Why?

I think one of my mum’s favourite quotes is

Ours not to reason why, ours but to do and die. -Alfred Lord Tennyson

Off late, this question bugs me! Why? Why are you doing this? Why don’t you think this over? I have been snapping at those who throw this question at me for whatever reason from something as trivial as why did you change your hairstyle to why did you take this life altering decision? I can understand someone who is concerned asking such questions…but the same thing from those who we say just hello & bye to?!? Ridiculous! What bothers them? How does anything affect them? Nowadays I don’t want to answer that question even if it may remotely affect the person asking it!! Like my parents!

In the down period from the blog, I am now officially single (rather divorced in Indian terms..). Got my divorce decree. I am waiting to join a new job next week. Nervous & excited. Yes, trivial things like I have changed my iPhone & car too.I have reactivated my facebook since I left my previous job (to come out of hermithood like my friend Laksh said ) I have had to listen to the question “why” for all of those!! Seriously…I have asked the same question why for my divorce and never got any answers! Me aking that question I think is valid….and I ask it to myself or bug my close friends while trying to figure things out…

Anyways… lots of changes in the last few months. I certainly would like to thank those who drove me nuts who in turn I drove crazy! (think it is more me driving them crazy than the other way round!) Been through up & down emotions through this…so thanks to those patient wonderful friends of mine. May you remain as patient through our lives….just so you have to manage me!!

I certainly don’t know what is in store. I don’t know what I will do or why I will do whatever… but as a colleague (rather ex-colleague) said…life moves on. Hope I get some of the patience that my friends have in enduring me so I can handle things better BTW, A seems to have immense patience!! Thank whoever!! (Don’t really believe in God or evil – this again is a statement by a very dear friend of mine about me! )

Well… I guess I will just do & die, not to be questioned/question why!

 

Isn’t it weird?

I’ve off late been wondering how weird it is that people with most access to technology and the best means of communication are the most incommunicado. Or is it just those who are in my life who are like that?
These highly tech savvy people seem to have internet access 24/7, a phone with a good network in their hands (phones like the iphone or blackberry), signed up in all kinds of networks from Google+ to facebook to Twitter to whatever else there is…. So in theory, they must be accessible all the time and respond to a call by some means. Sadly, this is not the case.

I feel like I was more in touch with people back in the days when we did not have mobile phones, and internet was at snail’s pace and not omnipresent. Is it me? Probably it is!!

Read this somewhere

The Silent Killer of relationships is the lack of communication…. communicate before misunderstanding separates you, with hurt, pain, n thoughts

How many of us bother to just say hello?! or even smile at someone we know when we pass by them on the corridor at work?! When all it takes is even a virtual poke or a text message, there seems to be hardly any effort to keep in touch. If someone calls out of the blue, the thought that crosses one’s mind is …ok so what does that person want?! Get to the point already!!!

As I said earlier, may be it is just me and my cynical-self! I used to make an effort to drop that occasional email just to say hi and enquire about welfare. Now I just feel it is futile. I used to send in updated pics of A to people….now I don’t bother! In fact there are times I feel like it is not worth the time or effort to do any of this.

I had quite an accident last week. Called this friend who I have known for ages now. Recounted this…and in the midst of handling this, hung up after asking a query about where I can get the car repaired. Had I been in this person’s place or had it been a few years back, I would have received a call say half an hour or hour later enquiring if things were alright. Guess what? The person pings me when I log on to a chat module much later in the night….and asks “so did you get the car to the repair shop?!” I lost it and responded saying that the question was way too early to be answered…and this friend just disappeared! I guess I must just be thankful that this friend even bothered to ask me later on at night?!?!

Just feel like I am turning more cynical, more bitter & less hopeful by the day. Makes me wonder if it is just me or people are just not what they used to be?! Feel like there is more distance now that the world is virtually a much smaller place…at least in my case!

 

Third consecutive post?!!…

Yeah this is the third consecutive post on technology!! Of course just my random thoughts on whatever!!

