This post has been been coming for quite a while now. I had been debating whether to key it in or not. Some events in life just push you enough to do just that.

The saying goes,

To err is human, forgive divine

This never had much significance until recent events. You know when sometimes you have no choice but to tender an apology. You know that you had done nothing wrong, nothing for you to actually be sorry about; but you have to. I had been put into that situation just recently. A very good friend said just do it & let it be. I, after quite a bit of debating in my mind, followed his advice and did just that, apologised. What shocked me was that the persons who received the apology also very well know that it was not necessary, yet… acted like they were royalty of some kind and brushed it off. The snobbish attitude just hit hard.

It was then that the saying hit me. Yes, it definitely takes character to accept an apology. The apology in itself is hard to tender. The receiver must have the heart & mind to accept it. I realised that there is more humility involved in being the receiver and acting right than in saying sorry. The way one reacts to an apology does make a world of difference to how the relationship goes forward or just stagnates & dies; to how one would perceive you as a person. The magnanimity will earn respect; and acting otherwise would probably erase the little you would have for the person. Every action has a reaction?! Questions of integrity will probably fill a whole different post.

Though in retrospect I wonder if my thought that I did not want to actually apologise carried through. I thought I did the right thing as the situation demanded and was sincere. Somehow, even if the apology was namesake, the reaction could have been equally namesake instead of what I actually got. Am I even making sense?! I don’t know but just felt that many of us need to really learn to accept when someone says sorry!

Just penned down some thoughts I had and the opinions thereafter. I don’t know if it is the norm; but felt like it sounds common sensical Apologies if I hurt anyone (and I mean it )

The day started off really well, just the kind of weather I like . I got to know that I would be having a job for the next 9 months. That was great news!! I went over to spend some time with colleagues prepping for a halloween party. By the time we were done, it started to pour.

I love the rains!! I started to put my hands out and catch the downpour, ended up just going out and twirling around, getting wet. I did not want to ride home in the rain and this was the way I spent the time waiting for it to subside. People around me must have thought “Crazy woman!!!” but I loved every minute of it. Lightning, thunder and a heavy downpour. Enjoyed it.

The downpour came down to a drizzle. It was getting late, A was waiting at home!! (yeah I remembered I had a kid to go home to ). I drive down, the roads are flooded. Traffic everywhere!!! To top it all, my bike stalled every other minute. Was wondering each time whether it would just die. My bike’s headlights did not function. Icing on the cake, my fuel gauge was edging towards “empty”. I rode on. The thrill of what might happen felt nice.

I know I have cribbed many a times of wanting to know what is in store. How is this different? Well, for starters, I knew what I had to do. It is not like life off late where I did not know what is in store, had (have) no plans and even if I did have plans they did not work!!

Reached home and hugged A (who asked me to change cos I had wet clothes on!! Wonder who the parent is!!!!! ). Felt like I loved life all of a sudden. Was it knowing I would be employed for the next few months? Was it just spending the evening and feeling free!!!??? Whatever it is, it felt good. It feels good to share this here!

To more such days!!

Bloghopping, I came across this post on Madras. Krish Ashok – Thank you for voicing out about Madras!

Lonely Planet… Bias gets you nowhere. Chennai or Madras as I like to call it and where I have grown up in is a lot bigger than the 70 sq km that you quote. I think Krish Ashok has responded to your “amazing” overview of my home city!! This is the post that Lonely Planet has written

Been a while since I posted anything. I suppose  I feel like a lot is happening and at the same time, nothing is! I also don’t think it is the Libra in me doing the talking….it really is like that!

This is just a short note to figure out one particular why!? Why do people compare their lives?! Especially the difficulties? My life is tougher than yours. I have more problems than you so am more miserable. Seriously, I wonder if misery can actually be quantified? I sympathise/empathise with another person’s difficulties but to say OMG! you are suffering so much more than some one else!? No, can’t do that.

