Maybe…

I am penning (ok typing!) this as I sit in a place where I have spent many a summer. Memories flood in. It feels the same yet so different.

I am sitting in a corner, sipping on some coffee. People watching. As I said it feels the same yet different. Am not ready to engage in conversation with anyone. A lady walks by asks if she can sit next to me. Says she is waiting for someone. I smile and just nod. I return to my book , happy to catch up with my reading at last. The place is definitely noisier than how I remember it. Familiar smells from the cafe wafts in wishing I get up and get myself the cake. I desist. Back to reading looking up and around at all.

I feel a hand at my shoulder. Startled I look up to see A. His class was on a break. Asked him if he wanted anything. Gave him money. He comes back with the cake!! Exclaims that piece of cake was ₹50!! Told him to just eat :). Smiling knowing he will offer it to me. And he does!!

He goes on about the hour and half of what has happened. Told him it was time for him to get back. He rushes off leaving a huge piece saying finish it off amma!

Back to my book and cake! Thought will pen this memory down as A also enjoys his classes as I did when I was a child younger than him. Hope he cherishes this place as much as I do.

I probably am in touch with just two friends who shared the times I had here. More so because I went to school with them too. Days when all didn’t have phones. Forget mobile phones we didn’t even exchange landline numbers :). Boy I feel as old as I am!

Yeah I do wish it was quieter and cooler like how it used to be. Change with times I guess.

What suddenly strikes me is how I didn’t want to say hello to anyone, if I saw someone look at me, I just smiled and went back to my book and now my mobile. Have I changed? How is it that I don’t feel like striking up a conversation?? No one really seems interesting enough for me to engage. Maybe I am just too engrossed in memories. Maybe it will change in weeks to come as I will be here for the next three months. Maybe…

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Dose of laughter for the day!

People tend to see the best of you because you carefully choose which thoughts to express and which to keep quiet. But your calculated responses are not motivated by your desire for popularity today. You have an agenda and want to make things happen. Whatever you can do to get others to support you in your efforts helps your cause. However, you can take this tactic too far by focusing so intently on everyone else’s behavior now that you lose sight of your original goal. Zig Ziglar wrote, “The real opportunity for success lies within the person and not in the job.”

This is my horoscope for the day!! Had me LOLing, seriously laughing out loud !! The first few lines had me in splits. I could not even imagine me choosing thoughts carefully! Calculated responses?!? Me??? Those who know me, know I just shoot out the first thought that comes into my mind. No filters there! I have not learnt anything over the years either. Next point that was hilarious was the word “agenda”….me?!? really?? I am also truly oblivious to other’s behaviour. I could (can) never guess their “agenda”.  This wonderful quality of mine has put me in spots, changed my life even (for better or worse…still to be seen). Learning to just ignore completely, not react at all!

Now that is out of my system! 🙂 Been meaning to pen stuff down but that moment passes each day! Outrage on somethings, disgust, amusement, wonder…quite a gamut of emotions that I wanted to write on. “News” seemed to bring all that out – international & national.

What is happening closer to home? At home? Nothing at all. It is business as usual. Home, work, back home and back to work! Repeat. Fun, frustrating moments with A thrown in. Latest was his denial to get his hair cut! *Rolling eyes*. He was testing the boundaries. Mine apparently is the shortest!! Grandparents said nothing. Excited he comes and tells me “finally my teacher noticed my hair and said she could only see that and not my face!” Should I roll my eyes or realise that my son has started acting out his teens?!? I do have loads of fun pulling his leg ( too many occasions to recount!), watching movies with him. Frustrating parenting moments when he just does not study!! God only knows what he is going to do in his exams next week!

Talking of parenting, it makes me think it is a damned if you damned if you don’t situation. You draw lines, be strict it is a no no. You yield and give in it is a no no. Being balanced while playing the good & bad cop is a damn tough job!!! Kudos to all those who pull it off. I sure want to give up -way too many times.

I realise that I have gone into a shell not just on my blog here but in the world outside too. I am keep to myself. This is not as it says in my horoscope of the day saying I am guarded or calculative etc.  Have quite a few of the list of emotions that are going around ( 23 emotions you feel but can’t explain )

Current emotion: Enough about women’s day already!! I guess I am not so much of a designated day person. Equality is not about being treated special. It is not about quotas. It is about having the same playing field, proving oneself. It is definitely about recognition of the work; not because one is a woman but that the work speaks for itself!!

Why is there no middle ground in anything? Why is it always extremes? Intolerance to any view, and the attitude of it is my way and only my way!

Alright I have rambled on enough for today! My ruminations as random as they are go on – until the next time I decide to pen some of them down!! If someone has come over here, and has actually been patient to read through this ; please do leave a note so I could thank you and be awed by your patience 🙂

 

 

 

Thoughtfulness

A went on an excursion organised by his school. Left on a Thursday evening and back on Monday morning.

