behaviour · emotions · friends · hurt · learning · life · love · opinion

Judgements

Of  late, I have been wondering how one is so easily judgmental. It does not matter that all the facts are not known. From the limited knowledge, one just assumes and makes an opinion of another person. So much so, uses phrases like “I hate”.

I personally have always felt that “hate” is a very strong word. I don’t think I have ever hated anyone so far. Hope I never do. To every person, there are two sides. Condemning one because of what one hears is pretty extreme. I try see the goodness in most people. If I don’t know the person well enough, I just would hope that one has a reason for what one does. 

There are many who say “oh you must so hate P”. I want to say here that – no, I don’t hate him. I don’t love him but that does not mean I hate him. We had our differences. I thought we were sorting them out. For reasons known to him, he decided to call it quits despite having a kid. He, according to most of us, has made a bad choice. According to him, it is right. Only time can tell. Do I need to hate him? I don’t like the consequences of the choices he made on my life. I am left to pick up pieces that sometimes don’t even exist. 

The worst part of it all, is being judged. I am told I must not care. Repeatedly I say that it hits you hard at times. All these negative vibes. The ranting or the crying does not necessarily mean you don’t have a grip about the situation. It does not mean that you are weak or not so strong! 

Being told that there are people who are worse off than you does not make your pain go away. One could feel sorry for the other person it still does not make your troubles/worries disappear. I just feel it is mean to think “Oh I am better off than the other person whose troubles seem worse!” Each plays with the cards one is dealt with in his/her way. Advice welcome; whether it is suitable or not is for that person who is going through the situation to decide. Yelling or swearing or comparing does not help in any way. Percentages of who are worse off than you also brings forward who are better off than you – right? So, instead of feeling supposedly better, one  might feel worse too! 

It just boils down to how one gets so judgemental. Please do not unless you know every bit of the story from all angles. Do not decide to hate a person from what one hears. It is better not to have an opinion than to form the wrong ones. Am not going to say don’t hate , spread love. Though a little tolerance does go a long way. After all we are all here for this lifetime. Why not make it pleasant for all those around us? 

On the personal front, despite my rants; I am trying my damnedest to get somewhere. I still believe in love. I hope to write about more happy and positive happenings that I & A experience.

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17 thoughts on “Judgements

  1. Hi Apar. Good post! I love the idea of spreading love… If our life is going to be worth anything,.. it must start with LOVE.

    Thanks Spillay! Just started feeling that I was getting a lot of negative vibes & strong words that would pull anyone down. This life is tough as it is, and I did not want to listen to crap anything like that.

  2. Oh, Apar! What a wonderful point you bring to the front in this post. I am going to make more of an effort to use your idea of “not having an opinion” rather than immediately jumping to one side or another simply based on what someone else hears. I only feel it is fair to make my own opinion based on what I experience and not what someone else tells me. I am sorry for what you and I and others have gone through when a marriage falls apart. But I am learning from this and hopefully growing as a person. Thank you!

    As MsCP has said, if someone has nothing good to say, it is better to keep quiet is something I am also learning. It is pretty difficult not to be judgemental. Though my own reactions to judgements on me have made me stop to think before doing that to another person 🙂

  3. Hate is a strong word to me,but used very casually used by many. Brings to mind one of my friends Ul recently said in a post’ Be kinder than necessary, everybody is fighting their on battles inside’.
    god bless Apar.

    How true! Everyone is fighting their battles. Some bring it out in the open, others don’t. Does not mean that those who don’t are better or stronger…right?!

  4. I think ‘Hate’ is a strong word too, but when a friend asked me recently, I realized I hate a few things too, like – I hate Hypocricy / Double Standards – & people who indulge in them.. I hate people who indulge in meaningless gossip / rumors.. I hate being woken up on saturday morning, as it turns out that is the only day I don’t have to get up at 5.45 these days.. 🙂

    I guess that list can go on if I think deeper..

