Les mots

Words! They have an impact. They cannot just be brushed off. Bruises heal, scars slowly fade but words that hurt leave a much deeper cut! May be it is just me!! I dwell on conversations. Why someone said what they did. Why they addressed something to me.

A couple of days back, I happen to go meet a couple of people. Afterthought, I could have avoided that rendezvous completely. Just put the other two players in touch and made myself scarce. It didn’t happen that way. I was there. Why am I venting out here? During the course of that conversation, I was told “I do not matter” multiple times! For those who have read other posts in this space or just have had the “pleasure” of knowing me, would be familiar about my battles of my existence/ usefulness. So a direct statement like this multiple times hit me really hard. Those words from that phrase have been tumbling in my head the last couple of days so much so that it turned to physical manifestation through a severe nagging headache. The overthinker that I am, I have been wondering why this happened, how it reiterated what I think of to be true that my existence is worse than being banal/ futile. Incidentally that meeting, there was a lot of talk around signs. So, is it a sign that reinforces the idea that I do not matter – at all?

Fool that I am, I confessed on this hurting me to the other person who was in the meeting only to be told that I may not understand everyone has issues! With a clear conscience I can say I have never been under any illusion that others in the world are leading awesome lives! I have always maintained everyone has struggles. So how does someone think that I thought that way?!?

I do not understand what message people get from me! I am a people pleaser. I cannot ignore/brush off and walk away! I mull over everything (as I mentioned earlier overthinking is second nature to me). My loneliness drives me to ensure that I do not push anyone away & end up going out of my way many a times to help.

Now, I often am noticing hypocrisy and despite myself I keep quiet. If I speak up, I am named names! I seek clarity and receive none anywhere. So, I return here to pour out what I am thinking. Did I get any answers? Nope! Just a realisation that this is a space that I can pour my thoughts into. It does not ignore me, it may not respond to me but it feels like it is a silent listener. Maybe someone reading this can reach out and tell me something!!

Only thing I am left with after two days of mulling is that “I do not matter”

PS: My dear kid who I did rant about this to proved once more that he is way more mature, wise beyond his years….says who made that person king of wherever? Maybe he should just plainly tell his stupid mother that I do matter to him (which he did not! ) Sometimes reinforcement is required even for an old adult!??

Triggers

Well this is my second version. The first one got lost thanks to a power cut & bad UPS! Don’t ask :). Don’t know if this would be what I first sat to write. All I remember is the title… Rest was how I just type as I feel. 

Just as my life had been the run up to today Deepavali 2015 has been pretty good. Took yesterday off making it a long weekend. It also helped in my not braving the cyclone outside but sitting inside the confines of the house & enjoying it. 

Reminiscing about the festival back when we were in the colony (aka apartment complex of these days), collecting money to gift our shuttle driver, talking of clothes bought, making sweets & savouries under my mother’s supervision (also posted them on the recipe blog for future reference)… The cyclone made the time even more nostalgic. Power cuts forcing us to do things the old way. The inverter gave way  without charge & A got the sense of how it would be without the bright electricity driven lights. There is a beauty in the oil lamps that were lit a day before the festival thanks to the rains & TNEB. We just played, talked, read. We even went to a movie on Sunday driving in the rain. 

Now as the day & the festival is winding down…as A and I walked back down after watching the fireworks on the terrace, it hit me. It has been eight years. The last pictures I posted on A’s photo blog that I maintained religiously since he was born documenting moments – it was the Deepavali when we got back here to India. The kid loved watching the sparklers, flowerpots, chakras and shut his ears to the noisy crackers. Now he holds his own bursting them with enjoyment. He has said it would be his last year & next year on he would not even buy them. (Side note: he was amused at a print on the box that said made for a child not by a child). 

Eight years!! A friend warned me that even as life moves on, there would be triggers known & unknown that send you on that emotional roller coaster. Now I understand what he meant!! I really don’t know what that trigger is today! Is it me clearing up my whatsapp messages and noticing a friend responding to my sharing a piece of news that hurt me by saying “can you do something about it, if not move on!”  I know she has no clue how it feels and I must not get overwhelmed by that reaction of hers. Is it me posting on Instagram and then realising that a few though they follow don’t even acknowledge seeing the pics while happily asking me to check their pictures out saying I don’t share anything!!  Is it that friend who got so emotional and I listened to the whole outburst every time but hear that I must move on if I happen to share something?! Or is it the ubiquitous advice ” oh stay strong!”?? Seriously?!? When I hear this from some friend who supposedly has seen me battle everything all alone with absolutely no support – it takes a lot of that strength not to swear!! 

