Disappointments and Expectations

Ideally a life with absolutely no expectations whatsoever will be happy. Though, is it really possible to not expect anything at all?? I have this really close friend who knew about a certain event. Automatically, I expected this person to call me and find out how things went. And was disappointed that never happened. Not a peep!!?? Eventually when the question was put forth, I was reluctant to answer….felt like the person was not really interested, not bothered to find out earlier; why should I even think of relating what happened? I probably ended up disappointing that person! Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth is it??

In effect, I realised that I could never let go of expectations in life. From minor to major ones. So, I guess I should also expect disappointments that come along with them! Or I should learn to live like a saint and not expect anything! Don’t think either of these are possible

Views

I was put into my thought mode by a remark made by one of my friends today. She remarked how funny it is to see that there are people who see you in such diametrically opposite views. I have often fretted over what the other person thinks of me (I should rather say it in the present tense! ). I have this urge to please everyone, fit into everyone’s purview. Hence am always in a dilemma

I realise that it is not funny that people have such clashing attitudes toward you - to each one’s own. Just that personally, I end up trying hard to make them see me in proper light much to my own chagrin usually. I guess like some of my well wishers tell me, let anyone think whatever they want about you or think whatever….you be who you are and do what you do. Do not bother about others unless they have been proven to really care about your welfare and earned your trust.

My problem : I trust everyone! Give people more chances if they betray the trust….then I get singed. Still have not learnt my lesson! Is it that bad to trust someone? Is it not worse for the other person to break it?? Why do I feel I am answerable to all and sundry? I get so worked up if even one individual cannot get it!  I feel irritated, depressed, angry…just go through a gamut of emotions….Do I need to feel accepted that much? Boy!! Something is wrong with me! I need help!!! and sooooon before I dig my own grave. Sometimes feel like I am halfway through already! My train of thought puts me in a really self-destructive thought process sometimes. I suppose I should be patient (as I said am far from it) and positive (again poles apart!! pessimist to the core except am such an optmist when it comes to other people )

Scrabble and thought process!!!

Ok here goes…this is how bizarre my thought process is. Was playing Scrabble with my best friend (who happens to be really good at the game!) I started the game and my letters were UIBAALP…Was trying to put all the letters on…and the only word I could come up with was ‘ABULIA’. Now don’t really know how that hit my brain at that point of time…but this is what it means….”Loss or impairment of the ability to make decisions or act independently. ” Was telling my friend I probably suffer from it She answered I was delusional. I told her I was told that I suffer from another psychiatric disorder by another who had read quite a few books on the disorder. This led to my friend telling me she has read so many books on assassinations that does not make her an expert on the matter!

This led me thinking….how we sometimes tend to read some books , or watch TV on some disease and many a times, decide we suffer from the disease!!! Was told by a friend who is a doctor that when they were students, thought they suffered from each and every disease they were studying about! At the time I heard this, I found it ridiculous!!

Just thought how weird one’s thought process can lead to really bizarre and mostly stupid conclusions. One thing though… feel nobody is perfect…it is the degree that differs in each

Now another thought I had today was overwhelming. I am so pleased that I am grinning ear to ear since I saw that two of my friends have given this to me - A-kay & Laksh.

I thank them both for making my day. Give it right back to them. I also give this to Raaga, Swaminathan , Yogs, LG, Usha, Sangi, Gokul, Kurinji, Anand, GKa, Karthik, Nana, Prasanna,…quite a few non-bloggers (list is kinda long….but lately some of them have been really nice to me and some have been the nicest people ever since I got to know them!)

Thanks a lot for being in my life and being more than nice to me.

I have to change!

I think I have written how other people’s opinions about me have affected me a lot. Lately, even a small trigger puts me in that rotten cycle of self- doubt and unnecessary self-criticism that pulls me down. Worse is I end up crying to people who care about me and stand by me ruining their mood and day because of a lousy comment by someone who just has nothing else to do.

A wise friend of mine said that I try to please everyone and high time I stopped doing that. And another said I should move on and let go on my own terms for my own good….not just because some one says something is over and I have to move on.

I know that now, I am wee bit wiser; I would have wallowed in the negative emotions from remarks for a long time. I don’t seem to that now. The immediate impact is there, but slowly I realise it is not worth bothering about it. It is this immediate impact which I am talking about. I have to change to the effect to just ignore. I must learn to bother about only people who are there to really help me and truly care about me.

Should realise that words would hurt, but learn which ones to really take into consideration and which to just brush off. I am older and no wiser in this. Poor judge of people Hope I learn and quickly!!! just to avoid tormenting the well- wishers I have around me with my depression But I also realise that these comments that I hear….it is just the beginning and I have a long way to go with lots more to hear. My son, parents and friends are standing by me at these tough times.  Hope I can change for them and learn to ignore.

Things that matter!

Don’t know if I have already posted this thought I have in my mind. How things in life makes you push your priorities around?! At one point in time just recently, getting to do my masters, losing weight were my major priorities. Now, just having a place to call my home has become a priority. One priority that never changed though through all this is to give the best to my son. I feel like a failure because I cannot really meet my own goals in that - I can give excuses saying, what I am talking about here is not exactly entirely my fault; but still does not change a thing.

