I am a divorcee!

Yes I am a divorcee… I am not proud of it or anything. It is just a fact. I don’t know why I must hide or be ashamed of that? It happened…and here I am. I have my life ahead of me. It did not end there, did it?

Why must people “advise” me to not divulge this? It is not like I have committed murder, I am not a paedophile or any such thing to be secretive about this. The number of people who said…you are going to a new job…Don’t tell anyone that you are divorced. Just say that your husband is abroad!!

What is the reasoning behind this?! Should I be ashamed that I could not make my marriage work? That I am a single mother who has resorted to living with her parents?

I feel that those guys who assume that since I am a divorcee, I will be ready for flings & hit on me shamlessly should be the ones who must follow restraint. Those who box me into some stereo-type…

Why can’t I just let be? Why must I lie? Sick & tired…these are really the things that pain me about my divorce…. Grow up all!!

 

Why?

I think one of my mum’s favourite quotes is

Ours not to reason why, ours but to do and die. -Alfred Lord Tennyson

Off late, this question bugs me! Why? Why are you doing this? Why don’t you think this over? I have been snapping at those who throw this question at me for whatever reason from something as trivial as why did you change your hairstyle to why did you take this life altering decision? I can understand someone who is concerned asking such questions…but the same thing from those who we say just hello & bye to?!? Ridiculous! What bothers them? How does anything affect them? Nowadays I don’t want to answer that question even if it may remotely affect the person asking it!! Like my parents!

In the down period from the blog, I am now officially single (rather divorced in Indian terms..). Got my divorce decree. I am waiting to join a new job next week. Nervous & excited. Yes, trivial things like I have changed my iPhone & car too.I have reactivated my facebook since I left my previous job (to come out of hermithood like my friend Laksh said ) I have had to listen to the question “why” for all of those!! Seriously…I have asked the same question why for my divorce and never got any answers! Me aking that question I think is valid….and I ask it to myself or bug my close friends while trying to figure things out…

Anyways… lots of changes in the last few months. I certainly would like to thank those who drove me nuts who in turn I drove crazy! (think it is more me driving them crazy than the other way round!) Been through up & down emotions through this…so thanks to those patient wonderful friends of mine. May you remain as patient through our lives….just so you have to manage me!!

I certainly don’t know what is in store. I don’t know what I will do or why I will do whatever… but as a colleague (rather ex-colleague) said…life moves on. Hope I get some of the patience that my friends have in enduring me so I can handle things better BTW, A seems to have immense patience!! Thank whoever!! (Don’t really believe in God or evil – this again is a statement by a very dear friend of mine about me! )

Well… I guess I will just do & die, not to be questioned/question why!

 

Off Facebook

I know I have not blogged since around Christmas last year. So I must say I have been off blogging and off Facebook. The latter since October last year. It started off with lots of thoughts running in my mind as usual Wondering why I must be on a social networking site where I really was not interested in reading mundane status updates & I didn’t have much to actually do status updates. I had also brought down photos of A from the site much earlier (rather increased privacy options for those albums). Then came a challenge from a good friend saying I could not stay off the internet at all. I deactivated my Facebook account then. Many didn’t realise I was off the site now. Some turned around and asked where I was and whether I had taken them off my list . I get the “oh! you must have read that on Facebook” and when I say “Am off Facebook”, I am received with a gamut of reactions from why to what is wrong with you?!

I can honestly say I do not miss Facebook after nearly 6 months of not being on it. I had no withdrawal symptoms! I still am on Twitter,LinkedIn, come online (mostly invisible) on gtalk or yahoo chat. I read my mails regularly – though the actual personal mails I receive average probably at 1 or 2 a week!! Am not doing much here at my popularity rating am I?!

The last few months have actually made me wonder about friendship & evaluation of the same. Was laughing at the fact that some felt offended that I probably had taken them off my friends’ list to being touched by some’s concern that I had gone bonkers to be offline. LOL!! I was asked if I was surprised that some did not even notice my absence, I said not at all to them… after all each of us have 100s in our list, how would one know if someone went missing unless you interact with them on a daily basis?!

