As usual, I am just contemplating life, God, philosophies….
Saw this as
“Q: Why should we believe in God?
A: Because there are still some questions which cannot be answered by Google.”
Sulz‘ status message on facebook. Yes, I clicked on “like”
Though, I wonder when will God answer the questions. Would these remain questions forever?! Going back to what I wrote quite a while ago… God! Give me patience, but hurry!!
I wish I could share what is going on in this place called my brain. Alas I cannot really do that now and here! Though nothing much has changed. Nothing is clear. Still wondering when I can see through the haze and know what is ahead.
The past fortnight has been quite a journey. Have had my ups and downs. The ups were not so high, the downs were pretty bad. Had a breakdown one of the days and had to resort to leaning on a friend’s shoulder. Thanks N! He was amazing and had me smiling and laughing at the end of the conversation. All this when he must have been tired after a long day at work and an early start the next day. Things I put my friends through!! Sorry guys and a big thank you!
I also learnt a big lesson. Do not trust everyone who claims to be a friend. (I know some of you there going…duh!! but I have major issues with trust. I trust anyone who says she/he is a friend and shows he/she cares! Dumb me! ) They just get everything out of you and trample over you. As my son’s father used to say…I have been spoilt by the great friends I have! The one off case where the person is out to take advantage of you comes as a shock, worse when that person also mars your path! I mean go on ahead take whatever but do not put the other person down! I guess there are people of all kinds! Such people just makes me realise how precious the real friends I have made over these years are. I just wish the bad ones do not use “friendship” and give that a bad name!! I suppose a lesson my friend P says is finally seeping through…” hey Apar remember everybody has an agenda. Figure that out. Don’t get hurt like this. Most are like this, few are otherwise. The few would stay, the others will just get their work done!” It is so hard though to find people with agenda or what it is Lots and lots of learning ahead I suppose.
When will I get enlightenment?! Need it badly to go through now looking ahead at a life with all the responsibilities of a single mother. (I find people ever so ready to point the finger at me for every teensy weeny mistake and say I am a bad mother) and increasingly lonely days. I am trying not to infringe on my friends’ time so that they remain my friends . I don’t know anything any more not that I knew earlier. Just a little more confused now.
I have not been blogging too often because I don’t want to keep penning down all this. I don’t even know if this makes sense to anyone who reads this. Just some rants of a confused, lonely and beaten down person (this is not self-pity or anything…just a matter of fact). I hope to survive this and more that I will be facing. Now God…with the patience, just give me some strength to find happiness in the little things I have and that diminishes the lemons thrown in! I am thankful for what I have. I know I am luckier than many others in the world but I must say enough is enough. I can’t stand it any more. I have not been the lucky one (I have never had luck even in a lucky draw in FIFA – shows when you pick Barry as the player in a draw with ENG playing GER! or Slovakia as the team in another draw! Was told even if the team comes last I get something…and the team goes into the KO stages!!! LOL! ) I don’t want the riches of the world. I just want to go on without being pulled down or betrayed. C’est tout!
This post is up as a result of my unyielding but relentless efforts at contacting a few people. One assumes that in this day & age, reaching someone would be child’s play – that is true only if that person wants to communicate.
Gone are the days when one had to actually write a letter, put a pen to paper – make that effort, write, address it & post it. It depended on the postal service if it would eventually reach the recipient or not.
Weren’t people a little more communicative in those times!?
Weird! Almost everyone has at least one mobile phone, one email ID. There are so many social networking sites, twitter and what not. Yet, why has it become such an effort to get in touch with some one?!
One calls, the call is not answered. Worse, most people do not even return those missed calls!!! Mails go unanswered. I wonder if it is the skeptical me but are people generally being more rude than ever?! Does etiquette even get featured here?!
Personally, I tend to reply to mails sent to me (if at all!!! ), answer all IMs, tweets if I am mentioned, respond to messages on my Facebook wall. It is not that I have no work at all as that seems to be the most popular excuse.” I am busy!!!”
Was wondering if it were just me or people are ignoring others intentionally even (think this because there are caller-ids! ). Is it a message to say hey I don’t want to be friends with you any more? Like breaking up over a text message, may be this is the not so subtle way of saying get off my life!?
Being unreachable with so many means of communicating sounds utterly ridiculous to me. It is not like one is in the remote Amazonian jungle with absolutely no connectivity at all (or am I in stone age and there is superb connectivity even there?! ). Communication means seem to have evolved, but unfortunately I feel that most people have decided not to use these effectively! Keeping in touch with each other could never be easier, yet it seems like such a chore!!
Here is to technology! Let us all make effective use of it! To those who want to be rude, I really don’t know what to say not that you care!
Looks like I am posting once a month now! Or at least it has been close to a month since my last post!
What have I been up to? Going through some really bad moments – learnt that I mistrusted a person who I thought to be a great friend (15 years of friendship down the drain – making me wonder who my real friends are now! ), distance between me & another friend has grown due to a stupid misunderstanding because of my mood swing, visit by a trio of old people I never wanted to meet as a result of a “friend’s” actions. The last on the list was a bit too much for me & A.
I know that all this sounds really cryptic but over the last month I have learnt that I have been way too open only to be hurt by people I trusted. It is not easy for me to be this closed… am glad I have a few I still trust & open up to. Don’t know how long they will be there (showing how cynical I am getting I suppose) Result of a few who say they would call back & have not, I have pinged and in fact even asked them to call when free cos I wanted to talk – still waiting! I know people are busy, have lives etc…, but I also know that no one is that busy that they cannot even return a call or message for days on end. I get the message. Learning that being a hi-how do you do?-bye friend is all many are! I sometimes wish I could be like that!!! I am not! I have always valued friendship and would do anything for a good friend. I don’t want to become the cynic that I am turning into.
I don’t know how many readers I have left! I have been really bad at commenting on the blogs I visit (avoiding it because of the way I am right now) I hardly even ping anyone online nor tweet – so much so I doubt if I qualify to be part of the tweeples out there or a blogger or whatever!!
Now I only wish that I don’t lose the few I have in my life right now or that I have the strength to face the time when they won’t be around. Life is weird – especially mine – I always end up getting the one thing I never ever wanted – loneliness!
There are three things in life that shouldn’t be broken… hearts, promises & friendships
Found that in the status shuffle on Facebook. Guess what? All 3 have been broken…one too many times!!!
My last post was about how people constantly keep telling me to move on when it comes to P and I really don’t know what else I must do to say “OMG! I am done with him!!!! I am not hanging about waiting for him!!” Must I print it out on the newspaper that I am over him?!, scream from the rooftop till my lungs explode?! Well, I am doing the least I can, declaring it here in my space. All I am waiting for is the paper that would end the relationship legally and nothing but!!!!!
Now that said and done….it is at least clear. The relationship is over clearly but what about those you think are still there, yet know that it is not the same. These people are there, yet they are not. Do we write them off the list saying they are out of your life or try to keep reaching out and getting hurt when there is no response?! Such people range from new friends to those who had been really close that you have shown every single aspect of yourself and some in-between!!! Relationships are way too complex…any thing one does one has to analyse. I am so tired of that. Wondering have I done something wrong? Is that person mad at me? Did I unintentionally hurt him/her? Too many things to process for my non-existent brain
Just a sunday morning rant. Hope things are as simple as making A laugh and brighten up the moment like only he can for me and for everyone around