It has taken me a while to realise that I was in such a dead end marriage…living life as a doormat. Not that my position has improved greatly…but hoping it would soon enough. Why this post then? Well, off late, I have been told by some friends of mine; rather hinted upon that the one person I want out in my life might come back maybe (as he has not yet filed for the divorce! their ideas…), repent for his ways and I should accept him – for whatever reasons.

True, at one point, I would have done anything to stay with him. Now though, I am pretty clear. I want him out of my life and A’s. Any suggestions otherwise just infuriate me.

Don’t quite know why such things even come up especially from some who know every bit of what has transpired to the demise of my marriage. Is it Indian mentality? It took a lot out of me to get out of the trap mentally. It pains me to go through all these ideas of how he might come back, how I must forgive & forget  and all that!!! Sheer agony! So…please stop! Now all I want is to get on with life with my son.

Plagued with paranoia :)

I am a pessimist by nature. So, when things go wrong, despair just boils over in me. At this time, I am plagued by people getting me to think about worst case scenarios!! That essentially puts my paranoia on overdrive! The what-ifs…even those that I don’t think of people come up with! (and I do come up with a lot of them myself!!) So, one can imagine how hopeless things become at that point.

Well, learnt a new word though 🙂

Welt·schmerz  [velt-shmerts] –noun German. : sorrow that one feels and accepts as one’s necessary portion in life; sentimental pessimism.

Sounds nice does it not? Well, let me get back to my world of what ifs and what if nots hoping not to drown as a result! 🙂