    I think we all have our zone of extremities. Just because I hate something like being woken up, what will I do when someone wakes me in the morning? My reaction to something that I hate, i think is equally important.. you know? Like, if someone tells me gossip, after 10 minutes of nonsense, I think would just shut off or tell them to fly a kite! 🙂

    This is an interesting debate..

    I don’t think I could hate a person though.. You are right about that.. I think with time, I am the kind who would analyse it in my head and either just let go or forgive and forget.. I don’t let anything or anyone get to me for long enough. I strongly believe that nobody deserves the right to hurt me, and I don’t let anyone have that much of a right in my life either.. 😀

    Too long a comment, huh? OOPS!

    (P.S – I hate long comments!!!) 😀

    I love long comments!! 😀 They give a better idea of whether the point the post has made has reached or not 🙂
    About hating certain things like those you mentioned, yeah ;I suppose all of us do..yet all of us do indulge in those knowingly or not. I can’t really hate any person though – not worth carrying that emotion through our lives.

  5. There is a metaphysical theory that states that what you give emotional intensity to strengthens. It seems to be true in my life. So when I am happy, and make sure I think kindly about everyone I meet, my life goes smoother, and I am of more use to people. But when I feel negatively toward them or a situation, it comes back to me as well.
    This is my roundabout way of saying I agree with your points here; I think they are very well put! 😀

    Thanks Muse! I did not know about the metaphysical theory 🙂

  6. Point well made, Apar. Everyone has their own ways of getting themselves “up”. What works for one person might not work for another. There is no need for people to get all huffy about what another person is doing with his life. (rather what the former thinks the latter is doing).

    One very basic take away from here is this: if one does not have a genuine, kind thing to say, he should just simply shut up.

    Thanks MsCP! That is really well put…if one does not have a kind thing to say…just shut up! 🙂

  7. I hate..hmm..dunno I hate god the most,or rather the idea of god organized religions thrust on us,even love is a strong word..imagine people telling I love icecreams :). anyway lets keep using them both and hopefully ur usage of the 4 letter L word is higher than the H word

    The 4 letter L word…yeah sounds good. When one does not believe God is there…does not matter right? For an atheist it should not matter. Besides, it is a personal thing hating or loving God as long as we don’t hurt someone else in the process.Point is to not hurt someone…that is it!

  8. nice post though we cant help hating somethings or some people in life.

    Go ahead Reema…hate things but stop and think before hating people! When being judgemental, take both sides rather all sides into consideration.

  9. Hi Apar…S again (commented on one of your earlier posts !)
    Totally agree with you , especially with the part about you not hating P despite all that you are going through .Being in a similar situation as you , I go through these emotions too and often wonder how people around expect me to hate someone who I once loved so much ! Is it possible ? True that the love gets lost somewhere amidst all the bitterness but could it ever be replaced by hatred?? I don’t think so !


    The point is not only about me not hating P here…but also about how some throw judgements around. I had written in some earlier post that it is not enough walking a mile in the other person’s shoes; but to walk that mile as the other person.
    It is really easy for me to hate P. I choose not to do so. I am not bitter either (yes, there are times I am but I am trying not to get that overwhelm me). If I let him rule my emotions, I let him get to me is what I think. I am learning not to care as long as it does not affect my son or me or my family. Not bothering about the other person, leading your life is the best message to the him saying “big deal…I give a damn to what you have done/ are doing”

  10. It is hard NOT feel the way we feel. I don’t hate, I can’t ever bring myself to that. But I understand where you are coming from when people tell you how you should or shouldn’t feel. Much easier said than done. Feelings don’t come with a switch. But what a nice thing it would be if they did!
    On the other hand I have been judgemental when I shouldn’t be. Wondering why people think or do things I don’t understand or don’t think is right.
    I try to change things like that, and it is hard. Not saying it can’t be done because I have had a few successful things happen by changing the way I feel about some things.
    I’m glad you still believe in love. I wish it for you. 🙂

    I just wish that we all stop and think before passing judgements! That is all! Wondering why one does something is alright – but associating them with adjectives: that is what I have written about. Thanks BD…I hope my belief in love does not come to zilch 😀

  11. hate is too strong a word. we may dislike some action of some person but not that we actually hate the person totally. hate would be to wish ill for someone, which is totally not acceptable.

    we are humans, we feel good, we feel bad these are emotions and that can not be controlled and should not be controlled.deny these and you might not be true to yourself.

    as on being judgemental on other people’s matters.. well.. people better stick to their own lives and leave others alone. there’s enough problems in our own lives to go looking for other’s gossips.

