Pointless

I am not even going to check how long it has been since I posted here. Heck I hardly even read my favourite bloggers’ posts regularly like I used to. 

Everything just seems pointless. No, I am not saying everything in life has no ups whatsoever. I have laughs with A. Precious time indeed. Moments of light hearted happiness with kid, parents, friends – just moments. I must also admit I am keeping to myself more these days. Being less of a botheration or intrusion to others around me. I even avoid people. Irony to think what I am scared of is loneliness. 🙂 Guess I am getting prepared to cherish how my life will be!

My phone network is aiding too. I have absolutely no reception when am at home so no phone calls, no texts. I must learn to switch off from Internet too to delve into being by myself. I have no clue who still read this space. I know some who do & even care – Laksh, Anonymouse. You feature on top of that list. Thanks for being patient!! Means a lot. 

 Saw this picture somewhere. Stealing it. Credit to whoever posted it first.  
What has happened since I posted last? I got off my project knowing I have no future  there. I have this absolutely amazing “luck” when it comes to managers in my workplace. Have got another which I start tomorrow. I have no hopes of moving forward there. I will do my best like I always have. I won’t be surprised if after years am still where I am. Expect the worst, and if something remotely good happens-it is great!! 🙂 I can see the forever optimists frown. Well I don’t even want to explain. 

I participated in a group Bharatanatyam performance 12 years after I danced last. I loved it – the prep, the performance. I was told by a few that I was the only one who was fat. Can’t say it didn’t hurt. I know I am fat but hearing it was harsh! I have done everything except surgery to lose weight … Anyways yes I am fat!! 

Have been battling ill health, injury too ( yeah hilarious that I hurt my knee while I fell down walking!! 🙂 )

I forgot!! Stop asking me if I am dating. I live in Chennai – have not bumped into anyone who wants to be in a relationship forget serious! Oh I do bump into many jerks!! (Another reason for me to start enjoying solitude). And no it is not easy to just pack my bags & move elsewhere!! I wish I could sometimes but no!! 

I am not blind to what I have. So I am definitely in no mood to hear how blessed I am. That would be as pointless as my life seems to me now :). Yes I am smiling as I type that statement!! I have done the exercise of picturing myself in wonderful places wishing the universe to conspire to make it happen. A lot!! So no it has not worked. Probably the secret/ universe has not been let in that it must work for souls like me too. 

I hope to make peace with the pointlessness of what my life is! Accept that life can never be “normal”. This is my normal – wondering if I would ever find what it means to live this existence. Someday and wish it is sooner than later. I wish I could say I hope it does not become worse than it already is… But the pessimist in me is in full swing. I have to expect & prepare for something worse. Don’t know what it is. Will keep you posted – the few readers I have. 🙂 I endeavour to bore you all as long as I can. 

Advertisement