I am a divorcee!

Yes I am a divorcee… I am not proud of it or anything. It is just a fact. I don’t know why I must hide or be ashamed of that? It happened…and here I am. I have my life ahead of me. It did not end there, did it?

Why must people “advise” me to not divulge this? It is not like I have committed murder, I am not a paedophile or any such thing to be secretive about this. The number of people who said…you are going to a new job…Don’t tell anyone that you are divorced. Just say that your husband is abroad!!

What is the reasoning behind this?! Should I be ashamed that I could not make my marriage work? That I am a single mother who has resorted to living with her parents?

I feel that those guys who assume that since I am a divorcee, I will be ready for flings & hit on me shamlessly should be the ones who must follow restraint. Those who box me into some stereo-type…

Why can’t I just let be? Why must I lie? Sick & tired…these are really the things that pain me about my divorce…. Grow up all!!

 

Why?

I think one of my mum’s favourite quotes is

Ours not to reason why, ours but to do and die. -Alfred Lord Tennyson

Off late, this question bugs me! Why? Why are you doing this? Why don’t you think this over? I have been snapping at those who throw this question at me for whatever reason from something as trivial as why did you change your hairstyle to why did you take this life altering decision? I can understand someone who is concerned asking such questions…but the same thing from those who we say just hello & bye to?!? Ridiculous! What bothers them? How does anything affect them? Nowadays I don’t want to answer that question even if it may remotely affect the person asking it!! Like my parents!

In the down period from the blog, I am now officially single (rather divorced in Indian terms..). Got my divorce decree. I am waiting to join a new job next week. Nervous & excited. Yes, trivial things like I have changed my iPhone & car too.I have reactivated my facebook since I left my previous job (to come out of hermithood like my friend Laksh said ) I have had to listen to the question “why” for all of those!! Seriously…I have asked the same question why for my divorce and never got any answers! Me aking that question I think is valid….and I ask it to myself or bug my close friends while trying to figure things out…

Anyways… lots of changes in the last few months. I certainly would like to thank those who drove me nuts who in turn I drove crazy! (think it is more me driving them crazy than the other way round!) Been through up & down emotions through this…so thanks to those patient wonderful friends of mine. May you remain as patient through our lives….just so you have to manage me!!

I certainly don’t know what is in store. I don’t know what I will do or why I will do whatever… but as a colleague (rather ex-colleague) said…life moves on. Hope I get some of the patience that my friends have in enduring me so I can handle things better BTW, A seems to have immense patience!! Thank whoever!! (Don’t really believe in God or evil – this again is a statement by a very dear friend of mine about me! )

Well… I guess I will just do & die, not to be questioned/question why!

 

Reflections

Happy New Year y’all! Done with resolutions? Broken some already?! Don’t quite know if I have any readers left… steadily reduced posting in this space of mine.

I have been contemplating seriously of getting my own space (as in renting a proper apartment) and stressing out on the pros & cons; neglecting this place which is mine Anyways, as the title goes -thought I would reflect a wee bit on the year past. So here goes…

Was it good? kinda!

I had an amazing time in the few getaways with amazing friends of mine & of course A. We connected at an amazing level! Can’t wait to do yet another trip somewhere

A turned a year older and he is cuter than ever OK…mommie’s pride – I am allowed that!!!!! I turned a year older too, hopefully a bit wiser too

The divorce has finally been filed, so guess it is a matter of time before it is over & done with.

Made some new friends who I hope are long term ones. Met some old ones after ages.

Did somethings that I never thought I would. Quite an experience. Don’t know where all that is going, nevertheless some wise souls say that I must not think but just do. “Nike”  in life a close friend of mine told me

Less problems with parents (May be they just let go thinking well no point in telling anything to me…but then just that it has been a better year with them!)

Some close friends had babies. Yet to go see them (embarassed!!!) though that does not reduce my happiness for them!

Was 2009 bad?! Kinda!

Had problems at work. Still have not learnt how to deal with such ordeals.I cannot figure out why all that happened! Been told everyone has an agenda but why me?! Ok…I must never ask that anywhere! I have to mention here that I am still on a contract that ends this month end. So, doubt in life after that.

