I crave normalcy

This morning my WordPress App pinged me to say there is a new post… Normal is boring said the title. I never miss reading a post on Saying it Aloud  whether I comment or not

Now having read the post, and considering what is happening in life now, I crave for what people say is normal. I wish I had followed the “normal” path. I wish I have not been hatke (hindi).

I wish I just was not fighting each day to prove. I don’t even know now what I want to prove to whom! To prove to me that life is worth living?!?

The last few days/weeks have been making me think I should go back and probably start somewhere in high school to change the route I had taken…..gone the way most of my peers went taking up either engineering or medicine. Fine I didn’t then, may be I must have stuck to my major & went on to do my post graduation. – Pointless thoughts I know!!!

I guess in all, I wish I had never married especially the way I did & stuck to my career path then. Yes, I would not have had A!!! May be he is better off without me who right now is feeling like I have failed in every single thing and I am tired, exhausted.

I wish for a normal life. A boring life -  so be it. I wish to get off the roller coaster. I feel sick of it. I do not want to be an outlier.

I know that even as I pen all this down, I am also thinking more off the ordinary for the problems I am having in life right now. Wondering what is in store and throwing my hands up saying I cannot take anything any more!

Hope A has a normal life at least as he grows up. Methinks he has enough of not being normal!!

Reaching out…

I had penned down a lot of experiences over the years. People choose sides in a divorce. Friends split. Some are put in an awkward position.

I had to look for some information in my old mails. I stopped & read many of the mails & conversations. I realised how much people had reached out to help me during that time. I lost touch with a few people. Today I have written to them, apologising if I had done or said anything wrong. I have asked if we could get back in touch. I don’t know if they would respond. I hope they do.

I always tell people who ask me about the decision to go apart….I tell them that it is their decision as only they know what happened between the two of them. I might have a version of my story. P would have his. I know some would choose to believe and back his version & some mine. I do not claim to be all innocent neither would I take all the blame. The divorce happened, does not mean that friends must not be together. It is highly unlikely that P & I cross paths physically ever again. We do talk to each other in a civil manner thanks to having to share a son.

I don’t know why I have the insane reasoning that I must not have any ill-will with anyone I know. There is a friend who said I try to please others too much & am stupid to do so. I think may be it is driven by the fact that I don’t like to lose people. I cannot ignore neither can I let go… It may be the result of my loneliness & lost feeling that I want people around me.

Whatever the reason, I do not want to lose nice friends. I know I will get remarks saying they moved on you do too. They don’t care why do you?! Well I do care! I dont know why?! but I do. That is me!!! May be stupid, crazy or however one might chose to describe it.

I know P has moved on but it does not take away the hurt I feel. I cannot explain it and I don’t think one can understand why I feel how I do. I don’t understand why; how can anyone else?!

As usual I digress….crux is I hope people I have reached out to get back in touch with me. At least just a hello to say they are fine!

I really don’t want to hear a lecture on how some people come and go in our lives….these are not some people who are acquaintances….they are good friends I care about even if I am not in touch with them.

I honestly don’t know why I am penning this down now…may be some day I will read these posts and rethink like I just read all those old mails/chats. Those mails & chats have brought a lump in my throat. I just hope when I read this again later, I smile and think I did right by reaching out!!

Freedom!

I have written about how compulsive I am when it comes to phone calls or messages. I don’t ignore any of them. I would rather pick up & give a piece of my mind than let the call go. So one can imagine how much a part of my life my dear mobile phone has become.

It has made me feel less lonely (theoretically someone is just a phone call away). I think I have ranted enough of how people don’t have the etiquette to return calls/messages or just pick up the phone and call. So will spare my readers that….

I resisted adding an internet package to my phone saying I don’t want to get addicted to being online all the time. Well, I buckled and did that too! I jumped from one fruit to another and back. I love my gadgets (another known fact now to most of those friends who still visit this space).