My studies have taken a major backseat. Can’t afford neither do I have the time for it juggling the rest of my life and A’s. Losing weight - well it is becoming a major joke…even the mere thought. I should be glad if I don’t add on more because of all the stress.

There are days when I feel it better get over and I can truly move on. The days when I want to weep my heart out and want someone to just listen to me weep (a shoulder to cry on bigger than my son’s ) Off late, the latter emotion is coming through more often (Poor A!!!) A needs to grow older faster than kids his age to manage me I suppose and to really face what he has to!! I hope I don’t fail as a mother majorly Scares the hell out of me.

I am losing focus on what matter now! Taking my frustrations out on A (have no one else to do that to…poor thing!) I so want to get out of this position in life and see something nice in life for a change. As I have said, I want to get done with troughs; want to see a teeny weeny crest atleast!!! Don’t even know how I can get there! Am lost!

Feels good

Today, after a really long time, I cooked an entire meal - the usual fare of south Indian food - sambar, rasam and curries. It felt really good - have a sense of fulfilment , an inexplicable joy. When all of it got over, it just seemed overwhelming

What is it about me and cooking? There was a time when I found it really monotonous - a bore. That turned to me enjoying trying out new things, infact starting a blog to keep all the recipes in one place. It was a pleasure to update the sites with my accomplishments and trials Now it has been a little less than a year; have not really cooked a whole meal.

When I did it today; it just makes me glad. Maybe, I would find it a bore if I did it day, in day out

Growing up?!

Somewhere in this world! lyrics here

I have a dream! lyrics here

Boney M and Abba were bands I used to listen growing up (shows how old I am right? )
The two songs above were those which when younger I just liked the soft tune, the melody… Each turn in life when we listen to such songs, they probably mean something different.
Now listening to these songs…wonder when I will find that somewhere and whether the angels have left me and my dreams?!
I still love listening to these songs…but may be I should not think and just enjoy them for the beauty they possess!

Just mentioning one more song that is a favourite…title song to M*A*S*H ( a favourite TV series too!)

no comments!!

Letting go!

Laksh had written this entry sometime back. About letting go….

Well I am writing this on a different note though…I am now in that stage in life when I have to let go of a person. Infact, it is that person who is letting go of A and me. I am grappling with the idea of living life that way and starting life from scratch as it is. Now I am back at my parents place, back to being a daughter living by their rules. It is tough to let go of my life as I had known it.

Laksh says happiness is a state of mind and the attitude is what governs it. I hope I can get to that state. Trying hard. There are days when I am depressed and feel like life is not worth living. And there are those where I want to prove to myself more than anyone else that I can.

I have had people around me tell me…it is over, get over it. Just wish it were that easy! Feel like it might have been easier may be earlier…given the circumstances, I know it will be a while before I truly let go and get over it!

Once again, I have to thank all those who endure my mood swings and support me through this period. Top honours should go to my parents…how much ever I crib about them. They are here for me despite what society here would say to all this. I am unfair to them and take out my frustrations on them, but am sure glad that I atleast have them! I hope not to be a burden on them for too long.

God (if He exists!! ) help A and me through all this and my parents too.

When will I learn?!

When will I learn not to share everything in life to everyone? When will I learn that everyone has one’s opinions and each is right in one’s domain? When will I learn that another person will never stop advising you when you are down and out…and expect you to actually accept what they say without a counter-argument?
When will I learn that honesty is not the way to go in this world!?
When will I learn to be cunning (which I have learnt is the way to be to succeed or atleast appear successful!!! )?
When will I learn not to get hurt by other’s opinions and more tha that wallow in that hurt? When will I learn to deal with people the “right” way??
“Katradhu kai mann alavu, kaladadhu ulagalavu” translated means what one has learnt is just about a fistful of sand, what one has yet to learn is as vast as the universe…
I know I have a lot to learn…but I always felt that my principles in life were alright…honesty being one of them.Guess that I am on the other extreme when it comes to honesty. I should atleast learn to sugar coat my thoughts before-hand I suppose.
When will I learn?!!

I am done!

Just wanted to vent out…and say that I am done justifying everything I have done or said (or even what I am doing). I am at the end of the rope and want to say that I did not want nor plan to be where I am right now in my life dealing with what I am.
To everyone who has had adjectives about me in one’s minds, I want to say every one is different and deal with everything in their own way. Every event might have a different kind of impact on each person and would react differently. If one had the foresight of what is imminent, one would definitely deal with things in the right way.
I was (and to an extent still get) bothered and worked up with people passing their judgement on me. Like my previous entry…they should be me in my shoes to understand what I am going through.
Don’t know where I will get the strength to face all this adversity, but I am sure I will get out of this s*** and come out smelling of roses at that!
In this same breath, I want to thank those friends of mine who have empathised and are being there for me. I want to say that I would never forget what they have done for me and don’t know how I would ever find words to thank them or make them understand how I feel.
It is easy to hurt and push some one down when they already are…and to lend a supporting hand to such is difficult and much appreciated. One can make a choice of what category one should fall in…if it is the former, one might as well shut up and do nothing - atleast not do any harm in any way. As the saying goes, one need not help; but they need not hinder in anyway atleast!