How many of us have been told …hey look and learn from that person? How much has he/she scored in some test or look at how well she/he does things? Keeping up with the Joneses has been a concept everywhere. Some time or other, we certainly have been told to be better. Look at people who are better to strive to be that way. We have been tuned to want better stuff in life. Appraisal time at work, ratings amongst peer group – obviously we all want to be above peer group. Everywhere we have to do more than we did or someone else did.
Now where is the conflict?
I am talking only about how the situation is with me. I do wonder if it is the same with others out there. When I feel down & think of my life – am told hey look, there is this person who is struggling to just get a meal a day. There is that person desperate to have a child. Count your blessings. You have a job, a kid, a roof above your head, etc etc….
So, when at that time I snap and say why must I not want more. Why must I not want a proper family (as in a dad for my child)? A house I own? or a job where I learn, improve & earn? I am told I am insensitive.
My question is when do have to stop wanting to be better? When should one stop trying and disregard the try, try till you succeed saying?
Even all those proverbs are conflicting…one can use whatever depending on which side they want to speak on
Knowledge is power vs. Ignorance is bliss
Absence makes the heart grow fonder vs. Out of sight, out of mind
Nothing ventured, nothing gained vs. Better safe than sorry….
The list goes on.
Do I keep thinking that life will get better? Or do I just say, fine I am blessed to be alive & accept the way things are?
Guess the cliché ”time will tell” is what I will be told. I guess it will be way too late & my life will be over when time does tell….I do think that my life is already over when I hear of how I must be just satisfied with what I am blessed with!! Wonder if I ever will be wise/mature enough to understand when I must want to strive to be better & when I must sit back/ relax?!
Well, it has been so long since I even logged into WordPress!! Was taken aback by all the interface changes!! That is how long!!!
It was nice to see an award when I did log in!!! Been 5 years since I registered it seems!! Wow!! Just a few days back I thought time flies – A turned 8. I think it again today – Didn’t realise it has been 5 years since I registered here!!
Life has not changed much but it has too!! I start afresh yet again in a way tomorrow. Nervous about this yet tired of new beginnings. I just wish I had no more… I am at a weird place now. I want change but I don’t want it either. I feel lonely yet think am too set in my own ways that I can’t think of adapting to being with someone either….
A has been the one strength. I have poured out my anger & frustration to him yet he still manages to give me such a welcoming smile when he sees me. Never ceases to please me. Ever ready to give me a hug. As much as I have resented being the only one responsible for him, I love him to bits.
I truly wish my life was less complicated. Wish I could just enjoy the simple things in life. Days I want to see how A has grown up & what he will become. Days I just don’t want to wake up at all.
I have made some new friends yet, have started to think they are not going to be around either. It is not them…I think it is me! As a friend told me, I am not ready to trust anyone any more. Been left stranded way too many times.
Times I just don’t know what I want. One thing though…no more getting hurt & being used.If it means I don’t trust people or be called rude – so be it. I am tired of feeling lost, sad & many times breaking down into tears, feeling defeated. I may not laugh or smile but I do not want to feel crushed.
I do not think time heals! I don’t even think it makes me feel numb over time…may be it is just me!??!
I think one of my mum’s favourite quotes is
Ours not to reason why, ours but to do and die. -Alfred Lord Tennyson
Off late, this question bugs me! Why? Why are you doing this? Why don’t you think this over? I have been snapping at those who throw this question at me for whatever reason from something as trivial as why did you change your hairstyle to why did you take this life altering decision? I can understand someone who is concerned asking such questions…but the same thing from those who we say just hello & bye to?!? Ridiculous! What bothers them? How does anything affect them? Nowadays I don’t want to answer that question even if it may remotely affect the person asking it!! Like my parents!
In the down period from the blog, I am now officially single (rather divorced in Indian terms..). Got my divorce decree. I am waiting to join a new job next week. Nervous & excited. Yes, trivial things like I have changed my iPhone & car too.I have reactivated my facebook since I left my previous job (to come out of hermithood like my friend Laksh said ) I have had to listen to the question “why” for all of those!! Seriously…I have asked the same question why for my divorce and never got any answers! Me aking that question I think is valid….and I ask it to myself or bug my close friends while trying to figure things out…
Anyways… lots of changes in the last few months. I certainly would like to thank those who drove me nuts who in turn I drove crazy! (think it is more me driving them crazy than the other way round!) Been through up & down emotions through this…so thanks to those patient wonderful friends of mine. May you remain as patient through our lives….just so you have to manage me!!
I certainly don’t know what is in store. I don’t know what I will do or why I will do whatever… but as a colleague (rather ex-colleague) said…life moves on. Hope I get some of the patience that my friends have in enduring me so I can handle things better BTW, A seems to have immense patience!! Thank whoever!! (Don’t really believe in God or evil – this again is a statement by a very dear friend of mine about me! )
Well… I guess I will just do & die, not to be questioned/question why!
