to make them see me in proper light much to my own chagrin usually. I guess like some of my well wishers tell me, let anyone think whatever they want about you or think whatever….you be who you are and do what you do. Do not bother about others unless they have been proven to really care about your welfare and earned your trust.

My problem : I trust everyone! Give people more chances if they betray the trust….then I get singed. Still have not learnt my lesson! Is it that bad to trust someone? Is it not worse for the other person to break it?? Why do I feel I am answerable to all and sundry? I get so worked up if even one individual cannot get it!  I feel irritated, depressed, angry…just go through a gamut of emotions….Do I need to feel accepted that much? Boy!! Something is wrong with me! I need help!!! and sooooon before I dig my own grave. Sometimes feel like I am halfway through already! My train of thought puts me in a really self-destructive thought process sometimes. I suppose I should be patient (as I said am far from it) and positive (again poles apart!! pessimist to the core except am such an optmist when it comes to other people )

I have to change!

I think I have written how other people’s opinions about me have affected me a lot. Lately, even a small trigger puts me in that rotten cycle of self- doubt and unnecessary self-criticism that pulls me down. Worse is I end up crying to people who care about me and stand by me ruining their mood and day because of a lousy comment by someone who just has nothing else to do.

A wise friend of mine said that I try to please everyone and high time I stopped doing that. And another said I should move on and let go on my own terms for my own good….not just because some one says something is over and I have to move on.

I know that now, I am wee bit wiser; I would have wallowed in the negative emotions from remarks for a long time. I don’t seem to that now. The immediate impact is there, but slowly I realise it is not worth bothering about it. It is this immediate impact which I am talking about. I have to change to the effect to just ignore. I must learn to bother about only people who are there to really help me and truly care about me.

Should realise that words would hurt, but learn which ones to really take into consideration and which to just brush off. I am older and no wiser in this. Poor judge of people Hope I learn and quickly!!! just to avoid tormenting the well- wishers I have around me with my depression But I also realise that these comments that I hear….it is just the beginning and I have a long way to go with lots more to hear. My son, parents and friends are standing by me at these tough times.  Hope I can change for them and learn to ignore.

A tag!

I am taking this tag from Laksh (Musings) up voluntarily just because it is different, makes me think “zara hat ke”

List 5-10 things that you have in common with the human race and/or nature.

1.  I have a mother and a father.
2. I breathe, eat, sleep, think.
3. I love, hate and ignore (at times ) people, things and events.
4. I was born one day and will die someday.
5. I grow everyday (physically unfortunately sideways now and mentally…)

List 5-10 things that you may have in common with the human race and/or nature.

1. I shed what is old to move forward (atleast wish to do so )
2. I relax with music (heard even tomatoes grow bigger when music is played to them. )
3. I love nature (wonder whether it loves me back!?!)
4. I wish to make a positive impact on some one’s life and try do something to that effect whenever I can - donate blood, pledge to donate my organs if they can be harvested, be there for my family & friends when they need me.
5. I want people to like me, accept me

Don’t really know if this is what the tag requires. I just went by what I thought looking at Laksh’s response…I cheated too

How easy?!

Today,  I was egging a friend of mine to go on a diet & exercise regime!! Me!! A few days back, I was doing the egging to a friend preparing for an exam to study and keep with the schedule.

Realised just how easy it is to get another person going…just hard to get oneself doing just about the same things!! Atleast for me! I have just about given up a healthy schedule in life…given up on walking just half hour a day (so doable, but just not doing it!)

Been a few days since I signed up with scalejunkie. Hope that would keep pushed to get back on track. Have a long way to go where I want to be in life - physically, mentally and emotionally. When I think about that, the physical bit atleast seems doable, as it lies entirely in my hands. I need to stick with my diet and exercise plan and more importantly, I should give up on the “I want everything yesterday” attitude.

Just a side note - was watching TV the other day (nothing new in that right ) an interview of Bipasha Basu during fashion week who said that it took years for her to be toned…if it took years for her…then for a person like me!!??? Well, I might as well put in a lot of effort!!

Hope I get to where I want to be and have to be. Been lying low for way too long a time…in every aspect. I want to do this for my son and me!

A good quote!

“I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you cant handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”- Marilyn Monroe
Saw this quote in my friend’s facebook profile as one of her favourites. I guess I vote for this too as one of my favourites….
Wish I could really act and react the way the quote goes…
Pity the person who said it ended up committing suicide though!

I am done!

Just wanted to vent out…and say that I am done justifying everything I have done or said (or even what I am doing). I am at the end of the rope and want to say that I did not want nor plan to be where I am right now in my life dealing with what I am.
To everyone who has had adjectives about me in one’s minds, I want to say every one is different and deal with everything in their own way. Every event might have a different kind of impact on each person and would react differently. If one had the foresight of what is imminent, one would definitely deal with things in the right way.
I was (and to an extent still get) bothered and worked up with people passing their judgement on me. Like my previous entry…they should be me in my shoes to understand what I am going through.
Don’t know where I will get the strength to face all this adversity, but I am sure I will get out of this s*** and come out smelling of roses at that!
In this same breath, I want to thank those friends of mine who have empathised and are being there for me. I want to say that I would never forget what they have done for me and don’t know how I would ever find words to thank them or make them understand how I feel.
It is easy to hurt and push some one down when they already are…and to lend a supporting hand to such is difficult and much appreciated. One can make a choice of what category one should fall in…if it is the former, one might as well shut up and do nothing - atleast not do any harm in any way. As the saying goes, one need not help; but they need not hinder in anyway atleast!