Maybe it is just me….
Posted: December 9, 2012 Filed under: behaviour, emotions, friends, life, opinion, parent, questions | Tags: emotions, friends, life, time 3 Comments »Well, it has been so long since I even logged into WordPress!! Was taken aback by all the interface changes!! That is how long!!! 
It was nice to see an award when I did log in!!! Been 5 years since I registered it seems!! Wow!! Just a few days back I thought time flies – A turned 8. I think it again today – Didn’t realise it has been 5 years since I registered here!!
Life has not changed much but it has too!! I start afresh yet again in a way tomorrow. Nervous about this yet tired of new beginnings. I just wish I had no more… I am at a weird place now. I want change but I don’t want it either. I feel lonely yet think am too set in my own ways that I can’t think of adapting to being with someone either….
A has been the one strength. I have poured out my anger & frustration to him yet he still manages to give me such a welcoming smile when he sees me. Never ceases to please me. Ever ready to give me a hug. As much as I have resented being the only one responsible for him, I love him to bits.
I truly wish my life was less complicated. Wish I could just enjoy the simple things in life. Days I want to see how A has grown up & what he will become. Days I just don’t want to wake up at all.
I have made some new friends yet, have started to think they are not going to be around either. It is not them…I think it is me! As a friend told me, I am not ready to trust anyone any more. Been left stranded way too many times.
Times I just don’t know what I want. One thing though…no more getting hurt & being used.If it means I don’t trust people or be called rude – so be it. I am tired of feeling lost, sad & many times breaking down into tears, feeling defeated. I may not laugh or smile but I do not want to feel crushed.
I do not think time heals! I don’t even think it makes me feel numb over time…may be it is just me!??!
Just don’t fit in!
Posted: October 11, 2012 Filed under: acceptability, analysis?, behaviour, hurt, life | Tags: fitting in, lonely, misfit Leave a comment »This is what I have been feeling for quite a while now! Working in a company where the average age of the employees is around 25, I am old there! I did write that I found a few friends; then why do I feel like I don’t fit in….not there not anywhere.
I have come to realise why there are support groups with similar people coming together! I didn’t before this. Now I am a single mother living with her parents. My friends are single either living on their own or with their parents. So, there are times they don’t get it that I have a kid back home with my parents who I don’t want to act as parents to my son! I really can’t hamper their plans just because I have a kid, or make them accomodate the kiddo! My other friends who do have kids, well, that is another story! They are married and have a proper standard family. I can’t really hinder them either. I do feel I am part of neither group!
At work, I am older in the company than what I was when I joined but still not old enough to be tenured! So, I don’t quite fit in there either. As much as I dread being alone, it appears to be my only option these days. I would rather not trouble my friends and make them change their plans or conversations for me!
These aren’t the only reasons that make me feel like I don’t fit in. There are quite a few more….one more; some friends of mine are so out of the box thinking (I don’t have that thinking but admire them for it!) or they are so boxed in (which also I admire as I can’t do that either!)
Seriously contemplating to shut myself out from everything & everything, keep to myself rather than feel uncomfortably about not fitting in anywhere! Saves me the pain & agony – that is for sure!
One foot in each world
Posted: October 3, 2012 Filed under: analysis?, behaviour, emotions, friends, life | Tags: emotions, horoscope, loneliness, society 1 Comment »I have this horoscope subscription to my mailbox. Just out of habit, I look at it everyday… sometimes wondering what it might mean, sometimes laugh at how weird it sounds…whatever I look at this. Today’s horoscope is
You’re feeling a bit more introspective than usual today as your key planet Venus enters your 12th House of Privacy. If you must spend the day with others, you can still withdraw into your imagination while appearing as socially astute as ever. Balancing your previous obligations with your current need to be alone might be tricky unless you’re willing to keep one foot in each world
This just makes me smile!!! I was thinking as I read…hey this is what I do every day!!! Have a foot in each world. Smile/laugh go about everything while my mind is racing with other things yearning to withdraw!! Completely withdraw.
Conversations I have been having with close friends lately made me realise that each of one us is like that. Just the thoughts in our parallel world are different. I am lucky to have a few friends who I can be myself with. Be lost in my own world and not bother with civilities! I wish that each of us have someone at least one someone like that. It is difficult to live in two (or sometimes even more 
) worlds constantly!! Takes a toll.
