Freedom!

I have written about how compulsive I am when it comes to phone calls or messages. I don’t ignore any of them. I would rather pick up & give a piece of my mind than let the call go. So one can imagine how much a part of my life my dear mobile phone has become.

It has made me feel less lonely (theoretically someone is just a phone call away). I think I have ranted enough of how people don’t have the etiquette to return calls/messages or just pick up the phone and call. So will spare my readers that….

I resisted adding an internet package to my phone saying I don’t want to get addicted to being online all the time. Well, I buckled and did that too! I jumped from one fruit to another and back. I love my gadgets (another known fact now to most of those friends who still visit this space).

So, why do I feel free? I was not talking about me being single now… Yes, my phone broke down. I have an iPhone5 now. It just keeps searching for my mobile network. Everything else works fine. I know am going to hear look you spent so much on a phone that just breaks down and all that crap (excuse my language…). No…I wish I would get freedom from that kind of attitude but hey everyone is entitled to an opinion!!

I felt I would miss my phone like crazy! I did for say an hour. I went for offense is the best form of defense & before anyone could ask, I ended up saying oh my phone is not working saga!! In reality though, I just have this sense of how do I put it? relief?!

I hardly get one or two calls a day. I keep in touch with a couple of friends on whatsapp. Otherwise, I nowadays just seem to use the phone to check facebook, tweet or play games (getting addicted to temple run2). So, it seemed fine that I was not accessible. Don’t think anyone even would have noticed!! LOL!!

Nah, not giving up on my phone entirely. Hope it gets fixed. Fingers crossed but then I realised I am not addicted to it either. I can live without my phone and I am surviving. It really is no big deal. I can feel free…nothing to carry, no need to wonder if there is enough charge, spam texts not bothering me.

On my usual self analytic note, I guess once I accept that I have to live my life alone; it really might end up with me feeling free?! I probably will survive my ending up dead alone!! wow!! that is one oxymoron!! I should just start telling myself it is that simple stupid!!

PS: For the very few (1 or 2) if you do read this space, I will be back to troubling you once my phone is set right!! No freedom for you!!

Conflicting…

How many of us have been told …hey look and learn from that person? How much has he/she scored in some test or look at how well she/he does things? Keeping up with the Joneses has been a concept everywhere. Some time or other, we certainly have been told to be better. Look at people who are better to strive to be that way. We have been tuned to want better stuff in life. Appraisal time at work, ratings amongst peer group – obviously we all want to be above peer group. Everywhere we have to do more than we did or someone else did.

Now where is the conflict?

I am talking only about how the situation is with me. I do wonder if it is the same with others out there. When I feel down & think of my life – am told hey look, there is this person who is struggling to just get a meal a day. There is that person desperate to have a child. Count your blessings. You have a job, a kid, a roof above your head, etc etc….

So, when at that time I snap and say why must I not want more. Why must I not want a proper family (as in a dad for my child)? A house I own? or a job where I learn, improve & earn? I am told I am insensitive.

My question is when do have to stop wanting to be better? When should one stop trying and disregard the try, try till you succeed saying?

Even all those proverbs are conflicting…one can use whatever depending on which side they want to speak on

Knowledge is power vs. Ignorance is bliss
Absence makes the heart grow fonder vs. Out of sight, out of mind
Nothing ventured, nothing gained vs. Better safe than sorry….

The list goes on.

Do I keep thinking that life will get better? Or do I just say, fine I am blessed to be alive & accept the way things are?

Guess the cliché ”time will tell” is what I will be told. I guess it will be way too late & my life will be over when time does tell….I do think that my life is already over when I hear of how I must be just satisfied with what I am blessed with!! Wonder if I ever will be wise/mature enough to understand when I must want to strive to be better & when I must sit back/ relax?!

Who’s responsible?!

I am only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand

I read this somewhere, it struck a chord & I tweeted it immediately.

I am getting tired of explaining what I said. I find that most of the time, we will not change our perspective of what we heard. I am guilty of this too hence use “we”.

Do we complicate things unnecessarily? Think too much into anything said/ heard?!

I used to be one of those who took the wysiwyg in this case wyhiwyg (hear) attitude. Not delve too deep, this is because I say what I think. I don’t tuck in cryptic messages. So I am quite dense when it comes to understanding such messages. Guess am not the typical woman wherein when she says no it is a maybe?!?

Over time I realise others are not the same. I need to decipher the actual message!

Why not make things simple? Just say what you mean. Saves a lot of time & effort for everyone involved!! This will also save quite a few relationships!!!

Wondering now who is responsible?! The one who says something or one who understands something else?!?

Why?