So, why do I feel free? I was not talking about me being single now… Yes, my phone broke down. I have an iPhone5 now. It just keeps searching for my mobile network. Everything else works fine. I know am going to hear look you spent so much on a phone that just breaks down and all that crap (excuse my language…). No…I wish I would get freedom from that kind of attitude but hey everyone is entitled to an opinion!!

I felt I would miss my phone like crazy! I did for say an hour. I went for offense is the best form of defense & before anyone could ask, I ended up saying oh my phone is not working saga!! In reality though, I just have this sense of how do I put it? relief?!

I hardly get one or two calls a day. I keep in touch with a couple of friends on whatsapp. Otherwise, I nowadays just seem to use the phone to check facebook, tweet or play games (getting addicted to temple run2). So, it seemed fine that I was not accessible. Don’t think anyone even would have noticed!! LOL!!

Nah, not giving up on my phone entirely. Hope it gets fixed. Fingers crossed but then I realised I am not addicted to it either. I can live without my phone and I am surviving. It really is no big deal. I can feel free…nothing to carry, no need to wonder if there is enough charge, spam texts not bothering me.

On my usual self analytic note, I guess once I accept that I have to live my life alone; it really might end up with me feeling free?! I probably will survive my ending up dead alone!! wow!! that is one oxymoron!! I should just start telling myself it is that simple stupid!!

PS: For the very few (1 or 2) if you do read this space, I will be back to troubling you once my phone is set right!! No freedom for you!!

Conflicting…

How many of us have been told …hey look and learn from that person? How much has he/she scored in some test or look at how well she/he does things? Keeping up with the Joneses has been a concept everywhere. Some time or other, we certainly have been told to be better. Look at people who are better to strive to be that way. We have been tuned to want better stuff in life. Appraisal time at work, ratings amongst peer group – obviously we all want to be above peer group. Everywhere we have to do more than we did or someone else did.

Now where is the conflict?

I am talking only about how the situation is with me. I do wonder if it is the same with others out there. When I feel down & think of my life – am told hey look, there is this person who is struggling to just get a meal a day. There is that person desperate to have a child. Count your blessings. You have a job, a kid, a roof above your head, etc etc….

So, when at that time I snap and say why must I not want more. Why must I not want a proper family (as in a dad for my child)? A house I own? or a job where I learn, improve & earn? I am told I am insensitive.

My question is when do have to stop wanting to be better? When should one stop trying and disregard the try, try till you succeed saying?

Even all those proverbs are conflicting…one can use whatever depending on which side they want to speak on

Knowledge is power vs. Ignorance is bliss
Absence makes the heart grow fonder vs. Out of sight, out of mind
Nothing ventured, nothing gained vs. Better safe than sorry….

The list goes on.

Do I keep thinking that life will get better? Or do I just say, fine I am blessed to be alive & accept the way things are?

Guess the cliché ”time will tell” is what I will be told. I guess it will be way too late & my life will be over when time does tell….I do think that my life is already over when I hear of how I must be just satisfied with what I am blessed with!! Wonder if I ever will be wise/mature enough to understand when I must want to strive to be better & when I must sit back/ relax?!

Who’s responsible?!

I am only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand

I read this somewhere, it struck a chord & I tweeted it immediately.

I am getting tired of explaining what I said. I find that most of the time, we will not change our perspective of what we heard. I am guilty of this too hence use “we”.

Do we complicate things unnecessarily? Think too much into anything said/ heard?!

I used to be one of those who took the wysiwyg in this case wyhiwyg (hear) attitude. Not delve too deep, this is because I say what I think. I don’t tuck in cryptic messages. So I am quite dense when it comes to understanding such messages. Guess am not the typical woman wherein when she says no it is a maybe?!?

Over time I realise others are not the same. I need to decipher the actual message!

Why not make things simple? Just say what you mean. Saves a lot of time & effort for everyone involved!! This will also save quite a few relationships!!!

Wondering now who is responsible?! The one who says something or one who understands something else?!?

Maybe it is just me….

Well, it has been so long since I even logged into WordPress!! Was taken aback by all the interface changes!! That is how long!!!

