Dancing in the rain :)

The day started off really well, just the kind of weather I like . I got to know that I would be having a job for the next 9 months. That was great news!! I went over to spend some time with colleagues prepping for a halloween party. By the time we were done, it started to pour.

I love the rains!! I started to put my hands out and catch the downpour, ended up just going out and twirling around, getting wet. I did not want to ride home in the rain and this was the way I spent the time waiting for it to subside. People around me must have thought “Crazy woman!!!” but I loved every minute of it. Lightning, thunder and a heavy downpour. Enjoyed it.

The downpour came down to a drizzle. It was getting late, A was waiting at home!! (yeah I remembered I had a kid to go home to ). I drive down, the roads are flooded. Traffic everywhere!!! To top it all, my bike stalled every other minute. Was wondering each time whether it would just die. My bike’s headlights did not function. Icing on the cake, my fuel gauge was edging towards “empty”. I rode on. The thrill of what might happen felt nice.

I know I have cribbed many a times of wanting to know what is in store. How is this different? Well, for starters, I knew what I had to do. It is not like life off late where I did not know what is in store, had (have) no plans and even if I did have plans they did not work!!

Reached home and hugged A (who asked me to change cos I had wet clothes on!! Wonder who the parent is!!!!! ). Felt like I loved life all of a sudden. Was it knowing I would be employed for the next few months? Was it just spending the evening and feeling free!!!??? Whatever it is, it felt good. It feels good to share this here!

To more such days!!

Caught!

For the past few days (more like few months! ), I feel like I am caught between two worlds of thinking – the conservative world & the not so conservative (can’t quite say modern)!  I guess I have been there all my life, and the realisation of this is dawning on me now.

My mum is an amazing woman – strong, pretty open-minded even though she was brought up in quite a conservative world and times. She did her masters despite lot of opposition from family & friends, thanks to my grandpa who supported her. She is grounded. She follows tradition, but is very practical. I must say that I am the way I am because of her -good  & bad

So having her as a mother, I guess I have the same attitude – being grounded in values with a practical outlook. I must say that  I am a little more “modern” in my thinking than her. This is not a comparison between the two of us. It is just penning down how I feel off late.

I chose the person I married. It was not something of norm at least in my family where arranged marriages are the way to go. My family supported me (some of them reluctantly) They are devastated now that it has failed with a kid in tow. We do not talk about any of these now, just waiting for the legalities to end I suppose. This is the family front.

To my personal battleground – my mind. I took the liberty of not following tradition, chose a guy. Now since it is a failure, going back to the whiteboard – I wonder if things would have been different had I accepted whomsoever my parents chose?!? At least I would have them to blame if it had failed Is it weird that I expected the marriage to last forever?! I did hang on for quite a while thinking things would turn around.

Then, when I decided it was over, I started thinking that life is not over for me. I accept A is an important part of my life, but not the only part. There are days when I am made to feel guilty about that!!!! I also find myself defending my thoughts. There are days on end when I feel that this is it -this is all there is to my life now. I am amazed at how people are ever so ready to accept P moving on, finding someone else; but want me to be only a mother and nothing but. I find everything contradictory now. My mind is in absolute turmoil. Conflicting thoughts, feelings rule my life now. I am happy with A, scared/nervous/worried about future, depressed/angry about the past. How can one person feel all this at the same time is what even I wonder? How can I deal with all this? I know…live in the present – that is easier said than done.

Count your blessings my mum says. Hmm….?!?!? Anyways, this is what I was/am  and probably will be (for a long time) ruminating on. Conclusion now: My life is an absolute mess with only me to blame and no solution to anything ahead. All I see is gloom for myself with periods of insane happiness with A till he decides to leave (Hope I don’t hang on to him too much!!! for his sake!!)

PS: I don’t know if this post is even remotely coherent…I just typed in whatever. I am not even going to try look at it to make it sensible. Guess this is how my life is now!!!

I need my space!!

I don’t know if you have come across people who just have this uncanny ability to be annoying. They are nice people but still have that quality about them. They just suffocate you and make you want to just escape, hide, run away?! You know that they are well meaning but still want to make you scream – “hey leave me alone, I need my space. “

In the name of being a “friend”, one has to stand the torture of questions like “where are you?” “what are you doing now?” “Why are you not responding?!” and the likes. How can one get the message across saying it is up to us to respond or not without actually hurting the other person? These characters seem to be easily offended, think that we are insulting them just by asserting our space! I have not got the hang of handling this. I also don’t know if I ever would. If any of you out there has the experience, suggestions/advice welcome!! I don’t want to be rude but I don’t want to get bugged like this either!