Listening to the radio while driving, one can’t avoid listening to the ads too. One goes with the voiceover of a child narrating to her dad that she did not have teachers for 3 periods in class. The dad is bewildered and the child replies they used a particular brand of computing services. Indications of how teachers were not required in classrooms and computing solutions are enough for the kids to learn!!!!! The kid asks whether they can get the same system at home to which the dad responds he would get it if the kid did well at school!

I am not suggesting that we go back to good old days wherein we used no technology. I understand most schools now use smart boards (A’s schools so far have!) but even the mere thought of doing away of teachers??!! I know it is an ad but it just hit a nerve! We are becoming so mechanical, technology dependent that sometimes I guess we forget about relationships, people. We start taking that for granted. Yes, I have got friends thanks to this medium but would I be friends with a bot?! No way! So why would I subject my kid to a no teacher classroom or why would anyone think of doing that?

I guess I have rambled enough. Point is, I think I like my no technology downtimes these days & appreciate what life has to offer! I am learning not to be glued to this machine, not thinking of doing away with it; but just trying to hit the balance! I hope that A does grow in a society where technology is embraced without giving up basic human interactions.

 

technology & me…

I just read a post on iPads & pre-schoolers. I have not yielded to get an iPad or Kindle – 1. I love good old fashioned books rather than e-books & 2. economic reasons too though am sure A would love to lay his hands on an iPad!!

I opened WordPress to write a post on technology & well stumbled on the iPads post which made me jump on to that. So before I digress…here goes what originally brought me to post. I went shopping at a shop abroad recently. I told my friend I didn’t need to take cash from him as I had my credit cards. Thank God for plastic!! I chose what I wanted, go to the counter and guess what? The cards I had could not be used! The shop required me to have cards with chips on them. I had none of those! I had plastic that could be used internationally but none with chips! I was stuck asking my friend to swipe for my purchases. I was struck by technology…was told that most shops there used only the chip & pin. Totally understand that- forgery & hence credit-card misuse can be reduced.

Made me wonder why so much of the technology takes time entering India?! Passports that can be swiped to retrieve info at check-in or like my recent shopping experience…cards with chips?! Even cash back on debit cards at shops are not viable ( a minimum limit needs to be spent to use a charge card). We need to take cash out only at ATMs. New model mobiles or computers come later to the country. No wonder people still are enamoured by the thought of being abroad, stuff that is imported. We often do hear how locally available products even international brands are not the same as the ones we get abroad – starting from cleaning products to hi-tech stuff. Why is it so? A country where electronic voting machines are taken to even the remotest villages…supposedly a country that embraces technology despite illiteracy, poverty etc.. why must we wait for quality technology? Perhaps this is a way to reduce scams?

Whatever it is…it prompted me to pen this down. Frustrated that we are behind, frustrated that I had to ask my friend to help out (hate asking monetary help from friends). Well…for a person who does not like to shop much…it didn’t help at all is what I can say

 

Should I be worried?

I was composing a mail on GMail. Yeah had “is attached” in the message. On clicking the send button…got this pop up!! I did send the mail but got me thinking… Hey are my mails being censored in some way?! Analysed, read?! This certainly piqued the paranoia in me!!

What would go through your minds if you got such a message? Just curious!?

 

 

What we input into children!?

A & I were driving down, passing by a church. Traffic was heavy. A read out the board of the church. I told him that is where a friend of ours goes. Something made me add that the friend was a Christian followed by the question, “what are you?”. Obviously I expected the answer, “Amma I am Hindu” but the answer that came threw me off. It made me start thinking of what we input into children. He answered “I am Indian.” Yes, logistically a wrong answer, him being American by citizenship…still growing up here, he is more Indian than many I know really!

Back to what I was posting about. I, as a kid, did not know about the caste system until I actually had to put it on some form in school. I went asking my mother who had to explain about this. This was when I was in middle school.

Aspects that have now become a divisive factor, a point on which vote banks are on – religion, caste are something children are not aware of. Are we thrusting it on them? Is it necessary!? Would it make a world of difference if we did not have these in life? Yes, lets say that there is God – but why should that make us a Christian, a Hindu, a Muslim or Jain or whatever else there is?!?!

