I had penned down a lot of experiences over the years. People choose sides in a divorce. Friends split. Some are put in an awkward position.
I had to look for some information in my old mails. I stopped & read many of the mails & conversations. I realised how much people had reached out to help me during that time. I lost touch with a few people. Today I have written to them, apologising if I had done or said anything wrong. I have asked if we could get back in touch. I don’t know if they would respond. I hope they do.
I always tell people who ask me about the decision to go apart….I tell them that it is their decision as only they know what happened between the two of them. I might have a version of my story. P would have his. I know some would choose to believe and back his version & some mine. I do not claim to be all innocent neither would I take all the blame. The divorce happened, does not mean that friends must not be together. It is highly unlikely that P & I cross paths physically ever again. We do talk to each other in a civil manner thanks to having to share a son.
I don’t know why I have the insane reasoning that I must not have any ill-will with anyone I know. There is a friend who said I try to please others too much & am stupid to do so. I think may be it is driven by the fact that I don’t like to lose people. I cannot ignore neither can I let go… It may be the result of my loneliness & lost feeling that I want people around me.
Whatever the reason, I do not want to lose nice friends. I know I will get remarks saying they moved on you do too. They don’t care why do you?! Well I do care! I dont know why?! but I do. That is me!!! May be stupid, crazy or however one might chose to describe it.
I know P has moved on but it does not take away the hurt I feel. I cannot explain it and I don’t think one can understand why I feel how I do. I don’t understand why; how can anyone else?!
As usual I digress….crux is I hope people I have reached out to get back in touch with me. At least just a hello to say they are fine!
I really don’t want to hear a lecture on how some people come and go in our lives….these are not some people who are acquaintances….they are good friends I care about even if I am not in touch with them.
I honestly don’t know why I am penning this down now…may be some day I will read these posts and rethink like I just read all those old mails/chats. Those mails & chats have brought a lump in my throat. I just hope when I read this again later, I smile and think I did right by reaching out!!
Well, it has been so long since I even logged into WordPress!! Was taken aback by all the interface changes!! That is how long!!!
It was nice to see an award when I did log in!!! Been 5 years since I registered it seems!! Wow!! Just a few days back I thought time flies – A turned 8. I think it again today – Didn’t realise it has been 5 years since I registered here!!
Life has not changed much but it has too!! I start afresh yet again in a way tomorrow. Nervous about this yet tired of new beginnings. I just wish I had no more… I am at a weird place now. I want change but I don’t want it either. I feel lonely yet think am too set in my own ways that I can’t think of adapting to being with someone either….
A has been the one strength. I have poured out my anger & frustration to him yet he still manages to give me such a welcoming smile when he sees me. Never ceases to please me. Ever ready to give me a hug. As much as I have resented being the only one responsible for him, I love him to bits.
I truly wish my life was less complicated. Wish I could just enjoy the simple things in life. Days I want to see how A has grown up & what he will become. Days I just don’t want to wake up at all.
I have made some new friends yet, have started to think they are not going to be around either. It is not them…I think it is me! As a friend told me, I am not ready to trust anyone any more. Been left stranded way too many times.
Times I just don’t know what I want. One thing though…no more getting hurt & being used.If it means I don’t trust people or be called rude – so be it. I am tired of feeling lost, sad & many times breaking down into tears, feeling defeated. I may not laugh or smile but I do not want to feel crushed.
I do not think time heals! I don’t even think it makes me feel numb over time…may be it is just me!??!
I have this horoscope subscription to my mailbox. Just out of habit, I look at it everyday… sometimes wondering what it might mean, sometimes laugh at how weird it sounds…whatever I look at this. Today’s horoscope is
You’re feeling a bit more introspective than usual today as your key planet Venus enters your 12th House of Privacy. If you must spend the day with others, you can still withdraw into your imagination while appearing as socially astute as ever. Balancing your previous obligations with your current need to be alone might be tricky unless you’re willing to keep one foot in each world
This just makes me smile!!! I was thinking as I read…hey this is what I do every day!!! Have a foot in each world. Smile/laugh go about everything while my mind is racing with other things yearning to withdraw!! Completely withdraw.
