A destination I seek

I  don’t know where my life is headed. I watched the movie Jab we met to change my mood. Guess what? It did not change it much. I felt horrible watching a sappy love story. More so what hit me was how many times I wanted to live a life with gay abandon. Take off somewhere, no destination in mind. Lead life as it comes.

Doing it now…just that it is not as gay as I wanted it to be. I am plagued with doubts for myself and my son. I do not want this. I want to know where I am going. I don’t want to feel like I am right now. I am tired of the surprises (shocks rather) that life has been throwing at me. I really cannot stand it any longer.

I hate myself now more than ever. Activities I used to enjoy now just make me feel worse. I want to quit; funny thing is, I do not know what I am quitting even if I do. I guess I want to quit existing. I do not want immense happiness but I do not want to feel the way I have been. I used to cry a lot – to the extent there were friends saying don’t cry in front of A. I used to get irritated and say let him know the pain I am going through. Now I try to restrain those tears. Off late, I just softly cry myself to sleep. I don’t even understand why I am crying!?! I did not feel like celebrating deepavali but also did not want to make it bad for A; so made the mandatory things for him. Saw the joy & excitement in his eyes. Morbid thought – I was like, damn this happiness for him is short lived. He will be facing so much trouble.

I really don’t want to wait any more. Wait for what? I don’t know. What can I do? I am tired of the mails I send to P to finish what he started. He is “busy” it seems. I am tired of waiting for at least a call for an interview so that I can crib about how I failed in it 😉 I am waiting to have a place to call home, to live there with loved ones. I guess the last one is something that probably will never happen. I just don’t want to wait! 😦

26 thoughts on “A destination I seek

  1. Totally understand… Take care Apar! Dunno what else to say.

    People like you, Laksh ….have to endure me in all these down days 😦 Thanks A-kay

  2. Apar-

    I can hear all the frustration and everything else that goes with it, given the happenings in your life. Time and patience are big healers, but the latter is needed to get through daily life. It can be darn tough to be a single parent who still isn’t completely out of a messy relationship, but, there are lots of women, I am sure Indian women too in your shoes. The ones I see are white women at my work who are single mothers. Some of them got out of an abusive relationship, others because of differences etc. and it is never easy, no matter what the reason. But, they all have a common purpose to lead life-that is for their child. Yes, you need a job to sustain and give you the independence and when there seems to be no light at the end of the tunnel, it can become so depressing. The only way for you to survive (which you must) is to pull yourself up, not just for your boy, but for your own self too- you’be been through some pretty harsh times and life has to be nice to you. So, you have to stay put to see those good times too, what is status quo today will not be so tomorrow (tomorrow-meaning the next year or even later). So, push yourself harder and don’t quit. Perhaps, you can make money through a career in blogging, counselling, child care services, writing etc. Just don’t let yourself go down the path to not survive. I am sure you will emerge stong and life’s goodness will surely come your way. Take care!

    I will not quit being there for A. Well, he is all I have in my life….holding on tight to that lifeline. He is doing a lot more for me than I for him. The job, honestly, for me is a reprieve from morbid thoughts more than for earning money. Thankfully, so far, touch wood, money is not exactly a problem for me. Hence the frustration. I am trying and am open to any job 🙂 As I said in my post, I feel like quitting – but don’t know what I am quitting! As you say, frustration talking! Thanks for your wishes Mitr! Means a lot.

  3. We get just one life. Don’t let it slip like this. I know its easy said than done but give it a try.

    Thanks Amit! Yeah, makes one wonder why we have to go through hell in the one life we get right? 🙂 Giving my best where I can, most stuff I am dealing with though are beyond my control!

  4. Apar,

    I have been reading your blog posts, but do not comment regularly. This one made me do it. I think Mitr has expressed beautifully what I also wanted to say. You cannot give up on happiness and hope for a better life. Because if you do, there is no where to go. You just have to keep saying to yourself that ‘this shall too pass’. I really hope things work in your favor soon.

    Take care

    Hi Naan, Yes…I do keep saying “this too shall pass”. Just wondering how many more times for how many more years I have to say it 😀

  5. Believe in yourself .. I know u can pass through all the hurdles …
    there is always light at the end of a tunnel … 🙂 Take care. .

    Thanks Arvind! I think some one has switched that light off! I am trying to find the damn switch! 🙂

  6. Hopefully you will see the light soon. Keep the confidence in you, don’t lose that. Life is like typing a password, you won’t know if it is right until you finish typing it.

    Nicely put Dinesh 🙂 Just that I feel I am typing the wrong one all the time! Need the forgot password link! Help! 😀

  7. don’t give up, apar. *hugs* i’ve been there recently and i have an idea how you feel, though you must be feeling it more cos you want a job, among many other things, while i wanted to quit my job from all the stress!

    Thanks Sulz! I know…I said I wanted to get the job so I can rant about it 😀 Hope things get better for both of us

  8. Don’t stop seeking that destination. I am sure it is just round the corner. The word “busy” is used so easily these days. I simply hate that word. Cheer up and please don’t hate yourself.

    Hi Varun! Yeah… “busy” is some excuse…right? Hope I find the destination soon. 🙂 Hope I am not walking in circles and missing that corner!! 😉

  9. *hugs* don’t quit girl, hang in there… things will get better. Mitr has said all that I want to say..
    And you will get your home, don’t say that it will probably never happen.


    Thanks Imp’s mom! Hope I get where ever soon. The wait is pretty frustrating!

  10. I’m confident that you’ll overcome this. Have faith and don’t hate yourself 🙂

    Thanks for the confidence Manasa! No I don’t hate myself per se…but there are days when I hate every decision I have made in life!