At one point in life, even a paper cut felt like it was the end of the world to me. It hurt like hell! Now, it feels like nothing. My troubles would seem like nothing to some one else. Is it not to each one’s own? I would rather one person be there for the other than say hey, I go through worse! How do you know you go through worse? How is it that you know the agony the other person faces in life?! I don’t make comparisons; what gives you the right to say ” oh you can smile, so your life is good!” Should I carry a frown or a sad face all along? Should I just lock myself up and seek attention?!

Just something some one said that brought me down the spiral. Hope everyone faces their problems the way they can handle it, just don’t quantify the pain. What is not painful to you might be excruciating for the other! One might have a blessing among so many other “punishments”. Do not envy that blessing…that person might have just that one thing!

As my mother says, count your blessings!

My last post was about how people constantly keep telling me to move on when it comes to P and I really don’t know what else I must do to say “OMG! I am done with him!!!! I am not hanging about waiting for him!!” Must I print it out on the newspaper that I am over him?!, scream from the rooftop till my lungs explode?! Well, I am doing the least I can, declaring it here in my space. All I am waiting for is the paper that would end the relationship legally and nothing but!!!!!

Now that said and done….it is at least clear. The relationship is over clearly but what about those you think are still there, yet know that it is not the same. These people are there, yet they are not. Do we write them off the list saying they are out of your life or try to keep reaching out and getting hurt when there is no response?! Such people  range from new friends to those who had been really close that you have shown every single aspect of yourself and some in-between!!! Relationships are way too complex…any thing one does one has to analyse. I am so tired of that. Wondering have I done something wrong? Is that person mad at me? Did I unintentionally hurt him/her? Too many things to process for my non-existent brain

Just a sunday morning rant. Hope things are as simple as making A laugh and brighten up the moment like only he can for me and for everyone around

For the past few days (more like few months! ), I feel like I am caught between two worlds of thinking – the conservative world & the not so conservative (can’t quite say modern)!  I guess I have been there all my life, and the realisation of this is dawning on me now.

My mum is an amazing woman – strong, pretty open-minded even though she was brought up in quite a conservative world and times. She did her masters despite lot of opposition from family & friends, thanks to my grandpa who supported her. She is grounded. She follows tradition, but is very practical. I must say that I am the way I am because of her -good  & bad

So having her as a mother, I guess I have the same attitude – being grounded in values with a practical outlook. I must say that  I am a little more “modern” in my thinking than her. This is not a comparison between the two of us. It is just penning down how I feel off late.

I chose the person I married. It was not something of norm at least in my family where arranged marriages are the way to go. My family supported me (some of them reluctantly) They are devastated now that it has failed with a kid in tow. We do not talk about any of these now, just waiting for the legalities to end I suppose. This is the family front.

To my personal battleground – my mind. I took the liberty of not following tradition, chose a guy. Now since it is a failure, going back to the whiteboard – I wonder if things would have been different had I accepted whomsoever my parents chose?!? At least I would have them to blame if it had failed Is it weird that I expected the marriage to last forever?! I did hang on for quite a while thinking things would turn around.

Then, when I decided it was over, I started thinking that life is not over for me. I accept A is an important part of my life, but not the only part. There are days when I am made to feel guilty about that!!!! I also find myself defending my thoughts. There are days on end when I feel that this is it -this is all there is to my life now. I am amazed at how people are ever so ready to accept P moving on, finding someone else; but want me to be only a mother and nothing but. I find everything contradictory now. My mind is in absolute turmoil. Conflicting thoughts, feelings rule my life now. I am happy with A, scared/nervous/worried about future, depressed/angry about the past. How can one person feel all this at the same time is what even I wonder? How can I deal with all this? I know…live in the present – that is easier said than done.

Count your blessings my mum says. Hmm….?!?!? Anyways, this is what I was/am  and probably will be (for a long time) ruminating on. Conclusion now: My life is an absolute mess with only me to blame and no solution to anything ahead. All I see is gloom for myself with periods of insane happiness with A till he decides to leave (Hope I don’t hang on to him too much!!! for his sake!!)