This also got me thinking, why are people who I want in life not there? When every incident makes you wonder – if that person were there. Have imaginary conversations wishing them to be real. You wish for that person to be present who knows just when to leave you alone and when to invade your space – just that right balance.

Life is unfair!! As I have said before, God (if you are there!! ) find another target. I am tired of being your punching bag. Now I really deserve a break with some rewards for all the fun you have had so far!!!

From Malaysia with love :)

Or must I say From Thailand with love?!

A couple of days back, I came home to find mail with my name on it! I knew that Sulz would be sending this over, yet when you see the actual package, it just brings a smile to your face, a flutter in your heart. Physical mail has become so much of a rarity off late. Even the bills are e-bills!!

So, Sulz – here goes!! A big big thank you!!! I am so glad that I did sign up for your project – A piece of Thailand.

I did feel guilty about making her spend on postage and the piece of Thailand. She assured me that it is alright! I hope it still is

First thing that struck me, what a beautiful handwriting!! Mum also said the same. A was too wired up to know what was inside the envelope with birds and my name on it. Opened it up to find a beautiful picture post card and a magnet. Will sure aim for the moon Thanks again Sulz!! You made our day. Once again – beautiful handwriting. The magnet now is added on to A’s collection which currently is one Tom & Jerry, one Superman sign. He claims it as his own!!

Third time – a charm?

Warning: Really long post!!!! yet feel it is so incomplete (ok…I am nuts!) I am amazed at people who could just pick and list just a few… read on with your ears wide open speakers on

Vishesh has been tagging me. The first one – I told him that I don’t have the imagination to do that one! The second – well, I had already done it….

So, perseverance pays…he tagged me for the third time here. This tag was started by Destination Infinity.

The Aim: Let the readers know your favourite songs in your regional language/ Hindi / English

There are way too many songs on that particular list of favourite songs!!! (This can end up to be one really long post!!! ) I do put in a lot of effort to do any tag right; but I think this one should take the cake. Being someone who loves to listen to any music except heavy metal – it was one helluva job to shortlist songs. I remember how my mum used to be irritated and used to ask me if the house was some “tea kadai” (tea shop – generally playing music all the time!)

I have written a few posts that carry some of the songs that I like hearing. Links given below…

Boney M, ABBA, MASH title song
Find Yourself by Brad Paisley
Song from Minsara Kanavu

• My mother tongue is telugu. Though I have not really seen many movies in the language, one song that strikes my memory is Mounamelanoyi from Sagara Sangamam

• From telugu movie Rudraveena, the song below

• The same movie came as Unnal Mudiyum Thambi in tamil - the song in tamil
• Another song in the same movie which has a humourous take with various Carnatic ragas at play on cooking

• One Malayalam song that I love is from the movie His Highness Abdullah – Pramada Vanam

• Mouna Raagam songs – classic
• Rhythm songs
• Nayagan : Nee Oru Kadhal
• Hey Ram:  Nee paartha Parvai
• Anbe Sivam: Poo Vasam
• Dalapathi : Sundari
• My all time favourite when I was in school : Anthi Mazhai
• Kandu Kondein : Kandu Konden , Kanamoochu ennada

• Karna: Malare mounama
• May Madham:  En Mel Vizhundha, Markazhi Poove

Judgements

Of  late, I have been wondering how one is so easily judgmental. It does not matter that all the facts are not known. From the limited knowledge, one just assumes and makes an opinion of another person. So much so, uses phrases like “I hate”.

I personally have always felt that “hate” is a very strong word. I don’t think I have ever hated anyone so far. Hope I never do. To every person, there are two sides. Condemning one because of what one hears is pretty extreme. I try see the goodness in most people. If I don’t know the person well enough, I just would hope that one has a reason for what one does. 

There are many who say “oh you must so hate P”. I want to say here that – no, I don’t hate him. I don’t love him but that does not mean I hate him. We had our differences. I thought we were sorting them out. For reasons known to him, he decided to call it quits despite having a kid. He, according to most of us, has made a bad choice. According to him, it is right. Only time can tell. Do I need to hate him? I don’t like the consequences of the choices he made on my life. I am left to pick up pieces that sometimes don’t even exist. 

