Typical thought that comes to me :)

I have lot of friends and many are really close to me and I treasure each one of them. So, when somebody asks me about my best friend, there are times I am flummoxed!!! I cannot choose just one among quite the number I hold close to my heart. I also wonder when people give a long list when asked about their best friend.

Wonder whether when it comes to friendship, the term “superlative” loses its meaning…or may be the word “best” is just superlative in term…not really the one or the only one?!? So when someone gives a list of friends as being the best – is it because they are the best among the group of friends??

I just end up saying a “really close friend” instead of using the term “best friend” ๐Ÿ™‚ Maybe I am being too bothered by grammar?!? Setback of havng a literature major as a mother I suppose ๐Ÿ˜‰

This thought might sound utterly stupid (like many others!! )…but still felt I should pen it down. ๐Ÿ˜€

Disappointments and Expectations

Ideally a life with absolutely no expectations whatsoever will be happy. Though, is it really possible to not expect anything at all?? I have this really close friend who knew about a certain event. Automatically, I expected this person to call me and find out how things went. And was disappointed that never happened. Not a peep!!?? Eventually when the question was put forth, I was reluctant to answer….felt like the person was not really interested, not bothered to find out earlier; why should I even think of relating what happened? I probably ended up disappointing that person! Eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth is it??

In effect, I realised that I could never let go of expectations in life. From minor to major ones. So, I guess I should also expect disappointments that come along with them! Or I should learn to live like a saint and not expect anything! Don’t think either of these are possible ๐Ÿ™‚

Views

I was put into my thought mode by a remark made by one of my friends today. She remarked how funny it is to see that there are people who see you in suchย diametrically opposite views. I have often fretted over what the other person thinks of me (I should rather say it in the present tense! ๐Ÿ˜‰ ). I have this urge to please everyone, fit into everyone’s purview. Hence am always in a dilemma ๐Ÿ˜€

I realise that it is not funny that people have suchย clashing attitudes toward you – to each one’s own. Just that personally, I end up trying hard to make them see me in proper light much to my own chagrin usually. I guess like some of my well wishers tell me, let anyone think whatever they want about you or think whatever….you be who you are and do what you do. Do not bother about others unless they have been proven to really care about your welfare and earned your trust.

My problem : I trust everyone! Give people more chances if they betray the trust….then I get singed. Still have not learnt my lesson! Is it that bad to trust someone? Is it not worse for the other person to break it?? Why do I feel I am answerable to all and sundry? I get so worked up if even one individual cannot get it!ย  I feel irritated, depressed, angry…just go through a gamut of emotions….Do I need to feel accepted that much? Boy!! Something is wrong with me! I need help!!! and sooooon before I dig my own grave. Sometimes feel like I am halfway through already! My train of thought puts me in a really self-destructive thought process sometimes. I suppose I should be patient (as I said am far from it) and positive (again poles apart!! pessimist to the core except am such an optmist when it comes to other people ๐Ÿ˜‰ )

Scrabble and thought process!!!

Ok here goes…this is how bizarre my thought process is. Was playing Scrabble with my best friend (who happens to be really good at the game!) I started the game and my letters were UIBAALP…Was trying to put all the letters on…and the only word I could come up with was ‘ABULIA’. Now don’t really know how that hit my brain at that point of time…but this is what it means….”Loss or impairment of the ability to make decisions or act independently. ” Was telling my friend I probably suffer from it ๐Ÿ˜€ She answered I was delusional. I told her I was told that I suffer from another psychiatric disorder by another who had read quite a few books on the disorder. This led to my friend telling me she has read so many books on assassinations that does not make her an expert on the matter!

This led me thinking….how we sometimes tend to read some books , or watch TV on some disease and many a times, decide we suffer from the disease!!! Was told by a friend who is a doctor that when they were students, thought they suffered from each and every disease they were studying about! At the time I heard this, I found it ridiculous!!

