behaviour · hurt · life · questions

Triggers

Well this is my second version. The first one got lost thanks to a power cut & bad UPS! Don’t ask :). Don’t know if this would be what I first sat to write. All I remember is the title… Rest was how I just type as I feel. 

Just as my life had been the run up to today Deepavali 2015 has been pretty good. Took yesterday off making it a long weekend. It also helped in my not braving the cyclone outside but sitting inside the confines of the house & enjoying it. 

Reminiscing about the festival back when we were in the colony (aka apartment complex of these days), collecting money to gift our shuttle driver, talking of clothes bought, making sweets & savouries under my mother’s supervision (also posted them on the recipe blog for future reference)… The cyclone made the time even more nostalgic. Power cuts forcing us to do things the old way. The inverter gave way  without charge & A got the sense of how it would be without the bright electricity driven lights. There is a beauty in the oil lamps that were lit a day before the festival thanks to the rains & TNEB. We just played, talked, read. We even went to a movie on Sunday driving in the rain. 

Now as the day & the festival is winding down…as A and I walked back down after watching the fireworks on the terrace, it hit me. It has been eight years. The last pictures I posted on A’s photo blog that I maintained religiously since he was born documenting moments – it was the Deepavali when we got back here to India. The kid loved watching the sparklers, flowerpots, chakras and shut his ears to the noisy crackers. Now he holds his own bursting them with enjoyment. He has said it would be his last year & next year on he would not even buy them. (Side note: he was amused at a print on the box that said made for a child not by a child). 

Eight years!! A friend warned me that even as life moves on, there would be triggers known & unknown that send you on that emotional roller coaster. Now I understand what he meant!! I really don’t know what that trigger is today! Is it me clearing up my whatsapp messages and noticing a friend responding to my sharing a piece of news that hurt me by saying “can you do something about it, if not move on!”  I know she has no clue how it feels and I must not get overwhelmed by that reaction of hers. Is it me posting on Instagram and then realising that a few though they follow don’t even acknowledge seeing the pics while happily asking me to check their pictures out saying I don’t share anything!!  Is it that friend who got so emotional and I listened to the whole outburst every time but hear that I must move on if I happen to share something?! Or is it the ubiquitous advice ” oh stay strong!”?? Seriously?!? When I hear this from some friend who supposedly has seen me battle everything all alone with absolutely no support – it takes a lot of that strength not to swear!! 

I may not be at a great place or even where I want to be but I am proud of getting here facing all that I have alone! If that is not strong I don’t know what is! May be I am not strong 🙂 if being emotionless is what it takes. I am human & I have not become a saint nor do I yearn to be one. I also do go through the gamut of emotions. I cannot be fake happy like how it looks like on Facebook or Instagram. 

Or may be it is that façade that people put up. It irks me to see those supposed BFFs or sister from another mother posts!! When one knows how much of a wannabe that person is! Well wondering if it is those who remember me when they need money & forget that it is not easy for me and would like it returned on time as promised, not making me feel bad about even broaching that subject. This particular thing hits me when I review my accounts. Taken for a fool again?! I have been told that I must not expect money back when I lend it out ( how I wish it was true if ever I borrow – hope that I don’t get put into that position! Touchwood ).  Or may be those who scoff at my being overly cautious about being even remotely optimistic! 

These are people triggers. There are calendar & event triggers too. 

Easier said than done. Ignore the triggers & live life. I do live life, wishing the triggers disappear. Hoping that the acceptance phase of DABDA stays forever & does not do this jumping to other phases now & then – triggers or not. 

Updates in life so far: none that matter. I was rebenched and now in a short term project. So gainfully employed till end of the year. 2016 no idea what it would bring or how this year would end! Met a few friends, made a few. There was one experience I wanted to write about…may be in another post. A going about his school life like an average kid with his ups & downs. I hope I can be good support to his triggers! I am amazed at the way he is growing & handling things that come his way. Guess the one thing he can’t handle yet is when I wish to give up & he knows that am edging there before I pull back. Love him & proud of him. I don’t say it enough!! 

I have troubled a few of my friends from school time, a couple of colleague friends and my friend who is a writer Laksh quite a lot with my meltdowns during this period. Kudos to them for tolerating me. May their tribe live long!! ( to endure more of me 😉 ). 

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