The future?

I like checking out my horoscope. I sometimes do it at the end of the day, wondering if the prediction matched my day 🙂 There are those days when the horoscope is so vague when I wonder why I keep up with this idiosyncrasy!?!? Today is one such day!

How I wish there is some place which tells me this is what you can expect in your life. Don’t want total accuracy; just a guideline?! I am just so tired of living each day as it comes not knowing what is in store for me (and my son by default now!) Is a peaceful life too much to ask for? When will I get that?

Walking on landmines!

I guess I understand what that means now….I wish I could elaborate in detail; but just wanted to pen down what I am going through now.  Don’t really know what A and I have done to deserve this phase in our lives. I just want us to lead a peaceful life, me enjoying A’s growing years and giving him the best I can.

Wonder if I can, when there was a day when I could not even assure him and me of a proper roof above our heads!!! Keep thinking what I should have done differently…

Questions throng my mind with no answers anywhere!!! My fears of pulling A with me into the abyss haunts me every minute of the day!

This is my crib of the moment(?!)….hope it comes to a stop soon – one way or another.

Boy!! oh! Boy!!!

I have written about how I used to get annoyed/amused at how people used to be surprised that I was conversant in English when I was back in the US.

Now, I am facing the reverse of that! There are people who come up and tell me now; “oh your English is good because you were in the US for a while!” No matter how much I tell them that all I did was cook & clean all those years, they seem to stick to their idea!

Another thing; I was told I have an American accent at times. Now, I don’t know if I really have one or whether others perceive that ….like how they think I learnt my english back in the US?!?!

Quiet time!

I pride myself in being able to be chirpy, talkative and full of energy making new friends, keeping the old ones. Today though, was  one of those days….when I have decided that I should be quiet – keep to myself…people around me also said I talk too much and that I could not keep quiet.

So, I have decided that from tomorrow onwards, I am not going to talk to anyone unless it is something vital. I have done this several times before…when I just went into my own shell; went about my work. so, gonna do that all over again 🙂

The garrulous me is going into hibernation 😉

Thought to ponder!

Idealism is what precedes experience; cynicism is what follows.  – David T. Wolf

I log into my iGoogle page and this is the Quote of the day. How apt I thought!

When I entered my married phase in life…it was all idealistic – Death do us part types; especially having grown up thinking that marriages were forever. I never really had this Prince Charming would come etc.., type of dreams…but did think that when I got married, it would be forever.

Now after 7 odd years, and an impending divorce; cynicism fills my mind – not just about marriage, but anything surrounding it. Wonder if this cynicism would ever go away?!?

The only good thing out of this is my son I treasure. I would never give him up and hope that he grows out to be a better individual with proper values in life.

Inflation, Indian Middle Class & George Bush!

I am not really a very politcally active person – don’t really have strong view points, I just enforce my franchise (waiting on my voter’s ID now 🙂 ) but…this!!!! I don’t see this as being political even…Is it just another of Mr.Bush’s gaffes??

George Bush on Indian Middle class consumption – I was pretty much outraged by this remark … Actually I also found it pretty ridiculous.

I understand that world economy is all interlinked etc.., am not much of an economist or anything close to it…Still one can just not hear something like this from a world leader!!!

Inflation is high in India too….hope there is no slugfest with leaders blaming the US for something!?! Though I guess we should expect that pretty soon?!?

Big Fish

Yes, this is an entry based on the movie. Big Fish was a movie I loved when I saw it the first time. Went on to get the DVD of it too (don’t have it with me like so many of my other things – thanks to someone who would no longer be in our lives by his choice)

I am mentioning this and the person as I am watching the movie on TV now. The movie is about the father- son relationship. I am keying this in with a lump in my throat that my son would not have this or anything close to it as he would not have this person around. I am wondering how I would explain his absence when A starts questioning me. I wonder if I can be both the mother and the father  as he grows up.

People say God gives only what one can handle; this still does not stop me from self- doubt. I want to give the best to A like any other parent would want to for the kid. I just hope I succeed and never let A feel like he missed something or someone ever!

I had never cried in movies….today though after watching Big Fish; I had tears in my eyes. May be I have changed?!?  I still like the movie though.

 

Ripple Effects – a reply…

http://www.lakshmusings.com/musings/2008/05/01/ripple-effect/#comments

Hey Laksh….Replying to your post here instead of as a comment…

I was never asked to do the weekly enna kuliyal…though I loved the way amma used the sambrani, the smell…miss that actually (and loved it when amma used to make chutta appalam on the coal adupu after …yummy!!!)
To the hairstyling bit; again I was left to myself and my ideas as long as I did not cut my hair 😀 I did when I was in twelfth, and amma actually called my father to let him know I did that!!! An international call in those days just for this!! 🙂 Huge hungamma, my dance teacher also flipped with a dance programme in the offing 😀

Have definitely tried different lengths since then… Have my hair shoulder length right now; can let it loose; still put in a band because of the oppressive heat! Realised then, that maybe that is why letting hair loose is frowned upon apart from hair falling all over the place!

There sure is some wisdom behind all those rules most of the time which I am learning. May be some have lost their essence over time; like not using a needle after sun down…