Been a year!

It is a year since A and I left our lives as we knew it for a “vacation”. Little did we know that it was us being banished. Thing is I never knew that it was so until december last! I was sent away with the idea that I would be back in two months; lies, deception about the delays to get the “visa approval” ( never applied for!). Finally the bombshell early december after much coaxing. It shattered me. I tried bargaining my way back thinking A would miss having a complete family around while growing up. The B phase of DABDA that my good friend mentions in his blog? Anger is something that is still simmering. Losing 7 odd years in my life while I was thinking we were working everything out and was made to believe that everything was fine - cannot really put into words of how I feel.

Starting my life back from scratch, sent away to live with my parents at an age where one wants a place to call her own.  There are many days when I feel that A is a hug burden and am scared of failing at some point and being blamed entirely. I am terrified when I think of the impact this is going to have on him; terrified when I think of my life once he sets on his path. I cannot even sit alone for a few minutes; growing old alone?!?! I am tired of facing the society here where it is blasphemy still and a divorce is my fault and nothing but. The funny part is; the guy who did all the drama to put me in this spot has not filed for it yet! I am scared of what he is plotting now to ruin me further if at all it is possible. All my dreams/ aspirations shelved forever. Hurts more because I had no clue whatsoever! I had been fooled like many others that he is a good father who puts his son first ( after all he supposedly had a bad childhood with a strict dad), the promises he made while marrying me (he stopped smoking for me!) He turns around and says I was fool to believe all that he said! I am told I am fool to have trusted my husband.

I am a fool. I just cannot get smarter! All I hope now is that he files for the divorce (uncontested as he is filing in the US) and does not hurt me more. Leaves A to be with me, gives money so I can give the best to my son. I cannot afford anything with my pay and the rising inflation in India. I cannot even think of living on my own with the paltry pay I get now; or even appoint a caretaker. The last thing I ever wanted to do was to trouble my parents in their old age; and they are stuck with us. My father has to take care of A and my bedridden mother - no choice! Now, my husband is sending money which I am saving up in the fear that it will stop sometime soon. I have asked him to be honest & forthright at least now - he does not bother to answer even his mails!

I am fighting to get A’s & my stuff back here. Don’t know if he would ever send anything…documents, toys, clothes, misc. People tell me I am being petty, I should just let it be; not ask for all that back…my question is why? After all, those things are ours (many things paid for by my parents) or things that I got for A to grow up with!

I am being a fool; when the guy cannot reply to a lousy mail; I expect him to send everything and be decent?!? I am just torn between I want nothing to do with him to I need money to take care of A to what would happen to A as he grows up. How do I face his questions?!? How do I answer all the comments I face in society here (even wearing clothes the way I chose to is scrutinised!) How would A face everything?! He has been having a low grade fever now, acts up and the doctor says that it is probably more psychological than physical as he is dealing with my absence too when I am away at work (I had written earlier that I did not want to go work till A was settled but I need to now!) I have stopped believing in God. I have stopped believing there is anyone out there. I just know that I have to be here for A.

I had battled with the urge to write all this earlier. Every trauma sometimes would egg me on to write an entry. I stopped myself. I did not want to pour out like I have; but today, I decided not to listen to the voice that is asking me to stop or to some well-meaning friends who asked me as to how much I want to bear out.  Why? I want people to know that all is not well and happy. Do not trust others. Since this has been happening, I have heard stories that are even worse (women with infants left on the streets in the heights of cold winters etc…,) I don’t want to count my blessings or listen to any cliché. This is a vent out of depression/anger and a warning to anyone who are placing faith on someone else even those “friends” who you pour your heart out to and end up singed!

I do want to thank those who have stood by me and A- My mother especially even in her state of health has been a pillar of support.

The future?

I like checking out my horoscope. I sometimes do it at the end of the day, wondering if the prediction matched my day There are those days when the horoscope is so vague when I wonder why I keep up with this idiosyncrasy!?!? Today is one such day!

