Lousiest mood ever!

Alrighty, I am in the lousiest mood ever. Been a while since I wrote my usual post about how I feel or what I am upto. Well, I am up to nothing. Still the same old failure that I have been for the past so many months. Or is it years?!

I was asked why do you link everything to how your marriage has been? I had nothing else in life in the recent past. Somehow the last almost 8 years soon have ruined every bit in my life. I do not care much about the state of my marriage now. Honest but what it has done to my life is a whole another matter.

I am tired of “the right attitude is half the job done” I did my hard work with the right attitude so far; got nothing to show. As time passes, I just get older with more of a gap in my resume. What has attitude done? I was told I am the only one who can decide about my life. My answer right then in the conversation was that for everything I have to depend on others, how do I take them out of the equation completely? I know I am going to lead a life alone; at that point when there is nothing/ no one to hold me, I can make my decisions. For eg., I decide I want to go elsewhere for something. Can I leave A alone? Who is there for him? How would I leave him out of the equation when I have to think of what I am to do in my life?

Just do it I am being told. Wish it were so. I can just decide and go out to have my next meal in a hotel may be; but life altering decisions -no more Just do it for me. Have done that and am drowning with no life boats around. I am not taking A down with me by just doing something!

Yes, I am a pessimist. I do not deny it. Though I was trying with all my heart, mind and soul  into whatever I was doing. Patience is the answer I am told.

A good friend of mine asked me just recently: “Do you believe in anything or anyone at all now?” He answered the question himself and said “You don’t believe in even yourself now.” That is the truth. I don’t. I don’t know why I exist the way I do. I do not yearn for life with P nor wish my marriage works out. I just “hope” that I do not screw up my son’s life any more than it already is; nor mine for that matter (if at all that is possible!!)

I hate it that I have to lean upon my friends for support. I am sorry that I intrude in your busy schedules. I will try refrain from the same. I already do; will put in more effort. After all, this is also a lesson to finally lead my life alone when A goes on to lead his.


9 thoughts on “Lousiest mood ever!

  1. I, probably, would be too young to advise you. and i really cant decipher what the issue is also. But I would suggest you to see the brighter side of life. Keep your mind pre occupied with a couple of things so that you dont think about the darker side. Join some class, or you could do one of those Teach India sessions. Rejuvenate yourself with a hobby that you once had. Do some activity that you think would increase your self confidence, morale and esteem.

    Theres nothing wrong in leaning up on friends. After all, what are they/we for ? C’mon cheer up, see each day differently !

    and please ignore the above if it doesnt make any sense.

  2. Hi Apar. I agree 100% with Vimal!! And,… I would also suggest that maybe it is time that you think of getting some professional help. Yes, I am talking about therapy. I’m not sure how it is in India, but I’m hoping that if you do go down that road (which I would encourage you to),.. I hope that you will be able to find a well qualified practictioner without too much difficulties. I appreciate that in Asian countries that there may be some stigma associated with seeing a psychologist/theraphy,… but this is the time to stand above egostical concerns (and waste-of-time gossip) and find your true beautiful self again… If you are interested, I might be able to email you some links on the subject area. Although they may have an Australian ‘flavour’, I believe that you may still find the info useful. Please let me know. Take care. xx

  3. Damn! You can’t be like this!! Cheer up!

    Like Vimal says, I’m too young to actually advice you. I know nothing about you…or how much free time you have for yourself. I have no clue whether you’re a working woman. From what I understand, A is not a BIG boy yet and must be attending school…

    Keep yourself engaged…that works for a lot of people!
    Take time off for yourself…join music classes or dance. Get on a bus that travels the longest route in your city…just sit in there, plug in a walkman, much on some nuts and watch the city go by yu! Take a walk…smile to yourself…and get smiled at!

    Think about different things you can do with A. Be a great mom, A’s best friend…and that’ll one of the best you can do for yourself and for A. (words of a blessed daughter!)

    Cheer up. We are all here for you. And Friends were given shoulders so their friends could lean on them anytime!! 🙂

  4. come on dear cheer up, life wont be the same always… life is like climate changes whenever it feels like… so i am here for you to lend u my ears and a goos of course strong shoulder to cry….u can count on me anytime okies sweetie… u r a well read and calibered person.. i very well do understand ur position… still life is not over you can rock on babes…u r young charming, bold and dynamic.. so plz cheer up life is beautiful…

  5. I am telling you.. Meeting me (or my mom) will change your life! Ask Nikhil, he has survived, in fact, he is a happier man these days, what with all his posts being about love and all! 😀

    Cheer up! I know Chennai isn’t a great place to be.. I know you are in a dark tunel, with just no energy to lift your a$$ and do anything concrete… But, sometimes, all it takes are friends..

    I don’t have many (any) in this city, except for one last savior, whom I tug on to.. But, i can confidently say we have enough drama in our lives that will lighten your mood, and take you off yours! 😀

  6. Hi Apar, Life’s like that! But, do not worry… there is always light at the end of the dark tunnel.

    I know this wont help. Gyan, when one is down, never does!! But, still, this is so that you do not get into those moods again!


  7. I’m sorry I missed this! I was real busy… Come on, by now you should know what you should do when you’re in a lousy mood, shouldn’t you? You should click here !! 😀
    Cheer up!! 😀

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