A colleague of mine had put up a facebook message asking why some people are so insecure. Another colleague had replied saying that one had to live as them to understand their logic. This is what triggered this post. I have had this conversation with many of my friends and sometimes even acquaintances. Some have just let go of the topic, some persist on how life’s perspective would change if I changed my perspective. I wonder if anyone ever changes just because someone asks them to. Personally, I have changed due to what has happened to me…how people have treated me, life’s experiences – not just because someone gave me a lecture of how it would be different! May be the lecture makes an impact somewhere in the psyche (at least I feel that person cares enough to tell me to feel good 🙂 )

On the same note, many of my friends do know me as a very pessimistic person. I am! 🙂 Some have given up asking me to think positive. My funda – if I expect the worst, and even if a slightly positive thing happens, it makes me pleased. Instead, I am positive, expect everything to just fall in place and even when nothing happens, neither positive nor negative; I am disappointed. I choose to be fatalistic just get the pleasure of smiling albeit for a few minutes. An example – a dear friend left town promising to keep in touch with many reassurances. I said to myself, let’s see…. it won’t happen, even if it does, it won’t last for more than a week. There are so many who are my friends with whom even emails are not exchanged!! When I get a call out of the blue from that friend who left, it just changed my day. I felt great. A person around me actually commented “Hey just a phone call, and you transformed!!”. It is early days still, I don’t know how long this would last and whether we would remain in touch (I don’t want to lose my friends… especially when I am looking at a really lonely life ahead)- but each time we do maintain contact, I am pleased.

So, at least in such instances, it probably pays to be insecure. Don’t ya think? I am insecure because I am tired of being positive, working towards everything and then something or the other happens only for me to fail. I do take things up, I work hard to succeed but do not expect to. I wish I had entered my now failed marriage thinking it is poised not to work so I might have been spared the pain. May be I would have taken other decisions right!

To each one’s own. I do not tell someone who is all positive and glowing to tone down, become pessimistic. So, I just ask the same from others. Do not judge me for being insecure. I am here because it is better for me to be here. I enter a relationship, any relationship…. now thinking even a year down the lane, the person will not be there. It is not because I don’t trust the other person, but because it just saves me (actually not really, I still feel depressed and all that, but at least I tell myself hey you knew it was not to last….) I do feel like a fool too (which I probably am) What is the right way? Be positive and expect things not to go according to plan some might say…. I merely expect things to go wrong! 🙂

ps: This is one rambling that will probably not make sense at all!!!


5 thoughts on “Insecurity

  1. I think you are tad bit confused between ‘positivity’ and ‘optimism’. With ‘optimism’ comes hope and expectations. ‘Positivity’ is just feeling good about everything. It does not carry hope or expectation 🙂

  2. I’ve never been insecure, in the true sense of that word, and i’m verrrry positive (in spite of being terribly disappointed too many times) 😀 i refuse to give up on my optimism 😀

    if i write about it, i wont make much sense either, but you’ll definitely cheer up, i guess. Gimme your number…let me call you now! 😀

    1. Scorpria: I can see the positive person that you are from your writing 🙂 Will mail you my number or you can mail yours to me 😀 We can sync up!! Hopefully your optimism rubs off on me 😉

  3. I agree with you that you must be who you are! People cannot talk you out of being you. I think you are very introspective, and that may make you seem more pessimistic than you really are. As for trust; that is a hard thing to regain. I continue to hope that you will find it again someday. 🙂

    1. Hi Muse! been quite a while. I am being introspective, especially when it comes to blog posts like these. Just been hurt way too many times to trust or even hope that things will go right!!ever!! 😦

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