I miss:

I have been asked one too many times what I miss from my life that I left back in the US (rather made to leave 🙂 )

Here goes: nothing! 🙂 Ideally I guess I should say my home (lived in an apartment 😉 ) Well, I thought initially I thought I missed my home only to realise it was all a part of the mirage I was living in.

I do miss talking to my friend B  & U everyday. We used to exchange notes on our daily activities sometimes ended up being even hourly 😉 I miss not being there for U as she was for me when I had given birth to A. I miss seeing some of my friends’ kids grow up, seeing A grow up with them. I guess my friends and I have to make do with emails/chats and photos to check on each other 🙂

Other than this, absolutely nothing. I am trying to build my life from scratch here at my age; hoping to make it despite many negative thoughts that crop up in my mind and those planted in mine by others (learning to ignore the latter, and learning to deal with the former! 🙂 )

I have always been proud to be an Indian. Chennai has been the place I grew up in. Life is difficult but it is not because I miss something from the USA.

One parting thought though, I hope my son does not grow up to hate me for uprooting him from there (I did not, was made to…) but I also think he will be fine. I hope he does not face the traditional conservatism Chennai is known for being a single parent kid! He has lots to deal with growing up here, hoping to protect him?!?  I guess in this only time will tell! 🙂

Happy Day for you?!

Naan had left a comment on one of my entries that made me check her blog out and came across this entry of hers : Happy Day for you

I was wondering what happened on June 20th. And guess what, I went to check if I had written anything that day! And yes I had! This was it. Not really a happy day, don’t ya think?

So, was it a happy day for you? May be I was just a kink on the stats 😉 Think back and find out if it was a happy day for you!

First time in years!

This is the first time in my 30 odd years (yeah am gonna be 32 this year 🙂 ) that I did not do the “nombu” for “garuda panchami” – a telugu equivalent of say Raksha bandan. I did feel a tinge of guilt but not as much as I thought I would. Having been brought up with the thought that being the only sister that my brother and cousins have, it was something I liked to do. Thought it was significant to pray for their well being. Do the puja the right way (of course eat all the food that goes with it…this time none of the food either cos we get food from a caterer!)

My mother did the puja. I did not even get up from bed! My steps towards atheism?! or is it because I feel that these pujas actually have no significance? Am I writing this out of the tinge of guilt I wrote about or just as a log of what happened? I am rambling here! Even when I was in the US, I did every puja…so much so some people actually said I was a pukka maami or way too traditional and the likes.

A step towards change in life? for better or worse? Again I don’t know! I wish I could just let go of so many other things (or people/memories!) Sorry…rambling again!

Long long ago…

Laksh tagged me on this. I had to think long and hard. I just don’t remember too many things in my childhood…just that I was pretty much pampered being the only girl in the family; got anything and everything I asked and did not ask for. Well, may be that is why life is soo much harder now?!?

Anyways, I digress… So, my earliest memory. Well, like Laksh’s memory; this also involves blood 🙂

My school was a 10 minute slow walk from home. When my dad came home early, he used to pick me up from school on his cycle. This was one such day when I was in KG (must have been 4 odd years old). He made me sit on the carrier. Told me not to say a word till we got home, not a sound he had said ( well, I am known to be garrulous 😉 ). He rode the bicycle and one of the guys on the road yelled out to him  saying….”sir, ratham (blood)”. My dad did not even realise the guy was yelling at him! Don’t know how, but he stopped. Thing was I had let my foot in the wheel and my foot was bleeding. My dad has never been a guy for crises 😀 He was so upset. He rushed me home…which was close by then. He panicked and was like why did you not even cry?! Anyways, I never used to cry much for pain then (again…guess I am making for all of it now 🙂 )My mother, the calm one always, bathed the wound; asked my dad to pick me up and take me to the doctor where I had stitches. I remember being carried to school, in school (by our watchman, Munusamy – a person who was loved by one and all) and back home after that for days until the wound healed. More pampering of course 😀

Well that is my earliest memory. Who do I tag?? Hmm….not so good at that 🙂 Well, anyone who wants to take it up. It was fun to think how far back I actually could think. It would be great to hear the long long ago, well not so long ago 😉 stories 😀

By the way…I asked amma if she could help refresh my memory (I know..cheating!! 🙂 lol!)  Her response (no surprises there! ) was “Laksh asked you what your earliest memory was not mine…and mine goes back to when you were a baby!!”

