What stops us?

It is obvious like a huge neon sign right up in front of you. Yet, you hesitate to take that decision. Though here I am talking about knowing that taking that plunge is wrong for you….and yet you go do that. What stops you from not going there?

It can be something as inconsequential as unfriending someone on Facebook or deactivating that account. May be it can be as life changing as leaving a marriage, quitting a dead-end job…

Can all this just be generalised to not rocking the boat or “comfort zone”? All agree that change is inevitable, yet all of us resist change (of any kind…sometimes even when we know it is good! ) What stops us?

This is one of the major topics that I have been mulling over. Yes, it is in continuance to my previous post. I am not sure I am taking the right decision. Wise people around me are divided. My intuition tells me that I am doing it all wrong…. Gut instinct says it is the path to disaster (rather feel it is disastrous not just to me but also to my dear son!). These thoughts are making me irritable, depressed, anxious. Certainly not a good place to be in.

I am actually tired of thinking of pros & cons of everything. Unfortunately the fear of what is going to happen is making me think of all that already has. People ask me to move on. I wish I knew how, because basis of what is happening is my past. Every time I see my son, I am proud of what he is & wish the best for him for the future….but he does remind me of our past! I wish our memories were like a computer & a mere shift-del would just delete everything.  There are times I wish I were spiritual and I believed that everything happens for a reason, there is a bigger plan, good-bad karma et al. I am not…. I am not an atheist but I definitely do not believe in all that!!!

Whatever it is, I am in the state of constantly saying I just don’t know and that I am tired of life. More than ready to give up.

I do not want to hear be strong because that will only make me scream! I also do not want to hear how there are so many people who are worse off than me….sorry for them, but that really does not help in any way. Oh yeah, the cliché this too shall pass, yeah I know it will; my question is when and where will this stop?! If someone has an answer to that….then feel free to drop that in a conversation! I understand that I will be told I am not ready to be helped, or I am being rude. Well if it is so, so be it!  Yeah…times I wish something stops these “comforting” words to stop….for some reason they don’t!!!

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Is it just me?

Is it just me? I am told that I think too much, over-think and what not! I am just worried about making more mistakes and messing things up for me. More importantly, I do not want to mess things up for A.

I am facing a crucial decision. Do I leave A here with my parents to pursue my so-called career? Do I change things yet again, take him along (struggle with the nightmare of school admissions in India, after school care with me working late almost every day)? Do I not take this up, quit & find something else to do (have nothing right now with not many prospects for a person like me)? Is my so-called career that important?

I may be mad. Questions bog my mind down. I really am tired of trying & failing over and over again. I am scared! This is a time I wish I did not have A in my life so it would not make a difference even if I failed.

On a different note…..What is it with some people?! They behave a certain way. If you do the same to them, they are all how can you? What is wrong with you etc..?! I am just tired of social interactions even. People seem to want to interact just if they want to. I am tired of people who I now feel are so superficial, artificial!! I find way too many people treat others as “use & throw”. Any kind of relationship seems to come with an expiry date! It is scary to even think of becoming someone’s friend. One wonders when will one become unnecessary…. ready to be thrown away! May be I am just tired of being the one who tries to keep it going – pinging/mailing/calling. At a point, I do feel like am I that desperate? Why can I not just not bother and only answer if the other contacts me?! Everyone does seem OK with this on & off kind of behaviour at all levels of relationships! I am not!!!

I guess it is just me!! I don’t know when this will end? My never ending questions & doubts….. probably when I end?! May be people like me should be extinct?!?