Identity crisis

The following link has been sitting in my drafts ever since I came across it.

http://www.indiatimes.com/culture/who-we-are/dhoni-kohli-and-rahane-have-changed-the-names-on-their-jersey-and-the-reason-is-quite-legit-263656.html

Has this not been there for a long time? I remember a dialogue from an old Revathi movie – Marupadiyum where she says she wants to be her not carry her father’s name, nor a husband’s.

This had been something I argued about when a “friend” told me I “had to” change my surname cos I was married. I said, I would change if P changed his [ note: P never asked me then to change my name, he did later mention it in our many tiffs ๐Ÿ™‚ ] since he married too! That suggestion was not welcome much!! Glad I didn’t change, less of a hassle considering what happened ๐Ÿ™‚

Now A wants to drop his last name. Told him he can decide to do whatever when he is an adult. Now he carries whatever it says on his birth certificate. I don’t know if he will drop his last name, change it to something else (he says he will take my name or last name; or my grandpa’s last name; his gothra…choices are many).

So is it a case of rose by any other name?

This name thing apart, when like all out there, (or is it all out there??) I battle with the question of who am I? I have had many labels stuck on me. Some good, mostly bad ones. I am told by well meaning friends they don’t define me. How I look? What I am at work/home? Age? Education? Status? I have no clue! Wondering what I would tell my son when he asks the same questions….a cryptic find yourself?! Wouldn’t that be cheating?!

What is my identity? How will I be remembered? Someone who bungled her way along and failed in/ didn’t complete anything undertaken? A bad mother/sister/daughter/friend/student.(…and of course wife ๐Ÿ™‚ ) I know I have written about what success can be…at the moment, I feel like nothing ever will go right…ever in life. Do some wrong decisions spoil your entire life? Yes is my answer today! I have made a series of such wrong decisions! Will I never do anything right in my life? Let me guess…nope never!

Today is a day when I am not able to just smile away and show that nothing is wrong. Today is a day when I cannot just hear hey get over it, move on or anything that shows no empathy/sympathy. Today is a day when I cannot overlook people who have cheated me & taken me for a ride (emotionally/monetary/professionally…). Today is a day I wish I had someone to share my woes with , to hear reassuring words even if they were false. ย Today is a day I feel (and know) that I am a nobody; going nowhere. No….am not okay with it but feel helpless that I am not able to change this status quo. Yes, am on the other side of forty and have no clue! Yes I feel terrible. Yes….it probably is too late.

PS: Part of me does not feel like publishing this post. Part of me wants to cry out aloud.If anyone has come this far in the post, please do give a shout out so I can thank you for tolerating my rant!

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Reunions

It has been a while since I posted anything here ( well what is new about that right?)
It has been two decades since I graduated from high school. This buzz of 20 years started a while back. Discussions about when to meet, where and all that started doing the rounds. Facebook pages created; school mates reminiscing. There were those who came out of hibernation. Some still are in their caves ( don’t even know where they are!)
Everything was fine as long as it was online. When it came to the actual event which happened in Chennai yesterday, I was apprehensive.
Reunions also are about what has happened since graduation; what you are up to ( how you look too!). Me the libra was quite ambivalent. I must say I have been in touch with quite a number of my school mates. So, they pushed me to make the decision.
D-day I was there in school. It felt good. Fifty odd of us turned up with some actually coming from out of town. It was just overwhelming to see all. Yes, didn’t recognise some faces but it turned out to be one fun day.
As a friend said, there were no pretences. It was genuine pleasure to see all, share laughs, pull each other’s legs. The guys who organised this chapter of the reunion did an amazing job!
I can truly say that I will look forward to the 25th year reunion. ๐Ÿ™‚ If by any chance fate takes me to the US venue of the 20th year reunion in July, I won’t shy away!!
Friends from school know you. They are not judgmental of what life had dealt to you growing up! It does not matter what you wear, how you look, what you do. Of course we did exchange notes about what we were up to but it was no big deal!! Thanks to those who did make me land there!
Now it feels nice to be reunited to my blog space writing a happy post! ๐Ÿ™‚

I crave normalcy

This morning my WordPress App pinged me to say there is a new post… Normal is boring said the title. I never miss reading a post on Saying it Aloudย  whether I comment or not ๐Ÿ™‚

Now having read the post, and considering what is happening in life now, I crave for what people say is normal. I wish I had followed the “normal” path. I wish I have not been hatke (hindi).

