divorce · emotions · life

Been a year!

It is a year since A and I left our lives as we knew it for a “vacation”. Little did we know that it was us being banished. Thing is I never knew that it was so until december last! I was sent away with the idea that I would be back in two months; lies, deception about the delays to get the “visa approval” ( never applied for!). Finally the bombshell early december after much coaxing. It shattered me. I tried bargaining my way back thinking A would miss having a complete family around while growing up. The B phase of DABDA that my good friend mentions in his blog? Anger is something that is still simmering. Losing 7 odd years in my life while I was thinking we were working everything out and was made to believe that everything was fine – cannot really put into words of how I feel.

Starting my life back from scratch, sent away to live with my parents at an age where one wants a place to call her own.  There are many days when I feel that A is a huge burden and am scared of failing at some point and being blamed entirely. I am terrified when I think of the impact this is going to have on him; terrified when I think of my life once he sets on his path. I cannot even sit alone for a few minutes; growing old alone?!?! I am tired of facing the society here where it is blasphemy still and a divorce is my fault and nothing but. The funny part is; the guy who did all the drama to put me in this spot has not filed for it yet! I am scared of what he is plotting now to ruin me further if at all it is possible. All my dreams/ aspirations shelved forever. Hurts more because I had no clue whatsoever! I had been fooled like many others that he is a good father who puts his son first ( after all he supposedly had a bad childhood with a strict dad), the promises he made while marrying me (he stopped smoking for me!) He turns around and says I was fool to believe all that he said! I am told I am fool to have trusted my husband.

I am a fool. I just cannot get smarter! All I hope now is that he files for the divorce (uncontested as he is filing in the US) and does not hurt me more. Leaves A to be with me, gives money so I can give the best to my son. I cannot afford anything with my pay and the rising inflation in India. I cannot even think of living on my own with the paltry pay I get now; or even appoint a caretaker. The last thing I ever wanted to do was to trouble my parents in their old age; and they are stuck with us. My father has to take care of A and my bedridden mother – no choice! Now, my husband is sending money which I am saving up in the fear that it will stop sometime soon. I have asked him to be honest & forthright at least now – he does not bother to answer even his mails!

I am fighting to get A’s & my stuff back here. Don’t know if he would ever send anything…documents, toys, clothes, misc. People tell me I am being petty, I should just let it be; not ask for all that back…my question is why? After all, those things are ours (many things paid for by my parents) or things that I got for A to grow up with!

I am being a fool; when the guy cannot reply to a lousy mail; I expect him to send everything and be decent?!? I am just torn between I want nothing to do with him to I need money to take care of A to what would happen to A as he grows up. How do I face his questions?!? How do I answer all the comments I face in society here (even wearing clothes the way I chose to is scrutinised!) How would A face everything?! He has been having a low grade fever now, acts up and the doctor says that it is probably more psychological than physical as he is dealing with my absence too when I am away at work (I had written earlier that I did not want to go work till A was settled but I need to now!) I have stopped believing in God. I have stopped believing there is anyone out there. I just know that I have to be here for A.

I had battled with the urge to write all this earlier. Every trauma sometimes would egg me on to write an entry. I stopped myself. I did not want to pour out like I have; but today, I decided not to listen to the voice that is asking me to stop or to some well-meaning friends who asked me as to how much I want to bear out.  Why? I want people to know that all is not well and happy. Do not trust others. Since this has been happening, I have heard stories that are even worse (women with infants left on the streets in the heights of cold winters etc…,) I don’t want to count my blessings or listen to any cliché. This is a vent out of depression/anger and a warning to anyone who are placing faith on someone else even those “friends” who you pour your heart out to and end up singed!

I do want to thank those who have stood by me and A- My mother especially even in her state of health has been a pillar of support.

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24 thoughts on “Been a year!

  1. Hugs!

    I totally think it is OK for you to vent. Therapeutic even. Every body needs to get things off their system. If there are not enough people around to talk to or lend their shoulders, writing does help. It is my foolproof method to keep myself sane.

    What you are going through is a lot. I do believe you should fight for and get everything that is yours and A’s by right. What P did is horrendous and inhumane. I can understand the need for divorce if two people do not get along well but the lies and the deception is what is unforgivable.

    I hope you will find the strength to carry on. For your sake and for A’s. You are right in that your parents are your pillar of support. I truly hope there will be a day when you can look back and shrug everything off.

  2. Hugs Apar! Laksh has said everything that I wanted to say – just want to reiterate it again. It perfectly FINE to vent out and we all need to do that every once in a while – everyone has a vent and yours can be your blog. I really hope that all this comes to an end now, with you getting the divorce and leading a cam, peaceful life with A.

    I know, for sure, that you will bring up A just fine and don’t think too far ahead into the future, my dear! Take it one day at a time. I definitely believe that there will be a day when you will look back and be glad that all this is over and be at peace with the life that you are leading then.

