25 Aug 2016. Penning it down as one really horrible day. Janmashtami. Wanted to & told A that I would make something if not all of the goodies that are made. I had been working day in day out. I asked if I could take the day off. Yes I had not planned for the day off & refused to “fall sick”. Answer: no problem as long as you finish these tasks ( cannot be done taking the day off). So down the drain Janmashtami plans go. Grand sweets & snacks come to the rescue and even that my father goes and purchases the previous day while I had got home at 8, logging right into work as I got into my room!
I love working. Times when I feel & know that as days roll on to years, I would have nothing left in my life but work to occupy me. I want to prove to myself that I can having heard of how much a failure I would be at work from someone who i am trying hard to block out.
That said, of course I also want to be a good mother. Well known fact that I have no one else.
Last few weeks I have been putting in my all at my job. And today I was told twice in the same day I was doing nothing. One was supposed to be a casual remark, a joke. At the time I just responded saying yeah it was fun doing nothing and getting paid. Evening comes and the supervisor remarks the same way. Skipping lunch ( not helping my losing weight goals), not doing anything at home; slogging my arse off to hear this! Made my day indeed 😏
Come home. Kiddo is off to an overnight camp at school. All he did was get the consent on the form. He has made all arrangements to be dropped off ( his bag must be given & school bag collected after school time) , picked up (on Saturday) by my father. I said Friday was alright but why didn’t you tell me to pick up on Saturday?! His answer – “you will be tired Amma. That is why!! You could rest up. ”
I hate myself. Giving it all in a place where I have to hear that I have done nothing. Giving nothing at all and hearing that!!
What did I do!? Lost it with the kid and said he didn’t need me and I might as well be non-existent. I can’t even begin to say how much I have not done. (Which I am cos I am doing nothing for him).
Lying in bed this morning, looking at him sleeping, I wonder. What the hell am I doing?? What have I proved to myself?? I have gone nowhere at work & am getting it worse at home. Is anyone happy??
Missing out on things cos I have to work – events with A, meet ups with friends, dance recitals, weddings…. I have not even caught up with friends over a phone call! Yes I have been too caught up catching up with chores over the weekend to even spend time with A. ( when he will now, he already makes other plans without me now!! )
Not even making a dent with all effort at work. Being non-existent in even plans at home. I might as well really not exist!!
I have lost out everywhere. Had asked long back what is success & what is failure? Right now I know I have failed – in everything!!
Random Ruminations 