Just thought how weird one’s thought process can lead to really bizarre and mostly stupid conclusions. One thing though… feel nobody is perfect…it is the degree that differs in each ๐Ÿ˜€

Now another thought I had today was overwhelming. I am so pleased that I am grinning ear to ear since I saw that two of my friends have given this to me – A-kay & Laksh.
Nice Matters Award

I thank them both for making my day. Give it right back to them. I also give this to Raaga, Swaminathan , Yogs, LG, Usha, Sangi, Gokul, Kurinji, Anand Gadre, GKa, Karthik, Nana, Prasanna,…quite a few non-bloggers (list is kinda long….but lately some of them have been really nice to me and some have been the nicest people ever since I got to know them!)

Thanks a lot for being in my life and being more than nice to me.

I have to change!

I think I have written how other people’s opinions about me have affected me a lot. Lately, even a small trigger puts me in that rotten cycle of self- doubt and unnecessary self-criticism that pulls me down. Worse is I end up crying to people who care about me and stand by me ruining their mood and day because of a lousy comment by someone who just has nothing else to do.

A wise friend of mine said that I try to please everyone and high time I stopped doing that. And another said I should move on and let go on my own terms for my own good….not just because some one says something is over and I have to move on.

I know that now, I am wee bit wiser; I would have wallowed in the negative emotions from remarksย for a long time. I don’t seem to that now. The immediate impact is there, but slowly I realise it is not worth bothering about it. It is this immediate impact which I am talking about. I have to change to the effect to just ignore. I must learn to bother about only people who are there to really help me and truly care about me.

Should realise that words would hurt, but learn which ones to really take into consideration and which to just brush off. I am older and no wiser in this. Poor judge of people ๐Ÿ˜ฆ Hope I learn and quickly!!! just to avoid tormenting the well- wishers I have around me with my depression ๐Ÿ™‚ But I also realise that these comments that I hear….it is just the beginning and I have a long way to go with lots more to hear. My son, parents and friends are standing by me at these tough times.ย  Hope I can change for them and learn to ignore.

Madras …

Today’sย The Hinduย  Metro Plus carried two articles which captured my attention. One was on whether Madras is conservative? and another on kolams in the personality column titled L’Affaire Kolam.

Both articlesย are well written. Just enjoyed them both; hence this entry.

Since I cannot find the link to the Kolam article…will give a gist. It is about a French visual artist Severine Bourguignon whose views are written. She takes photographs of the kolams going in and around Chennai. She calls it a fragile art form with remnants definitely being washed off the next day.Artform without ego! She calls it ๐Ÿ™‚ and quotes how it reinforces Indian belief in the Gita – the detachment and peace that accompany doing things without pride or possessiveness about the deed or its fruit. The journalist says that Severine’s focus daws our gaze into our ingenuity of our ancestors who developed this practice – as combination of aesthetics, physical exercise, concentration, math concepts, communication, spirituality and detachment!

Well…after reading both articles I was more proud to call myself a Madrasi ๐Ÿ™‚ and one who knows the art of kolam to an extent ๐Ÿ™‚ In my mind, Madras is a bit conservative in its thoughts though it is progressing otherwise. I feel that the basic values form the core of the society. Madrasis would embrace modern stuff with elan; but when it comes to certain things, atleast when it comes to their personal life; they do get very conservative. I remember seeing a programme on TV about marriages and how everywhere else, it is the couple who decides entirely about the marriage and even pitch in to pay whereas in good old Madras; majority is where the parents do everything – including deciding the future daughter-in-law or son-in-law. Now do we call that conservatism or tradition?? Am confused ๐Ÿ˜€ as usual. I agree though with the journalist Madhurika Sankar that it piques me when someone says Madras is boring and have asked people what is it that they can do elsewhere that they cannot here?!

The kolam bit…I used to feel sad when the kolam I took sometimes hours to finish gets washed off by rain within minutes wishing it had stayed till the next day when we can work our brains all over again – I never thought of all the deep stuff that had been written; detachment, Gita and stuff. Guess I just did what our ancestors have been doing without giving any more thought to it. The article atleast has put some fodder to my idle brain ๐Ÿ˜€

Rains!!

