It has been over a month since I last posted. I must say for a long time now I have tried to keep to myself. Even when I did post, I did not really reveal about what my mind was going through. Result of a close friend who induced the thought process into me saying do not be so open. Do not tell everything to everyone. I slowly tried to learn that lesson. That probably explains the dearth of posts on my blog too. I don’t think I have any readers even!!
Anyways today, I decided to just put something down today. This probably will be vague and make no sense whatsoever to most (if at all there is anyone out there who does) who read this.
I don’t know if I am doing right by keeping things to myself, not sharing anything to anyone. The person who did ask me to do this is a close friend who is no longer in town. I miss having the person around. We do skype now and then but long distance relationships…well…that is that. Don’t know about that one! In my confusion of what the heck I am doing, I shut a really good friend out of my life. Sorry (if you are reading this!) I still don’t know why I did that or whether it is right or wrong. I did that right when we were reconnecting after quite a few years. Another friend who i have known for years now, is just confusing me saying nothing is different, but is unavailable if I call or ping. I don’t want to be disturbing my friends. I know they all have their own lives and are really busy. They will ping me when they feel like it. Sometimes I feel like I am just waiting for a ping sometime…desperate to get one text or call…then I feel disappointed when I don’t get any or when someone does not even respond to my ping. I wonder why I even have a phone these days. My facebook/twitter activity is minimal.
In all honesty, I just feel lost & really lonely. My job is going on alright. A is doing pretty well. Thank God! I don’t know why then I feel the way I do. I just know that I feel like I have no one. There are days I just want to give up. Off late, I feel this a lot more. I feel like if I switched my phone off, went away somewhere there probably will be no one who will miss me. I am pathetic & I know that too!!
I don’t know when or if I will ever post again. I don’t know anything any more. I will live for A and do my best for him. That is all I know. I exist and will keep doing that. I must just stop expecting anything from anyone. I don’t think I’ll be happier, but I will definitely not feel as hurt as I do right now.
PS: I know there are many out there who are at a position worse off than I am – knowing that does not take the pain/hurt I feel. Sorry!! Sorry they are going through hell, their hell but it does not make mine feel like heaven. No siree!
This post has been coming for quite some time now! I have shared this with some people I know about how I don’t feel like I belong. It was not that I felt like I belonged in the US when I was there. I was adapting to the life and learning to love the weather, the people – Many friends who were there who shared my dilemma or did not (I mean those who got the opportunity to work there). It was not a great life, but it was supposedly my home. I put in my time to work on it, decorate & maintain it. Put in thoughts to make it feel like a home – welcomed friends to home cooked meals, hopefully made them feel nice. I did not like American football. To me, football would always be their soccer. Though, I was initiated into it by a friend who taught his kids’ school teams. I remember one time when we had friends over for the Superbowl when the guy taught P the nuances of the game and he was surprised I had picked up so much in just a conversation in some summer barbeque. We had watched the game over Indian food, red wine & awesome cheese, pleasant company.
I digress….anyways…the point is after almost 5 or 6 years, I guess I had actually grown roots there. Fast forward to now! I am living under my aging parents roof facing divorce (phew …even I am tired of saying “soon to be ex” when I talk about P) I have been hearing about how he has been packing my stuff since Dec ’06, how he has been talking to the lawyers since only he knows when!! I am yet to receive the papers or our stuff! Life has been weird here. Bittersweet in a way. Found new friends in fellow bloggers. We connect well. They care a lot for A & me….still I feel lonely. Desparate. Feel like I don’t belong here now. Another 5 year haul to grow roots here with A in tow?! I am scared of facing this conservative society – when they hear of divorce it is my fault! At 32, without many skills to boast of , I don’t know where I am headed. I have realised that it is each to one’s own. Everyone is busy, they have their lives. I was one who let go of everything if a friend asked me for help or just called to talk. Guess, back in the US, friends become family. Here I have a family. They are concerned…I know that but are not always considerate because of their own circumstances. Friends are at a loss for even words. No one knows what to say. I am not trying to play the victim here and enjoying it as one person told me. Believe me it is not fun being the victim. Just plain fact that things are not easy. I feel like I don’t belong.
I feel like I left my friends behind there but when I read their blogs or chat with them, I no longer relate to them or their lifestyle/attitude even. I feel like I have no one here in India. I know my parents would rather not have me here at their place; but they are glad I am not somewhere suffering alone. They can’t do much but they can provide a safe shelter. They don’t know what they must do except know that their daughter & grandkid must not suffer. I don’t speak much to my parents because it mostly ends in confrontations ( a whole different post…probably will never get written!) I am just tired of being the depressed person that needs to crib to friends. I feel like I am pushing them away. They don’t know what to say because I don’t want to hear clichés or talk about karma /God/ time. Nobody can really help me out in a way either.I know I have A. Though I know that he right now is more of a responsibility; I cannot think of how I would manage if P stops sending the money that he is sending me right now! What then? My parents have no income and are living off their savings. So, A, unless I am financially stable, makes me think I made a huge mistake having him. Live in the present people might say….then when I am broke tomorrow, how do A & I live?