  3. Hi – read your post. I can see the pain you’re going through and your anxiety with regards to the many things you have mentioned. It’s sad that you had to go through all this. However, don’t lose faith in either God or humanity. This is precisely when you shouldn’t lose faith. If you are angry, use that energy to live well – that’s the best revenge. You have control over certain things and don’t have control over many things. Time will heal everything – you can accelerate it by scrutinizing every second of your life and making sure something good and positive, however small, comes out of each moment.

    Nothing wrong in venting it out. I would urge you to vent out whatever that comes to your mind every morning, either in a private blog or on a few pieces of paper. Nobody needs to read them after you write – write and vent without inhibitions. It will be a cathartic experience and you’ll slowly flush out all the negative feelings and thoughts away from your system and clear the day for better activities. There is a guaranteed way to bring about a positive change in your life as it is right now – write positive things – things that are dependent on you (however wild they are, it doesn’t matter), though you may not believe in them at first. force yourself to write things like “I am totally fine”, “I’m a great mother and A will be a great son to me”, “I see myself leading a wonderful life, loving the people around me”, “I see myself securing a wonderful job that pays all my bills”, etc. The idea is to keep everything in the present tense. Imagine that these things occur to you in the present, not in the future. These are commonly called positive affirmations and have been proven to be very powerful in enabling people to achieve whatever they want. Only you should summon the strength to write them every morning without questioning their purpose. Thoughts lead to actions and actions will transform your life and solve all your miseries. Slowly but surely, minimize your dependency on your ex.

    As written in the previous comment, you and A will be totally fine and you’ll be amazed at the opportunities that open up in your life henceforth.

  4. Hugs Apar! Laksh and A-kay have said everything I want to say.

    I wonder too how I will face my daughter’s questions, but have decided to tackle when it comes, I’m just taking each day at a time. And society can take a walk, they are not taking care of my daughter. It sucks big time that i have to depend on my parents now, but one step at a time. Believe that there is light at the end of the tunnel

    My office has a home based model, thanks to which I can work from home. I understand you are in Chennai. we have a chennai office too and If you are interested you could join too. I work as a recruitment consultant form home. all you will need is a phone, a comp and an internet connection. It doesn’t pay much, but it helps cause I get to see my daughter everyday. And she knows i’m nearby. so let me know, perfectimperfectblog(at)gmail(dot)com.

    Get your self a lawyer, a good one!

  5. Thanks Laksh,Akay, Imp’s Mom & Anush. I am trying my best to live in the present, but there are days when it is way too overwhelming and the smallest of triggers sends me on a cascade!! Positive thinking as suggested – I have a long way to go! The lawyer -that is one thing out of my hands; P is filing for divorce in NY. I am here in Chennai with limited resources. He actually had suggested a mediation lawyer; been asking him about that ever since – no response. Exasperating!!

  6. Kavalai padatha, Aparna. You’ve proved yourself strong & resilient, and the worst is over.
    Be patient. You have your treasure with you; don’t worry about anything else.
    There is no point contacting someone who doesn’t respond. Time will elicit a response; it may be an unexpected manner, but a response will usually come with time.

  7. Hello appu,pls dont worry! i understand…be strong…we love you…as much as I know you.you have the most precious one with you A needs you and u need him.i did not expect this…You are a strong beutiful woman.i just read yr blog.dont get dejected .i know these words are from yr heart.i thought u were busy .Please be strong…i dont want to my friend with a heavy heart.

    you are a smart strong girl…i know you,even if i had no much connections.i feel it.Pls keep in touch with me.

  8. Hi Apar,
    I am a regular at Laksh’s musings and occasionally see you there. chanced upon here , blog hopping yesterday afternoon when I needed bit of break from crazy work schedule. I could not help but think of you and A through yesterday and I am still angry. I can imagine ( probably can’t) how angry you feel. the fact that he send you guys away pretending as a vacation, broke my heart so much. Girl, please collect all your might and bring up A well. the guy who treated you so badly, will have the last laughs when he sees that you are living life miserably and that’s what wants, may be. Please don’t give him that chance, prove him completely wrong and make him miserable, how better off he was when he had you and A with him. Each one of us has hidden strengths which we never had chance to use and therefore we don’t know that exist. You can find them Apar in you. 7 yrs and the last year; just write it off. Every day wake up with the image of a fine man you have brought up, A and sure one day that image will be a reality. keep dreaming, keep your faith. It’s not important to please everybody; make sure you please yourself (it’s not a sin); self pity is no solution.

    you are in my prayers, wishing your mom better health too. wishing A tons of joy; he will be proud to have a mother like you.

    My apologies if I said too much specially when we don’t know each other. I don’t write well either; but wanted to tell you that you can do it.

