Thought to ponder!

Idealism is what precedes experience; cynicism is what follows.  - David T. Wolf

I log into my iGoogle page and this is the Quote of the day. How apt I thought!

When I entered my married phase in life…it was all idealistic - Death do us part types; especially having grown up thinking that marriages were forever. I never really had this Prince Charming would come etc.., type of dreams…but did think that when I got married, it would be forever.

Now after 7 odd years, and an impending divorce; cynicism fills my mind - not just about marriage, but anything surrounding it. Wonder if this cynicism would ever go away?!?

The only good thing out of this is my son I treasure. I would never give him up and hope that he grows out to be a better individual with proper values in life.

Big Fish

Yes, this is an entry based on the movie. Big Fish was a movie I loved when I saw it the first time. Went on to get the DVD of it too (don’t have it with me like so many of my other things - thanks to someone who would no longer be in our lives by his choice)

I am mentioning this and the person as I am watching the movie on TV now. The movie is about the father- son relationship. I am keying this in with a lump in my throat that my son would not have this or anything close to it as he would not have this person around. I am wondering how I would explain his absence when A starts questioning me. I wonder if I can be both the mother and the father  as he grows up.

People say God gives only what one can handle; this still does not stop me from self- doubt. I want to give the best to A like any other parent would want to for the kid. I just hope I succeed and never let A feel like he missed something or someone ever!

I had never cried in movies….today though after watching Big Fish; I had tears in my eyes. May be I have changed?!?  I still like the movie though.

 

What to do?

What does one do when she wants to shout something out to the world but cannot?! Especially for a person like me who cannot keep a secret about oneself. I can do that when some one else trusts me and tells me something. That would never ever slip out. Though I am an open book…trust anyone and everyone!

Off late there have been certain things I want to tell all, write about those experiences; but I also have certain constraints now. I cannot do those! I am afraid that I would let that slip by…

What to do?!? Of course, most of my close friends do know what I am talking about

Knock! Knock!!

Weird how my brain works!!!….Or is it not? I was just wondering how when I keep yourself busy in some way or the other….I don’t even think of the problems I am facing!! Give me just a minute of free time…and lo!! I start mulling over everything and going back on the path of depression.

I plan to keep myself busy all the time to never get on to that path come what may! Hope I can stick to this plan

Sometimes though the problem is my brain goes into multi-task mode! Then there runs a parallel thread or multiple threads even sometimes!! What do I do then?? How do I end those?? I wonder! Don’t know how or when, but there should come a time when I can really block out negative stuff and not bother about them at all…either the past, present or future. Time should only tell I suppose…Knock knock time!!

Always feels good :)

Everyone likes to be complimented. My day was made today by not one but 3 strangers!!!

Off late, I felt like I had aged quite a bit. Looked old, tired and certainly a few years above my real age. Dark circles, quite a few lines under my eyes and the likes though I never bother to hide my age. When asked will give the honest answer….

So, today when I was waiting to get my driving tests done…4 of us started chatting to while away the time. I got the compliment saying I did not look my age and they could not believe that I was mother of a 3 year old.

Boy!! It feels nice to receive compliments. They made my day today. Thanks! Such days have been very very few in the recent past

Disappointments and Expectations

Ideally a life with absolutely no expectations whatsoever will be happy. Though, is it really possible to not expect anything at all?? I have this really close friend who knew about a certain event. Automatically, I expected this person to call me and find out how things went. And was disappointed that never happened. Not a peep!!?? Eventually when the question was put forth, I was reluctant to answer….felt like the person was not really interested, not bothered to find out earlier; why should I even think of relating what happened? I probably ended up disappointing that person! Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth is it??

In effect, I realised that I could never let go of expectations in life. From minor to major ones. So, I guess I should also expect disappointments that come along with them! Or I should learn to live like a saint and not expect anything! Don’t think either of these are possible

Views

I was put into my thought mode by a remark made by one of my friends today. She remarked how funny it is to see that there are people who see you in such diametrically opposite views. I have often fretted over what the other person thinks of me (I should rather say it in the present tense! ). I have this urge to please everyone, fit into everyone’s purview. Hence am always in a dilemma

I realise that it is not funny that people have such clashing attitudes toward you - to each one’s own. Just that personally, I end up trying hard to make them see me in proper light much to my own chagrin usually. I guess like some of my well wishers tell me, let anyone think whatever they want about you or think whatever….you be who you are and do what you do. Do not bother about others unless they have been proven to really care about your welfare and earned your trust.