I think one of my mum’s favourite quotes is

Ours not to reason why, ours but to do and die. -Alfred Lord Tennyson

Off late, this question bugs me! Why? Why are you doing this? Why don’t you think this over? I have been snapping at those who throw this question at me for whatever reason from something as trivial as why did you change your hairstyle to why did you take this life altering decision? I can understand someone who is concerned asking such questions…but the same thing from those who we say just hello & bye to?!? Ridiculous! What bothers them? How does anything affect them? Nowadays I don’t want to answer that question even if it may remotely affect the person asking it!! Like my parents!

In the down period from the blog, I am now officially single (rather divorced in Indian terms..). Got my divorce decree. I am waiting to join a new job next week. Nervous & excited. Yes, trivial things like I have changed my iPhone & car too.I have reactivated my facebook since I left my previous job (to come out of hermithood like my friend Laksh said ) I have had to listen to the question “why” for all of those!! Seriously…I have asked the same question why for my divorce and never got any answers! Me aking that question I think is valid….and I ask it to myself or bug my close friends while trying to figure things out…

Anyways… lots of changes in the last few months. I certainly would like to thank those who drove me nuts who in turn I drove crazy! (think it is more me driving them crazy than the other way round!) Been through up & down emotions through this…so thanks to those patient wonderful friends of mine. May you remain as patient through our lives….just so you have to manage me!!

I certainly don’t know what is in store. I don’t know what I will do or why I will do whatever… but as a colleague (rather ex-colleague) said…life moves on. Hope I get some of the patience that my friends have in enduring me so I can handle things better BTW, A seems to have immense patience!! Thank whoever!! (Don’t really believe in God or evil – this again is a statement by a very dear friend of mine about me! )

Well… I guess I will just do & die, not to be questioned/question why!

Off Facebook

I know I have not blogged since around Christmas last year. So I must say I have been off blogging and off Facebook. The latter since October last year. It started off with lots of thoughts running in my mind as usual Wondering why I must be on a social networking site where I really was not interested in reading mundane status updates & I didn’t have much to actually do status updates. I had also brought down photos of A from the site much earlier (rather increased privacy options for those albums). Then came a challenge from a good friend saying I could not stay off the internet at all. I deactivated my Facebook account then. Many didn’t realise I was off the site now. Some turned around and asked where I was and whether I had taken them off my list . I get the “oh! you must have read that on Facebook” and when I say “Am off Facebook”, I am received with a gamut of reactions from why to what is wrong with you?!

I can honestly say I do not miss Facebook after nearly 6 months of not being on it. I had no withdrawal symptoms! I still am on Twitter,LinkedIn, come online (mostly invisible) on gtalk or yahoo chat. I read my mails regularly – though the actual personal mails I receive average probably at 1 or 2 a week!! Am not doing much here at my popularity rating am I?!

The last few months have actually made me wonder about friendship & evaluation of the same. Was laughing at the fact that some felt offended that I probably had taken them off my friends’ list to being touched by some’s concern that I had gone bonkers to be offline. LOL!! I was asked if I was surprised that some did not even notice my absence, I said not at all to them… after all each of us have 100s in our list, how would one know if someone went missing unless you interact with them on a daily basis?!

Started wondering how much we give importance to being “friends” on Facebook. Is that being a friend? May be I am old fashioned. To me, a friend is one who will stand by me, through all my stupid emotions (ping ponging as someone recently said); some one who I can call and share a joke or my pains whatever the case might be then. I will do that to anyone who I call a friend. I will not evaluate friendship (yes heard that too!! ) Alright, I digress here though not entirely. Guess I am trying to say that the value of friendship is somehow lost somewhere or so I feel. I am glad that I still have some friends who I can bank on who are used to my ping-pong emotions (and have said hey you are human…if you were a robot may be you won’t have all that and would also be boring! ), who do give me the time of day if I needed a shoulder to cry on or hold my hand, just be there for me. It is difficult when life’s responsibilities take over and friendship does take a backseat many times but all of us acknowledge that we will be there in need. May not be able to take away the pain that one feels of an ailing child or loneliness – but be understanding. Thanks to all those friends who I don’t talk/chat with often but I do know they are there; have been for ages now.

I must also say that I am being really wary of new people thanks to my recent experiences. I do not want people who are weighing in whether they need to be friends. Sorry! stay away!!

 

My woes with a service provider

I write here after so many months only to rant! Sorry …but I have had it till here (wherever that is ) with a certain network that says one needs every kind of friend. Seriously to deal with them, one does need every friend!!!

I must say I have been battling with a few issues for quite some time now…say almost since I stopped posting here. Currently have 2 issues running.