PS: I don’t know if this post is even remotely coherent…I just typed in whatever. I am not even going to try look at it to make it sensible. Guess this is how my life is now!!!

I don’t know if you have come across people who just have this uncanny ability to be annoying. They are nice people but still have that quality about them. They just suffocate you and make you want to just escape, hide, run away?! You know that they are well meaning but still want to make you scream – “hey leave me alone, I need my space. “

In the name of being a “friend”, one has to stand the torture of questions like “where are you?” “what are you doing now?” “Why are you not responding?!” and the likes. How can one get the message across saying it is up to us to respond or not without actually hurting the other person? These characters seem to be easily offended, think that we are insulting them just by asserting our space! I have not got the hang of handling this. I also don’t know if I ever would. If any of you out there has the experience, suggestions/advice welcome!! I don’t want to be rude but I don’t want to get bugged like this either!

This also got me thinking, why are people who I want in life not there? When every incident makes you wonder – if that person were there. Have imaginary conversations wishing them to be real. You wish for that person to be present who knows just when to leave you alone and when to invade your space – just that right balance.

Life is unfair!! As I have said before, God (if you are there!! ) find another target. I am tired of being your punching bag. Now I really deserve a break with some rewards for all the fun you have had so far!!!

Hopefully well I must add So is A. What got me out of my slumber?! Just missed writing here besides, I thought of penning down a recent experience of mine which of course involved A & a dear friend Aaarti.

Flash back Tuesday last we received a circular from the school that Aakash studies in asking for students between UKG and 3rd to register to be dressed as Lord Krishna for a programme by Aruna Sairam on Vijay TV (Krishna Jayanthi special) Krishna Jayanthi for non- Indian readers is the Hindu celebration of Lord Krishna’s birthday. The following Wednesday was another Hindu holiday. Since we thought the registrations would have filled up for the first 100, we did not bother to call the school up to register though A was very keen to be lil Krishna. Friday we thought why not just give a shot – called and were surprised that A was just Krishna #81!!!!!

Saturday: Aaarti, A & I went shopping to get the costume ready. There I get a brainwave; decide not to hire the costume but put things together and dress the guy up. While shopping, we kept in mind that whatever we buy, I must be able to use later and it should not end up to be a one time thing. Had fun blowing money Got the costume ready with the help of my mum too. A was pretty co-operative with every little thing we tried on him!

Sunday: Recording day!! We were asked to be at the auditorium at 2pm. We had been asked to get snacks for the kids and get them dressed up completely there. I took A there sharp at 2. The air-conditioner in the auditorium was not switched on. It was a typical hot day in Chennai. So, one can imagine how it would have been inside the auditorium!!! Took A out to the car, got him dressed there. Thank God that the auditorium was closer to the beach (sea breeze had set in, it was getting a wee bit cooler ) Aaarti joined me to help me get him dressed. We got in to the auditorium, in a while they switched on the A/C. I pitied every kid there, all made up, in uncomfortable clothes and sweating. Though they really did not seem to mind! We even found a couple of kids playing “stone, paper, scissors” in front of us That bit was a delight – watching all the kids around (Kids playing, crying, wanting to go pee after getting completely dressed up!!!, wanting to eat after putting on their make up.. ). Then it was utter chaos. No one really knew what was the plan of action. The sound checks kept going on. Suddenly there was an announcement to leave the kids in the middle rows. When I say announcement it was not on the PA system, it was just a random person who came and told us parents. So, there were some who were completely oblivious to the announcement. With lots of confusion, finally things settled down. The artist comes in with her band, does sound checks. Kids there totally restless. Aruna Sairam sang well, tried to get the kids involved telling them they were the show’s stars, making them dance & sing. The show had 4 songs sung by her & 2 with her and a few kids who had been trained. We also had constant announcements not to take photographs or video recordings. Of course, we all would take pictures of our Krishnas (Aaarti & I did before the programme started and the announcements were made – so I guess we are fine )