I don’t know how to switch off!! I wish sometimes I could just scream and most times, just be myself locked up in a room. Some who know me well keep asking me what good that would do! I don’t know. May be I won’t be torn apart all the time! Wallowing does not help they say. I say I am not!! Well, one thing is for sure… it will be a long time before I figure this out.
Just that I am glad that I am not alone as there was one significant person in my life who used to say I am mad/crazy/weird. Glad that it is actually normal and even if it is not, I am not the only mad/crazy/weird person!! 
3 months since last post..
Posted: August 19, 2012 Filed under: analysis?, emotions, India, life | Tags: honest answer, insane thoughts, working mothers 7 Comments »What has changed? Well, I don’t seem to have time for anything at all. Not even to read my favourite blogs let alone penning my insane thoughts here. Don’t seem to spend any time with A either. What have I been doing then??
Settling down into my job. Getting used to the schedule, the people. Have I? Honest answer – No. The pluses so far: Found a few friends- Wonderful folks. Realised how important the time I spend with A is. Learnt that it is only I who has to change. Society remains and will remain the same!!!
I must say that A has been wonderful. Touchwood. He has been a good student, coping with seeing me only for the hour in the morning when I send him off to school and the weekends. Guess it is me who feels guilty. I feel like I am not being responsible especially when he has only me! My inability to cope makes me snap at him, the one person I really love. He still comes with his cute little smile and hugs me!
I must have done something good sometime to deserve this love from my kid!!!
I am now wondering (guess like all working mothers in the world) if a career is worth it or the time you spend with your kid. Being the Libra I am, weighing the pros & cons a lot!! Don’t know & confused…
A few things I do want people to know: that, just because you break down into tears/are emotional does not mean you are not strong or that you don’t have reason! Just because you have not decided on an objective & can’t say what it is does not mean you are not focused. It is not like one does not change course in life. Lucky are those who have stuck to what they wanted and got there. I am not that lucky. I have had to change so many times, that now I just go as life goes. Make the best of what is put forth to me & avoid the depression due to disappointment if I have to change once more if I decide on a path. No iron-clad guarantee that I would be able to get what I want….thing is I didn’t change paths because I gave up; I had to change because of circumstances.
Wondering now as to when I can actually share a happy post to those few who still take the time to read my ruminations!!! Wonder when I will actually find my niche – I am told I am old & should know what I want or have to do. I don’t.
I just know I don’t want to fall into depression. I don’t want to think of leaving/disappearing & abandoning my son. I must confess that I am not being so successful! 
Guess I need a break – not from blogging
I am a divorcee!
Posted: May 20, 2012 Filed under: acceptability, analysis?, behaviour, divorce, emotions, hurt, India | Tags: divorce, frustration, Lie, rant 15 Comments »Yes I am a divorcee… I am not proud of it or anything. It is just a fact. I don’t know why I must hide or be ashamed of that? It happened…and here I am. I have my life ahead of me. It did not end there, did it?
Why must people “advise” me to not divulge this? It is not like I have committed murder, I am not a paedophile or any such thing to be secretive about this. The number of people who said…you are going to a new job…Don’t tell anyone that you are divorced. Just say that your husband is abroad!!
What is the reasoning behind this?! Should I be ashamed that I could not make my marriage work? That I am a single mother who has resorted to living with her parents?
I feel that those guys who assume that since I am a divorcee, I will be ready for flings & hit on me shamlessly should be the ones who must follow restraint. Those who box me into some stereo-type…
Why can’t I just let be? Why must I lie? Sick & tired…these are really the things that pain me about my divorce…. Grow up all!!
Why?
Posted: May 12, 2012 Filed under: analysis?, behaviour, divorce, emotions, friends, learning, life, questions | Tags: annoyed, car, career, change, intrusion, intrusive, job, life, phone, Tennyson 12 Comments »I think one of my mum’s favourite quotes is
Ours not to reason why, ours but to do and die. -Alfred Lord Tennyson
Off late, this question bugs me! Why? Why are you doing this? Why don’t you think this over? I have been snapping at those who throw this question at me for whatever reason from something as trivial as why did you change your hairstyle to why did you take this life altering decision? I can understand someone who is concerned asking such questions…but the same thing from those who we say just hello & bye to?!? Ridiculous! What bothers them? How does anything affect them? Nowadays I don’t want to answer that question even if it may remotely affect the person asking it!! Like my parents!