I may not be at a great place or even where I want to be but I am proud of getting here facing all that I have alone! If that is not strong I don’t know what is! May be I am not strong 🙂 if being emotionless is what it takes. I am human & I have not become a saint nor do I yearn to be one. I also do go through the gamut of emotions. I cannot be fake happy like how it looks like on Facebook or Instagram. 

Or may be it is that façade that people put up. It irks me to see those supposed BFFs or sister from another mother posts!! When one knows how much of a wannabe that person is! Well wondering if it is those who remember me when they need money & forget that it is not easy for me and would like it returned on time as promised, not making me feel bad about even broaching that subject. This particular thing hits me when I review my accounts. Taken for a fool again?! I have been told that I must not expect money back when I lend it out ( how I wish it was true if ever I borrow – hope that I don’t get put into that position! Touchwood ).  Or may be those who scoff at my being overly cautious about being even remotely optimistic! 

These are people triggers. There are calendar & event triggers too. 

Easier said than done. Ignore the triggers & live life. I do live life, wishing the triggers disappear. Hoping that the acceptance phase of DABDA stays forever & does not do this jumping to other phases now & then – triggers or not. 

Updates in life so far: none that matter. I was rebenched and now in a short term project. So gainfully employed till end of the year. 2016 no idea what it would bring or how this year would end! Met a few friends, made a few. There was one experience I wanted to write about…may be in another post. A going about his school life like an average kid with his ups & downs. I hope I can be good support to his triggers! I am amazed at the way he is growing & handling things that come his way. Guess the one thing he can’t handle yet is when I wish to give up & he knows that am edging there before I pull back. Love him & proud of him. I don’t say it enough!! 

I have troubled a few of my friends from school time, a couple of colleague friends and my friend who is a writer Laksh quite a lot with my meltdowns during this period. Kudos to them for tolerating me. May their tribe live long!! ( to endure more of me 😉 ). 

Pointless

I am not even going to check how long it has been since I posted here. Heck I hardly even read my favourite bloggers’ posts regularly like I used to. 

Everything just seems pointless. No, I am not saying everything in life has no ups whatsoever. I have laughs with A. Precious time indeed. Moments of light hearted happiness with kid, parents, friends – just moments. I must also admit I am keeping to myself more these days. Being less of a botheration or intrusion to others around me. I even avoid people. Irony to think what I am scared of is loneliness. 🙂 Guess I am getting prepared to cherish how my life will be!

My phone network is aiding too. I have absolutely no reception when am at home so no phone calls, no texts. I must learn to switch off from Internet too to delve into being by myself. I have no clue who still read this space. I know some who do & even care – Laksh, Anonymouse. You feature on top of that list. Thanks for being patient!! Means a lot. 

 Saw this picture somewhere. Stealing it. Credit to whoever posted it first.  
What has happened since I posted last? I got off my project knowing I have no future  there. I have this absolutely amazing “luck” when it comes to managers in my workplace. Have got another which I start tomorrow. I have no hopes of moving forward there. I will do my best like I always have. I won’t be surprised if after years am still where I am. Expect the worst, and if something remotely good happens-it is great!! 🙂 I can see the forever optimists frown. Well I don’t even want to explain. 

I participated in a group Bharatanatyam performance 12 years after I danced last. I loved it – the prep, the performance. I was told by a few that I was the only one who was fat. Can’t say it didn’t hurt. I know I am fat but hearing it was harsh! I have done everything except surgery to lose weight … Anyways yes I am fat!! 

Have been battling ill health, injury too ( yeah hilarious that I hurt my knee while I fell down walking!! 🙂 )

I forgot!! Stop asking me if I am dating. I live in Chennai – have not bumped into anyone who wants to be in a relationship forget serious! Oh I do bump into many jerks!! (Another reason for me to start enjoying solitude). And no it is not easy to just pack my bags & move elsewhere!! I wish I could sometimes but no!! 

I am not blind to what I have. So I am definitely in no mood to hear how blessed I am. That would be as pointless as my life seems to me now :). Yes I am smiling as I type that statement!! I have done the exercise of picturing myself in wonderful places wishing the universe to conspire to make it happen. A lot!! So no it has not worked. Probably the secret/ universe has not been let in that it must work for souls like me too. 

I hope to make peace with the pointlessness of what my life is! Accept that life can never be “normal”. This is my normal – wondering if I would ever find what it means to live this existence. Someday and wish it is sooner than later. I wish I could say I hope it does not become worse than it already is… But the pessimist in me is in full swing. I have to expect & prepare for something worse. Don’t know what it is. Will keep you posted – the few readers I have. 🙂 I endeavour to bore you all as long as I can. 