I found the whole thing highly disorganised. I would also blame the parents & other relatives of the kids around too. They kept approaching the kids now and then crowding around the area where they were seated which triggered multiple announcements from the “organisers” requesting the parents to not do so. Though I also understand that the kids would have been hungry/uncomfortable and needed to confer with their mums or dads. I suppose Vijay TV officials should have realised this and made this a bit more of a pleasant experience for all. The concept of the programme was good, hence the planning should have involved a bit more of consideration that it involves small children. Parents too must have been a wee bit more co-operative! Aaarti and I were joking saying we were such “bad” adults when it came to looking after A. I had just left him where he had to sit, told him I was going to be around. That was that. I did not bother to go enquire after etc…, So, may be I was a bad parent after all. I did get irritated at one point when the MC kept announcing the kids to be quiet, parents not to approach the kids etc., I went up and told her to realise how things are. She listened and told me…that she was just doing this as a hobby but will take the suggestions in a good manner!!! There was no one who we could actually approach and ask questions or talk to!! Recording was over and done with. The kids received a packet with mysurpa box from Krishna Sweets (a brand here), a few packs of biscuits/cookies. Announcements were made saying the programme will be relayed on 13 August but the time was not given. I must say that whether every kid’s face is relayed or not, each one of them was cute (some parents had even painted the kids blue or blue/black!! torture I say especially when I was so apprehensive of putting on even a light make up on A!!! ). The kids were definitely the stars

I must really grant it to Vijay TV here. They must have gotten a really good TRP rating that day. I should say I was partly a contributing member. Word of mouth advertisement. Please see A on TV (he might come for a few seconds – one among 100s of kids! ) Aaah the vanity of motherhood!! The network ran teasers – my parents & of course I was very pleased to see a close up of A in the teaser!! All riled up to watch the show on 13th, I came back from work early. Switch on the television to find that the cablewala had cut power. All we could see were black and white dots with that crazy noise!! Calls flew past asking if anyone could record the programme for us. Alas, I must say I did not see the programme. Aaarti said that A did appear for a few seconds which made me write “A got his 2 secs out of his 15 minutes of fame!” as my status message.

I must say here that A, Aaarti, my parents & I had fun dressing A up as lil Krishna. I must also add that A milked every bit of appreciation from one and all (attention seeker that he is becoming!!! I must get wary of that ) I am still trying to find out if that programme is available on YouTube or anywhere else. I did read somewhere that the dressed up Krishnas were not given that much of a coverage on the programme.

Would I do something like this again!? Honest answer, I don’t know. I would think twice before registering him for such TV shows though. May be I am not being fair to the network, but I really feel they should have anticipated things, made better arrangements especially since the show involved so many kids.

Anyways after the “jetlag” of my long slumber, I guess am back with this post of a happening almost a week back . I don’t know though if I will post as regularly but will definitely try. Thanks to some of you who did enquire after me. That really made me feel good, felt like -hey even I am missed!!!

PS: Please do let me know if any of you have a recording of the show or can find out a link for me to just at least watch! Please!! Pretty please…with cherries on top!! If anyone one wants to see A in his costume (and already has not ) please do mail me, will try mail you a pic As I said earlier, vanity of motherhood!!

For some reason I thought it has been quite a while since I posted. I checked…and my last post was just on June 13!! Not bad eh?

Anyways, I suppose this is going to be one random post. Lots of things brewing on my mind that I am thinking of penning down. First of all, reason for these infrequent posts and more infrequent visits to blogs (okay not visiting blogs I frequent ) – technical difficulties. We have 2 machines at home – my dad’s windows desktop and my macbook. I also had a 1.5 TB external HDD attached which was compatible to both. First my HDD crashed!!!! (Had A’s DVDs ripped and stored – all gone, his photos/ videos, documents, back ups!!! – A friend offered to recover the stuff and give it. Crossing fingers & toes!!). Then internet connectivity fails. Thought it was a problem with the network or the modem provided by the ISP – and after a week, they figured out everything is alright and asked us to check our desktop. The guy fiddled with my mac on his visit; my mac crashed!!!!!!! Then well, you guessed it right, my dad’s desktop crashed too!! So, 2 machines and nothing!! It was torture! Finally got my mac up. Still in the process of getting the Windows machine up. HDD must ask my friend about the status! So, now feels like having brand new machines with no data on them and no back up also!! Tragedy!!! Boohoo!!!

