Table for 1! Anyone?

I have written before, don’t know if it was here or as a response to some entry on another blog. I hate to be alone. I dread the time when I have to get back to an empty house.

Today, I happen to have an invite to one of the popular plays in town – admitting 2 people. I called friends who were around to ask them if they were free to accompany me. All of them had plans. So, I could not get myself to go to the play alone, I am sitting here typing this entry 🙂

I used to ask a friend of mine how he could come to an empty house or go to the movies alone. I doubt if I could ever do those or go ask for a table for one! I could not even go and order a cup of coffee at Starbucks there or Coffee Day here. Pathetic right?

There are definitely times when I sit with a book, music in the back ground or when I go to the beach to sit & stare at the waves, think nothing (though that is becoming an impossibility with A around who loves the beach 😉 ). Times when I would be alone and not be bothered.

Hats off to people who do that! And please give me pointers to get there 🙂 I guess I have A till he grows up to have his own life. Time for me to prepare… a friend of mine mocked me saying I was thinking way too much about what is ahead 15 years later. Can’t get those thoughts or that friend out of my mind now!

Plans!

There are times when I wonder if I need to plan anything ever. I was all positive few posts back, said I had plans; then again who am I to plan??! Especially with all that happens in my life! 🙂 I dared so far to plan for something 10 years ahead, when I don’t even know what can happen the next day.

To the change that has come about, it is pretty devastating especially playing havoc with my emotions. For some bizarre reason, I am still hoping that it is only a glitch and I don’t lose that one person who I have learnt to treasure.

I should also learn to just live day to day not even thinking what will happen the next! Somehow, it is difficult not to think of what is in store! Hope is all I have I suppose!!

Delete!

How convenient it would be if there was such a button in life? Just delete whatever episodes in life one does not wants to remember, or a person who has caused pain in some form or the other!

Sounds good right? I wish I had such a button for a lot of episodes and at least a couple of people right now in life.

Or even a ctrl+alt+del to restart 🙂 ?! Don’t we all have somethings that could be restarted or rollbacked. Nice terms and convenience for so many processes, why not in real life? Back up all the good times.

Just went through a harrowing day and wish I could delete a lot of things today and the last couple of months. Cried, slept through depression and now typing this in.

As somebody told me today…Life sucks! We still have to get through it and why not do it one’s way and not through what others say /do/judge. Who is anyone to judge another person? Is one’s life so perfect that if one’s advices were not heard by another, the other is condemned or to say “I told you so!”?? Does that not hurt the other more than what she goes through at that point? Alright, I am going off in a tangent yet again! I just want to get through this also. I probably will, right now; I feel like crap nothing can go right ever!

Ten years: then, now and later?!

This post by Pioneer Woman triggered this entry of Laksh. Well, I could have left a comment on either blog, though got tempted to really think on this.

Where was I; 10 years back same time – July 1998? It was a year after I had completed my under grad, was preparing for CAT to take up MBA in one of the esteemed institutes. Was working in a small firm. Enjoyed the company of friends. No big dreams apart from the MBA one. Of course that was a step to a career to be proud of; but did not really think much on those lines. I realise I never really thought big of anything…a career, life ahead or whatever. Just lived the way my life went. The year later, not having gotten through; I started trying out for a job; landed one, a year later was married to the supposed love of my life. Life ahead was just with him, since he was in the US,  moved over there. Thought eventually I would get a job or do my masters.

Ten years later, now 2008,  after attempts at trying to get a masters, still have done nothing 🙂 I face a divorce now with a son to take care of. This is when I did not really have any great plans. Thought a job/ education/ simple life with family were simple things. Actually job did not really feature much even in my thoughts most of the time! 😀

Do I dare dream of what I want? Well, I do have some I can write here about, some I can’t right now! Hoping all those work out. For a change, I have some solid plans for my future! Though I am scared they might not all happen, I might get hurt/lose out….I am just trying to be positive (I figured out that being negative did not really help me much and was pushing me more into depression with suicidal thoughts). I hope that 10 years down the lane, I can write saying I am content or may be even actually deliriously happy (cos I have been depressed for way too long now!! I guess I deserve the other extreme for a while 😉 )

Food for thought!

On coming across the life of Riley, I also came across this one. Now for all those compulsive bloggers, may be you all will mull over this!

Not me for a change. Not many would miss me on the blogosphere 😀 Honestly there are days when I wonder if anyone would miss me in the real world even. Morose thought, I know. We keep saying everyone is expendable. Is that really true? Then why do we have so many tributes or entries where someone is remembered? I have heard the pain dulls away but triggers bring all of it back.