Had major bouts of depression now and then. I thought I would not get to a place which I left behind long back, yet found myself there quite a few times. Reasons for going there varied, but still got there. :’(

Misunderstanding with my close friend looms large! Just don’t like it, don’t know how to deal with it. Can’t just cut off neither can I let go. Process of growing up?!

Troubled a wee bit by how finicky people are. 6 months after getting married, people start thinking of divorce!!!! Have we become so intolerant, uncompromising?

Got some bad news from friends too. I so wish that they all get what they want as they deserve it!!!! Just their endurance with having me as a friend earns them major brownie points

Small things yet feels so big… still trying to figure out how to get a loan for a car without pay slips (again falls back to being a temp employee)

Blogged less. Hence cribbed less here?! I guess the few posts I did, I just poured things!

I have not done things I am supposed to do. Been so scattered!

In retrospect, I guess I had an average year. Not great, neither too bad.

What does this year hold for me?! – I don’t know! That bugs me. I know that no one knows what is in store for them. Just that I am tired of this state for a long long time in life now! I guess & hope that the divorce is over & done with. Other than that, nothing.

I don’t generally make any resolutions. I don’t think I can keep any! Lose weight – I must. Gym more -yes! Be a good mother – I better be for A’s sake ! Keep my friends – rather I hope not to push them away! Blog more? – Don’t know! I kept away from this just so that I don’t keep posting depressed posts. Get a space of my own, a car – becoming more long term plan rather impossible plans!

Just hoping that things don’t get to be worse than they are. Being the Libra that I am, the balance better be maintained!!

As PhoenixRitu had written as a status message

They tell me God does not give you more than you can handle … Man! Does He have too many expectations of me!

Honestly, I don’t think I can handle anything more!!! Enough is enough…just let me be

PS: This post is as scattered as my brain has been so far! I have not bothered about grammar, structure or any such thing – Sorry. Just wrote as I thought/felt!

 

Caught!

For the past few days (more like few months! ), I feel like I am caught between two worlds of thinking – the conservative world & the not so conservative (can’t quite say modern)!  I guess I have been there all my life, and the realisation of this is dawning on me now.

My mum is an amazing woman – strong, pretty open-minded even though she was brought up in quite a conservative world and times. She did her masters despite lot of opposition from family & friends, thanks to my grandpa who supported her. She is grounded. She follows tradition, but is very practical. I must say that I am the way I am because of her -good  & bad

So having her as a mother, I guess I have the same attitude – being grounded in values with a practical outlook. I must say that  I am a little more “modern” in my thinking than her. This is not a comparison between the two of us. It is just penning down how I feel off late.

I chose the person I married. It was not something of norm at least in my family where arranged marriages are the way to go. My family supported me (some of them reluctantly) They are devastated now that it has failed with a kid in tow. We do not talk about any of these now, just waiting for the legalities to end I suppose. This is the family front.

To my personal battleground – my mind. I took the liberty of not following tradition, chose a guy. Now since it is a failure, going back to the whiteboard – I wonder if things would have been different had I accepted whomsoever my parents chose?!? At least I would have them to blame if it had failed Is it weird that I expected the marriage to last forever?! I did hang on for quite a while thinking things would turn around.

Then, when I decided it was over, I started thinking that life is not over for me. I accept A is an important part of my life, but not the only part. There are days when I am made to feel guilty about that!!!! I also find myself defending my thoughts. There are days on end when I feel that this is it -this is all there is to my life now. I am amazed at how people are ever so ready to accept P moving on, finding someone else; but want me to be only a mother and nothing but. I find everything contradictory now. My mind is in absolute turmoil. Conflicting thoughts, feelings rule my life now. I am happy with A, scared/nervous/worried about future, depressed/angry about the past. How can one person feel all this at the same time is what even I wonder? How can I deal with all this? I know…live in the present – that is easier said than done.

Count your blessings my mum says. Hmm….?!?!? Anyways, this is what I was/am  and probably will be (for a long time) ruminating on. Conclusion now: My life is an absolute mess with only me to blame and no solution to anything ahead. All I see is gloom for myself with periods of insane happiness with A till he decides to leave (Hope I don’t hang on to him too much!!! for his sake!!)

PS: I don’t know if this post is even remotely coherent…I just typed in whatever. I am not even going to try look at it to make it sensible. Guess this is how my life is now!!!