Conversations I have been having with close friends lately made me realise that each of one us is like that. Just the thoughts in our parallel world are different. I am lucky to have a few friends who I can be myself with. Be lost in my own world and not bother with civilities! I wish that each of us have someone at least one someone like that. It is difficult to live in two (or sometimes even more ) worlds constantly!! Takes a toll.
I don’t know how to switch off!! I wish sometimes I could just scream and most times, just be myself locked up in a room. Some who know me well keep asking me what good that would do! I don’t know. May be I won’t be torn apart all the time! Wallowing does not help they say. I say I am not!! Well, one thing is for sure… it will be a long time before I figure this out.
Just that I am glad that I am not alone as there was one significant person in my life who used to say I am mad/crazy/weird. Glad that it is actually normal and even if it is not, I am not the only mad/crazy/weird person!!
I think one of my mum’s favourite quotes is
Ours not to reason why, ours but to do and die. -Alfred Lord Tennyson
Off late, this question bugs me! Why? Why are you doing this? Why don’t you think this over? I have been snapping at those who throw this question at me for whatever reason from something as trivial as why did you change your hairstyle to why did you take this life altering decision? I can understand someone who is concerned asking such questions…but the same thing from those who we say just hello & bye to?!? Ridiculous! What bothers them? How does anything affect them? Nowadays I don’t want to answer that question even if it may remotely affect the person asking it!! Like my parents!
In the down period from the blog, I am now officially single (rather divorced in Indian terms..). Got my divorce decree. I am waiting to join a new job next week. Nervous & excited. Yes, trivial things like I have changed my iPhone & car too.I have reactivated my facebook since I left my previous job (to come out of hermithood like my friend Laksh said ) I have had to listen to the question “why” for all of those!! Seriously…I have asked the same question why for my divorce and never got any answers! Me aking that question I think is valid….and I ask it to myself or bug my close friends while trying to figure things out…
Anyways… lots of changes in the last few months. I certainly would like to thank those who drove me nuts who in turn I drove crazy! (think it is more me driving them crazy than the other way round!) Been through up & down emotions through this…so thanks to those patient wonderful friends of mine. May you remain as patient through our lives….just so you have to manage me!!
I certainly don’t know what is in store. I don’t know what I will do or why I will do whatever… but as a colleague (rather ex-colleague) said…life moves on. Hope I get some of the patience that my friends have in enduring me so I can handle things better BTW, A seems to have immense patience!! Thank whoever!! (Don’t really believe in God or evil – this again is a statement by a very dear friend of mine about me! )
Well… I guess I will just do & die, not to be questioned/question why!
On the request of a reader who comments as “Anonymouse”, I am writing this post.
head trip n. Slang
1. A mentally stimulating experience.
2. An act or a pattern of behavior undertaken primarily for self-gratification.
So this blog is supposed to be mentally stimulating for me – hence it is “my head trip” !! Hopefully if & when I read the archives, I remember why I wrote whatever I did. I don’t know if this blog will help in self-gratification…again hopefully it does
Thanks for reading my posts which are mostly rants & being patient with me!! I don’t know how many readers I still have. Unlike most bloggers I know, I have stopped looking at stats though comments still give me such a boost. Comments help me think that someone is out there who has actually taken the time to look through what I have scribbled!!!
So, if you are reading this…please do let me know you have been here
I’ve off late been wondering how weird it is that people with most access to technology and the best means of communication are the most incommunicado. Or is it just those who are in my life who are like that?
These highly tech savvy people seem to have internet access 24/7, a phone with a good network in their hands (phones like the iphone or blackberry), signed up in all kinds of networks from Google+ to facebook to Twitter to whatever else there is…. So in theory, they must be accessible all the time and respond to a call by some means. Sadly, this is not the case.