I did not tell A that he was Hindu. I am sure he will know when his “identity” …just wondering if such divisiveness is required. Won’t we all be more at peace without these categories?!?

It is just a stupid thought that came to my idle mind!  As a parent though, it was a moment!!

 

Decisions

We face many a situations where one has to decide. I fall back many a times on the fact that being Libra makes me indecisive Starting from something like choosing which route to take, what to choose out of a menu to eat, to life changing decisions… I take my own sweet time! I also do sometimes rely upon others to help me take the decision. Too many times have I been told – No, you decide what you want. (I don’t hold the other person responsible for anything that goes wrong… just to make things clear )

When it becomes of the case of Hobson’s choice, don’t we keep wondering – what if we had chosen the other? I have been told and I do believe too that

No matter what you do, someone is going to think it was the wrong decision. The important thing is where your conscience stands on the issue.

Then why does my stupid brain go on overdrive? I totally admire people who make their decisions with ease (and élan or at least seem to.. ) and more so those who do not have any regrets whatsoever.

I say I don’t like people talking in riddles. I know that this post would probably seem just that way (even ridiculous to some?!). Just that I am at kind of a crossroads weighing in a decision I took almost a year back. I don’t regret the decision, but I don’t also know what it means going forward. I now face the point where I wonder if I have to speak my heart out or just not. Questions alot in my mind. Do I? What if I do? Will things be different? Do I just let it go as it is right now?  The worst part is I do know what is up ahead in a way. So, will my decision make any difference? Not really is what I come up with. I feel whatever it is, I would have at least been truthful to a person I care about a lot (and to myself of course). Yet, I wonder what is holding me back!

There are days on end when I wish I could turn back time, tweak a few things here and there. Well, I can’t. No one can (if any one can…please let me know. Need to make a few requests ) Looking forward, hoping everything turns out alright and no one gets hurt. Human emotions & relationships are weird to say the least!!! I can’t please all as much as I strive to. All I can be is true to myself and those I care about (more importantly those who care about me! … now shouldn’t those two actually be the same set of people?!?). We have one life to live, and I want to live my life to the fullest extent possible. I wish have no (or minimal) regrets and when I leave this life; I hope that if at all I am remembered by anyone it is with fondness.

I better stop now before I go on every tangent possible. My ruminations are random indeed!

 

 

How tough!

A friend of mine suggested the Gibberish & let-go technique by Osho to help me relieve my stress. Read more about it here.

I found it so tough! To talk gibberish, to say anything that does not really make any sense. I know there are times when some of my friends think that I make no sense even when I am talking something that is recognisable Just as I sat here contemplating how I can overcome this and really give this a try (anything to feel relaxed!!! ), little A (well supposedly not so little now it seems! ) sat next to me. He was in one of those chatty moods. I was sitting here reading up on stuff…guess what the little fella did?!  He just started talking…. gibberish. None of the words made any sense, just sounds coming out! After a while, he picks a book and starts reading that.

I wonder if it is just part of  growing up, wherein we lose our innocence? We lose our ability to utter nothing but gibberish even if it is for a few minutes. What am I afraid of? Am I afraid of sounding stupid to myself?!  Am I afraid of anything at all even?! Is it my being a skeptic thinking of whether just gibberish would take away the craziness stored in my mind!?

Just a few more questions added which have to be flushed out soon! May I master this technique at least! Something to make things work s’il vous plait!!!

 

Contemplating…

As usual, I am just contemplating life, God, philosophies….

Saw this as

“Q: Why should we believe in God?
A: Because there are still some questions which cannot be answered by Google.”

Sulz‘ status message on facebook. Yes, I clicked on “like”

Though, I wonder when will God answer the questions. Would these remain questions forever?! Going back to what I wrote quite a while ago… God! Give me patience, but hurry!!

I wish I could share what is going on in this place called my brain. Alas I cannot really do that now and here! Though nothing much has changed. Nothing is clear. Still wondering when I can see through the haze and know what is ahead.

