Futility of it all

I have not been in this space of my life for a while now. When I check, it is since mid-February that I have not been here.

A has finished his public exam. Waiting for those scores was excruciating. Admission into junior college was not smooth. Had to change board of education. Trying to understand how it all works, coping with the change. Change definitely seems to be the only constant thing. All the best to the kid, hope he finds his niche and he fits in well. That is the update on the last post.

I am chugging along. Grateful I do have a job, especially during these times. That said and done, why do I feel it is futile? Everything feels so.

I came back to this space where I pen things down, rant like there is no end. I doubt there is anyone out there who even reads this. One part of me hopes this gets read and I get some positive vibes. Another part thinks it just doesn’t matter, I put this out and it is just out there! At least it is off my chest. I have been holding back, not reacting, biting my words down for a long time. I came back here to let off the steam! Release that pressure a little.

This also does seem quite useless! I realise I either just shut off or snap at people. To not snap, I shut off more. It is not easy for a person like me but I also know this is all there is. I need to learn to cope, understand I have no one I can open up and be me – express what I feel as I do not wanting cliched reactions. Probably just some wise advice. I don’t know! Lost as a lamb. I have been waiting to bounce back which just is not happening. That made me come to this space of mine. I am going to just finish now. I would say God help me but long since I stopped believing in the existence of that entity.

PS: This probably is one of the most incoherent posts of mine! If someone is reading this – apologies!

4 thoughts on “Futility of it all

  1. Glad you chose to put it out here instead of holding back or snapping. The futility of it all hits most of us at some point or the other. We trudge on hoping there is a larger purpose to our existence.

    1. That is the point Laksh I feel there is no purpose any more. Am done is what keeps playing in my head. I am tired of this rut.

      1. Not to go on a tangent but through my 20s/30s and even now, I feel like I am chasing some milestone. What I have come to realize is that milestones seem like things to be working toward. Without goalposts, I’d feel adrift. I was telling K that my life’s purpose will be done when all three kids are financially independent. His question “What if that never happens?”

        The point being, we each (K and I) have different ways to navigate this. He truly lives in the moment. There is no grand goal he is working towards. He is not searching for the meaning of life or pondering what his purpose is in the grand scheme of things. For him, to exist is the purpose.

        The feeling of futility comes for me because, in my head, I imagine my existence as part of a grand plan, the purpose of which I have no idea about.

        Of late, I am grudgingly accepting that K may be right after all.

  2. It has been a while since I read your post. Take heart and keep posting Fond your happy place in your dark moments.

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