Started wondering how much we give importance to being “friends” on Facebook. Is that being a friend? May be I am old fashioned. To me, a friend is one who will stand by me, through all my stupid emotions (ping ponging as someone recently said); some one who I can call and share a joke or my pains whatever the case might be then. I will do that to anyone who I call a friend. I will not evaluate friendship (yes heard that too!! ) Alright, I digress here though not entirely. Guess I am trying to say that the value of friendship is somehow lost somewhere or so I feel. I am glad that I still have some friends who I can bank on who are used to my ping-pong emotions (and have said hey you are human…if you were a robot may be you won’t have all that and would also be boring! ), who do give me the time of day if I needed a shoulder to cry on or hold my hand, just be there for me. It is difficult when life’s responsibilities take over and friendship does take a backseat many times but all of us acknowledge that we will be there in need. May not be able to take away the pain that one feels of an ailing child or loneliness – but be understanding. Thanks to all those friends who I don’t talk/chat with often but I do know they are there; have been for ages now.

I must also say that I am being really wary of new people thanks to my recent experiences. I do not want people who are weighing in whether they need to be friends. Sorry! stay away!!

 

 

Isn’t it weird?

I’ve off late been wondering how weird it is that people with most access to technology and the best means of communication are the most incommunicado. Or is it just those who are in my life who are like that?
These highly tech savvy people seem to have internet access 24/7, a phone with a good network in their hands (phones like the iphone or blackberry), signed up in all kinds of networks from Google+ to facebook to Twitter to whatever else there is…. So in theory, they must be accessible all the time and respond to a call by some means. Sadly, this is not the case.

I feel like I was more in touch with people back in the days when we did not have mobile phones, and internet was at snail’s pace and not omnipresent. Is it me? Probably it is!!

Read this somewhere

The Silent Killer of relationships is the lack of communication…. communicate before misunderstanding separates you, with hurt, pain, n thoughts

How many of us bother to just say hello?! or even smile at someone we know when we pass by them on the corridor at work?! When all it takes is even a virtual poke or a text message, there seems to be hardly any effort to keep in touch. If someone calls out of the blue, the thought that crosses one’s mind is …ok so what does that person want?! Get to the point already!!!

As I said earlier, may be it is just me and my cynical-self! I used to make an effort to drop that occasional email just to say hi and enquire about welfare. Now I just feel it is futile. I used to send in updated pics of A to people….now I don’t bother! In fact there are times I feel like it is not worth the time or effort to do any of this.

I had quite an accident last week. Called this friend who I have known for ages now. Recounted this…and in the midst of handling this, hung up after asking a query about where I can get the car repaired. Had I been in this person’s place or had it been a few years back, I would have received a call say half an hour or hour later enquiring if things were alright. Guess what? The person pings me when I log on to a chat module much later in the night….and asks “so did you get the car to the repair shop?!” I lost it and responded saying that the question was way too early to be answered…and this friend just disappeared! I guess I must just be thankful that this friend even bothered to ask me later on at night?!?!

Just feel like I am turning more cynical, more bitter & less hopeful by the day. Makes me wonder if it is just me or people are just not what they used to be?! Feel like there is more distance now that the world is virtually a much smaller place…at least in my case!

 

Third consecutive post?!!…

Yeah this is the third consecutive post on technology!! Of course just my random thoughts on whatever!!

Listening to the radio while driving, one can’t avoid listening to the ads too. One goes with the voiceover of a child narrating to her dad that she did not have teachers for 3 periods in class. The dad is bewildered and the child replies they used a particular brand of computing services. Indications of how teachers were not required in classrooms and computing solutions are enough for the kids to learn!!!!! The kid asks whether they can get the same system at home to which the dad responds he would get it if the kid did well at school!