I wish I just was not fighting each day to prove. I don’t even know now what I want to prove to whom! To prove to me that life is worth living?!?

The last few days/weeks have been making me think I should go back and probably start somewhere in high school to change the route I had taken…..gone the way most of my peers went taking up either engineering or medicine. Fine I didn’t then, may be I must have stuck to my major & went on to do my post graduation. – Pointless thoughts I know!!!

I guess in all, I wish I had never married especially the way I did & stuck to my career path then. Yes, I would not have had A!!! May be he is better off without me who right now is feeling like I have failed in every single thing and I am tired, exhausted.

I wish for a normal life. A boring life –ย  so be it. I wish to get off the roller coaster. I feel sick of it. I do not want to be an outlier.

I know that even as I pen all this down, I am also thinking more off the ordinary for the problems I am having in life right now. Wondering what is in store and throwing my hands up saying I cannot take anything any more!

Hope A has a normal life at least as he grows up. Methinks he has enough of not being normal!!

Reaching out…

I had penned down a lot of experiences over the years. People choose sides in a divorce. Friends split. Some are put in an awkward position.

I had to look for some information in my old mails. I stopped & read many of the mails & conversations. I realised how much people had reached out to help me during that time. I lost touch with a few people. Today I have written to them, apologising if I had done or said anything wrong. I have asked if we could get back in touch. I don’t know if they would respond. I hope they do.

I always tell people who ask me about the decision to go apart….I tell them that it is their decision as only they know what happened between the two of them. I might have a version of my story. P would have his. I know some would choose to believe and back his version & some mine. I do not claim to be all innocent neither would I take all the blame. The divorce happened, does not mean that friends must not be together. It is highly unlikely that P & I cross paths physically ever again. We do talk to each other in a civil manner thanks to having to share a son.

I don’t know why I have the insane reasoning that I must not have any ill-will with anyone I know. There is a friend who said I try to please others too much & am stupid to do so. I think may be it is driven by the fact that I don’t like to lose people. I cannot ignore neither can I let go… It may be the result of my loneliness & lost feeling that I want people around me.

Whatever the reason, I do not want to lose nice friends. I know I will get remarks saying they moved on you do too. They don’t care why do you?! Well I do care! I dont know why?! but I do. That is me!!! May be stupid, crazy or however one might chose to describe it.

I know P has moved on but it does not take away the hurt I feel. I cannot explain it and I don’t think one can understand why I feel how I do. I don’t understand why; how can anyone else?!

As usual I digress….crux is I hope people I have reached out to get back in touch with me. At least just a hello to say they are fine!

I really don’t want to hear a lecture on how some people come and go in our lives….these are not some people who are acquaintances….they are good friends I care about even if I am not in touch with them.

I honestly don’t know why I am penning this down now…may be some day I will read these posts and rethink like I just read all those old mails/chats. Those mails & chats have brought a lump in my throat. I just hope when I read this again later, I smile and think I did right by reaching out!!

Just don’t fit in!

This is what I have been feeling for quite a while now! Working in a company where the average age of the employees is around 25, I am old there! I did write that I found a few friends; then why do I feel like I don’t fit in….not there not anywhere.

I have come to realise why there are support groups with similar people coming together! I didn’t before this. Now I am a single mother living with her parents. My friends are single either living on their own or with their parents. So, there are times they don’t get it that I have a kid back home with my parents who I don’t want to act as parents to my son! I really can’t hamper their plans just because I have a kid, or make them accomodate the kiddo! My other friends who do have kids, well,ย  that is another story! They are married and have a proper standard family. I can’t really hinder them either. I do feel I am part of neither group!

