It is Dec 14th! December is a month where lot of things have happened. I had A, my dad and my favourite cousin have their birthdays, I got married. Yes it would have been (it still is 😦 ) my 8th wedding anniversary today.
It is so easy looking back ain’t it? Looking back, I am questioning so many things. What have these 8 years meant to me? What if? What have I got for the last 8 years? Many would answer – your son! True…I have him. I love him and he is definitely all I have in life now. Though, I also tend to see him as a huge responsibility. I am scared. Would life have been different if I did not have him? Of course. I might probably not be alive writing this post! Assuming, I did live, would it have been different? Again yes. I would probably not be with my parents. I would not have many constraints I currently have (which many fail to get!) when looking out for a job.
Do I have regrets that my marriage ended (or to be factually correct – is ending) ? Not really. I just want all the legalities to be done with at this point of time. I must thank a special someone and a few friends for making me realise that it was not worth it to brood over and that I could not have done anything different.
I have been told to be strong. I don’t understand what that means! Does confessing that you are scared of what the future holds at this point mean you are not strong? Does crying over losing 8 years of your life make you weak? I am scared. I do cry at times when I am overwhelmed. If that makes me weak, so be it.
I was telling a friend earlier that I have accepted my situation. She said that I had not accepted but am resigned to what is happening in life. I probably am resigned. I can do nothing about anything. I know many would say oh you can do this or that! I really wish I could….but I have realised there is nothing to be done but wait. I am waiting for P to file for divorce (yeah…the guy still has not!!!) He sends me money though every month. Thanks P. I am waiting for some gaps in communication to be filled (can’t explain now! 😦 ) I am waiting for something to look forward to in life. I do not blame life or destiny. I am not whining here….it is just a matter of fact. I wish I don’t merely exist but live my life – not just my son’s life! (I know I am not the ideal mother/woman….blasphemy that I wish I had a life and did not live for the only person I have in life!!!!!)
I spoke my mind to someone today. That person did not even respond – did neither deny nor accept what I said. I don’t know what to make of it. I said I would draw my own conclusions – rather stick to my ideas about that person. Again silence. I think I have burnt that bridge but I don’t feel bad about that either!!
Have I become so cynical that nothing matters? If nothing did, why am I writing this entry? I never ever took new year resolutions. To me, it is just another day but I wish it is not this year. I wish and hope things change. I am tired of my life. Weird, I have not lost hope on a few things I hold dear. I am hoping those happen.
I refrained from writing totally depressing entries. I could not help this! As I key this in, A is asleep. I just feel lost. Waiting sucks…. I wish I get that call I have been waiting for, I wish I get a job, I wish that the divorce was truly done with,I wish A never ever misses his father growing up. Weirdly, as much as I hope all those happen, it feels like there really is nothing that will. It feels like I will keep existing till the end whenever that is (sometimes I wish it came sooner)!