acceptability · analysis? · behaviour · divorce · emotions · hurt · India · life · love · opinion · questions · tradition

Remarriage!

Reema had written this post on the issue of remarriage of widows, widowers, the attitude ofย  Indian society toward both. I agree to every single thing that she has written.

This post though stems from a different situation – an extension to what she has penned in already. From what I have heard and faced over the recent past; I should say that the attitude extends to divorced men & women too. In this day of rising divorces & broken marriages, I don’t know how many go through all this!

It is so easy for people to accept a man take on another wife while it is blasphemy if a woman thinks of the same. There are some who say, if it happens it is alright but don’t go looking for a relationship. A relationship went south once…so take care or live for your kid, get a career. Suggestions to forget one’s needs or replace them (one supposedly would be too busy to notice and when you do, you would be too old and it would be too late. Worry about it now – then the response Why are you thinking of something so far away?!? ๐Ÿ™‚ ).ย  A woman is not strong enough if she looks for a partner – get a grip! is what one hears. You will be fine! Though it is absolutely acceptable that the man “moves on”, dates, finds a partner proactively!!

I am just reminded of Revathi’s Marupadiyum (Shabana Azmi’s Arth in Hindi) where the woman chooses to be single. The dialogue sticks out in my head now : the heroine says the woman has grown up being a daughter of some man taking that name, then she takes on her husband’s name, then the mother of her kids.

So, when ever will the woman live for herself and not be penalised for it? Let a single woman be; if she wants it that way, let a woman not take her husband’s name; if she wants that….and if a divorcee (well in India you are that…not single again!) wants to live alone – so be it or if she looks for a relationship…why not?

Personal choices have no place! Being judged by society, being stamped as whatever – will these ever stop?There are times when I think single women (widows & divorcees) make that choice because of the attitudes she may have to face finally. It gets to you – the society….even if you don’t want to care, at some point it does overwhelm you to resign yourself to fate!

If this is the plight of women in a city where most of the population is educated. I don’t even want to think of those in villages where “tradition” has its place! Poor women stuck in marriages where abuse is the norm (physical, emotional, sexual….)

I doubt if these prejudices would ever end! At least I don’t think they will in my lifetime. I don’t even think I am being negative here. I feel that I am being practical – cynical yes, but pragmatic! Here is to hoping I am wrong!

Next time, some one wants to say “get a grip!” , “stay strong” – Stop!! The woman probably is doing it already!!

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16 thoughts on “Remarriage!

  1. well , time is changing .. may not be visible during our life time but still there will be a day when there wont be much prejudice we have in our society right now.. and i am sure about it ..

    I can tell you of personal experience – no! It is not! Exceptions are there…but they are just that, exceptions!

  2. But we see many more single women today than a few years ago. I think the Cosmopolitan culture in larger cities is perfectly fine with live and let live, though smaller towns may find too many people wanting to know why and how and till when etc.

    What’s best is I know many single women independent and very happy on their own ๐Ÿ™‚
    I love ‘Sex and the City’. But you have to be very successful to live like that!

    Exactly!! You have to be very successful and that is not so easy without any support/backing!… Besides IHM, I live in a cosmopolitan city, and what I have written about is what happens to me – not from those in India alone; but some of them who live in so called western society too!!

  3. I completely agree with you..
    But people say times are changing and i dont find it so digestive anywhere..
    I mean i have someone very close to my heart who got divorced from her husband who was impotent.
    Now when she is still a girl like one another we see around,she cannot claim to be a single girl.Society forces her,family to realize that she is divorced girl who filed divorce against a innocent chap.
    Even though i am a man, i hate this society of men where equal rights are given for namesake and but within its not felt strongly to support women of today equally.

    But i am there to support and be there for the girl who is none other than my own sister.

    Thanks for the post, it gives a sort of triggering effect.

    Welcome here Mahesh! I can totally understand your plight; more so your sister’s. I did not add in the post that usually, if it is a divorce that made the girl single, it is most definitely her fault alone. The guy involved is totally innocent (I have to say that I do know of guys suffering too in some cases – percentage definitely low)
    Kudos to you for being supportive to your sister. It will mean a lot to her I am sure ๐Ÿ™‚
    I think though this post was festering in my mind for quite some time, I should thank Reema for pushing me to write it by writing her post.

  4. I am glad I inspired you to write such a straight from the heart post. Live and let live – that should be everyone’s motto.

    Thank you Reema for giving that push to write something that had been festering in my mind for quite a while now ๐Ÿ™‚

  5. Truly enjoyed reading it… cos i think like u do… let each one make their life choices and live by them…. i wish the SOCIETY would just shut up and go mind their own business!!!

    Thanks Aaarti! We will live the way we want to! ๐Ÿ˜€

  6. Marupadiyum was a movie that I loved – shows the metamorphosis of the lead character very well. I totally hear you on letting the woman be and let her do what she wants to. I am totally sick of the idea that she needs a man (father, brother, husband, son) to protect her and shield her from the miseries all the time…

    It is all about what one wants for oneself and being allowed to get that. Wonder when we all can make our choices without fear of judgement!