How I wish there is some place which tells me this is what you can expect in your life. Don’t want total accuracy; just a guideline?! I am just so tired of living each day as it comes not knowing what is in store for me (and my son by default now!) Is a peaceful life too much to ask for? When will I get that?

Walking on landmines!

I guess I understand what that means now….I wish I could elaborate in detail; but just wanted to pen down what I am going through now.  Don’t really know what A and I have done to deserve this phase in our lives. I just want us to lead a peaceful life, me enjoying A’s growing years and giving him the best I can.

Wonder if I can, when there was a day when I could not even assure him and me of a proper roof above our heads!!! Keep thinking what I should have done differently…

Questions throng my mind with no answers anywhere!!! My fears of pulling A with me into the abyss haunts me every minute of the day!

This is my crib of the moment(?!)….hope it comes to a stop soon - one way or another.

Thought to ponder!

Idealism is what precedes experience; cynicism is what follows.  - David T. Wolf

I log into my iGoogle page and this is the Quote of the day. How apt I thought!

When I entered my married phase in life…it was all idealistic - Death do us part types; especially having grown up thinking that marriages were forever. I never really had this Prince Charming would come etc.., type of dreams…but did think that when I got married, it would be forever.

Now after 7 odd years, and an impending divorce; cynicism fills my mind - not just about marriage, but anything surrounding it. Wonder if this cynicism would ever go away?!?

The only good thing out of this is my son I treasure. I would never give him up and hope that he grows out to be a better individual with proper values in life.

Inflation, Indian Middle Class & George Bush!

I am not really a very politcally active person - don’t really have strong view points, I just enforce my franchise (waiting on my voter’s ID now ) but…this!!!! I don’t see this as being political even…Is it just another of Mr.Bush’s gaffes??

George Bush on Indian Middle class consumption - I was pretty much outraged by this remark … Actually I also found it pretty ridiculous.

I understand that world economy is all interlinked etc.., am not much of an economist or anything close to it…Still one can just not hear something like this from a world leader!!!

Inflation is high in India too….hope there is no slugfest with leaders blaming the US for something!?! Though I guess we should expect that pretty soon?!?

Big Fish

Yes, this is an entry based on the movie. Big Fish was a movie I loved when I saw it the first time. Went on to get the DVD of it too (don’t have it with me like so many of my other things - thanks to someone who would no longer be in our lives by his choice)

I am mentioning this and the person as I am watching the movie on TV now. The movie is about the father- son relationship. I am keying this in with a lump in my throat that my son would not have this or anything close to it as he would not have this person around. I am wondering how I would explain his absence when A starts questioning me. I wonder if I can be both the mother and the father  as he grows up.

People say God gives only what one can handle; this still does not stop me from self- doubt. I want to give the best to A like any other parent would want to for the kid. I just hope I succeed and never let A feel like he missed something or someone ever!

I had never cried in movies….today though after watching Big Fish; I had tears in my eyes. May be I have changed?!?  I still like the movie though.

 

Knock! Knock!!

Weird how my brain works!!!….Or is it not? I was just wondering how when I keep yourself busy in some way or the other….I don’t even think of the problems I am facing!! Give me just a minute of free time…and lo!! I start mulling over everything and going back on the path of depression.

I plan to keep myself busy all the time to never get on to that path come what may! Hope I can stick to this plan

Sometimes though the problem is my brain goes into multi-task mode! Then there runs a parallel thread or multiple threads even sometimes!! What do I do then?? How do I end those?? I wonder! Don’t know how or when, but there should come a time when I can really block out negative stuff and not bother about them at all…either the past, present or future. Time should only tell I suppose…Knock knock time!!

