It is a year since A and I left our lives as we knew it for a “vacation”. Little did we know that it was us being banished. Thing is I never knew that it was so until december last! I was sent away with the idea that I would be back in two months; lies, deception about the delays to get the “visa approval” ( never applied for!). Finally the bombshell early december after much coaxing. It shattered me. I tried bargaining my way back thinking A would miss having a complete family around while growing up. The B phase of DABDA that my good friend mentions in his blog? Anger is something that is still simmering. Losing 7 odd years in my life while I was thinking we were working everything out and was made to believe that everything was fine – cannot really put into words of how I feel.
Starting my life back from scratch, sent away to live with my parents at an age where one wants a place to call her own. There are many days when I feel that A is a huge burden and am scared of failing at some point and being blamed entirely. I am terrified when I think of the impact this is going to have on him; terrified when I think of my life once he sets on his path. I cannot even sit alone for a few minutes; growing old alone?!?! I am tired of facing the society here where it is blasphemy still and a divorce is my fault and nothing but. The funny part is; the guy who did all the drama to put me in this spot has not filed for it yet! I am scared of what he is plotting now to ruin me further if at all it is possible. All my dreams/ aspirations shelved forever. Hurts more because I had no clue whatsoever! I had been fooled like many others that he is a good father who puts his son first ( after all he supposedly had a bad childhood with a strict dad), the promises he made while marrying me (he stopped smoking for me!) He turns around and says I was fool to believe all that he said! I am told I am fool to have trusted my husband.
I am a fool. I just cannot get smarter! All I hope now is that he files for the divorce (uncontested as he is filing in the US) and does not hurt me more. Leaves A to be with me, gives money so I can give the best to my son. I cannot afford anything with my pay and the rising inflation in India. I cannot even think of living on my own with the paltry pay I get now; or even appoint a caretaker. The last thing I ever wanted to do was to trouble my parents in their old age; and they are stuck with us. My father has to take care of A and my bedridden mother – no choice! Now, my husband is sending money which I am saving up in the fear that it will stop sometime soon. I have asked him to be honest & forthright at least now – he does not bother to answer even his mails!
I am fighting to get A’s & my stuff back here. Don’t know if he would ever send anything…documents, toys, clothes, misc. People tell me I am being petty, I should just let it be; not ask for all that back…my question is why? After all, those things are ours (many things paid for by my parents) or things that I got for A to grow up with!
I am being a fool; when the guy cannot reply to a lousy mail; I expect him to send everything and be decent?!? I am just torn between I want nothing to do with him to I need money to take care of A to what would happen to A as he grows up. How do I face his questions?!? How do I answer all the comments I face in society here (even wearing clothes the way I chose to is scrutinised!) How would A face everything?! He has been having a low grade fever now, acts up and the doctor says that it is probably more psychological than physical as he is dealing with my absence too when I am away at work (I had written earlier that I did not want to go work till A was settled but I need to now!) I have stopped believing in God. I have stopped believing there is anyone out there. I just know that I have to be here for A.
I had battled with the urge to write all this earlier. Every trauma sometimes would egg me on to write an entry. I stopped myself. I did not want to pour out like I have; but today, I decided not to listen to the voice that is asking me to stop or to some well-meaning friends who asked me as to how much I want to bear out. Why? I want people to know that all is not well and happy. Do not trust others. Since this has been happening, I have heard stories that are even worse (women with infants left on the streets in the heights of cold winters etc…,) I don’t want to count my blessings or listen to any cliché. This is a vent out of depression/anger and a warning to anyone who are placing faith on someone else even those “friends” who you pour your heart out to and end up singed!
I do want to thank those who have stood by me and A- My mother especially even in her state of health has been a pillar of support.