Two words; Many thoughts

Museditions had this meme. I am not even sure of what I think of tags…but in the journey of self discovery I take this up 🙂 And as done in the tag by muse, I have left the blank meme for all those who care to fill it up 😀

Just thought it missed one set… I thank: each and every one who has been there for me, endured all my moods and have not been judgmental!

I am: right now at a place where I am looking to understand what I am
I think: about everything and anything usually pessimistically (Been told to be positive and am trying)
I know: the even in the pathetic phase, I am luckier than many others.
I have: to keep my mind occupied constantly.
I wish: life were happier for me and all those around 😀
I hate: my life at this point. I hate to bother all with my trials in life now! especially my friends who can do nothing but just be there for me.
I miss: A who knows I miss him
I fear: that I would spoil my son A’s life in some way!
I hear: silence all over making me think more of my loneliness!
I smell: lavender essence ( touch wood museditions 🙂 ) – my air freshener
I crave: for company
I search: for peace of mind (hopefully, it is not like the phrase that follows museditions I search! )
I wonder: what life has in store for us
I regret: giving up on my dreams for a person who left me and his son!!
I love: my son (duh! :D)
I ache: for my mother and wish she gets better
I am not: one who gives up easily on any relationship easily.
I believe: life is not fair
I dance: pretty well? 😉 and whenever I feel like or listen to music (at least my feet go tapping if it is inappropriate to actually dance)
I sing
: anytime and every time though my brother always used to respond by singing an age old movie song (Paadathe un paata ketu puli kooda bayapudum.. meaning Don’t sing, even a tiger would get scared listening to your song!)
I cry: way too much off late
I fight: for anything I believe is right
I win: never?
I lose: my temper way too often
I never: win? (that was way too easy!!) well…. betray any one who trusts me or befriends me
I always: keep my promises
I confuse: myself most of the time!
I listen: to any one who cares enough to want to converse with me 😀
I can usually be found: very easily 😉
I am scared: that there is worse to come for me and A
I need: to know the larger scheme in life ( Had a conversation about this with Raaga the other day :D)
I am happy about: having my parents, A and friends who truly wish well
I imagine: a happy life for one and all?!
I tag: whoever wants to take this up. I did it to put down how I thought now. Might take a look again later to see if things have changed?! Though, I would definitely like to know others’ thoughts 😀

Just cut and paste this list: (let me know if you are doing it so I can stop by and read it. ) )

I am:
I think:
I know:
I have:
I wish:
I hate:
I miss:
I fear:
I hear:
I smell:
I crave:
I search:
I wonder:
I regret:
I love:
I ache:
I am not:
I believe:
I dance:
I sing:
I cry:
I fight:
I win:
I lose:
I never:
I always:
I confuse:
I listen:
I can usually be found:
I am scared:
I need:
I am happy about:
I imagine:
I tag:

How are you?

This is a question that all of us tend to ask. It is automatic : “Hi! How are you?” Do we really want the honest answer? When faced with this question off-late…I ignore it. Infact today, a friend of mine noticed it and asked again…how is life? I responded to him saying I was trying to ignore that question. Thankfully he just said fine I won’t delve further.

Why does this question irk me so much? Instead of an automatic response of “Yeah, I am fine how are you?”, I am like…omg! how can I lie saying things are fine when they are far from it? The other person does not want any details of my sordid life! At least not everyone truly does. At the same time, I feel like I am not right in saying things are ok!

Stupid dilemma! I know…but I still go through this also 🙂 And I have the cutest kid who comes draws my mouth up into a smile saying “Be happy….not angry/not sad!!!” Could not help but actually laugh at that 🙂 Thanks A for being in my life and hope you have all the happiness that you are spreading around all your life.

New Life

As usual, blog hopping came across this entry. How I wish I could do just that!! Start afresh, new identity, new life…just escape. Like I commented on the entry; I don’t know how it would be when memories hit me when they do, at least I won’t be battling like I am right now!

Come a moment of free time, and my mind thinks of what could have been. How I want to erase every single thing and just escape everything! And yet, I am right here, going through hell, even a moment of happiness eluding me. I guess I have even forgotten how it feels like to be happy!

Another entry on Random Scribbles that I like and relate to is : Black Magic