It was nice to see an award when I did log in!!! Been 5 years since I registered it seems!! Wow!! Just a few days back I thought time flies – A turned 8. I think it again today – Didn’t realise it has been 5 years since I registered here!!

Life has not changed much but it has too!! I start afresh yet again in a way tomorrow. Nervous about this yet tired of new beginnings. I just wish I had no more… I am at a weird place now. I want change but I don’t want it either. I feel lonely yet think am too set in my own ways that I can’t think of adapting to being with someone either….

A has been the one strength. I have poured out my anger & frustration to him yet he still manages to give me such a welcoming smile when he sees me. Never ceases to please me. Ever ready to give me a hug. As much as I have resented being the only one responsible for him, I love him to bits.

I truly wish my life was less complicated. Wish I could just enjoy the simple things in life. Days I want to see how A has grown up & what he will become. Days I just don’t want to wake up at all.

I have made some new friends yet, have started to think they are not going to be around either. It is not them…I think it is me! As a friend told me, I am not ready to trust anyone any more. Been left stranded way too many times.

Times I just don’t know what I want. One thing though…no more getting hurt & being used.If it means I don’t trust people or be called rude – so be it. I am tired of feeling lost, sad & many times breaking down into tears, feeling defeated. I may not laugh or smile but I do not want to feel crushed.

I do not think time heals! I don’t even think it makes me feel numb over time…may be it is just me!??!

Just don’t fit in!

This is what I have been feeling for quite a while now! Working in a company where the average age of the employees is around 25, I am old there! I did write that I found a few friends; then why do I feel like I don’t fit in….not there not anywhere.

I have come to realise why there are support groups with similar people coming together! I didn’t before this. Now I am a single mother living with her parents. My friends are single either living on their own or with their parents. So, there are times they don’t get it that I have a kid back home with my parents who I don’t want to act as parents to my son! I really can’t hamper their plans just because I have a kid, or make them accomodate the kiddo! My other friends who do have kids, well,  that is another story! They are married and have a proper standard family. I can’t really hinder them either. I do feel I am part of neither group!

At work, I am older in the company than what I was when I joined but still not old enough to be tenured! So, I don’t quite fit in there either. As much as I dread being alone, it appears to be my only option these days. I would rather not trouble my friends and make them change their plans or conversations for me!

These aren’t the only reasons that make me feel like I don’t fit in. There are quite a few more….one more; some friends of mine are so out of the box thinking (I don’t have that thinking but admire them for it!) or they are so boxed in (which also I admire as I can’t do that either!)

Seriously contemplating to shut myself out from everything & everything, keep to myself rather than feel uncomfortably about not fitting in anywhere! Saves me the pain & agony – that is for sure!

One foot in each world

I have this horoscope subscription to my mailbox. Just out of habit, I look at it everyday… sometimes wondering what it might mean, sometimes laugh at how weird it sounds…whatever I look at this. Today’s horoscope is

You’re feeling a bit more introspective than usual today as your key planet Venus enters your 12th House of Privacy. If you must spend the day with others, you can still withdraw into your imagination while appearing as socially astute as ever. Balancing your previous obligations with your current need to be alone might be tricky unless you’re willing to keep one foot in each world

This just makes me smile!!! I was thinking as I read…hey this is what I do every day!!! Have a foot in each world. Smile/laugh go about everything while my mind is racing with other things yearning to withdraw!! Completely withdraw.

Conversations I have been having with close friends lately made me realise that each of one us is like that. Just the thoughts in our parallel world are different. I am lucky to have a few friends who I can be myself with. Be lost in my own world and not bother with civilities! I wish that each of us have someone at least one someone like that. It is difficult to live in two (or sometimes even more ) worlds constantly!! Takes a toll.

I don’t know how to switch off!! I wish sometimes I could just scream and most times, just be myself locked up in a room. Some who know me well keep asking me what good that would do! I don’t know. May be I won’t be torn apart all the time! Wallowing does not help they say. I say I am not!! Well, one thing is for sure… it will be a long time before I figure this out.

