behaviour · divorce · friends · life · opinion

You should move on…

OK! This is another statement I often hear. Just a reply…I am moving on 🙂 trying my hardest in some areas like job (career?!?) .

Anyways, this post is really the result of a conversation I had with a friend yesterday. I was just asking her about friends I had made (Desis who work with P) It so happens a couple just had a baby. I was enquiring about them and was saying I would mail them a congrats, asking the name of the kid. My friend was like ” you know what? You should really move on!” in response to my queries.

I could not really get where that came from! I mean…does one stop being a friend because you are getting divorced?  I just ended up saying I would mail the couple my best wishes and if they choose not to respond…well, it is their choice!

Was wondering if moving on meant just giving up friends you made through your ex? One thing though, I should say that I am still in touch with his collegemates even now. They are really wonderful people.

In my opinion, if your partner is the one who dictates whether someone is your friend or not, I might as well not have them in that list. If they are not friends for me…who wants them anyway?

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14 thoughts on “You should move on…

  1. i think the friend who suggested you should move on is a meanie :(…why should you give up people you like just coz u and ur husband are no longer together?? and i think it is easy to be judgemental and pass on free advice to others esp. when your life is going great. i think you are doing the right thing on passing the congrats…but remember…no expectations :D…u are so cute A…

  2. Rajitha: Well, it is just the stupid me who thinks all are my friends. 🙂 The people pleaser I try to be. Just realising I can never do that and whatever I do, I am going to be accused – Always!! Yeah…learning the no expectations little by little.

  3. Writing a blog entry to vent out emotions is a very good thing, it helps u keep sane. But taking quotes from private conversations that u have with friends and then have others comment on it and tell u that u r right and they are wrong, i think is kind of not justified. Rajitha, its nice to say that people are judgmental, well then what is to be said abt ur response, whr u label this person to be a “MEANIE”. Needless to say i was the person with whom A was having this conversation and i am kind of surprised that the words that were just said so that she wouldnt feel hurt that people here are not responding. Its unethical to bitch about friends and mean or not mean i try not indulge in it. I know A is going through a rough phase and i respect her for her strength. But if u write every small thing that u feel bad about in a relationship, then someday you are bound to lose it. Everyone makes mistakes and we are never politically correct all the times but imagine all ur friends blogging abt what was the one wrong thing u said in the conversation u had with them. Thats just sad for friendships. I am not into blogging at all, this entry is NOT for justifying what i said.

  4. Swati..not to make a big deal..but when you look at this context it does come out as being Mean. I am sorry if you are taking this all personal, but i think the blogger has a right to express her feelings and people who respond to that have a right to respond how they feel. When people are in pain, you have to make sure when you dispense an advice it has to be kind….even if it is practical. To be honest…I actually do have a reply to ur question…but i am choosing not to give in to this argument coz in the end it is like..’u said this’…’i said thit’. And frankly speaking…i am not going to justify what i said…but i will tell you..in the context of the above entry i do stand by what i said… i am not going to continue on this anymore….sorry for this A.

  5. Swati: I told you whatever in the chat we had that day and today. I have nothing more to add.
    Rajitha: Thanks. You have told exactly what I feel. No apologies needed.

  6. Just to add on my two cents worth: I think a blogger should have the freedom to write whatever he/she pleases about whoever he/she pleases as long the person written about is not named or identified explicitly, to avoid explicit judgmental opinions being ormed on them by all who read. Swati, but I respectfully disagree with you in your quote ” But taking quotes from private conversations that u have with friends and then have others comment on it and tell u that u r right and they are wrong, i think is kind of not justified” because I think that is ABSOLUTELY JUSTIFIED and the blog is an a vent where A or anyone for that matter can let theier steam out. You may not choose to do it if you were in that situation- but the blogger can- its his/her blog after all!! Naming someone in a harmful or even nice way without their permission- yes, that is absolutely wrong, but writing about someone whether or not it is to whine/bitch/moan about their comments-PERFECTLY JUSTIFIED IMHO.

  7. Apar. I know that we have only just started getting to know each other, so no doubt, I don’t know you as well as many other do. But, I can see that you are in a vulnerable emotional place at the moment, and as I have said before, I only wish I knew how to help bring more tranquility into your life. I am guessing that most people who know you, will also feel this way. Sometimes, it may seem that they don’t understand you, or that they are trying to tell you how you should live your life….. I urge you to look deeper into their intent. They may be just like me, hoping to just bring a little more peace into your life….

    Re being friends with your ex’s friends – I guess it all depends on a person-to-person basis isn’t it. If you had a ‘personal’ relationship with them before the divorce, then there should be no reason for you not to continue nourishing that relationship. But, if the relationship was anything less,… then, you must be honest with yourself and inquire within as to what your own expectations are with ‘energizing’ it.

  8. B: 🙂
    Spillay: Yeah, I know that everything is with the motive of helping me out. Anyways, It is just me…As I wrote I just am a friendly person. Besides, I really found nothing wrong in sending a congrats note to someone. Or even just a hi. As I said, it is up to the other person to respond or not. When I am battling with someone I know not responding to me, an acquaintance not doing so will hardly affect. 🙂 Even as I am writing this, I hope that someone I know responds to me some time soon!

  9. Just my 2 cents’ worth – I have lots of these “2 cents”. I feel there is nothing wrong in continuing being with friends of your ex’s. I’m sure there will be some you choose whom you feel were true friends, but do explore the meaning of those friendships before deciding what to do about them.

    Just speaking from my experience (it was just an ex-boyfriend), but I had gotten very close to his friends and they even knew the difficulties I went through and sort of supported me. They were totally aware of his shortcomings – but many years later, they are now back to being solely his friends and just being “politely friendly” with me.

    So basically, all I’m saying is, look after your own heart before you make decisions. But if there is a friend you trust enough, then by all means, I don’t think there’s anything at all wrong with continuing the friendship.

  10. I know this comment is not related to your post above – but I’ve just been reading through your past posts for the last couple of years – I felt that I should get to know you more and understand – it’s 2am now, read most of it I think – it breaks my heart to read of what you’ve been going through – just wanted you to know that.

  11. Bavani: Wow! 2 am!! Don’t become an insomniac like me 🙂 Thanks…I am still hoping things will turn around some time and hoping it is some time soon. Just fed up and really really tired!

  12. It is so difficult to find friends these days! I’ve found it strange that, men get along very well with our female friends, and keep in touch over time – but, his male friends do not care much after the relationship is over. The gender mix-up in friendship has always provided for an interesting pattern! 🙂

  13. Aparna: May be you should spell out the pattern in detail for ignorant people like me 🙂 I am just amazed at behaviour in general these days. Have realised that one can expect anything from anybody! Don’t be shocked at anything is what I am trying to follow these days…be it from a man or a woman!

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