I’ve off late been wondering how weird it is that people with most access to technology and the best means of communication are the most incommunicado. Or is it just those who are in my life who are like that?
These highly tech savvy people seem to have internet access 24/7, a phone with a good network in their hands (phones like the iphone or blackberry), signed up in all kinds of networks from Google+ to facebook to Twitter to whatever else there is…. So in theory, they must be accessible all the time and respond to a call by some means. Sadly, this is not the case.
I feel like I was more in touch with people back in the days when we did not have mobile phones, and internet was at snail’s pace and not omnipresent. Is it me? Probably it is!!
Read this somewhere
The Silent Killer of relationships is the lack of communication…. communicate before misunderstanding separates you, with hurt, pain, n thoughts
How many of us bother to just say hello?! or even smile at someone we know when we pass by them on the corridor at work?! When all it takes is even a virtual poke or a text message, there seems to be hardly any effort to keep in touch. If someone calls out of the blue, the thought that crosses one’s mind is …ok so what does that person want?! Get to the point already!!!
As I said earlier, may be it is just me and my cynical-self! I used to make an effort to drop that occasional email just to say hi and enquire about welfare. Now I just feel it is futile. I used to send in updated pics of A to people….now I don’t bother! In fact there are times I feel like it is not worth the time or effort to do any of this.
I had quite an accident last week. Called this friend who I have known for ages now. Recounted this…and in the midst of handling this, hung up after asking a query about where I can get the car repaired. Had I been in this person’s place or had it been a few years back, I would have received a call say half an hour or hour later enquiring if things were alright. Guess what? The person pings me when I log on to a chat module much later in the night….and asks “so did you get the car to the repair shop?!” I lost it and responded saying that the question was way too early to be answered…and this friend just disappeared! I guess I must just be thankful that this friend even bothered to ask me later on at night?!?!
Just feel like I am turning more cynical, more bitter & less hopeful by the day. Makes me wonder if it is just me or people are just not what they used to be?! Feel like there is more distance now that the world is virtually a much smaller place…at least in my case!
Yeah this is the third consecutive post on technology!! Of course just my random thoughts on whatever!!
Listening to the radio while driving, one can’t avoid listening to the ads too. One goes with the voiceover of a child narrating to her dad that she did not have teachers for 3 periods in class. The dad is bewildered and the child replies they used a particular brand of computing services. Indications of how teachers were not required in classrooms and computing solutions are enough for the kids to learn!!!!! The kid asks whether they can get the same system at home to which the dad responds he would get it if the kid did well at school!
I am not suggesting that we go back to good old days wherein we used no technology. I understand most schools now use smart boards (A’s schools so far have!) but even the mere thought of doing away of teachers??!! I know it is an ad but it just hit a nerve! We are becoming so mechanical, technology dependent that sometimes I guess we forget about relationships, people. We start taking that for granted. Yes, I have got friends thanks to this medium but would I be friends with a bot?! No way! So why would I subject my kid to a no teacher classroom or why would anyone think of doing that?
I guess I have rambled enough. Point is, I think I like my no technology downtimes these days & appreciate what life has to offer! I am learning not to be glued to this machine, not thinking of doing away with it; but just trying to hit the balance! I hope that A does grow in a society where technology is embraced without giving up basic human interactions.
I just read a post on iPads & pre-schoolers. I have not yielded to get an iPad or Kindle – 1. I love good old fashioned books rather than e-books & 2. economic reasons too though am sure A would love to lay his hands on an iPad!!
I opened WordPress to write a post on technology & well stumbled on the iPads post which made me jump on to that. So before I digress…here goes what originally brought me to post. I went shopping at a shop abroad recently. I told my friend I didn’t need to take cash from him as I had my credit cards. Thank God for plastic!! I chose what I wanted, go to the counter and guess what? The cards I had could not be used! The shop required me to have cards with chips on them. I had none of those! I had plastic that could be used internationally but none with chips! I was stuck asking my friend to swipe for my purchases. I was struck by technology…was told that most shops there used only the chip & pin. Totally understand that- forgery & hence credit-card misuse can be reduced.
Made me wonder why so much of the technology takes time entering India?! Passports that can be swiped to retrieve info at check-in or like my recent shopping experience…cards with chips?! Even cash back on debit cards at shops are not viable ( a minimum limit needs to be spent to use a charge card). We need to take cash out only at ATMs. New model mobiles or computers come later to the country. No wonder people still are enamoured by the thought of being abroad, stuff that is imported. We often do hear how locally available products even international brands are not the same as the ones we get abroad – starting from cleaning products to hi-tech stuff. Why is it so? A country where electronic voting machines are taken to even the remotest villages…supposedly a country that embraces technology despite illiteracy, poverty etc.. why must we wait for quality technology? Perhaps this is a way to reduce scams?
