Knock! Knock!!

Weird how my brain works!!!….Or is it not? I was just wondering how when I keep yourself busy in some way or the other….I don’t even think of the problems I am facing!! Give me just a minute of free time…and lo!! I start mulling over everything and going back on the path of depression.

I plan to keep myself busy all the time to never get on to that path come what may! Hope I can stick to this plan

Sometimes though the problem is my brain goes into multi-task mode! Then there runs a parallel thread or multiple threads even sometimes!! What do I do then?? How do I end those?? I wonder! Don’t know how or when, but there should come a time when I can really block out negative stuff and not bother about them at all…either the past, present or future. Time should only tell I suppose…Knock knock time!!

Another happy note :)

For a change, I am entering a happy note. Two consecutive nice entries I think is probably a first for me. This time though, I am so happy for my friend who related something nice happening to her in her life.

This actually feels so much better than even something nice happening to me

Thanks a million for being my friend and sharing your happiness with me to make my day. Hope you share many more happy events with me *hugs*

Always feels good :)

Everyone likes to be complimented. My day was made today by not one but 3 strangers!!!

Off late, I felt like I had aged quite a bit. Looked old, tired and certainly a few years above my real age. Dark circles, quite a few lines under my eyes and the likes though I never bother to hide my age. When asked will give the honest answer….

So, today when I was waiting to get my driving tests done…4 of us started chatting to while away the time. I got the compliment saying I did not look my age and they could not believe that I was mother of a 3 year old.

Boy!! It feels nice to receive compliments. They made my day today. Thanks! Such days have been very very few in the recent past

Typical thought that comes to me :)

I have lot of friends and many are really close to me and I treasure each one of them. So, when somebody asks me about my best friend, there are times I am flummoxed!!! I cannot choose just one among quite the number I hold close to my heart. I also wonder when people give a long list when asked about their best friend.

Wonder whether when it comes to friendship, the term “superlative” loses its meaning…or may be the word “best” is just superlative in term…not really the one or the only one?!? So when someone gives a list of friends as being the best - is it because they are the best among the group of friends??

I just end up saying a “really close friend” instead of using the term “best friend” Maybe I am being too bothered by grammar?!? Setback of havng a literature major as a mother I suppose

This thought might sound utterly stupid (like many others!! )…but still felt I should pen it down.

Disappointments and Expectations

Ideally a life with absolutely no expectations whatsoever will be happy. Though, is it really possible to not expect anything at all?? I have this really close friend who knew about a certain event. Automatically, I expected this person to call me and find out how things went. And was disappointed that never happened. Not a peep!!?? Eventually when the question was put forth, I was reluctant to answer….felt like the person was not really interested, not bothered to find out earlier; why should I even think of relating what happened? I probably ended up disappointing that person! Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth is it??

In effect, I realised that I could never let go of expectations in life. From minor to major ones. So, I guess I should also expect disappointments that come along with them! Or I should learn to live like a saint and not expect anything! Don’t think either of these are possible

Views

I was put into my thought mode by a remark made by one of my friends today. She remarked how funny it is to see that there are people who see you in such diametrically opposite views. I have often fretted over what the other person thinks of me (I should rather say it in the present tense! ). I have this urge to please everyone, fit into everyone’s purview. Hence am always in a dilemma

I realise that it is not funny that people have such clashing attitudes toward you - to each one’s own. Just that personally, I end up trying hard to make them see me in proper light much to my own chagrin usually. I guess like some of my well wishers tell me, let anyone think whatever they want about you or think whatever….you be who you are and do what you do. Do not bother about others unless they have been proven to really care about your welfare and earned your trust.

My problem : I trust everyone! Give people more chances if they betray the trust….then I get singed. Still have not learnt my lesson! Is it that bad to trust someone? Is it not worse for the other person to break it?? Why do I feel I am answerable to all and sundry? I get so worked up if even one individual cannot get it!  I feel irritated, depressed, angry…just go through a gamut of emotions….Do I need to feel accepted that much? Boy!! Something is wrong with me! I need help!!! and sooooon before I dig my own grave. Sometimes feel like I am halfway through already! My train of thought puts me in a really self-destructive thought process sometimes. I suppose I should be patient (as I said am far from it) and positive (again poles apart!! pessimist to the core except am such an optmist when it comes to other people )

Scrabble and thought process!!!

Ok here goes…this is how bizarre my thought process is. Was playing Scrabble with my best friend (who happens to be really good at the game!) I started the game and my letters were UIBAALP…Was trying to put all the letters on…and the only word I could come up with was ‘ABULIA’. Now don’t really know how that hit my brain at that point of time…but this is what it means….”Loss or impairment of the ability to make decisions or act independently. ” Was telling my friend I probably suffer from it She answered I was delusional. I told her I was told that I suffer from another psychiatric disorder by another who had read quite a few books on the disorder. This led to my friend telling me she has read so many books on assassinations that does not make her an expert on the matter!

