If only!

As some of my friends say, my life since I finished college has been a constant drama. One after another making me wish enough is enough. Listening to advice to be strong while I know I have dealt with each in the best possible way I could, to look at my son & to live for him. Anything I said against this labelled me as being selfish, bad mother. I love my son but I will be lying if I said he is the be all & end all of my life. I breakdown more often than before – don’t know if I am tired. Nothing seems right.
All these years I always used to say be happy the age that you are. Enjoy it, each year as it is. Now I wish I were younger when it would be easier to restart life as it is ( with A). If that is not possible, I wish I were older much older so I would have gotten used to this & it would be agreeable, not much to look forward to then. I feel like I am now stuck in that age where am too old to renew my life, too young to give up. It feels easier to want to give up since I am not able to accept reality – which is I am being someone who is used, taken for a ride & left with a broken heart all because I trusted, loved with everything I got. Do I blame the one who did this to me or myself for having allowed this?! I think the latter.
I wish I were hard hearted & didn’t care at all but am still not there. I don’t want to be bitter but I can see myself getting there. No, I don’t have faith in God.
I just am lost, lonely & someone who cannot hate even when hurt a lot. I am not even able to dislike. I get angry – very angry. I yell/scream but I don’t mean to hurt or love any less. I hate losing people in my life but it seems like this has become a habit. People walking out of my life without a care knowing how much they mean to me! Makes me wonder if I would ever understand all this?!?
There are times I wish I didn’t have A… It is only out of frustration I say it. He is definitely the most important part of my life. So I wish people stop telling me that & making me resent him sometimes more the carrying of the responsibility alone than anything else.
If only life becomes bearable & soon. I am losing patience & fast!!!


6 thoughts on “If only!

  1. A is only a part of your life, anything more than that cant be good for either of you.
    Life will be wonderful and soon too.. with the right person. u deserve that.

    1. Thanks Sachita! That is what I tell those who make it sound like A is & should be everything in life for me 🙂
      Hoping to go through this bad patch & hoping it is not too long 🙂

  2. Don’t be hard on yourself. Like I said earlier start looking for that special.person. let ur heart guide you and life will become beautiful instantly for you and A.

  3. It is always easier to give advice than to follow it or be in the position of the one who has to follow it. I once read somewhere that just as perfect happiness is never possible, overwhelming sorrow cannot also exist. You are going through a tough phase- sometimes it lasts longer for a few people than others. We don’t know why. But the important thing is this- you will get out – it is not an if but a when. Just don’t lose faith or hope.
    The fact of the matter is that most people love it when others have problems- it makes their lives look better so they will say all kinds of things to make you feel even more miserable but don’t listen to them. Only listen to the people who care about you and if you feel there aren’t too many of them just listen to yourself. Don’t ever silence that voice.
    All said and done also make sure that you believe that there is never a too late in life. You are alive, you are healthy- you can restart any time you choose to. Yes you have A but I am sure you can focus on your career and your interests without compromising his interests.
    All the best!

  4. Words of wisdom: Take a swig of rum..show middle finger to life..shake booty to those who don’t care for you..and move on!! Too many things to see and experience in life..I just saw gravity..and was imagining how small we are in the big picture..and how much we shud see more :). Take care and chug along!

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