Whatever it is…it prompted me to pen this down. Frustrated that we are behind, frustrated that I had to ask my friend to help out (hate asking monetary help from friends). Well…for a person who does not like to shop much…it didn’t help at all is what I can say
I was composing a mail on GMail. Yeah had “is attached” in the message. On clicking the send button…got this pop up!! I did send the mail but got me thinking… Hey are my mails being censored in some way?! Analysed, read?! This certainly piqued the paranoia in me!!
What would go through your minds if you got such a message? Just curious!?
A & I were driving down, passing by a church. Traffic was heavy. A read out the board of the church. I told him that is where a friend of ours goes. Something made me add that the friend was a Christian followed by the question, “what are you?”. Obviously I expected the answer, “Amma I am Hindu” but the answer that came threw me off. It made me start thinking of what we input into children. He answered “I am Indian.” Yes, logistically a wrong answer, him being American by citizenship…still growing up here, he is more Indian than many I know really!
Back to what I was posting about. I, as a kid, did not know about the caste system until I actually had to put it on some form in school. I went asking my mother who had to explain about this. This was when I was in middle school.
Aspects that have now become a divisive factor, a point on which vote banks are on – religion, caste are something children are not aware of. Are we thrusting it on them? Is it necessary!? Would it make a world of difference if we did not have these in life? Yes, lets say that there is God – but why should that make us a Christian, a Hindu, a Muslim or Jain or whatever else there is?!?!
I did not tell A that he was Hindu. I am sure he will know when his “identity” …just wondering if such divisiveness is required. Won’t we all be more at peace without these categories?!?
It is just a stupid thought that came to my idle mind! As a parent though, it was a moment!!
We face many a situations where one has to decide. I fall back many a times on the fact that being Libra makes me indecisive Starting from something like choosing which route to take, what to choose out of a menu to eat, to life changing decisions… I take my own sweet time! I also do sometimes rely upon others to help me take the decision. Too many times have I been told – No, you decide what you want. (I don’t hold the other person responsible for anything that goes wrong… just to make things clear )
When it becomes of the case of Hobson’s choice, don’t we keep wondering – what if we had chosen the other? I have been told and I do believe too that
No matter what you do, someone is going to think it was the wrong decision. The important thing is where your conscience stands on the issue.
Then why does my stupid brain go on overdrive? I totally admire people who make their decisions with ease (and élan or at least seem to.. ) and more so those who do not have any regrets whatsoever.
I say I don’t like people talking in riddles. I know that this post would probably seem just that way (even ridiculous to some?!). Just that I am at kind of a crossroads weighing in a decision I took almost a year back. I don’t regret the decision, but I don’t also know what it means going forward. I now face the point where I wonder if I have to speak my heart out or just not. Questions alot in my mind. Do I? What if I do? Will things be different? Do I just let it go as it is right now? The worst part is I do know what is up ahead in a way. So, will my decision make any difference? Not really is what I come up with. I feel whatever it is, I would have at least been truthful to a person I care about a lot (and to myself of course). Yet, I wonder what is holding me back!
There are days on end when I wish I could turn back time, tweak a few things here and there. Well, I can’t. No one can (if any one can…please let me know. Need to make a few requests ) Looking forward, hoping everything turns out alright and no one gets hurt. Human emotions & relationships are weird to say the least!!! I can’t please all as much as I strive to. All I can be is true to myself and those I care about (more importantly those who care about me! … now shouldn’t those two actually be the same set of people?!?). We have one life to live, and I want to live my life to the fullest extent possible. I wish have no (or minimal) regrets and when I leave this life; I hope that if at all I am remembered by anyone it is with fondness.
I better stop now before I go on every tangent possible. My ruminations are random indeed!
A friend of mine suggested the Gibberish & let-go technique by Osho to help me relieve my stress. Read more about it here.
I found it so tough! To talk gibberish, to say anything that does not really make any sense. I know there are times when some of my friends think that I make no sense even when I am talking something that is recognisable Just as I sat here contemplating how I can overcome this and really give this a try (anything to feel relaxed!!! ), little A (well supposedly not so little now it seems! ) sat next to me. He was in one of those chatty moods. I was sitting here reading up on stuff…guess what the little fella did?! He just started talking…. gibberish. None of the words made any sense, just sounds coming out! After a while, he picks a book and starts reading that.
I wonder if it is just part of growing up, wherein we lose our innocence? We lose our ability to utter nothing but gibberish even if it is for a few minutes. What am I afraid of? Am I afraid of sounding stupid to myself?! Am I afraid of anything at all even?! Is it my being a skeptic thinking of whether just gibberish would take away the craziness stored in my mind!?
Just a few more questions added which have to be flushed out soon! May I master this technique at least! Something to make things work s’il vous plait!!!