Just that I am glad that I am not alone as there was one significant person in my life who used to say I am mad/crazy/weird. Glad that it is actually normal and even if it is not, I am not the only mad/crazy/weird person!!

3 months since last post..

What has changed? Well, I don’t seem to have time for anything at all. Not even to read my favourite blogs let alone penning my insane thoughts here. Don’t seem to spend any time with A either. What have I been doing then??

Settling down into my job. Getting used to the schedule, the people. Have I? Honest answer – No. The pluses so far: Found a few friends- Wonderful folks. Realised how important the time I spend with A is. Learnt that it is only I who has to change. Society remains and will remain the same!!!

I must say that A has been wonderful. Touchwood. He has been a good student, coping with seeing me only for the hour in the morning when I send him off to school and the weekends. Guess it is me who feels guilty. I feel like I am not being responsible especially when he has only me! My inability to cope makes me snap at him, the one person I really love. He still comes with his cute little smile and hugs me!
I must have done something good sometime to deserve this love from my kid!!!

I am now wondering (guess like all working mothers in the world) if a career is worth it or the time you spend with your kid. Being the Libra I am, weighing the pros & cons a lot!! Don’t know & confused…

A few things I do want people to know: that, just because you break down into tears/are emotional does not mean you are not strong or that you don’t have reason! Just because you have not decided on an objective & can’t say what it is does not mean you are not focused. It is not like one does not change course in life. Lucky are those who have stuck to what they wanted and got there. I am not that lucky. I have had to change so many times, that now I just go as life goes. Make the best of what is put forth to me & avoid the depression due to disappointment if I have to change once more if I decide on a path. No iron-clad guarantee that I would be able to get what I want….thing is I didn’t change paths because I gave up; I had to change because of circumstances.

Wondering now as to when I can actually share a happy post to those few who still take the time to read my ruminations!!! Wonder when I will actually find my niche – I am told I am old & should know what I want or have to do. I don’t.

I just know I don’t want to fall into depression. I don’t want to think of leaving/disappearing & abandoning my son. I must confess that I am not being so successful!

Guess I need a break – not from blogging

 

Why?

I think one of my mum’s favourite quotes is

Ours not to reason why, ours but to do and die. -Alfred Lord Tennyson

Off late, this question bugs me! Why? Why are you doing this? Why don’t you think this over? I have been snapping at those who throw this question at me for whatever reason from something as trivial as why did you change your hairstyle to why did you take this life altering decision? I can understand someone who is concerned asking such questions…but the same thing from those who we say just hello & bye to?!? Ridiculous! What bothers them? How does anything affect them? Nowadays I don’t want to answer that question even if it may remotely affect the person asking it!! Like my parents!

In the down period from the blog, I am now officially single (rather divorced in Indian terms..). Got my divorce decree. I am waiting to join a new job next week. Nervous & excited. Yes, trivial things like I have changed my iPhone & car too.I have reactivated my facebook since I left my previous job (to come out of hermithood like my friend Laksh said ) I have had to listen to the question “why” for all of those!! Seriously…I have asked the same question why for my divorce and never got any answers! Me aking that question I think is valid….and I ask it to myself or bug my close friends while trying to figure things out…

Anyways… lots of changes in the last few months. I certainly would like to thank those who drove me nuts who in turn I drove crazy! (think it is more me driving them crazy than the other way round!) Been through up & down emotions through this…so thanks to those patient wonderful friends of mine. May you remain as patient through our lives….just so you have to manage me!!

I certainly don’t know what is in store. I don’t know what I will do or why I will do whatever… but as a colleague (rather ex-colleague) said…life moves on. Hope I get some of the patience that my friends have in enduring me so I can handle things better BTW, A seems to have immense patience!! Thank whoever!! (Don’t really believe in God or evil – this again is a statement by a very dear friend of mine about me! )

Well… I guess I will just do & die, not to be questioned/question why!