Neither here nor there!

This post has been coming for quite some time now! I have shared this with some people I know about how I don’t feel like I belong. It was not that I felt like I belonged in the US when I was there. I was adapting to the life and learning to love the weather, the people – Many friends who were there who shared my dilemma or did not (I mean those who got the opportunity to work there).Β  It was not a great life, but it was supposedly my home. I put in my time to work on it, decorate & maintain it. Put in thoughts to make it feel like a home – welcomed friends to home cooked meals, hopefully made them feel nice. I did not like American football. To me, football would always be their soccer. Though, I was initiated into it by a friend who taught his kids’ school teams. I remember one time when we had friends over for the Superbowl when the guy taught P the nuances of the game and he was surprised I had picked up so much in just a conversation in some summer barbeque. We had watched the game over Indian food, red wine & awesome cheese,Β  pleasant company.

I digress….anyways…the point is after almost 5 or 6 years, I guess I had actually grown roots there. Fast forward to now! I am living under my aging parents roof facing divorce (phew …even I am tired of saying “soon to be ex” when I talk about P) I have been hearing about how he has been packing my stuff since Dec ’06, how he has been talking to the lawyers since only he knows when!! I am yet to receive the papers or our stuff! Life has been weird here. Bittersweet in a way. Found new friends in fellow bloggers. We connect well. They care a lot for A & me….still I feel lonely. Desparate. Feel like I don’t belong here now. Another 5 year haul to grow roots here with A in tow?! I am scared of facing this conservative society – when they hear of divorce it is my fault! At 32, without many skills to boast of , I don’t know where I am headed. I have realised that it is each to one’s own. Everyone is busy, they have their lives. I was one who let go of everything if a friend asked me for help or just called to talk. Guess, back in the US, friends become family. Here I have a family. They are concerned…I know that but are not always considerate because of their own circumstances. Friends are at a loss for even words. No one knows what to say. I am not trying to play the victim here and enjoying it as one person told me. Believe me it is not fun being the victim. Just plain fact that things are not easy. I feel like I don’t belong.

I feel like I left my friends behind there but when I read their blogs or chat with them, I no longer relate to them or their lifestyle/attitude even. I feel like I have no one here in India. I know my parents would rather not have me here at their place; but they are glad I am not somewhere suffering alone. They can’t do much but they can provide a safe shelter. They don’t know what they must do except know that their daughter & grandkid must not suffer. I don’t speak much to my parents because it mostly ends in confrontations ( a whole different post…probably will never get written!) I am just tired of being the depressed person that needs to crib to friends. I feel like I am pushing them away. They don’t know what to say because I don’t want to hear clichΓ©s or talk about karma /God/ time. Nobody can really help me out in a way either.I know I have A. Though I know that he right now is more of a responsibility; I cannot think of how I would manage if P stops sending the money that he is sending me right now! What then? My parents have no income and are living off their savings. So, A, unless I am financially stable, makes me think I made a huge mistake having him. Live in the present people might say….then when I am broke tomorrow, how do A & I live?

Just a day when I think it must all end!


20 thoughts on “Neither here nor there!

  1. I hear ya and understand what you mean. I can relate to what you say in a different way.

    hmmm… honestly though one of the triggers was your latest post πŸ™‚

  2. how could a be a mistake? he brings joy to your life and adds meaning. you have an added responsibility of caring for him, but he is the one who makes you feel motivated to live life the right way. he helps you to set the right path. without him, it would be very easy to just give up on life in your current situation – you don’t have to care for anyone but yourself, and it could be very easy to not care about yourself when you’re plain fed up with almost everything in your life.

    That is precisely what I say….I could just give up. I don’t have that thread holding me back. I love A. He is all I have in life; but sometimes feel like enough is enough!!

  3. u dont sound good at alll…the way u r frankly able to write everything about your life in u r blog amazes me time and again ..calling u soon ..

    Am not good. Will talk to you. I don’t know how to write otherwise! I find myself being told I am being way too open. Me not the literate kind πŸ™‚ nor the imaginative…just plain old Apar πŸ™‚ boring!! πŸ™‚

  4. I know you don’t want cliches…but you’ve written about a couple of very fun times you’ve had recently. Could this down time be the result of the let-down of everyday life after such fun? I agree with sulz, also. I think it’s good to go out with your friends, too, and who knows? Maybe one will know of a job or a living situation for you. You are in my thoughts.

    Thanks Muse. It is nice to go out with friends and leave the trouble behind; just that it feels bad when I get back to reality! 😦 as you set a result of let-down of everyday life after fun!!

  5. Not too mature to give comments or advice on it.But wud like to say try to see the smaller, happier things and hold on to them. All the best…and take care

    oh yeah!! not too mature!! I feel that way too…just chronologically old. I don’t think age matters here…it is difficult at any age!

  6. reading back my earlier comment, i think i sounded harsher than i intended it to be. sorry if i hurt your feelings with that comment… i feel very strongly about kids. they may come at the wrong time and do a lot of wrong things but i don’t think they can be a mistake, even if it was part of your decision (or otherwise) to have the child. a child in your life, no matter how wrong the circumstances were or will be, is always a blessing. and you probably know that deep down…

    no Sulz…you were not harsh and you did not hurt me either. As I replied, A is all I have and I love him. Just at times, I want to escape! That is the huge escapist in me talking!

  7. First time at your blog.. and just wanted to say , that my heart goes out to you.. Not that anything any of us say , will make much of a difference – one BIG hug. Hope things work out for you.