I am not suggesting that we go back to good old days wherein we used no technology. I understand most schools now use smart boards (A’s schools so far have!) but even the mere thought of doing away of teachers??!! I know it is an ad but it just hit a nerve! We are becoming so mechanical, technology dependent that sometimes I guess we forget about relationships, people. We start taking that for granted. Yes, I have got friends thanks to this medium but would I be friends with a bot?! No way! So why would I subject my kid to a no teacher classroom or why would anyone think of doing that?

I guess I have rambled enough. Point is, I think I like my no technology downtimes these days & appreciate what life has to offer! I am learning not to be glued to this machine, not thinking of doing away with it; but just trying to hit the balance! I hope that A does grow in a society where technology is embraced without giving up basic human interactions.

 

Lost…

It has been over a month since I last posted. I must say for a long time now I have tried to keep to myself. Even when I did post, I did not really reveal about what my mind was going through. Result of a close friend who induced the thought process into me saying do not be so open. Do not tell everything to everyone. I slowly tried to learn that lesson. That probably explains the dearth of posts on my blog too. I don’t think I have any readers even!!

Anyways today, I decided to just put something down today. This probably will be vague and make no sense whatsoever to most (if at all there is anyone out there who does) who read this.

I don’t know if I am doing right by keeping things to myself, not sharing anything to anyone. The person who did ask me to do this is a close friend who is no longer in town. I miss having the person around. We do skype now and then but long distance relationships…well…that is that. Don’t know about that one! In my confusion of what the heck I am doing, I shut a really good friend out of my life. Sorry (if you are reading this!) I still don’t know why I did that or whether it is right or wrong. I did that right when we were reconnecting after quite a few years. Another friend who i have known for years now, is just confusing me saying nothing is different, but is unavailable if I call or ping. I don’t want to be disturbing my friends. I know they all have their own lives and are really busy. They will ping me when they feel like it. Sometimes I feel like I am just waiting for a ping sometime…desperate to get one text or call…then I feel disappointed when I don’t get any or when someone does not even respond to my ping. I wonder why I even have a phone these days. My facebook/twitter activity is minimal.

In all honesty, I just feel lost & really lonely. My job is going on alright. A is doing pretty well. Thank God! I don’t know why then I feel the way I do. I just know that I feel like I have no one. There are days I just want to give up. Off late, I feel this a lot more. I feel like if I switched my phone off, went away somewhere there probably will be no one who will miss me. I am pathetic & I know that too!!

I don’t know when or if I will ever post again. I don’t know anything any more. I will live for A and do my best for him. That is all I know. I exist and will keep doing that. I must just stop expecting anything from anyone. I don’t think I’ll be happier, but I will definitely not feel as hurt as I do right now.

PS: I know there are many out there who are at a position worse off than I am – knowing that does not take the pain/hurt I feel. Sorry!! Sorry they are going through hell, their hell but it does not make mine feel like heaven. No siree!

 

Point of Opinion

This morning, I was struck wondering; are you right if you make more noise? The louder you are, the more forceful you are; you are right. Off late, I have been thinking that this is becoming a norm everywhere.

You are wrong , I am right. I don’t care to listen to what you have to say. I call a brown cow as purple; I am right!

This is the attitude that I have been facing off late. Usually I am a person who will argue her lungs out till the actual right thing is accepted on. Now though, after voicing dissent once or sometimes twice, I just keep quiet. I don’t necessarily agree, I don’t pursue the argument. Is this me being wiser?!?! ooh! I like that No..don’t think so. I guess I just am tired of arguing/making things clearer. I am proud to be Indian but I also am pragmatic in saying that we are not as a race that clean! I missed by a mere whisker being spat on this morning on my ride to work. God knows what diseases that guy has  that he spreads this way apart from the fact that I would feel yucky. I would never dream of going into a public toilet here in India. No way Jose!! It is a nightmare calling customer service here (I am sure that many have written & rated on this particular topic!) It just amazes me when it is just taken all in stride in my country. Worse is when someone points these out as they are, I find people actually defend it!!! I mean something that is wrong in the name of being loyal to the country?! Is it not more loyal to set things right and project a good image? Just because someone who visits our country follows what citizens do even if it is wrong does not mean we are right…is it?!  We drive wrong and those who come here… get the attitude “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em!” and become impossible drivers. Does that make our  driving good?!?! Come on!!! Wake up!!

