It is Dec 14th! December is a month where lot of things have happened. I had A, my dad and my favourite cousin have their birthdays, I got married. Yes it would have been (it still is 😦 ) my 8th wedding anniversary today.

It is so easy looking back ain’t it? Looking back, I am questioning so many things. What have these 8 years meant to me? What if? What have I got for the last 8 years? Many would answer – your son! True…I have him. I love him and he is definitely all I have in life now. Though, I also tend to see him as a huge responsibility. I am scared. Would life have been different if I did not have him? Of course. I might probably not be alive writing this post! Assuming, I did live, would it have been different? Again yes. I would probably not be with my parents. I would not have many constraints I currently have (which many fail to get!) when looking out for a job.

Do I have regrets that my marriage ended (or to be factually correct – is ending) ? Not really. I just want all the legalities to be done with at this point of time. I must thank a special someoneΒ  and a few friends for making me realise that it was not worth it to brood over and that I could not have done anything different.

I have been told to be strong. I don’t understand what that means! Does confessing that you are scared of what the future holds at this point mean you are not strong? Does crying over losing 8 years of your life make you weak? I am scared. I do cry at times when I am overwhelmed. If that makes me weak, so be it.

I was telling a friend earlier that I have accepted my situation. She said that I had not accepted but am resigned to what is happening in life. I probably am resigned. I can do nothing about anything. I know many would say oh you can do this or that! I really wish I could….but I have realised there is nothing to be done but wait. I am waiting for P to file for divorce (yeah…the guy still has not!!!) He sends me money though every month. Thanks P. I am waiting for some gaps in communication to be filled (can’t explain now! 😦 ) I am waiting for something to look forward to in life. I do not blame life or destiny. I am not whining here….it is just a matter of fact. I wish I don’t merely exist but live my life – not just my son’s life! (I know I am not the ideal mother/woman….blasphemy that I wish I had a life and did not live for the only person I have in life!!!!!)

I spoke my mind to someone today. That person did not even respond – did neither deny nor accept what I said. I don’t know what to make of it. I said I would draw my own conclusions – rather stick to my ideas about that person. Again silence. I think I have burnt that bridge but I don’t feel bad about that either!!

Have I become so cynical that nothing matters? If nothing did, why am I writing this entry? I never ever took new year resolutions. To me, it is just another day but I wish it is not this year. I wish and hope things change. I am tired of my life. Weird, I have not lost hope on a few things I hold dear. I am hoping those happen.

I refrained from writing totally depressing entries. I could not help this! As I key this in, A is asleep. I just feel lost. Waiting sucks…. I wish I get that call I have been waiting for, I wish I get a job, I wish that the divorce was truly done with,I wish A never ever misses his father growing up. Weirdly, as much as I hope all those happen, it feels like there really is nothing that will. It feels like I will keep existing till the end whenever that is (sometimes I wish it came sooner)!


12 thoughts on “Untitled

  1. U will be just fine. Hang in therel good things happen for people who wait ! All of us are with you, please keep your spirits high. and most importantly, take care.

    I hope so!!! And thank you Vimmuuu

  2. i cry very easily when stressed and many people think i’m weak, spoiled and all that. but crying when you’re hurt releases the pain, as people might groan or shout when they hurt physically. so just remember that you’ve got a lot of pain to release the next time you cry, not because you’re weak.

    if you feel you are just merely living for your son, try doing something that doesn’t involve him. try out a new hobby, or meet friends without bringing A along.

    if you can’t do anything about a situation except wait, then don’t just wait. do something to distract your mind from waiting. when you aren’t thinking so much about something to come, it’ll come faster than you think and at the same time you’re being productive while you wait. or do something to make what you’re waiting go faster if possible.

    i hope something will happen for you soon, whether as a result of waiting or you doing something about it! *hugs*

    A few practical difficulties leaving A and going out alone. It is only a few times I feel overwhelmed or when somebody tells me that I have nothing/no one except A! I hope something happens too Sulz!! Thank you!

  3. ” I don’t understand what that means! Does confessing that you are scared of what the future holds at this point mean you are not strong? Does crying over losing 8 years of your life make you weak?”

    No dear!!! crying or confessing doesn’t mean u r not strong. Being strong means its ok that u cried or admitted your fears but u have to do something to overcome these difficult moments of life. Being strong is having the determination to be happy no matter what or how. Being strong is not to wallow in self pity but to be pro-active about how to solve the problem, how to keep the mind off from depressing thoughts. Being strong is to believe the best is yet to be, this too shall pass away and to keep the faith.
    I too have cried many nights due to some people in my personal life but soon I realized that what all crying does is give me a severe headache and swollen eyes. It doesnt lighten the heart as it is reputed to do! So whenever I felt like a crying session coming over (esp during PMS) I watched movie or read novel or chatted or blogged just to keep my mind busy till I felt sleepy. πŸ™‚

    Yeah Reema! I personally do not think it is being weak. There are times I am overwhelmed. And yes, it does not lighten the heart either. I have (had) a friend I used to talk to; that was a sure shot cure. Hoping to get back in touch with that special friend! πŸ˜€ Let me not even start about PMS!!!

  4. Apar, I think of you many a days, read your blogs every time you post( not always left comment).You have no idea how strong you are. To admit your anxieties, fears and some regrets, that too publicly on a blog, take lots of courage. I ,personally, am no where near that. I pray for you and A especially during this Xmas season. hugs Apar!

    Thanks Shy! I had been asked why I posted my experiences online. My answer is simple :I get support from friends like you. A lot who are blind to such things become aware of the same. There are also so many people who have been through similar situations too. I will mail you, so you can mail me any time you just want someone to listen to you…that helps? πŸ™‚

  5. Lots of Sagittarius in the family!

    I like what Sulz above has said, about distracting yourself. Try not to be alone too much, sometimes you need to stop thinking …

    Oh yeah…lot of Sagittarius! πŸ™‚ I try it most of the time. Triggers like these; it hits hard…very hard 😦

  6. Amen to what Sulz has said!!
    “Waiting” for a time in the future where we tend to project our
    happiness is really a problem!! Time is now and happiness is now.
    Please try to distract yourself from the “waiting”…I know a friend
    who got divorced recently too. She was depressed for a while and then
    joined some painting/sketching classes. And from one who didnt know the
    ABC of sketching, she is now painting beautifully on canvas!
    I am sure there are lots of hidden talents in you too which are just
    waiting to come out..It will be a good way to distract your mind
    from anticipating good things ‘only’ in the future or fearing about bad things happening in the future..

    Take care

    Living in the now is a lot harder Lakshmi!! 😦 Besides, the now also does not seem that great! 😦 but I kind of get by!! Some days are harder

  7. I hope this new year brings in lots of happiness along. I am sure it will. If you feel there are no people to listen to you or people don’t respond to what you have to say, all you need to do is just write about it here. We are here to listen to anything and everything you have say and you can be rest assured that you will get responses.

    Take care and please stop thinking about the ‘END’. There are better things to think about!

    I am trying to take care but am thinking of when these things would end…not necessarily the “END”. Thank you for listening to all my rants! This is precisely the answer that should go out to all those who ask me why I write these on my blog! πŸ™‚

  8. Why worry about the past? You’ll hurt yourself the more you think of past matters.

    Thing is, it still is the present! Divorce has not yet even been filed for! It is kind of weird. I am legally married! but not really!! 😦

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s