I am a person who needs communication with all who I find near and dear. I am crazy about keeping in touch. A freeze on that is a punishment on me or so I feel. I also feel that when I try and keep in touch, I wonder if I am bugging the other one. Whatever the reason, please those who know me don’t freeze up on me or let me know the reasons!

Boy…can’t believe how my thoughts flowed in the entry!! Sorry…just typed as I thought.

Kudos!

I came across this blog in my surfing. RIP Ollie!

May you be an inspiration to all of us. To many of us like me who think we are way too old for something. Or when we are told that we are, we should have you as a wonderful example.

Tears – Could they ever run dry?

I came across these lines in my random browsing. Don’t quite know who penned them or even where I got them. Had copied and saved them to be read later. Cleaning up files, came across this. Again these lines are way too apt for my life right now.

“In the meadow
the fantasy reveals
the echo disappears
your illusion remains

In the dark
tormented soul
the fiend
that captures my heart

the reckless soul
diabolic fiend
removing the pain
restores my bleeding heart…

The pain is very hard
i feel it every day
the images of what happened
they never go away

at times i hear voices
but mainly they’re just screams
the way i hold myself together
is a lot harder than it seems ..”

I wrote to a dear friend of mine trying to explain what I am going through. And then on I wonder, do tears every run dry? I wish they would because there is no one to hold me and tell me things would be alright, console me. I don’t know how to console myself or to just drift in the way life is taking me.

I am tired of trying to explain everything (Don’t know why I have this urge to do it to all and sundry) and I am really tired of fighting. I wish things just iron themselves out and soon because I am not sure I can hold myself together for much longer.

I don’t care if others think I am not strong (I am not and am not ashamed of saying that I want to live my life the way I want it with those I want to…). I don’t care they think I must be emotionally independent (I have not attained nirvana…and am very much human. Emotional independence can sometimes never be attained be mere mortals like me….) I am trying hard to achieve financial independence (hate it when people think I am not even trying! )

PostSecret….

PostSecret is one of the blogs I have blog rolled. I like the blog because of the candidness,honesty, and sometimes sheer nuttiness of the confessions that sometimes I wonder if they are true. However…..the one mentioned below…

struck a chord. There are so many times I wish I were dead and to be honest have contemplated  (and attempted!) suicide before A was born. Not since then though cos I made a promise that I would live for him. I keep every promise I make to myself or anyone else. Then you know what, I realise  that I have to live because I want to and to reflect on what this PostSecret says…because life is good.

I don’t think suicide is an act of cowardice. An attempt or more might be a cry to be noticed, cry for attention. The actual act may be the result of many things. There are many a times when I wish I had died. Times when I just want to give up and disappear. Don’t know what is ahead , or whether there is an after-life, judgement day, re-birth (that would be an entirely new entry may be) . The thought of just leaving all these troubles behind is pretty inviting;  when living day in day out with no end  to misery year after year.

In continuation of my previous post today….I hope I can truly relate to the picture and say “Life is good and I am glad to be alive with those who love me around me!”  The statement might sound selfish…but hey, that is just what I want. I wish Life is good! I never wanted it more than now!

Hope!

As I have written, I do check my horoscope now and then…this was for today

“As you seek solutions to tough questions, remember that hope will take you further than fear. There are always potential pitfalls to any plan, but a can-do attitude today has the power to overcome negativity. Ultimately, it is rather simple now: if you believe something is possible, then it is.”

As I have said earlier, there are days I believe in the authenticity of astrology and there are those I don’t. Though the above did not seem much like a prediction. It feels more like advice – very apt one right now. I was (am) crushed by a fear of losing something that I hold very close to heart right now. I so don’t want to lose what I have got. So, I am going to follow this; for a change, believe/ hope that I can. There might be some unknown reason keeping this particular aspect away from my life right now, I hope it is not for too long (Again – patience has never really been a virtue of mine!) . I do wonder what is wrong; wish I knew. Just that I miss one a lot and want it to be back to normal real soon.

I believe things will be fine. Hoping this really helps; because I am going mad and feel myself going into depression thinking of all this. So, will definitely get out of this slump; be happy!

Suffering!

A very good friend of mine had this as her status message “Fear of suffering is worse than suffering itself”.

How true!! And especially to me, right now!! Me and my worst case scenarios that I imagine. Felt the quote is very apt.

The more I interact with people, the more I realise that most of us have the same fear….of suffering. Does knowing this fact make any difference right now? Not really? Momentarily though, I feel enlightened! 🙂 Don’t know how much it is going to help me let go of this fear!