Let me start with the older one. I have my broadband service from this network. Till sometime now, I have been living in the city :Chennai. Suddenly the network decides that I live in Kanchipuram. According to them, my pin code(zip) falls into Kanchipuram. Been hitting my head against brick walls saying the city is Chennai, may be the district is Kanchipuram. I guess all this struggle started around September?! Anyways, long story cut short – I have been getting etiquette lessons about how I must speak even if I  am the frustrated paying customer who gets no resolution to the issue (though after every phone call, get a text message saying issue resolved!!!)

Point to note: One phone call I received enquiring about this from the network. The guy asks me to explain everything!! I asked if they every maintained any logs of calls!!! Frustration mounts if you have to explain each time about the issue & the history! I asked him sarcastically if Kanchipuram was Chennai. He goes I don’t know I am from Gurgaon. Told him don’t care if he were from Timbuctoo but I needed the correction done on my bill (which can be produced as proof of address for any official purpose). He does not even bother to cover up he tells his colleague in Hindi that I speak too much! I responded back in Hindi saying anyone would if they went through what I do to get my address right! He continues to his colleague “yeh madrasi hindi janti hai!”. Limits! And these people teach us phone etiquette!!!!

After calling, mailing, tweeting; I have given up. So according to my broadband provider the city on my address should read “Kanchipuram” -  a  town I probably have visited twice in my lifetime so far!!

My second issue. I got a gift of an iPhone4S (yay!!). Well not so fast to celebrate. To use it, I need a microSIM card. I call the relationship manager of the network that I deal with at work and ask him. He said he would get it to me that day… which went on for more than a week. I gave up, went to a private mobile store; got my old (one I used since 2008) SIM card laser cut. I call the network to make changes to start using 3G.

10 December: I get a call congratulating me on my phone. Tell me about plans for my usage. Then when I said the network drops, am told the issue is with the card and I would receive a brand new one by Tuesday that week. She would also call me on Wednesday to follow up and find out if it worked fine?!

14 December: Evening after waiting, not receiving card nor call, I call them. They say they tried to reach me and I was unreachable. They tried once. I had given them an alternate mobile number which also uses the same network!!

15/16 December: They call me once each day while I was entering a meeting or was in one. I tell them a time to call, I never get the call.

Fast-forward to 20th: Still no microSIM from the network. I call. They had closed the previous call and start a new one.

No calls from them… 21st I try cust care from my iPhone. I cannot reach them at all.I use my other mobile, tell them this…they assure me I will get a call back in 15 minutes around 4:20 PM.

22 December: 10:30AM no calls. I call using my other line, to be assured I will get a call back in a few minutes (I must have asked what their few minutes was specifically!) Around 4- 4:30Pm, lo behold I can call from my iPhone4S. I ask what happened. There are no records of calls made on 21st & 22nd!! The whole process of issue/history starts! I lost it. Told them I have lost hope that I would ever receive a microSIM from them, not now, not in this century or even next!

Supposedly I was told that my network drops because of faulty old SIM card but I cannot get it replaced. So, do I suffer with the faulty network stuck with “amazing” customer service (btw, I am told by the mechanical voice when I call customer service that I am welcome to their Platinum service!!!).

I am sure that they would have “resolved” the issue according to them. I am stuck with lousy network services which will be blamed on my SIM card making me wonder why I ever got a phone like this (which by the way is a pleasure to use!!)

In conversation with a friend, we were saying may be we must stop paying our bills and then may be they will call us!?!?! If we as prompt paying customers get this service, GOK what others are provided with?!?!

I must say one thing these people have made me do is get back to writing on the blog! Wish it were on a happier note and not such a rant!

Navarathri

This is my third post of the same title!! Trivia…

This made me look at what I had written earlier & when… 2007 & 2008. 2007 I have written about going back & following the tradition (don’t know if I have to laugh or cry at reading this!). 2008 just a wikipedia like note with pics taken from kolu at home. Then 2 years missing & this now!!

Got no new dolls this year…yet. Think I got a proper Bengali Durga doll the last 2 years when I had not posted. Mum tells me that I had asked for a similar doll better looking one ages ago – but was expensive & we could not afford it then. I like this doll too.

Every year, as we keep the dolls on the steps, we reminisce about how we got the doll. Other conversation invariably revolves around how the quality of the dolls are not up to the mark. I can actually see that here… the dolls we have inherited from my great grandparents look so good even after all these years, but those we got recently are broken, faded. It feels like the artisans of yore actually took pleasure doing the dolls while the newer ones are more of a commercial venture?! Or is it just my random thought?