The past fortnight has been quite a journey. Have had my ups and downs. The ups were not so high, the downs were pretty bad. Had a breakdown one of the days and had to resort to leaning on a friend’s shoulder. Thanks N! He was amazing and had me smiling and laughing at the end of the conversation. All this when he must have been tired after a long day at work and an early start the next day. Things I put my friends through!! Sorry guys and a big thank you!

I also learnt a big lesson. Do not trust everyone who claims to be a friend. (I know some of you there going…duh!! but I have major issues with trust. I trust anyone who says she/he is a friend and shows he/she cares!  Dumb me! )  They just get everything out of you and trample over you. As my son’s father used to say…I have been spoilt by the great friends I have! The one off case where the person is out to take advantage of you comes as a shock, worse when that person also mars your path! I mean go on ahead take whatever but do not put the other person down! I guess there are people of all kinds! Such people just makes me realise how precious the real friends I have made over these years are. I just wish the bad ones do not use “friendship” and give that a bad name!! I suppose a lesson my friend P says is finally seeping through…” hey Apar remember everybody has an agenda. Figure that out. Don’t get hurt like this. Most are like this, few are otherwise. The few would stay, the others will just get their work done!” It is so hard though to find people with agenda or what it is Lots and lots of learning ahead I suppose.

When will I get enlightenment?! Need it badly to go through now looking ahead at a life with all the responsibilities of a single mother. (I find people ever so ready to point the finger at me for every teensy weeny mistake and say I am a bad mother) and increasingly lonely days. I am trying not to infringe on my friends’ time so that they remain my friends . I don’t know anything any more not that I knew earlier. Just a little more confused now.

I have not been blogging too often because I don’t want to keep penning down all this. I don’t even know if this makes sense to anyone who reads this. Just some rants of a confused, lonely and beaten down person (this is not self-pity or anything…just a matter of fact). I hope to survive this and more that I will be facing. Now God…with the patience, just give me some strength to find happiness in the little things I have and that diminishes the lemons thrown in! I am thankful for what I have. I know I am luckier than many others in the world but I must say enough is enough. I can’t stand it any more. I have not been the lucky one (I have never had luck even in a lucky draw in FIFA – shows when you pick Barry as the player in a draw with ENG playing GER! or Slovakia as the team in another draw! Was told even if the team comes last I get something…and the team goes into the KO stages!!! LOL! ) I don’t want the riches of the world. I just want to go on without being pulled down or betrayed. C’est tout!

 

Anybody there! ?!

Looks like I am posting once a month now! Or at least it has been close to a month since my last post!

What have I been up to? Going through some really bad moments – learnt that I mistrusted a person who I thought to be a great friend (15 years of friendship down the drain – making me wonder who my real friends are now! ), distance between me & another friend has grown due to a stupid misunderstanding because of my mood swing, visit by a trio of old people I never wanted to meet as a result of a “friend’s” actions. The last on the list was a bit too much for me & A.

I know that all this sounds really cryptic but over the last month I have learnt that I have been way too open only to be hurt by people I trusted. It is not easy for me to be this closed… am glad I have a few I still trust & open up to. Don’t know how long they will be there (showing how cynical I am getting I suppose) Result of a few who say they would call back & have not, I have pinged and in fact even asked them to call when free cos I wanted to talk – still waiting! I know people are busy, have lives etc…, but I also know that no one is that busy that they cannot even return a call or message for days on end. I get the message. Learning that being a hi-how do you do?-bye friend is all many are! I sometimes wish I could be like that!!! I am not! I have always valued friendship and would do anything for a good friend. I don’t want to become the cynic that I am turning into.

I don’t know how many readers I have left! I have been really bad at commenting on the blogs I visit (avoiding it because of the way I am right now) I hardly even ping anyone online nor tweet – so much so I doubt if I qualify to be part of the tweeples out there or a blogger or whatever!!

Now I only wish that I don’t lose the few I have in my life right now or that I have the strength to face the time when they won’t be around. Life is weird – especially mine – I always end up getting the one thing I never ever wanted – loneliness!

There are three things in life that shouldn’t be broken… hearts, promises & friendships

Found that in the status shuffle on Facebook. Guess what? All 3 have been broken…one too many times!!!