Thursday evening, he says “Amma they will give us chapati & potato for dinner…my friend is getting burger but I don’t want either. Can you make me some lemon rice?”  Told him yes if he got me lemons from the shop. He goes and gets tomatoes & potatoes. There was no lemons so he says make tomato rice with potatoes fry! Done as I was working from home and could make time for that (made him go check the tomato gravy cooking now and then! 🙂 ). All excited, he is packed. Checks & rechecks if he has taken everything. Thanks to Suks , he had a camera too!!

We get to the pick up place, wait for the bus that would take the kids to the station. All the children show the excitement comparing their bag sizes, sharing notes on what they are bringing. I was the only parent standing among the boys laughing away!! The other moms were huddled amongst themselves. Now and then A’s friend’s mom would come and join in to talk to me. I whispered into A’s ear asking if I have to go and huddle with the mom’s instead?! His answer just made my day.. “No amma you are the cool mom!” God knows how long this phase will last!! Off they all went.

I must say that was the longest weekend ever!!! Without kiddo around, it just didn’t feel ok. I did go out Saturday evening with friends from work but nope it just was not right!! He called in using his teachers phone and checked in now and then. Saturday he calls to say his best friend was down with high temperature and that the teacher said he was going to be brought back to Chennai. He sounded worried. I texted that boy’s mom to hear he was alright and would be returning with the kids on the train back. He was at his uncle’s place there. Next day when I told this to A, I could hear his sigh of relief! Each call he was all stories of where he went. I listened with a grin plastered on my face soaking in the happiness of the child. Rainy Monday morning he called me as the bus left the station. Timed my trip to his pick up point. As the bus came in, the parents went in to crowd the exit as the kids got down with their bags. I stood at a distance. Shame on me, I could not spot the tiny kid that A is among the bigger classmates of his! (yeah he is one of the tiny kids….). He came rolling his suitcase and that impish smile on his face and hugged me! With that came the query “Amma can we drop A & S at their home??” Those kids were right behind him smiling 🙂 . Of course we dropped those boys off and headed home.

He is talking a mile a minute!! I shake my head and then think damn this is what I was   missGifting all weekend.

He lands, starts unpacking. Amma this is for you, and this and this  (pic)…. then runs out and gives my mum a set of beautiful green bangles [“ammamma every other bangle was very jazzy and you wouldn’t wear those”], my dad a box of biscuits. Tells my dad there was nothing else I could get you.

He makes me wear the ring, admiring his own choice. Recounts his shopping experience on how he bargained. Oh he was so proud!! The mom in me was telling him ok now go have your shower and change for lunch!!

He could not stop talking about his trip! He has written a journal too! (bad mom: am yet to read it! 😦 ) He said on the way back on the train, he kept checking on his friend every hour for temperature spikes all night! He said he was warm around 11 but it came back to normal later. His friend didn’t know!

This post has been sitting in drafts since Tuesday morning! Life is back to normal now, yelling at him to get ready for school, the usual rigmarole! This trip has memories for him and a note for me on how thoughtful this child is. It was not taught – no I don’t think I ever did anything towards that. I hope he always remains this kind & thoughtful and not get jaded/bitter by life! – A proud parent 🙂

Notification?

My phone beeps….Wordpress notification
boom

Intriguing!!! Really?? Why?? How?? I have not posted anything. I have been really bad at being a blogger! So, what do I do….go check the stats page of my blog! Let me share screenshots (found the slideshow feature! 🙂 )

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There is more on that page….still this is enough to get my thoughts meandering. Why Feb 2009?? Triggers just go off left right center. Time when I had to come to terms that my marriage was indeed over, heights of blogging – tags, memes….made many blog friends…..some who have become those I hold close.

It has not been a good last month. One more young death added to an already long list since the year started. This has affected me as it is a close friend’s brother. Not even 30!! I had not met him but knew him through his posts on Facebook, reactions to my friend’s & his wife’s posts. He came across as a really nice person, honest, funny, genuine. Reiterates the fact that there is no God!! He/ She is cruel. Taking away a person who is loved, has his whole life ahead of him!! I am very bad at condolences but not a day passes by without me thinking of my friend and his family! Hope they find the strength to deal with this injustice. How could this happen?? When the world should have more such people, why take such people away?!?

Thinking of that, anything else I undergo seems so trivial. Yet, while going through them, it feels humungous! Yo-yoing between feeling guilty and horrid!

It has been a stressful time. So called relatives bailing out, work as usual throwing weirdos [I tell myself now that I am a magnet to such people while there are those who cruise through with wonderful co-workers!], elections, seeing how disabled unfriendly Madras is… Wondering why bother with all this?

Hearing about death makes a person like me go in all directions. One part saying “hey! you never know when, so live life to the fullest”. Another goes “no one needs me, not a person will bother if I am gone”.  And everything between the two extremes! The middle is when I just end up going through the motions of the day, trying not to think at all, mechanical, just exist!

No one knows what tomorrow holds. Wish people understand this and just be nice & considerate. A kind word does not hurt. Instead of just posting on social media about being nice to each other, do it in real life!

And those who helped spike my stats! Please do more of it 🙂 😉

Enough rambling for a notification!! :p

Selfless or …?

