I don’t know where my life is headed. I watched the movie Jab we met to change my mood. Guess what? It did not change it much. I felt horrible watching a sappy love story. More so what hit me was how many times I wanted to live a life with gay abandon. Take off somewhere, no destination in mind. Lead life as it comes.
Doing it now…just that it is not as gay as I wanted it to be. I am plagued with doubts for myself and my son. I do not want this. I want to know where I am going. I don’t want to feel like I am right now. I am tired of the surprises (shocks rather) that life has been throwing at me. I really cannot stand it any longer.
I hate myself now more than ever. Activities I used to enjoy now just make me feel worse. I want to quit; funny thing is, I do not know what I am quitting even if I do. I guess I want to quit existing. I do not want immense happiness but I do not want to feel the way I have been. I used to cry a lot – to the extent there were friends saying don’t cry in front of A. I used to get irritated and say let him know the pain I am going through. Now I try to restrain those tears. Off late, I just softly cry myself to sleep. I don’t even understand why I am crying!?! I did not feel like celebrating deepavali but also did not want to make it bad for A; so made the mandatory things for him. Saw the joy & excitement in his eyes. Morbid thought – I was like, damn this happiness for him is short lived. He will be facing so much trouble.
I really don’t want to wait any more. Wait for what? I don’t know. What can I do? I am tired of the mails I send to P to finish what he started. He is “busy” it seems. I am tired of waiting for at least a call for an interview so that I can crib about how I failed in it 😉 I am waiting to have a place to call home, to live there with loved ones. I guess the last one is something that probably will never happen. I just don’t want to wait! 😦