 

A tag by IHM

Mother’s Day today. It is not a huge deal at my place. My mum used to tell me, “do you need a mother’s day to remember / love your mum?” or that it is a western concept or commercialising love and the likes. 

Though, I just thought that it might be an ideal day to do a tag about motherhood by IHM!

What do I not like about being a mother? There are days when I wonder why I had A. Look at him as a complication or a liability. Would I give up on him? No, never! He is the one who brings a smile (a genuine one) in everyone’s face here at home. A source of joy.

So onto the tag… what do I no like about being  a mother?

• Worrying about how A would turn out. (Especially with a mum like me and no one else)
• Worrying about what the impact of this divorce is going to be on him.
• Terrified about whether I would be able to provide for him (anything and everything that he needs and knowing what he would!)
• Being blamed for disciplining him.
• Worrying about spoiling him rotten if I did not discipline him (Where is that line?)
• Making him eat right being such a chore (Why can’t he just know what and how much to eat?! )
• Seeing him being so sensitive at this tender age, wishing he would not grow up too soon.

A is young. I guess I have a lot more to go through. This is probably just the beginning. The list might grow longer. It might lose a few points. This is a love -hate kind of thing. I love being a mother, having A in my life. I also hate it. It is difficult to pin point how, why and all that. The balance keeps shifting. Don’t know when it would settle or if it would. All said and done, I love my son and think that people who have decided to stay away from a gem like him are the biggest fools on earth!!

There you go IHM. I don’t know if I have done justice to your tag but I just wrote what came to my mind as usual. It might be a little too blunt but it is just how I feel!

 

Remarriage!

Reema had written this post on the issue of remarriage of widows, widowers, the attitude of  Indian society toward both. I agree to every single thing that she has written.

This post though stems from a different situation – an extension to what she has penned in already. From what I have heard and faced over the recent past; I should say that the attitude extends to divorced men & women too. In this day of rising divorces & broken marriages, I don’t know how many go through all this!

It is so easy for people to accept a man take on another wife while it is blasphemy if a woman thinks of the same. There are some who say, if it happens it is alright but don’t go looking for a relationship. A relationship went south once…so take care or live for your kid, get a career. Suggestions to forget one’s needs or replace them (one supposedly would be too busy to notice and when you do, you would be too old and it would be too late. Worry about it now – then the response Why are you thinking of something so far away?!? ).  A woman is not strong enough if she looks for a partner – get a grip! is what one hears. You will be fine! Though it is absolutely acceptable that the man “moves on”, dates, finds a partner proactively!!

I am just reminded of Revathi’s Marupadiyum (Shabana Azmi’s Arth in Hindi) where the woman chooses to be single. The dialogue sticks out in my head now : the heroine says the woman has grown up being a daughter of some man taking that name, then she takes on her husband’s name, then the mother of her kids.

So, when ever will the woman live for herself and not be penalised for it? Let a single woman be; if she wants it that way, let a woman not take her husband’s name; if she wants that….and if a divorcee (well in India you are that…not single again!) wants to live alone – so be it or if she looks for a relationship…why not?

Personal choices have no place! Being judged by society, being stamped as whatever – will these ever stop?There are times when I think single women (widows & divorcees) make that choice because of the attitudes she may have to face finally. It gets to you – the society….even if you don’t want to care, at some point it does overwhelm you to resign yourself to fate!

If this is the plight of women in a city where most of the population is educated. I don’t even want to think of those in villages where “tradition” has its place! Poor women stuck in marriages where abuse is the norm (physical, emotional, sexual….)

I doubt if these prejudices would ever end! At least I don’t think they will in my lifetime. I don’t even think I am being negative here. I feel that I am being practical – cynical yes, but pragmatic! Here is to hoping I am wrong!

Next time, some one wants to say “get a grip!” , “stay strong” – Stop!! The woman probably is doing it already!!

 

Neither here nor there!