My problem : I trust everyone! Give people more chances if they betray the trust….then I get singed. Still have not learnt my lesson! Is it that bad to trust someone? Is it not worse for the other person to break it?? Why do I feel I am answerable to all and sundry? I get so worked up if even one individual cannot get it!  I feel irritated, depressed, angry…just go through a gamut of emotions….Do I need to feel accepted that much? Boy!! Something is wrong with me! I need help!!! and sooooon before I dig my own grave. Sometimes feel like I am halfway through already! My train of thought puts me in a really self-destructive thought process sometimes. I suppose I should be patient (as I said am far from it) and positive (again poles apart!! pessimist to the core except am such an optmist when it comes to other people )

Scrabble and thought process!!!

Ok here goes…this is how bizarre my thought process is. Was playing Scrabble with my best friend (who happens to be really good at the game!) I started the game and my letters were UIBAALP…Was trying to put all the letters on…and the only word I could come up with was ‘ABULIA’. Now don’t really know how that hit my brain at that point of time…but this is what it means….”Loss or impairment of the ability to make decisions or act independently. ” Was telling my friend I probably suffer from it She answered I was delusional. I told her I was told that I suffer from another psychiatric disorder by another who had read quite a few books on the disorder. This led to my friend telling me she has read so many books on assassinations that does not make her an expert on the matter!

This led me thinking….how we sometimes tend to read some books , or watch TV on some disease and many a times, decide we suffer from the disease!!! Was told by a friend who is a doctor that when they were students, thought they suffered from each and every disease they were studying about! At the time I heard this, I found it ridiculous!!

Just thought how weird one’s thought process can lead to really bizarre and mostly stupid conclusions. One thing though… feel nobody is perfect…it is the degree that differs in each

Now another thought I had today was overwhelming. I am so pleased that I am grinning ear to ear since I saw that two of my friends have given this to me - A-kay & Laksh.

I thank them both for making my day. Give it right back to them. I also give this to Raaga, Swaminathan , Yogs, LG, Usha, Sangi, Gokul, Kurinji, Anand, GKa, Karthik, Nana, Prasanna,…quite a few non-bloggers (list is kinda long….but lately some of them have been really nice to me and some have been the nicest people ever since I got to know them!)

Thanks a lot for being in my life and being more than nice to me.

I have to change!

I think I have written how other people’s opinions about me have affected me a lot. Lately, even a small trigger puts me in that rotten cycle of self- doubt and unnecessary self-criticism that pulls me down. Worse is I end up crying to people who care about me and stand by me ruining their mood and day because of a lousy comment by someone who just has nothing else to do.

A wise friend of mine said that I try to please everyone and high time I stopped doing that. And another said I should move on and let go on my own terms for my own good….not just because some one says something is over and I have to move on.

I know that now, I am wee bit wiser; I would have wallowed in the negative emotions from remarks for a long time. I don’t seem to that now. The immediate impact is there, but slowly I realise it is not worth bothering about it. It is this immediate impact which I am talking about. I have to change to the effect to just ignore. I must learn to bother about only people who are there to really help me and truly care about me.

Should realise that words would hurt, but learn which ones to really take into consideration and which to just brush off. I am older and no wiser in this. Poor judge of people Hope I learn and quickly!!! just to avoid tormenting the well- wishers I have around me with my depression But I also realise that these comments that I hear….it is just the beginning and I have a long way to go with lots more to hear. My son, parents and friends are standing by me at these tough times.  Hope I can change for them and learn to ignore.

Things that matter!

Don’t know if I have already posted this thought I have in my mind. How things in life makes you push your priorities around?! At one point in time just recently, getting to do my masters, losing weight were my major priorities. Now, just having a place to call my home has become a priority. One priority that never changed though through all this is to give the best to my son. I feel like a failure because I cannot really meet my own goals in that - I can give excuses saying, what I am talking about here is not exactly entirely my fault; but still does not change a thing.

My studies have taken a major backseat. Can’t afford neither do I have the time for it juggling the rest of my life and A’s. Losing weight - well it is becoming a major joke…even the mere thought. I should be glad if I don’t add on more because of all the stress.

There are days when I feel it better get over and I can truly move on. The days when I want to weep my heart out and want someone to just listen to me weep (a shoulder to cry on bigger than my son’s ) Off late, the latter emotion is coming through more often (Poor A!!!) A needs to grow older faster than kids his age to manage me I suppose and to really face what he has to!! I hope I don’t fail as a mother majorly Scares the hell out of me.

I am losing focus on what matter now! Taking my frustrations out on A (have no one else to do that to…poor thing!) I so want to get out of this position in life and see something nice in life for a change. As I have said, I want to get done with troughs; want to see a teeny weeny crest atleast!!! Don’t even know how I can get there! Am lost!