Battles…

I used to want to get it all. Argue, fight it out. Debate with every auto I got into about how they were swindlers. Nothing just went past!! 

I thought I had not changed. I have… Guess the adage is true! Change is the only constant thing in life. 🙂 Though still vocal about things that are wrong… I now decided to walk away from things I can avoid. 

Choose your battles wisely. After all, life isn’t measured by how many times you stood up to fight. It’s not winning battles that makes you happy, but it’s how many times you turned away and chose to look into a better direction. Life is too short to spend it on warring. Fight only the most, most, most important ones, let the rest go.

I have fought enough. Failed way too many times. May be that is why I am picking my battles now. 

Yeah I am being told that I am a coward, told I must face challenges, be an example to A… The list goes on. 

Funny how I seem to always be told how am supposed to do exactly the opposite to what I do! Always!! When I was fighting to save my marriage… Hey he has moved on. When I was trying to get my divorce done…. Hey think of A who needs a dad. I don’t want to work, am told it is wrong. I work then am told I don’t give enough time & attention to A. I get into disagreements with parents… Ignore them. I ignore… They are old why do you do that?? Makes it tougher for a typical libra like me!! 🙂

I am trying to find a balance. A cry to just let me be. If you can’t actually help … Do not advice. I am learning to accept what my life is. I have fought my entire life to keep changing it      . Now, I am tired of change. I know I can’t avoid whatever happens … But no am not going to volunteer to fight all battles. If I decide to walk away from one, so be it. 

If I am a coward, so be it. If I am weak, yes I am. It is not easy & yes I know life is not easy, Life is not fair. No one knows what is next… I have made many wrong choices, trusted wrong people. Can anyone assure me that they will help me always make the right choice?!  No is a resounding answer I hear. Will I trust anyone again? Highly doubt it! Way too many times I want to just shut off, save myself the trouble of interactions!! Am not a recluse by nature. Now, I want to be. Save myself the trouble!! 

There I go again… Screaming out thoughts inside my head!! 

Another year

This is the time of year when all of is look back at the year past; balance sheet it.
I can honestly say I didn’t want to, yet here I am doing so. Well that is me.
I must start off knowing my dear A is doing well! Apart from usual childhood bouts of cold/flu/fever; he has been my rock. One huge plus! Work front after a few bumps here and there is going on alright. Learning curve right now is huge but loving it.
Relationships have always been a sore point for me. This year is no exception. Not getting into details must say that it has been terrible. Especially the last few months. I wish I could erase it out. I have hope that it is not ruined completely. Hope they do say is the eternal spring of life. I definitely need it to carry on. I wish the very best to this particular person ( and despite all others saying otherwise I do believe/trust/ love; hope this is not a closed chapter but just a pause). I came across more hypocrites, judgemental people who claimed not to be so, kind hearted souls through this turmoil. I care less about society now than ever. I care even less about money which I found seems to be the driving force for many!!
I don’t know even remotely what is in store for me. I do wish for things but the realist in me kicks in and tells me to get a grip, tells me this is it; if at all it would only get worse.
A year older, none the wiser. Still in search and now don’t even know what I am in search for. God (if in existence) help me. More so my kid!
I do plan to take a few steps to change my life ( a little or drastic depends on the perspective I guess). For those who have endured me through not just this year but longer – thank you. Sheer gratitude for just staying & being there. Those who have left I hope it is not a goodbye forever. I do not prescribe to the “move on” attitude. If someone has crossed that line of being a friend from an acquaintance; it is not to say goodbye at another point. Life is too short to hold grudges. I am not perfect and don’t ever claim to be. In this short time why be hateful?
I would rather want to remember the good things about someone than their shortcomings.
This post has been out down with a heavy heart. Here is to hoping that few of my wishes take shape in this coming year.

Lost…

It has been over a month since I last posted. I must say for a long time now I have tried to keep to myself. Even when I did post, I did not really reveal about what my mind was going through. Result of a close friend who induced the thought process into me saying do not be so open. Do not tell everything to everyone. I slowly tried to learn that lesson. That probably explains the dearth of posts on my blog too. I don’t think I have any readers even!!

Anyways today, I decided to just put something down today. This probably will be vague and make no sense whatsoever to most (if at all there is anyone out there who does) who read this.