I feel like I was more in touch with people back in the days when we did not have mobile phones, and internet was at snail’s pace and not omnipresent. Is it me? Probably it is!!
Read this somewhere
The Silent Killer of relationships is the lack of communication…. communicate before misunderstanding separates you, with hurt, pain, n thoughts
How many of us bother to just say hello?! or even smile at someone we know when we pass by them on the corridor at work?! When all it takes is even a virtual poke or a text message, there seems to be hardly any effort to keep in touch. If someone calls out of the blue, the thought that crosses one’s mind is …ok so what does that person want?! Get to the point already!!!
As I said earlier, may be it is just me and my cynical-self! I used to make an effort to drop that occasional email just to say hi and enquire about welfare. Now I just feel it is futile. I used to send in updated pics of A to people….now I don’t bother! In fact there are times I feel like it is not worth the time or effort to do any of this.
I had quite an accident last week. Called this friend who I have known for ages now. Recounted this…and in the midst of handling this, hung up after asking a query about where I can get the car repaired. Had I been in this person’s place or had it been a few years back, I would have received a call say half an hour or hour later enquiring if things were alright. Guess what? The person pings me when I log on to a chat module much later in the night….and asks “so did you get the car to the repair shop?!” I lost it and responded saying that the question was way too early to be answered…and this friend just disappeared! I guess I must just be thankful that this friend even bothered to ask me later on at night?!?!
Just feel like I am turning more cynical, more bitter & less hopeful by the day. Makes me wonder if it is just me or people are just not what they used to be?! Feel like there is more distance now that the world is virtually a much smaller place…at least in my case!
I just read a post on iPads & pre-schoolers. I have not yielded to get an iPad or Kindle – 1. I love good old fashioned books rather than e-books & 2. economic reasons too though am sure A would love to lay his hands on an iPad!!
I opened WordPress to write a post on technology & well stumbled on the iPads post which made me jump on to that. So before I digress…here goes what originally brought me to post. I went shopping at a shop abroad recently. I told my friend I didn’t need to take cash from him as I had my credit cards. Thank God for plastic!! I chose what I wanted, go to the counter and guess what? The cards I had could not be used! The shop required me to have cards with chips on them. I had none of those! I had plastic that could be used internationally but none with chips! I was stuck asking my friend to swipe for my purchases. I was struck by technology…was told that most shops there used only the chip & pin. Totally understand that- forgery & hence credit-card misuse can be reduced.
Made me wonder why so much of the technology takes time entering India?! Passports that can be swiped to retrieve info at check-in or like my recent shopping experience…cards with chips?! Even cash back on debit cards at shops are not viable ( a minimum limit needs to be spent to use a charge card). We need to take cash out only at ATMs. New model mobiles or computers come later to the country. No wonder people still are enamoured by the thought of being abroad, stuff that is imported. We often do hear how locally available products even international brands are not the same as the ones we get abroad – starting from cleaning products to hi-tech stuff. Why is it so? A country where electronic voting machines are taken to even the remotest villages…supposedly a country that embraces technology despite illiteracy, poverty etc.. why must we wait for quality technology? Perhaps this is a way to reduce scams?
Whatever it is…it prompted me to pen this down. Frustrated that we are behind, frustrated that I had to ask my friend to help out (hate asking monetary help from friends). Well…for a person who does not like to shop much…it didn’t help at all is what I can say
It has been over a month since I last posted. I must say for a long time now I have tried to keep to myself. Even when I did post, I did not really reveal about what my mind was going through. Result of a close friend who induced the thought process into me saying do not be so open. Do not tell everything to everyone. I slowly tried to learn that lesson. That probably explains the dearth of posts on my blog too. I don’t think I have any readers even!!
Anyways today, I decided to just put something down today. This probably will be vague and make no sense whatsoever to most (if at all there is anyone out there who does) who read this.