The worst part of it all, is being judged. I am told I must not care. Repeatedly I say that it hits you hard at times. All these negative vibes. The ranting or the crying does not necessarily mean you don’t have a grip about the situation. It does not mean that you are weak or not so strong! 

Being told that there are people who are worse off than you does not make your pain go away. One could feel sorry for the other person it still does not make your troubles/worries disappear. I just feel it is mean to think “Oh I am better off than the other person whose troubles seem worse!” Each plays with the cards one is dealt with in his/her way. Advice welcome; whether it is suitable or not is for that person who is going through the situation to decide. Yelling or swearing or comparing does not help in any way. Percentages of who are worse off than you also brings forward who are better off than you – right? So, instead of feeling supposedly better, one  might feel worse too! 

It just boils down to how one gets so judgemental. Please do not unless you know every bit of the story from all angles. Do not decide to hate a person from what one hears. It is better not to have an opinion than to form the wrong ones. Am not going to say don’t hate , spread love. Though a little tolerance does go a long way. After all we are all here for this lifetime. Why not make it pleasant for all those around us? 

On the personal front, despite my rants; I am trying my damnedest to get somewhere. I still believe in love. I hope to write about more happy and positive happenings that I & A experience.

Remarriage!

Reema had written this post on the issue of remarriage of widows, widowers, the attitude of  Indian society toward both. I agree to every single thing that she has written.

This post though stems from a different situation – an extension to what she has penned in already. From what I have heard and faced over the recent past; I should say that the attitude extends to divorced men & women too. In this day of rising divorces & broken marriages, I don’t know how many go through all this!

It is so easy for people to accept a man take on another wife while it is blasphemy if a woman thinks of the same. There are some who say, if it happens it is alright but don’t go looking for a relationship. A relationship went south once…so take care or live for your kid, get a career. Suggestions to forget one’s needs or replace them (one supposedly would be too busy to notice and when you do, you would be too old and it would be too late. Worry about it now – then the response Why are you thinking of something so far away?!? ).  A woman is not strong enough if she looks for a partner – get a grip! is what one hears. You will be fine! Though it is absolutely acceptable that the man “moves on”, dates, finds a partner proactively!!

I am just reminded of Revathi’s Marupadiyum (Shabana Azmi’s Arth in Hindi) where the woman chooses to be single. The dialogue sticks out in my head now : the heroine says the woman has grown up being a daughter of some man taking that name, then she takes on her husband’s name, then the mother of her kids.

So, when ever will the woman live for herself and not be penalised for it? Let a single woman be; if she wants it that way, let a woman not take her husband’s name; if she wants that….and if a divorcee (well in India you are that…not single again!) wants to live alone – so be it or if she looks for a relationship…why not?

Personal choices have no place! Being judged by society, being stamped as whatever – will these ever stop?There are times when I think single women (widows & divorcees) make that choice because of the attitudes she may have to face finally. It gets to you – the society….even if you don’t want to care, at some point it does overwhelm you to resign yourself to fate!

If this is the plight of women in a city where most of the population is educated. I don’t even want to think of those in villages where “tradition” has its place! Poor women stuck in marriages where abuse is the norm (physical, emotional, sexual….)

I doubt if these prejudices would ever end! At least I don’t think they will in my lifetime. I don’t even think I am being negative here. I feel that I am being practical – cynical yes, but pragmatic! Here is to hoping I am wrong!

Next time, some one wants to say “get a grip!” , “stay strong” – Stop!! The woman probably is doing it already!!

Self-love day

A friend of mine had this as his status message

Love yourself before you love anyone else…Happy Valentine’s day!

Coincidentally as I was bloghopping, from Teeni‘s I hopped on to Java Queen’s to this post about Self-love day. While you are it, please do wish Java Queen a very happy birthday. Thanks Teeni for letting us know here

So, here goes    

HAPPY SELF-LOVE DAY!! Feb. 13th & 14th, 2009 Here’s how the whole thing works:

1.) You’re gonna grab yourself a banner.

2.) You’re gonna post that banner and then tell us all something that you really like love about yourself (thus, the “self-love” portion of our program).

3.) Ask or beg your readers to post one thing that they too love about you!!! If your blog friends are nice, you shouldn’t have to beg…much.

4.) Enjoy yourself and spread the love by doing this on your blog! If you want to, drop me a line or a trackback so that I know you participated too!