First post of the year 2016!

A question to all the parents (especially mothers out there…) Have you at some point of time even for a minute thought…sigh wish I didn’t have that child of mine? Confession: I have…many times over!

I have wondered how life would be without A. I have wondered if he would be better off without me in his life. I wonder how life would be once he goes off to pursue his own in a few years. Wondering how it would be if he were living in a home which is perceived as normal by society…so on… All this sometimes just during reflection and most times during despair/exasperation (sometimes forced upon …).

So, does just thinking such things make one a bad mother? Does voicing this out to a friend amount to him being a burden on me? Suddenly, all the efforts I put into him being happy/healthy (the best I can at least given my circumstances) fizzles out! “Why don’t you send him back to his dad if you think he is so much of a burden?!” . Wow!! Really?

I stumbled on this post on the Onion :  Jessica Drexler mentions her kid is the second-most important thing in her life. Intrigued I read further and she ends saying “It’s mostly about you”.

That sort of thought would not be welcome here…. Mothers should be selfless, sacrificing! What is this talk about “me”?!?  It should always be kid first (or so I am given to understand….else the kid is a burden!)

Lesson learnt! Either put kids first or just don’t voice any idea otherwise 😀

This is a world of only façades….you must not display anything out of the norm. Everyone is and should be the ideal perceived person 🙂

In the wake of this revelation: I hereby declare….I am nothing without A. He is and always be my life, my breath and my all. I am a nobody and he is my be all & end all 🙂 There is nothing called self-love once you have a kid!

‘Tis the Season!

As Google Doodle today says….‘Tis the season! The time when one reflects on the year past and the year/life ahead.

Looking back at the year I have had – less drama from years before? May be not! I had enough of that at work. It is little solace to know that it is not over! So earlier this year, I embarked onto a project with shifts (shifting shifts at that!) Apart from the politics, impact on health & time was huge. So, moved on then got into another project that I was looking forward to working on. Alas it was not to be! Back to bench. Again some ensuing drama, tiff with management, I did get picked for a short term project that did not kick off at all. Back to bench (which has become a phenomenon in my life this year…BTW, I am benched now again). I attended scores of training sessions.

Through this time, met a motley crew of people few of whom have gone on to become good friends. Of course there are a few I wish I had never crossed paths with. Have had my dose of humour in interacting with some too!! In effect, at the work front, I have not gone anywhere and have this weird feeling that if at all, it is that I have fallen back! Sigh!

Home – pretty much goes with same old same old. Nature forced us to be together with nothing else to do early this month. It also saw me find people rise above just to help! All one had to do was ask, and response was immediate from various fronts. It makes one believe in humanity and goodwill! It also made me see people whose reactions amazed me! Well there are many different views and people!

I did manage to catch up on some reading. Feels good to just read. Long list of books on the to read list! Lifetime not enough!! I completed the 100HappyDays challenge (mentioned it in a post earlier). Been posting pictures on Instagram.

The year has seen me battle with health issues that started while working those shifts. It does scare me about how it is going to be with getting

fat

older! Depression showed up quite a few times. It can never be my long lost/forgotten friend I suppose! 🙂

Yes, am also the same fat self! No
change there as well!! 🙂 Really liking the minion quotes…and this one 😉  or something that goes about not being able to fit all the personality in a tiny body!! I kid myself! I need chocolate, coffee, cake and may be more! :p

A is growing up (he was asking when he will be a teenager!! 😀 ). I wonder how he will turn out despite all that we are going through & I am putting him through. I sure do hope that cliché about what does not kill you makes you stronger is true!!  He has had his share of disappointments this year – one really huge one. I was amazed at how he handled that!! Amazed especially when I was seething with anger and more so by some inane reactions – a whole other post can be written on those!! Yes…he is growing!! (and I am not! )

A few friends of mine at work have moved or are moving to other cities. I think if someone wants to move from Chennai, they just need to become good friends with me. Am a lucky charm for it! 🙂 I am super happy for them as that is what they want though it also is difficult to know they are moving (selfish much!?). Caught up with some others and renewed friendships. Thanks to social media & smart phones we still endeavour to stay in touch.

As is the case of gaining, it also brings with it losing those you think are friends. Well this year not so much. Knock on wood. Though it did bring in a time when I saw the true self of some people. The not so endearing true self. As a person who does not write off anyone easily, they just moved to becoming people I know and interact with. Also wondering where some friends have disappeared and hope to hear from them. If you are reading this, please ping and let me know all is well! 🙂

What are the words that resonate for me this year? Humanity, Blessing and well stagnation, doubt (hey if you have been reading my blog you must know that it will not be all positive!! 🙂 )

What am I looking forward to next year? Nothing! I maintain that I am better equipped when I expect nothing and even the little that may come my way pleases me. No dreams, no expectations …absolutely nothing! Do I have new year resolutions?! Nope!

Lesson learnt: Life goes on… (well not a lesson more a fact. It just keeps getting reiterated).

Happy Holidays to all!!