I don’t know if I am doing right by keeping things to myself, not sharing anything to anyone. The person who did ask me to do this is a close friend who is no longer in town. I miss having the person around. We do skype now and then but long distance relationships…well…that is that. Don’t know about that one! In my confusion of what the heck I am doing, I shut a really good friend out of my life. Sorry (if you are reading this!) I still don’t know why I did that or whether it is right or wrong. I did that right when we were reconnecting after quite a few years. Another friend who i have known for years now, is just confusing me saying nothing is different, but is unavailable if I call or ping. I don’t want to be disturbing my friends. I know they all have their own lives and are really busy. They will ping me when they feel like it. Sometimes I feel like I am just waiting for a ping sometime…desperate to get one text or call…then I feel disappointed when I don’t get any or when someone does not even respond to my ping. I wonder why I even have a phone these days. My facebook/twitter activity is minimal.
In all honesty, I just feel lost & really lonely. My job is going on alright. A is doing pretty well. Thank God! I don’t know why then I feel the way I do. I just know that I feel like I have no one. There are days I just want to give up. Off late, I feel this a lot more. I feel like if I switched my phone off, went away somewhere there probably will be no one who will miss me. I am pathetic & I know that too!!
I don’t know when or if I will ever post again. I don’t know anything any more. I will live for A and do my best for him. That is all I know. I exist and will keep doing that. I must just stop expecting anything from anyone. I don’t think I’ll be happier, but I will definitely not feel as hurt as I do right now.
PS: I know there are many out there who are at a position worse off than I am – knowing that does not take the pain/hurt I feel. Sorry!! Sorry they are going through hell, their hell but it does not make mine feel like heaven. No siree!
A colleague of mine had put up a facebook message asking why some people are so insecure. Another colleague had replied saying that one had to live as them to understand their logic. This is what triggered this post. I have had this conversation with many of my friends and sometimes even acquaintances. Some have just let go of the topic, some persist on how life’s perspective would change if I changed my perspective. I wonder if anyone ever changes just because someone asks them to. Personally, I have changed due to what has happened to me…how people have treated me, life’s experiences – not just because someone gave me a lecture of how it would be different! May be the lecture makes an impact somewhere in the psyche (at least I feel that person cares enough to tell me to feel good )
On the same note, many of my friends do know me as a very pessimistic person. I am! Some have given up asking me to think positive. My funda – if I expect the worst, and even if a slightly positive thing happens, it makes me pleased. Instead, I am positive, expect everything to just fall in place and even when nothing happens, neither positive nor negative; I am disappointed. I choose to be fatalistic just get the pleasure of smiling albeit for a few minutes. An example – a dear friend left town promising to keep in touch with many reassurances. I said to myself, let’s see…. it won’t happen, even if it does, it won’t last for more than a week. There are so many who are my friends with whom even emails are not exchanged!! When I get a call out of the blue from that friend who left, it just changed my day. I felt great. A person around me actually commented “Hey just a phone call, and you transformed!!”. It is early days still, I don’t know how long this would last and whether we would remain in touch (I don’t want to lose my friends… especially when I am looking at a really lonely life ahead)- but each time we do maintain contact, I am pleased.
So, at least in such instances, it probably pays to be insecure. Don’t ya think? I am insecure because I am tired of being positive, working towards everything and then something or the other happens only for me to fail. I do take things up, I work hard to succeed but do not expect to. I wish I had entered my now failed marriage thinking it is poised not to work so I might have been spared the pain. May be I would have taken other decisions right!
To each one’s own. I do not tell someone who is all positive and glowing to tone down, become pessimistic. So, I just ask the same from others. Do not judge me for being insecure. I am here because it is better for me to be here. I enter a relationship, any relationship…. now thinking even a year down the lane, the person will not be there. It is not because I don’t trust the other person, but because it just saves me (actually not really, I still feel depressed and all that, but at least I tell myself hey you knew it was not to last….) I do feel like a fool too (which I probably am) What is the right way? Be positive and expect things not to go according to plan some might say…. I merely expect things to go wrong!
ps: This is one rambling that will probably not make sense at all!!!