 

What do I love about myself? I love my honesty, my faith in love and that I can laugh even when things are pulling me down 

So now what do you love about me?  

What do you love about yourself?

Balance Sheet – 2008

Taking the cue from Sulz here; I took this up about almost a week after New year’s day. A balance sheet of sorts of the past year.

What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?
Met a whole bunch of strangers and became friends with them

Did you keep your New Year resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Did not make any and no have not made any

Did anyone close to you give birth?
My close friends from school. Seems like a season for girl babies – both had girls.

Did anyone close to you die?
Thankfully  – No.

What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?
Job, love, happiness, peace of mind… long list eh?

What countries did you visit?
None

What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why:
June 10 for the most memorable conversations I have had in my life.
June 25. Well, not ready to say why yet here!

What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Staying alive?  managing to smile?

What was your biggest failure?
Last year? not finishing what was started…but I don’t know if it was entirely my failure

Did you suffer illness or injury?
No. Does depression count as illness?

What was the best thing you bought?
My “bike”

Whose behavior merited celebration?
All my friends who have stood by me and my moods. A for being an exceptional kid! (Guess all mothers would say that about their kids?!)

Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Quite a few.

Where did most of your money go?
A’s school

What did you get really, really, really excited about?
June 25 and the promises offered!

What song will always remind you of 2008?
Hmm…
The world to change  by John Mayer (well, at least my tiny world…this song is more for the title I suppose )

or
Nobody’s perfect by Miley Cyrus

Compared to this time last year, you are:
Living with no expectations or hope.

What do you wish you’d done more of?
Lots of  things on that list!

What do you wish you’d done less of?
Impulsive actions &  whining

How will you be spending New Year’s Eve?
Spent it on the train coming back to Chennai

How would you sum up your 2008 in one word?
Horrible

Did you fall in love in 2008?
Yes.

How many one-night stands?
No way!

What was your favorite TV program?
House MD

Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Hate is a strong word. No….no one.

What was the best book you read?
Unfortunately did not read much last year…mostly fiction if I did. All were to pass time, so don’t really want to rate them!

What was your greatest musical discovery?
Nothing significant.

What did you want and get?
Want & get ?  hmmm….

What was your favorite film of this year?
Watched quite a few – liked all.

What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you (optional)?
Nothing much on my birthday. Turned 32

What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Tied up all the loose ends?

What kept you sane?
My son A

Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Nope – never fancied celebrity/public figures!

What political issue stirred you the most?
Terrorism in India.

Whom did you miss?
Still do….hoping to get a word! and probably will not

Who was the best new person you met?
All my blog friends

Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:
Do not trust or believe people as easily.

Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
Again have to think about this one…
Maybe Find yourself by Brad Paisley!?

I guess a lot of things did happen and yet did not last year!

A destination I seek

I  don’t know where my life is headed. I watched the movie Jab we met to change my mood. Guess what? It did not change it much. I felt horrible watching a sappy love story. More so what hit me was how many times I wanted to live a life with gay abandon. Take off somewhere, no destination in mind. Lead life as it comes.

Doing it now…just that it is not as gay as I wanted it to be. I am plagued with doubts for myself and my son. I do not want this. I want to know where I am going. I don’t want to feel like I am right now. I am tired of the surprises (shocks rather) that life has been throwing at me. I really cannot stand it any longer.

I hate myself now more than ever. Activities I used to enjoy now just make me feel worse. I want to quit; funny thing is, I do not know what I am quitting even if I do. I guess I want to quit existing. I do not want immense happiness but I do not want to feel the way I have been. I used to cry a lot – to the extent there were friends saying don’t cry in front of A. I used to get irritated and say let him know the pain I am going through. Now I try to restrain those tears. Off late, I just softly cry myself to sleep. I don’t even understand why I am crying!?! I did not feel like celebrating deepavali but also did not want to make it bad for A; so made the mandatory things for him. Saw the joy & excitement in his eyes. Morbid thought – I was like, damn this happiness for him is short lived. He will be facing so much trouble.

I really don’t want to wait any more. Wait for what? I don’t know. What can I do? I am tired of the mails I send to P to finish what he started. He is “busy” it seems. I am tired of waiting for at least a call for an interview so that I can crib about how I failed in it I am waiting to have a place to call home, to live there with loved ones. I guess the last one is something that probably will never happen. I just don’t want to wait!