  7. Well written, Apar. The society is just being held back by people with such parochial thoughts.
    Good news is their numbers are dwindling. One way to shut the judgemental people up is to stop hearing them out and live life by the standards we set for ourselves. An advantage in following the “Live and Let Live” policy, is that it also teaches the next generation to be broad minded…

    Hope these numbers dwindle faster is what I wish for ๐Ÿ™‚

  8. Hey Apar..as usual a good post. Actually some whom i love very much is going thru the opposite. she is widowed and does not want to deal with marriage and pretty fine with raising her kids and having a career..but there are so many ppl. who keep pushing her to get married!…as you said…in the end of the day…why can’t women make the choices they want!!…it is indeed annoying…off to read reema’s post

    Exactly my point! The choice must be left to the woman! Be it to be single or not….Hope the person you have written about can stand all this nonsense of interference and get what she wants.

  9. well according to me people can go to hell,I do what I want with my life,if they think they can do anything to me,I tell them on their to go to hell…

    But this isn’t about me…the thing is society’s attitude should change..right from the time we are kids,we see so many things and learn and observe so that we are accepted..But few of us down the line,learn the line between the right and the wrong and decide to stand up,that is the difference…

    be yourself,let others find their way to their God’s hell or heaven

    (a comment after a long time without a smiley)

    Yay!! I got a comment from Vishesh with absolutely no smileys!! Jokes apart! True…though in practice, it isvery hard to ignore the so called society. At some point or other it does get to you, and standing up for your rights gets all the more hard! When you are yourself, you end up being called really rude names that at some point one cannot handle!!!

  10. we’ve already had a little discussion similar to this..

    i feel it is a personal choice.. though i would want a woman to be independent but opting for a second marriage is totally acceptable. would be a good decision in many of the cases.

    Yes we did have a discussion. I should say that independence has nothing to do with companionship in life! A woman could be independent, yet be married. I cannot understand why marriage is perceived as ceasing of independence!

  11. itz a personal choice if a woman wants to marry, stay single etc etc and all tht jazz!!! yes the society see’s such women differently…but the same society advocated for sati a 100 years ago!!1 well one could argue y it sould take a 100 years to change stuff….well it does take more than a 100 years to educate more than a billion ppl.

    I am sure you would agree we are gettin der…and yes it is a very slow process! Cheers to tht tho!

    We are getting there Prasad – but the rate at which we are doing it is horrible!!! Personal choices are hardly respected in any area not just this

  12. However personal a choice is, this damn society wouldnt let it be that way. I second all your points. Men are more privileged in our society than women when it comes to remarriage.

    Men are more privileged. Even when going in for a remarriage, a man can get to choose from the whole lot. Remarriage for a woman – percentage is less and it is extremely difficult for a guy to accept. It would almost always be a compromise!! If the woman has a kid, then forget it! Sad state of affairs!!!

  13. I’ve also found that people feel they need to make someone the enemy in a divorce situation. For instance, even though they were not part of the marriage and were friendly with both parties previously, they somehow feel a need to break off and side with either the woman or the man. I find this extremely strange since in many cases with mature people, there is no reason for anyone to choose sides (unless the case of abuse or something). People just like to seem to get involved where they have no business and to judge others when they haven’t any idea of what the couple experienced. I do hope this gets better and I, for one, now make it a point to not immediately judge or choose sides.

    True Teeni! I have had people who have just stopped communicating with me because of the situation I am in. I never judge people (thinking of writing a post on that and extended issues ๐Ÿ™‚ ) When a relationship falls apart, it just does. It is totally up to the couple to patch up or break loose as is fit! Either or both could have been wrong but it is for them to sort out – not the society! In India, every single thing is under scrutiny with chauvinism! At some point it gets to you ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

  14. Get A GRIP!!! Stop bi$%ing and moaning about your plight and move on with your life! Go do whatever it is that you want to do and stop using society as an excuse to not break out of the rut that you seem to be stuck in. The past is the past. S#it Happens. Society is “EVIL”.

    “Society” will never change until YOU start!! Force the change starting with yourself and you will surprised how fast “Society” adapts.

    -S

    P.S. I am not denying anything that has been said in this post.

    Welcome here Pragmatic S!! All I can do is smile at your comment. One keeps saying that society will never change! Note that the people who form the society are us. I am fighting and hard at that….but everyone breaks with pressure. It is the amount of pressure one can stand at the end of the day. Hope I can stand it as time goes by when I am doing what I want to do in life
    Btw, am not “bi$%ing and moaning about” my plight. I have just stated what happens here. About moving on – have been doing that for a long time now. No one here is wallowing in self pity or anything. I am doing what it takes to live my life. In fact I know I am personally pretty blessed to have people like my parents, grandma, A and my friends around!!

  15. As somebody who has been through far worse that what you seem to have, trust me, the only way you are going to move on is to stop ruminating on what happened. This is like any other addiction. Without realising it or doing it on purpose, you are sticking to what you know because that is a known evil. Pick a date, go get drunk or dancing or pig out on favorite food or whatever it is that floats your boat (basically do something intensely personal) and say this is it and move on. Stop thinking about it,stop talking about it, stop writing about it, stop ruminating about it. Like the great man Forrest Gump said “S#it Happens”. NOTHING, I repeat NOTHING is more important than your own peace of mind. You are alive, healthy (hopefully have all your limbs), have an education, a family. You are better off than about 40% of 6 Billion people.

    My two cents.
    -S

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