At work, I tried to apply for a permanent position (I work as a temp now obviously!) I did not even get shortlisted for the skills test. The reason when I enquired to me sounds pretty ridiculous. Politics at play? Probably just my plain bad luck in life as usual I suppose!!

Did I say I was unlucky??!? Well, not really. I had booked for a Tata Nano. I did get an allotment! Woohooo!!! Thought that winds are changing. Signs of life turning around. I guess I counted chicken before they hatched!! I check and find that I would get the car in the last quarter Oct- Dec 2010. Waiting for a car for one and a half years having paid in full for it!!!! (It is a cheap car – still a huge amount to get locked up like that!)  I have cancelled my allotment. It would take a month to get the money back after deduction of booking fee – They had debited my account within 24 hours when I paid them! Thing that pissed me off, the guys who served me at the automobile dealer centre; did not even offer a seat for us (A, dad & I had gone!) Basic courtesies!!!???

End result: I am unlucky. I must be avoided at all costs; like the plague!!! May be I must avoid me -just wondering how?! I apologise for not visiting any blogs. Will get back on track asap! Did I not just say that I must be avoided?! Here I am saying I would visit making life tough for one and all

Edited to add: I forgot to add – My bike (ok Nikhil scooter! ) has been found to have a manufacturing defect. The petrol tank leaks. The speedometer & odometer stopped working. I am a fool who gave the bike with a full tank of gas to the mechanic!!

I also happen to have lost a gold chain (my mangasutra – forget the significance of the same. Don’t really care about that…..but at the rate of gold currently – it is definitely a huge loss!!!)  :(

This morning I was playing catch with A. He is not that good at catching smaller objects…. This set my mind thinking (nostalgia struck! flashback!!!)

Having entered middle school, entering a team seemed a big thing. I tried out for kho-kho and throwball. Both were held the same evening. I must say here that I just vaguely knew what the games were. Assumption there would be some sort of training. What I was remembering distinctly was the try out for the throwball team. All I had to do was throw the ball from the boundary and it had to cross the net. We were supposed to get 3 tries. We were given only one!! None of the 6th standard (/grade) kids were chosen for that year. I remember how the captain of the team (an 8th standard gal) said ” You gals cannot throw the ball across the net, and you dream of making it to the team” and she sniggered.  It struck me hard.

I asked my neighbour uncle to help me. He and other older neighbours played volleyball every sunday morning in an over-sized court. He helped out. By a little while, I could really throw the ball from the boundary of the oversized court  - right across the net. Obviously I tried the next year to make it into the team. Did get selected. Guess what? I had to actually control the power in my serve such that I don’t serve the ball that landed outside!!! I made it as captain of the team when I passed out of school.

Why all this story? I was wondering where that girl has gone? That girl who got hurt and fought back, trained for what she wanted and got it. Did well in what she got (fairly well We lost some matches in the inter-school competition!! )

Is this what my friends who know me from ages back refer to when they say “the Apar I knew”. Has she disappeared? Has age mellowed her down? Has she become a plain old quitter?! There are days when I think “nah!! I am still here, I am still fighting and doing the best I can.” and there are those when I would tell myself ” Those days are long gone. This is what it is. Nothing can change it!”

I wonder if this is a case of cascading thoughts. Linking absolutely independent events and worrying unnecessarily. May be it is trying to figure out what the heck I am doing or where I am going in life!! Whatever it is…decided to key it in.