This post has been coming for quite some time now! I have shared this with some people I know about how I don’t feel like I belong. It was not that I felt like I belonged in the US when I was there. I was adapting to the life and learning to love the weather, the people – Many friends who were there who shared my dilemma or did not (I mean those who got the opportunity to work there).  It was not a great life, but it was supposedly my home. I put in my time to work on it, decorate & maintain it. Put in thoughts to make it feel like a home – welcomed friends to home cooked meals, hopefully made them feel nice. I did not like American football. To me, football would always be their soccer. Though, I was initiated into it by a friend who taught his kids’ school teams. I remember one time when we had friends over for the Superbowl when the guy taught P the nuances of the game and he was surprised I had picked up so much in just a conversation in some summer barbeque. We had watched the game over Indian food, red wine & awesome cheese,  pleasant company.

I digress….anyways…the point is after almost 5 or 6 years, I guess I had actually grown roots there. Fast forward to now! I am living under my aging parents roof facing divorce (phew …even I am tired of saying “soon to be ex” when I talk about P) I have been hearing about how he has been packing my stuff since Dec ’06, how he has been talking to the lawyers since only he knows when!! I am yet to receive the papers or our stuff! Life has been weird here. Bittersweet in a way. Found new friends in fellow bloggers. We connect well. They care a lot for A & me….still I feel lonely. Desparate. Feel like I don’t belong here now. Another 5 year haul to grow roots here with A in tow?! I am scared of facing this conservative society – when they hear of divorce it is my fault! At 32, without many skills to boast of , I don’t know where I am headed. I have realised that it is each to one’s own. Everyone is busy, they have their lives. I was one who let go of everything if a friend asked me for help or just called to talk. Guess, back in the US, friends become family. Here I have a family. They are concerned…I know that but are not always considerate because of their own circumstances. Friends are at a loss for even words. No one knows what to say. I am not trying to play the victim here and enjoying it as one person told me. Believe me it is not fun being the victim. Just plain fact that things are not easy. I feel like I don’t belong.

I feel like I left my friends behind there but when I read their blogs or chat with them, I no longer relate to them or their lifestyle/attitude even. I feel like I have no one here in India. I know my parents would rather not have me here at their place; but they are glad I am not somewhere suffering alone. They can’t do much but they can provide a safe shelter. They don’t know what they must do except know that their daughter & grandkid must not suffer. I don’t speak much to my parents because it mostly ends in confrontations ( a whole different post…probably will never get written!) I am just tired of being the depressed person that needs to crib to friends. I feel like I am pushing them away. They don’t know what to say because I don’t want to hear clichés or talk about karma /God/ time. Nobody can really help me out in a way either.I know I have A. Though I know that he right now is more of a responsibility; I cannot think of how I would manage if P stops sending the money that he is sending me right now! What then? My parents have no income and are living off their savings. So, A, unless I am financially stable, makes me think I made a huge mistake having him. Live in the present people might say….then when I am broke tomorrow, how do A & I live?

Just a day when I think it must all end!

 

Untitled

It is Dec 14th! December is a month where lot of things have happened. I had A, my dad and my favourite cousin have their birthdays, I got married. Yes it would have been (it still is ) my 8th wedding anniversary today.

It is so easy looking back ain’t it? Looking back, I am questioning so many things. What have these 8 years meant to me? What if? What have I got for the last 8 years? Many would answer – your son! True…I have him. I love him and he is definitely all I have in life now. Though, I also tend to see him as a huge responsibility. I am scared. Would life have been different if I did not have him? Of course. I might probably not be alive writing this post! Assuming, I did live, would it have been different? Again yes. I would probably not be with my parents. I would not have many constraints I currently have (which many fail to get!) when looking out for a job.

Do I have regrets that my marriage ended (or to be factually correct – is ending) ? Not really. I just want all the legalities to be done with at this point of time. I must thank a special someone  and a few friends for making me realise that it was not worth it to brood over and that I could not have done anything different.

I have been told to be strong. I don’t understand what that means! Does confessing that you are scared of what the future holds at this point mean you are not strong? Does crying over losing 8 years of your life make you weak? I am scared. I do cry at times when I am overwhelmed. If that makes me weak, so be it.