This year, one small doll is missing (we are in the process of finding out where she is gone…) It is Ganga in the Bhaghirath story of bringing her on to earth! Aside we are laughing at how even he cannot do that now if he tried & may be it is symbolical that Ganga is missing The weird conversations we have at home!!!! It is coincidental that in the 2008 post, one of the pictures is of the same set!!! So, we have her at least on that

I noticed some broken dolls. Was wondering if we discard them… and lo behold Mum & I had a debate ( been a while since we even spoke to each other – we used to have so many of these nice debates – not fights/arguments…but debates ) She quoted “maha periyaval” saying He said that something to the tune of do we throw away old people if their limbs are broken or don’t function. My view was…hey these are dolls, we need to recycle. If they are broken, replace them…gives a boost to the artists when you buy, keeps commerce going. This got the response – well look at the dolls these days! Guess what in the end, I did succumb and decided to mend the mendable old dolls with quickfix cos they still look good. Even the paint of the old dolls look good!! What did they do – use vegetable paint I suppose?!

Anyways it was one “ok” day. With some work done, debates (& some arguments) – the kolu is up…hope to improve on it the next few days , may be go against my parents get a new doll or 2 or 3 …(and of course find Ganga ). Must start calling friends and asking them to come over for the “vethalapaaku” . I keep saying I don’t believe in God & I do all this just cos this has been done all these years. I don’t want to influence my son with my views! He has to form his own ones… lets see!!

Happy Navarathri to one and all!

Isn’t it weird?

I’ve off late been wondering how weird it is that people with most access to technology and the best means of communication are the most incommunicado. Or is it just those who are in my life who are like that?
These highly tech savvy people seem to have internet access 24/7, a phone with a good network in their hands (phones like the iphone or blackberry), signed up in all kinds of networks from Google+ to facebook to Twitter to whatever else there is…. So in theory, they must be accessible all the time and respond to a call by some means. Sadly, this is not the case.

I feel like I was more in touch with people back in the days when we did not have mobile phones, and internet was at snail’s pace and not omnipresent. Is it me? Probably it is!!

Read this somewhere

The Silent Killer of relationships is the lack of communication…. communicate before misunderstanding separates you, with hurt, pain, n thoughts

How many of us bother to just say hello?! or even smile at someone we know when we pass by them on the corridor at work?! When all it takes is even a virtual poke or a text message, there seems to be hardly any effort to keep in touch. If someone calls out of the blue, the thought that crosses one’s mind is …ok so what does that person want?! Get to the point already!!!

As I said earlier, may be it is just me and my cynical-self! I used to make an effort to drop that occasional email just to say hi and enquire about welfare. Now I just feel it is futile. I used to send in updated pics of A to people….now I don’t bother! In fact there are times I feel like it is not worth the time or effort to do any of this.

I had quite an accident last week. Called this friend who I have known for ages now. Recounted this…and in the midst of handling this, hung up after asking a query about where I can get the car repaired. Had I been in this person’s place or had it been a few years back, I would have received a call say half an hour or hour later enquiring if things were alright. Guess what? The person pings me when I log on to a chat module much later in the night….and asks “so did you get the car to the repair shop?!” I lost it and responded saying that the question was way too early to be answered…and this friend just disappeared! I guess I must just be thankful that this friend even bothered to ask me later on at night?!?!

Just feel like I am turning more cynical, more bitter & less hopeful by the day. Makes me wonder if it is just me or people are just not what they used to be?! Feel like there is more distance now that the world is virtually a much smaller place…at least in my case!

Third consecutive post?!!…

Yeah this is the third consecutive post on technology!! Of course just my random thoughts on whatever!!

Listening to the radio while driving, one can’t avoid listening to the ads too. One goes with the voiceover of a child narrating to her dad that she did not have teachers for 3 periods in class. The dad is bewildered and the child replies they used a particular brand of computing services. Indications of how teachers were not required in classrooms and computing solutions are enough for the kids to learn!!!!! The kid asks whether they can get the same system at home to which the dad responds he would get it if the kid did well at school!

I am not suggesting that we go back to good old days wherein we used no technology. I understand most schools now use smart boards (A’s schools so far have!) but even the mere thought of doing away of teachers??!! I know it is an ad but it just hit a nerve! We are becoming so mechanical, technology dependent that sometimes I guess we forget about relationships, people. We start taking that for granted. Yes, I have got friends thanks to this medium but would I be friends with a bot?! No way! So why would I subject my kid to a no teacher classroom or why would anyone think of doing that?

I guess I have rambled enough. Point is, I think I like my no technology downtimes these days & appreciate what life has to offer! I am learning not to be glued to this machine, not thinking of doing away with it; but just trying to hit the balance! I hope that A does grow in a society where technology is embraced without giving up basic human interactions.

Should I be worried?

I was composing a mail on GMail. Yeah had “is attached” in the message. On clicking the send button…got this pop up!! I did send the mail but got me thinking… Hey are my mails being censored in some way?! Analysed, read?! This certainly piqued the paranoia in me!!

What would go through your minds if you got such a message? Just curious!?