It has been over a month since I last posted. I must say for a long time now I have tried to keep to myself. Even when I did post, I did not really reveal about what my mind was going through. Result of a close friend who induced the thought process into me saying do not be so open. Do not tell everything to everyone. I slowly tried to learn that lesson. That probably explains the dearth of posts on my blog too. I don’t think I have any readers even!!

Anyways today, I decided to just put something down today. This probably will be vague and make no sense whatsoever to most (if at all there is anyone out there who does) who read this.

I don’t know if I am doing right by keeping things to myself, not sharing anything to anyone. The person who did ask me to do this is a close friend who is no longer in town. I miss having the person around. We do skype now and then but long distance relationships…well…that is that. Don’t know about that one! In my confusion of what the heck I am doing, I shut a really good friend out of my life. Sorry (if you are reading this!) I still don’t know why I did that or whether it is right or wrong. I did that right when we were reconnecting after quite a few years. Another friend who i have known for years now, is just confusing me saying nothing is different, but is unavailable if I call or ping. I don’t want to be disturbing my friends. I know they all have their own lives and are really busy. They will ping me when they feel like it. Sometimes I feel like I am just waiting for a ping sometime…desperate to get one text or call…then I feel disappointed when I don’t get any or when someone does not even respond to my ping. I wonder why I even have a phone these days. My facebook/twitter activity is minimal.

In all honesty, I just feel lost & really lonely. My job is going on alright. A is doing pretty well. Thank God! I don’t know why then I feel the way I do. I just know that I feel like I have no one. There are days I just want to give up. Off late, I feel this a lot more. I feel like if I switched my phone off, went away somewhere there probably will be no one who will miss me. I am pathetic & I know that too!!

I don’t know when or if I will ever post again. I don’t know anything any more. I will live for A and do my best for him. That is all I know. I exist and will keep doing that. I must just stop expecting anything from anyone. I don’t think I’ll be happier, but I will definitely not feel as hurt as I do right now.

PS: I know there are many out there who are at a position worse off than I am – knowing that does not take the pain/hurt I feel. Sorry!! Sorry they are going through hell, their hell but it does not make mine feel like heaven. No siree!


5 thoughts on “Lost…

  1. Hi apar,

    I felt extremely sorry that you are in this stage. I am there for you. Please be in touch. I know the pain you are going through.

  2. Dear Apar,

    I have been a silent reader of your blog. I am really greatful for sharing your thoughts. I have been wondering for few weeks as there were no postings on your blog. It’s good to know that you are practicing to be mindful about your thoughts.

    It’s wonderful to share your thoughts with friends when you feel like and at the same time it’s great being mindful about your thoughts when you feel otherwise. This is what i learned when i was first introduced to mindfulness meditation few years back during my speech therapy for my stuttering. And later i took few courses at dharma.org and at Center for Mindfulness(umass medical school).

    What’s amazing about about mindfulness meditation is you get to observe your thought process from a distance. Just this process of bringing awareness to your thought process (and hence do not getting identified with your mind/thought process) brings great change in your life.

    If i can take liberty to suggest 2 great books on this –

    I think there is nothing wrong to share your thoughts and the same time you can manage well about this uncontrolled mind/thought process.

    Feel free to contact me at bostonmindfull at gmail dot com for any questions.

    I think you are doing Great. Have Great time with A.

  3. Hey! I know that others really can’t offer any words of comfort and that we have to pull ourselves out of situations like this. Life has its down moments (a lot of them sometimes) but I think ultimately there are good things out there- like your son, so enjoy life and please don’t be depressed. Take Care!

  4. (((Hugs))) Apar. I am so sorry you feel this way. It’s an awful hard place to be in and so much harder to get out of it. I wish there were words to make you feels a bit better. I’ll be thinking of you and hoping things get better.

  5. ‘Tis so true that knowing others are worse off doesn’t help much. I haven’t posted much recently either. Whatever you do or decide, you are my friend and I think of you that way.

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