In the down period from the blog, I am now officially single (rather divorced in Indian terms..). Got my divorce decree. I am waiting to join a new job next week. Nervous & excited. Yes, trivial things like I have changed my iPhone & car too.I have reactivated my facebook since I left my previous job (to come out of hermithood like my friend Laksh said ) I have had to listen to the question “why” for all of those!! Seriously…I have asked the same question why for my divorce and never got any answers! Me aking that question I think is valid….and I ask it to myself or bug my close friends while trying to figure things out…
Anyways… lots of changes in the last few months. I certainly would like to thank those who drove me nuts who in turn I drove crazy! (think it is more me driving them crazy than the other way round!) Been through up & down emotions through this…so thanks to those patient wonderful friends of mine. May you remain as patient through our lives….just so you have to manage me!!
I certainly don’t know what is in store. I don’t know what I will do or why I will do whatever… but as a colleague (rather ex-colleague) said…life moves on. Hope I get some of the patience that my friends have in enduring me so I can handle things better BTW, A seems to have immense patience!! Thank whoever!! (Don’t really believe in God or evil – this again is a statement by a very dear friend of mine about me! )
Well… I guess I will just do & die, not to be questioned/question why!
Off Facebook
Posted: February 5, 2012 Filed under: behaviour, emotions, friends, hurt, learning, life | Tags: Facebook, friendships, interactions, internet, LinkedIn, Twitter 24 Comments »I know I have not blogged since around Christmas last year. So I must say I have been off blogging and off Facebook. The latter since October last year. It started off with lots of thoughts running in my mind as usual Wondering why I must be on a social networking site where I really was not interested in reading mundane status updates & I didn’t have much to actually do status updates. I had also brought down photos of A from the site much earlier (rather increased privacy options for those albums). Then came a challenge from a good friend saying I could not stay off the internet at all. I deactivated my Facebook account then. Many didn’t realise I was off the site now. Some turned around and asked where I was and whether I had taken them off my list . I get the “oh! you must have read that on Facebook” and when I say “Am off Facebook”, I am received with a gamut of reactions from why to what is wrong with you?!
I can honestly say I do not miss Facebook after nearly 6 months of not being on it. I had no withdrawal symptoms! I still am on Twitter,LinkedIn, come online (mostly invisible) on gtalk or yahoo chat. I read my mails regularly – though the actual personal mails I receive average probably at 1 or 2 a week!! Am not doing much here at my popularity rating am I?!
The last few months have actually made me wonder about friendship & evaluation of the same. Was laughing at the fact that some felt offended that I probably had taken them off my friends’ list to being touched by some’s concern that I had gone bonkers to be offline. LOL!! I was asked if I was surprised that some did not even notice my absence, I said not at all to them… after all each of us have 100s in our list, how would one know if someone went missing unless you interact with them on a daily basis?!
Started wondering how much we give importance to being “friends” on Facebook. Is that being a friend? May be I am old fashioned. To me, a friend is one who will stand by me, through all my stupid emotions (ping ponging as someone recently said); some one who I can call and share a joke or my pains whatever the case might be then. I will do that to anyone who I call a friend. I will not evaluate friendship (yes heard that too!! ) Alright, I digress here though not entirely. Guess I am trying to say that the value of friendship is somehow lost somewhere or so I feel. I am glad that I still have some friends who I can bank on who are used to my ping-pong emotions (and have said hey you are human…if you were a robot may be you won’t have all that and would also be boring! ), who do give me the time of day if I needed a shoulder to cry on or hold my hand, just be there for me. It is difficult when life’s responsibilities take over and friendship does take a backseat many times but all of us acknowledge that we will be there in need. May not be able to take away the pain that one feels of an ailing child or loneliness – but be understanding. Thanks to all those friends who I don’t talk/chat with often but I do know they are there; have been for ages now.
I must also say that I am being really wary of new people thanks to my recent experiences. I do not want people who are weighing in whether they need to be friends. Sorry! stay away!!