This led me thinking….how we sometimes tend to read some books , or watch TV on some disease and many a times, decide we suffer from the disease!!! Was told by a friend who is a doctor that when they were students, thought they suffered from each and every disease they were studying about! At the time I heard this, I found it ridiculous!!

Just thought how weird one’s thought process can lead to really bizarre and mostly stupid conclusions. One thing though… feel nobody is perfect…it is the degree that differs in each

Now another thought I had today was overwhelming. I am so pleased that I am grinning ear to ear since I saw that two of my friends have given this to me - A-kay & Laksh.

I thank them both for making my day. Give it right back to them. I also give this to Raaga, Swaminathan , Yogs, LG, Usha, Sangi, Gokul, Kurinji, Anand, GKa, Karthik, Nana, Prasanna,…quite a few non-bloggers (list is kinda long….but lately some of them have been really nice to me and some have been the nicest people ever since I got to know them!)

Thanks a lot for being in my life and being more than nice to me.

I have to change!

I think I have written how other people’s opinions about me have affected me a lot. Lately, even a small trigger puts me in that rotten cycle of self- doubt and unnecessary self-criticism that pulls me down. Worse is I end up crying to people who care about me and stand by me ruining their mood and day because of a lousy comment by someone who just has nothing else to do.

A wise friend of mine said that I try to please everyone and high time I stopped doing that. And another said I should move on and let go on my own terms for my own good….not just because some one says something is over and I have to move on.

I know that now, I am wee bit wiser; I would have wallowed in the negative emotions from remarks for a long time. I don’t seem to that now. The immediate impact is there, but slowly I realise it is not worth bothering about it. It is this immediate impact which I am talking about. I have to change to the effect to just ignore. I must learn to bother about only people who are there to really help me and truly care about me.

Should realise that words would hurt, but learn which ones to really take into consideration and which to just brush off. I am older and no wiser in this. Poor judge of people Hope I learn and quickly!!! just to avoid tormenting the well- wishers I have around me with my depression But I also realise that these comments that I hear….it is just the beginning and I have a long way to go with lots more to hear. My son, parents and friends are standing by me at these tough times.  Hope I can change for them and learn to ignore.

Madras …

Today’s The Hindu  Metro Plus carried two articles which captured my attention. One was on whether Madras is conservative? and another on kolams in the personality column titled L’Affaire Kolam.

Both articles are well written. Just enjoyed them both; hence this entry.

Since I cannot find the link to the Kolam article…will give a gist. It is about a French visual artist Severine Bourguignon whose views are written. She takes photographs of the kolams going in and around Chennai. She calls it a fragile art form with remnants definitely being washed off the next day.Artform without ego! She calls it and quotes how it reinforces Indian belief in the Gita - the detachment and peace that accompany doing things without pride or possessiveness about the deed or its fruit. The journalist says that Severine’s focus daws our gaze into our ingenuity of our ancestors who developed this practice - as combination of aesthetics, physical exercise, concentration, math concepts, communication, spirituality and detachment!

Well…after reading both articles I was more proud to call myself a Madrasi and one who knows the art of kolam to an extent In my mind, Madras is a bit conservative in its thoughts though it is progressing otherwise. I feel that the basic values form the core of the society. Madrasis would embrace modern stuff with elan; but when it comes to certain things, atleast when it comes to their personal life; they do get very conservative. I remember seeing a programme on TV about marriages and how everywhere else, it is the couple who decides entirely about the marriage and even pitch in to pay whereas in good old Madras; majority is where the parents do everything - including deciding the future daughter-in-law or son-in-law. Now do we call that conservatism or tradition?? Am confused as usual. I agree though with the journalist Madhurika Sankar that it piques me when someone says Madras is boring and have asked people what is it that they can do elsewhere that they cannot here?!

The kolam bit…I used to feel sad when the kolam I took sometimes hours to finish gets washed off by rain within minutes wishing it had stayed till the next day when we can work our brains all over again - I never thought of all the deep stuff that had been written; detachment, Gita and stuff. Guess I just did what our ancestors have been doing without giving any more thought to it. The article atleast has put some fodder to my idle brain

Rains!!

I love rains..especially here in good old Chennai. There have been days when my mother used to warn me and ask me to carry a raincoat which went unheeded just because I love getting wet in the rain. (It is not like the chilly rains back in the US! ) The rains here bring down the temperature which is soooo welcome!!

For the past few days, it has been raining. Very unseasonal. Madras does not have south-west monsoons…it has north-east monsoons that come later during the year around october-november; generally dampening Deepavali celebrations (btw, hope I got the  names of the directions right…digging it out of my long lost geography texts ) I love it that the sweltering heat has come down a wee bit. I got wet in the rain too one day

Thing is…I don’t know what it is with the weather Gods and laying of our neighbourhood roads. Just when they top the roads, it rains!! Back to square 1 with regards to the state of the roads….Why does it never rain when we want it to? Like life in general I suppose D Nothing occurs when you need it most