I love rains..especially here in good old Chennai. There have been days when my mother used to warn me and ask me to carry a raincoat which went unheeded just because I love getting wet in the rain. (It is not like the chilly rains back in the US! ) The rains here bring down the temperature which is soooo welcome!!

For the past few days, it has been raining. Very unseasonal. Madras does not have south-west monsoons…it has north-east monsoons that come later during the year around october-november; generally dampening Deepavali celebrations ๐Ÿ˜‰ (btw, hope I got the ย names of the directions right…digging it out of my long lost geography texts ๐Ÿ˜€ ) I love it that the sweltering heat has come down a wee bit. I got wet in the rain too one day ๐Ÿ˜‰

Thing is…I don’t know what it is with the weather Gods and laying of our neighbourhood roads. Just when they top the roads, it rains!! Back to square 1 with regards to the state of the roads….Why does it never rain when we want it to? ๐Ÿ™‚ Like life in general I suppose D Nothing occurs when you need it most ๐Ÿ˜‰

Numbers! :)

I remember writing about what my son used to say for eleven…onety!! Now he is a bit older and wiser? so he has learnt to say eleven. The reason for this post is…his numbers now go thus – eleven, twelve, three teen, fourteen, five teen and so on ๐Ÿ˜€

It does gets you thinking that learning numbers might be easier like this…whoever thought of thirteen and fifteen??!!

A tag!

I am taking this tag from Laksh (Musings) up voluntarily just because it is different, makes me think “zara hat ke”

List 5-10 things that you have in common with the human race and/or nature.

1.ย ย I have a mother and a father.
2. I breathe, eat, sleep, think.
3. I love, hate and ignore (at times ๐Ÿ˜‰ ) people, things and events.
4. I was born one day and will die someday.
5. I grow everyday (physically unfortunately sideways now;) and mentally…)

List 5-10 things that you may have in common with the human race and/or nature.

1. I shed what is old to move forward (atleast wish to do so ๐Ÿ˜€ )
2. I relax with music (heard even tomatoes grow bigger when music is played to them. )
3. I love nature (wonder whether it loves me back!?!)
4. I wish to make a positive impact on some one’s life and try do something to that effect whenever I can – donate blood, pledge to donate my organs if they can be harvested, be there for my family & friends when they need me.
5. I want people to like me, accept me ๐Ÿ™‚

Don’t really know if this is what the tag requires. I just went by what I thought looking at Laksh’s response…I cheated too ๐Ÿ˜‰

Things that matter!

Don’t know if I have already posted this thought I have in my mind. How things in life makes you push your priorities around?! At one point in time just recently, getting to do my masters, losing weight were my major priorities. Now, just having a place to call my home has become a priority. One priority that never changed though through all this is to give the best to my son. I feel like a failure because I cannot really meet my own goals in that – I can give excuses saying, what I am talking about here is not exactly entirely my fault; but still does not change a thing.

My studies have taken a major backseat. Can’t afford neither do I have the time for it juggling the rest of my life and A’s. Losing weight – well it is becoming a major joke…even the mere thought. I should be glad if I don’t add on more because of all the stress.

There are days when I feel it better get over and I can truly move on. The days when I want toย weep my heart out and want someone to just listen to me weep (a shoulder to cry on bigger than my son’s ๐Ÿ˜ฆ ) Off late, the latter emotion is coming through more often (Poor A!!!) A needs to grow older faster than kids his age to manage me I suppose and to really face what he has to!! I hope I don’t fail as a mother majorly ๐Ÿ˜ฆ Scares the hell out of me.

I am losing focus on what matter now! Taking my frustrations out on A (have no one else to do that to…poor thing!) I so want to get out of this position in life and see something nice in life for a change. As I have said, I want to get done with troughs; want to see a teeny weeny crest atleast!!! Don’t even know how I can get there! Am lost! ๐Ÿ˜ฆ