Views

I was put into my thought mode by a remark made by one of my friends today. She remarked how funny it is to see that there are people who see you in such diametrically opposite views. I have often fretted over what the other person thinks of me (I should rather say it in the present tense! ). I have this urge to please everyone, fit into everyone’s purview. Hence am always in a dilemma

I realise that it is not funny that people have such clashing attitudes toward you - to each one’s own. Just that personally, I end up trying hard to make them see me in proper light much to my own chagrin usually. I guess like some of my well wishers tell me, let anyone think whatever they want about you or think whatever….you be who you are and do what you do. Do not bother about others unless they have been proven to really care about your welfare and earned your trust.

My problem : I trust everyone! Give people more chances if they betray the trust….then I get singed. Still have not learnt my lesson! Is it that bad to trust someone? Is it not worse for the other person to break it?? Why do I feel I am answerable to all and sundry? I get so worked up if even one individual cannot get it!  I feel irritated, depressed, angry…just go through a gamut of emotions….Do I need to feel accepted that much? Boy!! Something is wrong with me! I need help!!! and sooooon before I dig my own grave. Sometimes feel like I am halfway through already! My train of thought puts me in a really self-destructive thought process sometimes. I suppose I should be patient (as I said am far from it) and positive (again poles apart!! pessimist to the core except am such an optmist when it comes to other people )

Madras …

Today’s The Hindu  Metro Plus carried two articles which captured my attention. One was on whether Madras is conservative? and another on kolams in the personality column titled L’Affaire Kolam.

Both articles are well written. Just enjoyed them both; hence this entry.

Since I cannot find the link to the Kolam article…will give a gist. It is about a French visual artist Severine Bourguignon whose views are written. She takes photographs of the kolams going in and around Chennai. She calls it a fragile art form with remnants definitely being washed off the next day.Artform without ego! She calls it and quotes how it reinforces Indian belief in the Gita - the detachment and peace that accompany doing things without pride or possessiveness about the deed or its fruit. The journalist says that Severine’s focus daws our gaze into our ingenuity of our ancestors who developed this practice - as combination of aesthetics, physical exercise, concentration, math concepts, communication, spirituality and detachment!

Well…after reading both articles I was more proud to call myself a Madrasi and one who knows the art of kolam to an extent In my mind, Madras is a bit conservative in its thoughts though it is progressing otherwise. I feel that the basic values form the core of the society. Madrasis would embrace modern stuff with elan; but when it comes to certain things, atleast when it comes to their personal life; they do get very conservative. I remember seeing a programme on TV about marriages and how everywhere else, it is the couple who decides entirely about the marriage and even pitch in to pay whereas in good old Madras; majority is where the parents do everything - including deciding the future daughter-in-law or son-in-law. Now do we call that conservatism or tradition?? Am confused as usual. I agree though with the journalist Madhurika Sankar that it piques me when someone says Madras is boring and have asked people what is it that they can do elsewhere that they cannot here?!

The kolam bit…I used to feel sad when the kolam I took sometimes hours to finish gets washed off by rain within minutes wishing it had stayed till the next day when we can work our brains all over again - I never thought of all the deep stuff that had been written; detachment, Gita and stuff. Guess I just did what our ancestors have been doing without giving any more thought to it. The article atleast has put some fodder to my idle brain

Rains!!

I love rains..especially here in good old Chennai. There have been days when my mother used to warn me and ask me to carry a raincoat which went unheeded just because I love getting wet in the rain. (It is not like the chilly rains back in the US! ) The rains here bring down the temperature which is soooo welcome!!

For the past few days, it has been raining. Very unseasonal. Madras does not have south-west monsoons…it has north-east monsoons that come later during the year around october-november; generally dampening Deepavali celebrations (btw, hope I got the  names of the directions right…digging it out of my long lost geography texts ) I love it that the sweltering heat has come down a wee bit. I got wet in the rain too one day

Thing is…I don’t know what it is with the weather Gods and laying of our neighbourhood roads. Just when they top the roads, it rains!! Back to square 1 with regards to the state of the roads….Why does it never rain when we want it to? Like life in general I suppose D Nothing occurs when you need it most