    On the hazard of repetition, will quote what MsCP has said…best not to say anything if you don’t have anything kind to say 🙂 To me, hate is way too strong and many of us use it very lightly. Though I get what you say about denying listening to emotions.

  12. 🙂 Dont talk unless you’ve been in that persons’ shoes…
    Dont judge when you don’t know the entire story!!

    valid points that all of us need to instill in our minds…as i keep telling you, its easy for me and others to tell you what you can do,but only you know what you are going thru!!

    As for the Hate thing, at times i think we mistake dislike as hate, even tho the ill feelings arent so deep…

    Well put 3Arti 🙂 We do seem to interchange dislike and hate. Judgements – I just responded to another comment – it is not even being in that person’s shoes, but being there with that person’s eyes!!

  13. Is this the post you mentioned that would be related to one of my recent ones? 😀

    You know what I have got to say about Love and Hate! I get misunderstood most of the times. I used to get angry before, now I am living with it 🙂

    Kinda Vimmuuu this is it…not entirely. Will post in parts 😉 I am just trying not to get angry/upset or lean towards hate. Learning just not to care (very difficult at times!! )

  14. how true…just because someone cries or is lost a bit in her past, it does not mean that the person is weak. As-usual..half the people assume if you cry…you are weak…if you smile…you are a happy go lucky person…if you do not crib and cry on issue…then that issue does not affect you. Isn’t it funny on how society wants you to behave..there are a set of rules to show an emotion and if you are any different…u should be not feeling it.

    Hey Rajitha!! Oh yes….stereotyping of emotions!! Haven’t we all faced that! When you cry, oh be strong. Say you did not, how heartless can you be? goes on!!!

  15. A good post on love and hate. I’ve never hated anyone. Recently I was on the brink of it for a brief one day and then I let it all out and now I don’t. In fact I extended my hand out in starting afresh, but I am guessing some want to disengage and not forget and move on.

    Love and hate are the opposite sides of the same coin. Indifference is when one has achieved nirvana (for ones who are hurt of course!)

    Of course there’s so much love out there, one should never forget it or stop believing in it. Take care 🙂

    Welcome here Rads! Thanks! Yeah I suppose you are right about love and hate being opposite sides of a coin. Why choose a negative feeling and fester upon it; spreading that around is what I think! It is not even about forgetting and moving on. Trust me, I could not forget what has happened to me. I don’t think I am anyone to forgive either, cos I don’t want to get into the blame game now. Though, it is my choice to hate or not hate anyone – I choose not to and I choose not to judge anyone without knowing the facts! 🙂

  16. Hi aparna, hate is also a feeling…if u do hate someone or something they did its ok, we are humans and we are designed to feel all that. love/hate,happiness/sadness,good/evil…..they all coexist.
    hate is what you would naturally feel towards a person who has betrayed you, (in the real sense of the word).dont analyse too much what you feel is real just get over it, time will heal take care of yourself and have a positive attitude towards life that will solve half of your worries……..

    Welcome here Kirthi! I did not deny that “hate” is a feeling too. This is just my take on hate. To me it is too strong a word or negative a feeling. I don’t do it. I do not hate anyone. There might be anger or resentment / dislike which I deal with when it surfaces, but hate – no! Analysis of what I feel or experience in life is something I will do till I die 🙂 and if there is something I hate – those are cliches about time healing! Sorry!!! Have written many many posts on that!

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