  11. Apar,

    Have faith and don’t lose hope. We are all there for you, silenty praying and hoping that this too shall pass. Please don’t lose heart.


    Thank you for your prayers Lakshmi. Please don’t stop! Hoping the one up there if there is someone, hears at least those! Deaf ears are all I get! 🙂

  12. Apar,

    Please don’t lose faith…I visit your blog to know how you are and A.Of the all we have seen each other in our school days.I know you,You are a smart,brilliant,beautiful girl and now a the same with woman status -more responsibilities with adjustments and sacrifices.I have told you to send me your CV – I will definetly pass it on to my known ref…

    I don’t understand ,why busy – doesn’t even want to look at his own blood – Why so much anger- Common this is life – simple bloody life- Ups and downs are there -Forget and Forgive – Why so much anger in a simple married life?

    Don’t lose hope – depression hurts and your A too- kids they don’t know anything – Only comprehends love –

    Luv and hugs,

    Bhu, The answers to your question “Why so much anger in a simple married life?” is a post by itself. Will pass on my resume to you. Trying hard not to let the depression take over me. As I have written, waiting for that break!! Thanks for the kind adjectives 🙂 Don’t know if I deserve them!

  13. I thought you were beginning to be alright now. You are just getting a lot confused, thats all. Once you get a job, or somethng to spend most of ur time, all these thoughts wont crop up. Please dont wait for destiny to lead you, you create your own destiny and then you will find your way out.

    Cheer up, apar. You look so bright when you smile 😀

    Hey Vimal :D, my nuts tend to go lose now and then. Sometimes more often. I am confused! Hope I untangle myself soon. 🙂

  14. More so what hit me was how many times I wanted to live a life with gay abandon.

    Abandon was gay? You didn’t realize it? 😀
    Cheer up, my friend. Life’s not all about crappy love movies and homosexual partners! 😀

    Nikhil! Trust you to come up with something like this 😀

    A mighty monarch in the days of old
    Made offer of high honour, wealth and gold,

    To one who should produce in form concise
    A motto for his guidance, terse yet wise—

    A precept, soothing in his hours forlorn,
    Yet one that in his prosperous days would warn.

    Many the maxims sent the king, men say.
    The one he chose: “This too shall pass away.”

    Oh, jewel sentence from the mine of truth!
    What riches it contains for age or youth.

    No stately epic, measured and sublime,
    So comforts, or so counsels, for all time

    As these few words. Go write them on your heart
    And make them of your daily life a part.

    Has some misfortune fallen to your lot?
    This too will pass away–absorb the thought.

    And wait; your waiting will not be in vain,
    Time gilds with gold the iron links of pain.

    The dark to-day leads into light to-morrow;
    There is no endless joy, no endless sorrow.

    Are you upon earth’s heights? No cloud in view?
    Go read your motto once again: This too

    Shall pass away; fame, glory, place and power,
    They are but little baubles of the hour,

    Flung by the ruthless years down in the dust.
    Take warning and be worthy of God’s trust.

    Use well your prowess while it lasts; leave bloom,
    Not blight, to mark your footprints to the tomb.

    The truest greatness lies in being kind,
    The truest wisdom in a happy mind.

    He who desponds, his Maker’s judgment mocks;
    The gloomy Christian is a paradox.

    Only the sunny soul respects its God.
    Since life is short we need to make it broad;

    Since life is brief we need to make it bright.
    Then keep the old king’s motto well in sight,

    And let its meaning permeate each day.
    Whatever comes, This too shall pass away.

    Poem by Ella Wheeler Wilcox

    Keep the faith dear.

    Wow! Very apt poem for me now! I really hope this too shall pass away. Thanks Reema for sharing this beautiful write up by Wilcox. I will try keep the faith.

  16. Wow, the poem Reema posted is amazing. Look how many friends you have here, Apar! I will keep thinking good thoughts for things to get even more wonderful for you! 🙂 Many blessings.

    Thanks Muse! Yeah, I got the poem printed out and stuck it on my closet door 😀 I am indeed blessed when it comes to my friends 🙂

  17. Dear Apar…

    Hi! I know has been long i have visited ur space..but trust me i do think of you often. Why do you think ‘A’ will have issues in his life? yeah..our society is narrow minded but you know he has a strong person like you to get strength from. Yes..you are strong..it is easy to advise others but to be in ur shoes is something else. Trust me…the faster you learn to ignore society and teach ur son the same..the better off you and the kid will be. People who point fingers at others have a serious emptiness in their lives that they decided to shy away from..so invest their time in small talk and making other’s lives miserable!…you are better than that…you are better than ‘them’. But i can agree on how annoying the wait is!! Is there not a way you could speed it up? Maybe write to some woman’s organisation in the USA and explain your issue to them…prolly they can guide you.

    I am yet to read your blog entries…will do it soon. Am caught up with same crap…but will get to be more regular soon and i am still ur bud :)..so feel free to reach out to me 🙂

    Hey Rajitha! Will definitely reach out to you and I know you are my bug 🙂 I have grown up ignoring society…so should not be tough. When it comes to A; I get worried. Guess he will be ok!

  18. oye chins up … and go easy on the vodka/tequila tommorow 😉

    Me the teetotaler. Me the have mocktails…what about you? 🙂

  19. Aw. Your post just took me to where I once was.

    Don’t worry hun, you’ll come out of it just fine. Just don’t quit. Ever.


    Oh and, you won’t find a home. You have to make one. And guess what, you’ve got all the right ingredients! 🙂

    Take care.

    Thanks Thespian! I will not quit, but there are moments I just wish I could. I don’t know about the ingredients though 😉

  20. ((((hugs)))) Apar, don’t give up. This world will be a better place one day. 🙂

    Thank you beadden! I sure hope it is for A’s sake at least! 🙂

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