I was telling a friend earlier that I have accepted my situation. She said that I had not accepted but am resigned to what is happening in life. I probably am resigned. I can do nothing about anything. I know many would say oh you can do this or that! I really wish I could….but I have realised there is nothing to be done but wait. I am waiting for P to file for divorce (yeah…the guy still has not!!!) He sends me money though every month. Thanks P. I am waiting for some gaps in communication to be filled (can’t explain now! ) I am waiting for something to look forward to in life. I do not blame life or destiny. I am not whining here….it is just a matter of fact. I wish I don’t merely exist but live my life – not just my son’s life! (I know I am not the ideal mother/woman….blasphemy that I wish I had a life and did not live for the only person I have in life!!!!!)

I spoke my mind to someone today. That person did not even respond – did neither deny nor accept what I said. I don’t know what to make of it. I said I would draw my own conclusions – rather stick to my ideas about that person. Again silence. I think I have burnt that bridge but I don’t feel bad about that either!!

Have I become so cynical that nothing matters? If nothing did, why am I writing this entry? I never ever took new year resolutions. To me, it is just another day but I wish it is not this year. I wish and hope things change. I am tired of my life. Weird, I have not lost hope on a few things I hold dear. I am hoping those happen.

I refrained from writing totally depressing entries. I could not help this! As I key this in, A is asleep. I just feel lost. Waiting sucks…. I wish I get that call I have been waiting for, I wish I get a job, I wish that the divorce was truly done with,I wish A never ever misses his father growing up. Weirdly, as much as I hope all those happen, it feels like there really is nothing that will. It feels like I will keep existing till the end whenever that is (sometimes I wish it came sooner)!

 

Blogging & me

Over a few conversations I had with a few friends, I realised how regular I was when I was posting on one particular blog. This blog mostly contains pics of A along with a short write-up all his antics. I stopped posting in that. It has been close to a year now.

I was almost? obsessed with that blog. I used to have a camera with me all the time(or feels like it now ) to capture any and every moment! Was it because of the blogging? Or was it the excitement of being a mother of a growing/learning infant/toddler?! I had (I say “had” since I am still waiting to get a hard disk of all those memories – separation in the modern age! *sigh*) a huge collection of photos; took them almost every day.I think I even took photos just with blog posts in my mind sometimes.

Fast forward to now….I do take a lot of pictures even now. (Confession – not as many as before though! ) but there is not urge to post them or even share them in emails. Initially, when I stopped posting on the blog; many asked me as to why I was not posting, or to send them pictures of A. Those questions and queries have trickled down close to none now. Very few ask to see his photos or urge me to take & share those pictures.

Have I reduced taking pictures as much because I am not blogging? Is it because A is older now (no less cuter if not more- I must add ) and is in school almost half the day? Have I become lazy (become? )? Considering that his life is now getting filled with activities from school also – am I wrong in not sharing these with friends & well wishers? I don’t know; but my gut feel says that I must not continue with that blog any more.

I (being a second kid myself) urge my friends having their second one to do everything they did for their first one including baby showers. Now, I wonder if I have just stopped being me with even my only one?! Is it just because I am not posting anything on that blog?

I see one too many questions! Weird! What a separation does to one’s life among so many other things! For those who are wondering what my separation with my husband has to do with me not posting in A’s blog… in a fit of anger, I told my husband that he should stay out of A’s life forever and without a second of hesitation; he accepted. He never once has enquired about A. He had not done so even before that anger fit. According to him; his responsibility as a father ends at sending money. So, my posting recent pics was out of the question in that blog since it was started by both my husband and me! I do not want him to ever see what he has lost out on.

 

You should move on…

OK! This is another statement I often hear. Just a reply…I am moving on trying my hardest in some areas like job (career?!?) .

Anyways, this post is really the result of a conversation I had with a friend yesterday. I was just asking her about friends I had made (Desis who work with P) It so happens a couple just had a baby. I was enquiring about them and was saying I would mail them a congrats, asking the name of the kid. My friend was like ” you know what? You should really move on!” in response to my queries.

I could not really get where that came from! I mean…does one stop being a friend because you are getting divorced?  I just ended up saying I would mail the couple my best wishes and if they choose not to respond…well, it is their choice!

Was wondering if moving on meant just giving up friends you made through your ex? One thing though, I should say that I am still in touch with his collegemates even now. They are really wonderful people.

In my opinion, if your partner is the one who dictates whether someone is your friend or not, I might as well not have them in that list. If they are not friends for me…who wants them anyway?