I don’t know if I am doing right by keeping things to myself, not sharing anything to anyone. The person who did ask me to do this is a close friend who is no longer in town. I miss having the person around. We do skype now and then but long distance relationships…well…that is that. Don’t know about that one! In my confusion of what the heck I am doing, I shut a really good friend out of my life. Sorry (if you are reading this!) I still don’t know why I did that or whether it is right or wrong. I did that right when we were reconnecting after quite a few years. Another friend who i have known for years now, is just confusing me saying nothing is different, but is unavailable if I call or ping. I don’t want to be disturbing my friends. I know they all have their own lives and are really busy. They will ping me when they feel like it. Sometimes I feel like I am just waiting for a ping sometime…desperate to get one text or call…then I feel disappointed when I don’t get any or when someone does not even respond to my ping. I wonder why I even have a phone these days. My facebook/twitter activity is minimal.

In all honesty, I just feel lost & really lonely. My job is going on alright. A is doing pretty well. Thank God! I don’t know why then I feel the way I do. I just know that I feel like I have no one. There are days I just want to give up. Off late, I feel this a lot more. I feel like if I switched my phone off, went away somewhere there probably will be no one who will miss me. I am pathetic & I know that too!!

I don’t know when or if I will ever post again. I don’t know anything any more. I will live for A and do my best for him. That is all I know. I exist and will keep doing that. I must just stop expecting anything from anyone. I don’t think I’ll be happier, but I will definitely not feel as hurt as I do right now.

PS: I know there are many out there who are at a position worse off than I am – knowing that does not take the pain/hurt I feel. Sorry!! Sorry they are going through hell, their hell but it does not make mine feel like heaven. No siree!

Neither here nor there!

This post has been coming for quite some time now! I have shared this with some people I know about how I don’t feel like I belong. It was not that I felt like I belonged in the US when I was there. I was adapting to the life and learning to love the weather, the people – Many friends who were there who shared my dilemma or did not (I mean those who got the opportunity to work there).  It was not a great life, but it was supposedly my home. I put in my time to work on it, decorate & maintain it. Put in thoughts to make it feel like a home – welcomed friends to home cooked meals, hopefully made them feel nice. I did not like American football. To me, football would always be their soccer. Though, I was initiated into it by a friend who taught his kids’ school teams. I remember one time when we had friends over for the Superbowl when the guy taught P the nuances of the game and he was surprised I had picked up so much in just a conversation in some summer barbeque. We had watched the game over Indian food, red wine & awesome cheese,  pleasant company.

I digress….anyways…the point is after almost 5 or 6 years, I guess I had actually grown roots there. Fast forward to now! I am living under my aging parents roof facing divorce (phew …even I am tired of saying “soon to be ex” when I talk about P) I have been hearing about how he has been packing my stuff since Dec ’06, how he has been talking to the lawyers since only he knows when!! I am yet to receive the papers or our stuff! Life has been weird here. Bittersweet in a way. Found new friends in fellow bloggers. We connect well. They care a lot for A & me….still I feel lonely. Desparate. Feel like I don’t belong here now. Another 5 year haul to grow roots here with A in tow?! I am scared of facing this conservative society – when they hear of divorce it is my fault! At 32, without many skills to boast of , I don’t know where I am headed. I have realised that it is each to one’s own. Everyone is busy, they have their lives. I was one who let go of everything if a friend asked me for help or just called to talk. Guess, back in the US, friends become family. Here I have a family. They are concerned…I know that but are not always considerate because of their own circumstances. Friends are at a loss for even words. No one knows what to say. I am not trying to play the victim here and enjoying it as one person told me. Believe me it is not fun being the victim. Just plain fact that things are not easy. I feel like I don’t belong.

I feel like I left my friends behind there but when I read their blogs or chat with them, I no longer relate to them or their lifestyle/attitude even. I feel like I have no one here in India. I know my parents would rather not have me here at their place; but they are glad I am not somewhere suffering alone. They can’t do much but they can provide a safe shelter. They don’t know what they must do except know that their daughter & grandkid must not suffer. I don’t speak much to my parents because it mostly ends in confrontations ( a whole different post…probably will never get written!) I am just tired of being the depressed person that needs to crib to friends. I feel like I am pushing them away. They don’t know what to say because I don’t want to hear clichés or talk about karma /God/ time. Nobody can really help me out in a way either.I know I have A. Though I know that he right now is more of a responsibility; I cannot think of how I would manage if P stops sending the money that he is sending me right now! What then? My parents have no income and are living off their savings. So, A, unless I am financially stable, makes me think I made a huge mistake having him. Live in the present people might say….then when I am broke tomorrow, how do A & I live?

Just a day when I think it must all end!