I suppose I am writing down what I wanted to say (not so loudly ) yet trying to make a point here! Don’t know how far the point is being made! Pure co-incidence, while I opened wordpress to write this post, came across this on the home page! http://intelligentchallenge.wordpress.com/2011/01/16/you-are-wrong-i-am-right/. Interesting intelligent read

 

Insecurity

A colleague of mine had put up a facebook message asking why some people are so insecure. Another colleague had replied saying that one had to live as them to understand their logic. This is what triggered this post. I have had this conversation with many of my friends and sometimes even acquaintances. Some have just let go of the topic, some persist on how life’s perspective would change if I changed my perspective. I wonder if anyone ever changes just because someone asks them to. Personally, I have changed due to what has happened to me…how people have treated me, life’s experiences – not just because someone gave me a lecture of how it would be different! May be the lecture makes an impact somewhere in the psyche (at least I feel that person cares enough to tell me to feel good )

On the same note, many of my friends do know me as a very pessimistic person. I am! Some have given up asking me to think positive. My funda – if I expect the worst, and even if a slightly positive thing happens, it makes me pleased. Instead, I am positive, expect everything to just fall in place and even when nothing happens, neither positive nor negative; I am disappointed. I choose to be fatalistic just get the pleasure of smiling albeit for a few minutes. An example – a dear friend left town promising to keep in touch with many reassurances. I said to myself, let’s see…. it won’t happen, even if it does, it won’t last for more than a week. There are so many who are my friends with whom even emails are not exchanged!! When I get a call out of the blue from that friend who left, it just changed my day. I felt great. A person around me actually commented “Hey just a phone call, and you transformed!!”. It is early days still, I don’t know how long this would last and whether we would remain in touch (I don’t want to lose my friends… especially when I am looking at a really lonely life ahead)- but each time we do maintain contact, I am pleased.

So, at least in such instances, it probably pays to be insecure. Don’t ya think? I am insecure because I am tired of being positive, working towards everything and then something or the other happens only for me to fail. I do take things up, I work hard to succeed but do not expect to. I wish I had entered my now failed marriage thinking it is poised not to work so I might have been spared the pain. May be I would have taken other decisions right!

To each one’s own. I do not tell someone who is all positive and glowing to tone down, become pessimistic. So, I just ask the same from others. Do not judge me for being insecure. I am here because it is better for me to be here. I enter a relationship, any relationship…. now thinking even a year down the lane, the person will not be there. It is not because I don’t trust the other person, but because it just saves me (actually not really, I still feel depressed and all that, but at least I tell myself hey you knew it was not to last….) I do feel like a fool too (which I probably am) What is the right way? Be positive and expect things not to go according to plan some might say…. I merely expect things to go wrong!

ps: This is one rambling that will probably not make sense at all!!!

 

Decisions

We face many a situations where one has to decide. I fall back many a times on the fact that being Libra makes me indecisive Starting from something like choosing which route to take, what to choose out of a menu to eat, to life changing decisions… I take my own sweet time! I also do sometimes rely upon others to help me take the decision. Too many times have I been told – No, you decide what you want. (I don’t hold the other person responsible for anything that goes wrong… just to make things clear )

When it becomes of the case of Hobson’s choice, don’t we keep wondering – what if we had chosen the other? I have been told and I do believe too that

No matter what you do, someone is going to think it was the wrong decision. The important thing is where your conscience stands on the issue.

Then why does my stupid brain go on overdrive? I totally admire people who make their decisions with ease (and élan or at least seem to.. ) and more so those who do not have any regrets whatsoever.