At work, I am older in the company than what I was when I joined but still not old enough to be tenured! So, I don’t quite fit in there either. As much as I dread being alone, it appears to be my only option these days. I would rather not trouble my friends and make them change their plans or conversations for me!

These aren’t the only reasons that make me feel like I don’t fit in. There are quite a few more….one more; some friends of mine are so out of the box thinking (I don’t have that thinking but admire them for it!) or they are so boxed in (which also I admire as I can’t do that either!)

Seriously contemplating to shut myself out from everything & everything, keep to myself rather than feel uncomfortably about not fitting in anywhere! Saves me the pain & agony – that is for sure!

I am a divorcee!

Yes I am a divorcee… I am not proud of it or anything. It is just a fact. I don’t know why I must hide or be ashamed of that? It happened…and here I am. I have my life ahead of me. It did not end there, did it?

Why must people “advise” me to not divulge this? It is not like I have committed murder, I am not a paedophile or any such thing to be secretive about this. The number of people who said…you are going to a new job…Don’t tell anyone that you are divorced. Just say that your husband is abroad!!

What is the reasoning behind this?! Should I be ashamed that I could not make my marriage work? That I am a single mother who has resorted to living with her parents?

I feel that those guys who assume that since I am a divorcee, I will be ready for flings & hit on me shamlessly should be the ones who must follow restraint. Those who box me into some stereo-type…

Why can’t I just let be? Why must I lie? Sick & tired…these are really the things that pain me about my divorce…. Grow up all!!

Decisions

We face many a situations where one has to decide. I fall back many a times on the fact that being Libra makes me indecisive ๐Ÿ™‚ Starting from something like choosing which route to take, what to choose out of a menu to eat, to life changing decisions… I take my own sweet time! I also do sometimes rely upon others to help me take the decision. Too many times have I been told – No, you decide what you want. (I don’t hold the other person responsible for anything that goes wrong… just to make things clear ๐Ÿ˜‰ )

When it becomes of the case of Hobson’s choice, don’t we keep wondering – what if we had chosen the other? I have been told and I do believe too that

No matter what you do, someone is going to think it was the wrong decision. The important thing is where your conscience stands on the issue.

Then why does my stupid brain go on overdrive? I totally admire people who make their decisions with ease (and รฉlan or at least seem to.. ) and more so those who do not have any regrets whatsoever.

I say I don’t like people talking in riddles. I know that this post would probably seem just that way (even ridiculous to some?!). Just that I am at kind of a crossroads weighing in a decision I took almost a year back. I don’t regret the decision, but I don’t also know what it means going forward. I now face the point where I wonder if I have to speak my heart out or just not. Questions alot in my mind. Do I? What if I do? Will things be different? Do I just let it go as it is right now? ย The worst part is I do know what is up ahead in a way. So, will my decision make any difference? Not really is what I come up with. I feel whatever it is, I would have at least been truthful to a person I care about a lot (and to myself of course). Yet, I wonder what is holding me back!

There are days on end when I wish I could turn back time, tweak a few things here and there. Well, I can’t. No one can (if any one can…please let me know. Need to make a few requests ๐Ÿ˜‰ ) Looking forward, hoping everything turns out alright and no one gets hurt. Human emotions & relationships are weird to say the least!!! I can’t please all as much as I strive to. All I can be is true to myself and those I care about (more importantly those who care about me! … now shouldn’t those two actually be the same set of people?!?). We have one life to live, and I want to live my life to the fullest extent possible. I wish have no (or minimal) regrets and when I leave this life; I hope that if at all I am remembered by anyone it is with fondness. ๐Ÿ™‚

I better stop now before I go on every tangent possible. My ruminations are random indeed!