    Welcome here Smitha! Thank you! It is reading to my rants that makes a huge difference πŸ™‚ and taking the time to comment, even more πŸ˜€

  8. First of all, I think there is no such thing called a coincidence – things happen for a reason, and the reason is more often than not, good. You probably did the right thing in coming back to India, because compared to NY, people here bond quickly! How long have I known you? 4 to 5 months? Do you think if I’d met you in NY, we’d be this close? No. No matter what, roots grow quicker in India, because there’re roots already existing here. Think about it. I’m usually right. πŸ™‚
    As far as ‘A’ is concerned, you both need each other more now than ever. Who says you lack skills? Have you considered writing? Writing professionally? Journalism? Go to the Hindu office right now and talk to the editor, and become a journalist, because with your language skills, you could make a great news editor! I’m gonna mail you on this.
    There is always a way out of any situation, and panic/desperation clouds your judgment. Relax, sit back for a while, take a deep breath and smile at the things you have. The door shall open… πŸ™‚

    True! I guess roots do grow faster here πŸ™‚ I am thankful for friends like you. In NY, had we met; we might have changed mail IDs/ phone #s…may or may not have called. Writing…you are kidding me!:) Trying to relax, and yeah smiling at what I do have – but there are those moments (ok more like days) of panic/desperation when such posts come forth!!!

  9. And there I go again, commenting longer than the post! πŸ™‚

    I like your long comments πŸ™‚ and no it was not longer than the post which has gone on and on ranting/cribbing!!

  10. I liked Nikhil’s advice. Try to spread ur resume as much as possible..start with any small job to keep your mind busy.

    Trying Reema! Wish me luck πŸ˜€

  11. hi.. i m glad u blog.. atleast it helps u vent out the feelings..

    u r right sometimes it feels if you could just leave everyone behind and go someplace where no one knows u and start a fresh life.. but where will it lead.. making new friends.. sharing your life story with them and back to where it started..

    hang in tight, things will turn up for better.. u have ur family & friends and your kid.. who needs u most this time.. and u need to help ur kid with his life too..

    finding a job as Nikhil has suggested is a great step ahead, it will not only secure ur financial position but also help stabilising ur life.

    Thanks Oorja! Blogging has definitely helped me get great friends! And yes like Srividya says here there is no escape!!
    There are those days when all those thoughts hit me, and there are those when I just keep waiting!

    sorry for the long comment, had to write all this..

  12. I’m sorry for the way you are feeling. I can’t say I know how you feel from personal experience because I’ve never been torn between two countries like that. However, I often do feel like no matter where I am that I should be somewhere else and then when I switch I feel it should be the other way around. So I guess I’m just a dizzy woman. LOL. Seriously, I do hope you will feel settled and content in the near future. It might be worth trying to throw yourself into something like a group that does something you enjoy as a hobby. Maybe organize a craft workshop at the local library or something. Sometimes you do really have to put yourself out there in order to get a response and it can be difficult but it can also be extremely rewarding and lead to other things.

    Welcome here Teeni! Yeah been trying to have some fun. Previous posts would talk about the fun we had at bloggers’ meet here. Guess it is deeper than just being torn between 2 places! or just that dizzy feeling you talk about πŸ™‚

  13. wow…i suddenly went numb reading all that. and i thought i had problems!

    i know u must be getting loads of consolation and sympathy rt now, but i dont think that’s all u need. I just pray for God to bless you and your son with strength. and yes, patience.

    Take care. *hugs*

    As I keep telling others, hope God hears some one at least!! Thanks Thespian! Hope you can sort out all your problems! Take care too! πŸ™‚

  14. Hi Apar

    Dont want to start the whole God/Karma/Time thing… M sure you have heard enough of that.

    Now, lets get down to ground realities. Everybody and trust me when I say this Everybody on this planet Earth has some skill or the other that he is better than a lot of others… Discover that skill of yours!! If you still cant, then the best way would be to think of what you enjoy doing… it could be something as simple as stitching or even programming or maybe even decorating a room… find out what you want to do… and then focus on getting trained in it… There are enough courses around… Enroll into one!

    Start afresh! with a clean slate! and yeah most importantly, with a gift as beautiful as A, never ever contemplate on what happened.. Look into the future… not back!

    God bless!

    Trying a lot Nova! Though things have not been tied up completely…lots and lots of loose ends that I actually can do nothing about. Once that is done, I suppose I can actually move on. Thanks for caring! πŸ™‚

  15. I can’t say I totally identify with your situation but I definitely can identify with feeling out of place. I have felt that for a long time. I left my first home, Singapore, and was in New Zealand for 5 years in my teenage years and then back to Singapore and now, finally, I am in Boise. I have never felt “in place” long enough for my roots to grow anywhere. And it gets so much harder now that I’m older to truly make friends – so I know how you feel about that.

    But one thing I can say, as much as you feel the heavy responsibility of having a child amidst this chaos – he will definitely turn out to be the joy in your life. But I do know the feeling! Some days, I just want to scream from the roof out of frustration!

    Hang in there ok?

    Well, thing was I do have my roots here in Chennai, grew up here! Still weirdly, it does not feel like home – as in, I feel I have no place! Don’t know…but yeah screaming from the roof top – am so there gal! πŸ˜€

  16. Sometimes you have to keep going straight into the dark tunnel without knowing when you will see the light. But when you do, you will love to say “Oh, hear it is at last”. Until then it will seem to never end, but what needs to be done is keep moving, otherwise you will not reach the light. Just be hopeful that there is light waiting for you. Everyone gets one during dark times.

    The light?! where is that?! I honestly don’t mind seeing that light one supposedly sees in the very end…ok..getting morbid here. Though I think I need to find that switch to that light; some one has switched it off and I am groping in the dark alone!!

  17. Come home! Talk to me!!! Talk to my mom!!! & No two ways about this! I know I can help.. but you need to reach out..

    Love ya,
    Me! πŸ™‚

    Am coming, you! πŸ˜‰ will talk to aunty & you!

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