I say I don’t like people talking in riddles. I know that this post would probably seem just that way (even ridiculous to some?!). Just that I am at kind of a crossroads weighing in a decision I took almost a year back. I don’t regret the decision, but I don’t also know what it means going forward. I now face the point where I wonder if I have to speak my heart out or just not. Questions alot in my mind. Do I? What if I do? Will things be different? Do I just let it go as it is right now?  The worst part is I do know what is up ahead in a way. So, will my decision make any difference? Not really is what I come up with. I feel whatever it is, I would have at least been truthful to a person I care about a lot (and to myself of course). Yet, I wonder what is holding me back!

There are days on end when I wish I could turn back time, tweak a few things here and there. Well, I can’t. No one can (if any one can…please let me know. Need to make a few requests ) Looking forward, hoping everything turns out alright and no one gets hurt. Human emotions & relationships are weird to say the least!!! I can’t please all as much as I strive to. All I can be is true to myself and those I care about (more importantly those who care about me! … now shouldn’t those two actually be the same set of people?!?). We have one life to live, and I want to live my life to the fullest extent possible. I wish have no (or minimal) regrets and when I leave this life; I hope that if at all I am remembered by anyone it is with fondness.

I better stop now before I go on every tangent possible. My ruminations are random indeed!

 

 

Contemplating…

As usual, I am just contemplating life, God, philosophies….

Saw this as

“Q: Why should we believe in God?
A: Because there are still some questions which cannot be answered by Google.”

Sulz‘ status message on facebook. Yes, I clicked on “like”

Though, I wonder when will God answer the questions. Would these remain questions forever?! Going back to what I wrote quite a while ago… God! Give me patience, but hurry!!

I wish I could share what is going on in this place called my brain. Alas I cannot really do that now and here! Though nothing much has changed. Nothing is clear. Still wondering when I can see through the haze and know what is ahead.

The past fortnight has been quite a journey. Have had my ups and downs. The ups were not so high, the downs were pretty bad. Had a breakdown one of the days and had to resort to leaning on a friend’s shoulder. Thanks N! He was amazing and had me smiling and laughing at the end of the conversation. All this when he must have been tired after a long day at work and an early start the next day. Things I put my friends through!! Sorry guys and a big thank you!

I also learnt a big lesson. Do not trust everyone who claims to be a friend. (I know some of you there going…duh!! but I have major issues with trust. I trust anyone who says she/he is a friend and shows he/she cares!  Dumb me! )  They just get everything out of you and trample over you. As my son’s father used to say…I have been spoilt by the great friends I have! The one off case where the person is out to take advantage of you comes as a shock, worse when that person also mars your path! I mean go on ahead take whatever but do not put the other person down! I guess there are people of all kinds! Such people just makes me realise how precious the real friends I have made over these years are. I just wish the bad ones do not use “friendship” and give that a bad name!! I suppose a lesson my friend P says is finally seeping through…” hey Apar remember everybody has an agenda. Figure that out. Don’t get hurt like this. Most are like this, few are otherwise. The few would stay, the others will just get their work done!” It is so hard though to find people with agenda or what it is Lots and lots of learning ahead I suppose.

When will I get enlightenment?! Need it badly to go through now looking ahead at a life with all the responsibilities of a single mother. (I find people ever so ready to point the finger at me for every teensy weeny mistake and say I am a bad mother) and increasingly lonely days. I am trying not to infringe on my friends’ time so that they remain my friends . I don’t know anything any more not that I knew earlier. Just a little more confused now.

I have not been blogging too often because I don’t want to keep penning down all this. I don’t even know if this makes sense to anyone who reads this. Just some rants of a confused, lonely and beaten down person (this is not self-pity or anything…just a matter of fact). I hope to survive this and more that I will be facing. Now God…with the patience, just give me some strength to find happiness in the little things I have and that diminishes the lemons thrown in! I am thankful for what I have. I know I am luckier than many others in the world but I must say enough is enough. I can’t stand it any more. I have not been the lucky one (I have never had luck even in a lucky draw in FIFA – shows when you pick Barry as the player in a draw with ENG playing GER! or Slovakia as the team in another draw! Was told even if the team comes last I get something…and the team goes into the KO stages!!! LOL! ) I don’t want the riches of the world. I just want to go on without being pulled down or betrayed. C’est tout!