    God bless
    shy

  9. Swami: I just really hope that the worst is over and I have stopped mailing him even.
    Bhu: Thanks…I am getting way better than what I was 🙂 Will definitely ping you and you can too when we are online. If busy, would let you know 🙂
    Shy: I have seen your comments on Laksh’s blog. Thanks for your prayers, like I tell everyone else; let God (if She/He exists) listen to you at least 😀 And I am trying to learn that it is not important to please everybody; I should be content and make A feel secure & happy. Doing this. Hope I succeed. Thanks for stopping by.

  10. Apar,

    I was a regular visitor at your food blog and also heard a lot about you from Laksh(when she came visiting you here). One day chanced upon this blog from Laksh’s blog and realised with a shock your state of affairs. Reading this today confirmed what I had suspected for long and my heart goes out to you and little A. Like the others have mentioned in the comments, keep the faith and be strong. Things will iron out with time and you will emerge the winner.

    I am sure with your parent’s support you will get through this just fine and hopefully look back and shrug on all of this.

    Hugs to you and little A. If you need any help at all (I am a good friend of Laksh’s) from us here, please don’t hesitate to let us know.

    Lakshmi

  11. I truly feel for you – this is a terrible situation for someone to find one-self in! My thoughts and best wishes are with you and your little one!

    But do not stop at accepting the situation and waiting what happens next! Instead, actively seek to educate yourself on your rights and the legal avenues open to you.

    And, you DO have rights!!! No man must ever have the power to strip a woman of her rights as an equal human being!!! Remember, the powers of Shakti and Kali are inside every woman! There is no creature so fierce or dangerous as a mother fighting to protect her child.

    The internet is a wonderful place to learn things….after having read your moving post, I have checked out some discussion fora about international divorce laws. There are many. Since I don’t know the specifics of your situation, I was not sure what exactly to look for, but… an ‘expert’ advised a woman living in Tel-Aviv while her husband lived in India that this site is a great starting place for people in her (or similar) situation to educate themselves about international laws governing divorce between people who reside in different countries: http://www.international-divorce.com/

    Hopefully, this will help you and be a good starting place!

    Never give up, never surrender! Learn about the laws and use them to fight for your and your child’s rights (like ensuring legally mandated child support, so it will NOT dry up at an unreliable person’s whim)! Laws are your shield and your sword – and there are international laws governing divorce that can protect you both.

    You say your husband is filing in the US – there is no need for this to go uncontested. You can retain a lawyer in the US, even if you are not a citizen or do not legally reside there. It would cost money, true, but where there is a will, there is a way.

    And as you learn and win (as I have no dubt you will), write about it here! Share your experience and wisdom. You yourself have said there are other women in similar, or even worse, situations. Just consider how you could improve their lives if you could help them learn how to help themselves!

    Good luck to you!

  12. Lakshmi, Xanthippa: Your support is very much appreciated and treasured. I am just hoping that A and I get out of this without any further damage in any way possible 🙂 and somehow think we definitely will. Jerks exist is what I have learned. And as for time & patience; I just hope I learn that art of waiting. Never really been a patient person. Guess it is high time I did.
    I hope to write and share what I go through in life – highs and lows, lessons learned, thoughts that come to my mind, ramblings – a vent for me, may be help for someone else out there?!
    As for my food blog, I hope to update that also. Been a long while since I did that!! 😉

  13. I read Xanthippa’s wonderful advise above. What happened to you is so unfair, and so outrageous. Why would someone behave like this! My best wishes and I hope you fight and win. Do continue to blog, its an outlet and you have so many friends here who are always here for you. Hugz.

  14. Indianhomemaker: Thanks. I am fighting the way I can; don’t know if I am winning?! Why some one would behave like this? Been trying to find out with no results. Will definitely let all know when I do 😀 The blogging, yes there are times when I wonder whether I must or not! There have even been people who keep asking me if I have to be so open and say all. I feel I must so people know that such things are out there!

  15. Hey, I did a little search and found this entr on your blog. I’m surprised and sad at the same time. I want to know more but I guess things are too private. I feel for you and A. I urge you to stay strong and see him and yourself through this situation.

    Love & Hugs.

    (A worried Kris)

  16. Kris: Have sent u a mail 🙂

    Nova: I will have to. Thanks! I hope A will turn out better and not prove the “apple does not fall from the tree” thingie! 🙂

  17. i am late to comment but i want to tell you only one thing!!

    “May God (even if you don’t believe in him/her!) be with you always and give you strength to over come this phase of your life!!”

  18. Sakhi: Welcome here and thank you. Don’t know but have off late been feeling that there is no God. If there was One, He/She has abandoned me and my son…or so I feel. I know I have to count my blessings; but telling times, the blessings seem way too meagre! 😦

  19. Hi Aparna,

    I chanced upon your blog recently. Have been reading all your posts and I feel that you are a very strong woman. I just wanted to let you know that I have come to admire you a lot.

    My best wishes to you and your little one

    Regards,
    RT

    1. Welcome here RT! Thanks a lot….There are days when I rant and people end up saying I am not that strong. Self doubt creeps in! The whole cycle which pushes me right back into depression happens. Thanks again. 🙂

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