Alrighty, I am in the lousiest mood ever. Been a while since I wrote my usual post about how I feel or what I am upto. Well, I am up to nothing. Still the same old failure that I have been for the past so many months. Or is it years?!
I was asked why do you link everything to how your marriage has been? I had nothing else in life in the recent past. Somehow the last almost 8 years soon have ruined every bit in my life. I do not care much about the state of my marriage now. Honest but what it has done to my life is a whole another matter.
I am tired of “the right attitude is half the job done” I did my hard work with the right attitude so far; got nothing to show. As time passes, I just get older with more of a gap in my resume. What has attitude done? I was told I am the only one who can decide about my life. My answer right then in the conversation was that for everything I have to depend on others, how do I take them out of the equation completely? I know I am going to lead a life alone; at that point when there is nothing/ no one to hold me, I can make my decisions. For eg., I decide I want to go elsewhere for something. Can I leave A alone? Who is there for him? How would I leave him out of the equation when I have to think of what I am to do in my life?
Just do it I am being told. Wish it were so. I can just decide and go out to have my next meal in a hotel may be; but life altering decisions -no more Just do it for me. Have done that and am drowning with no life boats around. I am not taking A down with me by just doing something!
Yes, I am a pessimist. I do not deny it. Though I was trying with all my heart, mind and soul into whatever I was doing. Patience is the answer I am told.
A good friend of mine asked me just recently: “Do you believe in anything or anyone at all now?” He answered the question himself and said “You don’t believe in even yourself now.” That is the truth. I don’t. I don’t know why I exist the way I do. I do not yearn for life with P nor wish my marriage works out. I just “hope” that I do not screw up my son’s life any more than it already is; nor mine for that matter (if at all that is possible!!)
I hate it that I have to lean upon my friends for support. I am sorry that I intrude in your busy schedules. I will try refrain from the same. I already do; will put in more effort. After all, this is also a lesson to finally lead my life alone when A goes on to lead his.