Dec 14

It is Dec 14th! December is a month where lot of things have happened. I had A, my dad and my favourite cousin have their birthdays, I got married. Yes it would have been (it still is 😦 ) my 8th wedding anniversary today.

It is so easy looking back ain’t it? Looking back, I am questioning so many things. What have these 8 years meant to me? What if? What have I got for the last 8 years? Many would answer – your son! True…I have him. I love him and he is definitely all I have in life now. Though, I also tend to see him as a huge responsibility. I am scared. Would life have been different if I did not have him? Of course. I might probably not be alive writing this post! Assuming, I did live, would it have been different? Again yes. I would probably not be with my parents. I would not have many constraints I currently have (which many fail to get!) when looking out for a job.

Do I have regrets that my marriage ended (or to be factually correct – is ending) ? Not really. I just want all the legalities to be done with at this point of time. I must thank a special someone  and a few friends for making me realise that it was not worth it to brood over and that I could not have done anything different.

I have been told to be strong. I don’t understand what that means! Does confessing that you are scared of what the future holds at this point mean you are not strong? Does crying over losing 8 years of your life make you weak? I am scared. I do cry at times when I am overwhelmed. If that makes me weak, so be it.

I was telling a friend earlier that I have accepted my situation. She said that I had not accepted but am resigned to what is happening in life. I probably am resigned. I can do nothing about anything. I know many would say oh you can do this or that! I really wish I could….but I have realised there is nothing to be done but wait. I am waiting for P to file for divorce (yeah…the guy still has not!!!) He sends me money though every month. Thanks P. I am waiting for some gaps in communication to be filled (can’t explain now! 😦 ) I am waiting for something to look forward to in life. I do not blame life or destiny. I am not whining here….it is just a matter of fact. I wish I don’t merely exist but live my life – not just my son’s life! (I know I am not the ideal mother/woman….blasphemy that I wish I had a life and did not live for the only person I have in life!!!!!)

I spoke my mind to someone today. That person did not even respond – did neither deny nor accept what I said. I don’t know what to make of it. I said I would draw my own conclusions – rather stick to my ideas about that person. Again silence. I think I have burnt that bridge but I don’t feel bad about that either!!

Have I become so cynical that nothing matters? If nothing did, why am I writing this entry? I never ever took new year resolutions. To me, it is just another day but I wish it is not this year. I wish and hope things change. I am tired of my life. Weird, I have not lost hope on a few things I hold dear. I am hoping those happen.

I refrained from writing totally depressing entries. I could not help this! As I key this in, A is asleep. I just feel lost. Waiting sucks…. I wish I get that call I have been waiting for, I wish I get a job, I wish that the divorce was truly done with,I wish A never ever misses his father growing up. Weirdly, as much as I hope all those happen, it feels like there really is nothing that will. It feels like I will keep existing till the end whenever that is (sometimes I wish it came sooner)!

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Blogging & me

Over a few conversations I had with a few friends, I realised how regular I was when I was posting on one particular blog. This blog mostly contains pics of A along with a short write-up all his antics. I stopped posting in that. It has been close to a year now.

I was almost? obsessed with that blog. I used to have a camera with me all the time(or feels like it now 😉 ) to capture any and every moment! Was it because of the blogging? Or was it the excitement of being a mother of a growing/learning infant/toddler?! I had (I say “had” since I am still waiting to get a hard disk of all those memories – separation in the modern age! *sigh*) a huge collection of photos; took them almost every day.I think I even took photos just with blog posts in my mind sometimes.

Fast forward to now….I do take a lot of pictures even now. (Confession – not as many as before though! ) but there is not urge to post them or even share them in emails. Initially, when I stopped posting on the blog; many asked me as to why I was not posting, or to send them pictures of A. Those questions and queries have trickled down close to none now. Very few ask to see his photos or urge me to take & share those pictures.

Have I reduced taking pictures as much because I am not blogging? Is it because A is older now (no less cuter if not more- I must add 😀 ) and is in school almost half the day? Have I become lazy (become? 🙄 )? Considering that his life is now getting filled with activities from school also – am I wrong in not sharing these with friends & well wishers? I don’t know; but my gut feel says that I must not continue with that blog any more.

I (being a second kid myself) urge my friends having their second one to do everything they did for their first one including baby showers. Now, I wonder if I have just stopped being me with even my only one?! Is it just because I am not posting anything on that blog?

I see one too many questions! 😀 Weird! What a separation does to one’s life among so many other things! For those who are wondering what my separation with my husband has to do with me not posting in A’s blog… in a fit of anger, I told my husband that he should stay out of A’s life forever and without a second of hesitation; he accepted. He never once has enquired about A. He had not done so even before that anger fit. According to him; his responsibility as a father ends at sending money. So, my posting recent pics was out of the question in that blog since it was started by both my husband and me! I do not want him to ever see what he has lost out on.

You should move on…

OK! This is another statement I often hear. Just a reply…I am moving on 🙂 trying my hardest in some areas like job (career?!?) .

Anyways, this post is really the result of a conversation I had with a friend yesterday. I was just asking her about friends I had made (Desis who work with P) It so happens a couple just had a baby. I was enquiring about them and was saying I would mail them a congrats, asking the name of the kid. My friend was like ” you know what? You should really move on!” in response to my queries.

I could not really get where that came from! I mean…does one stop being a friend because you are getting divorced?  I just ended up saying I would mail the couple my best wishes and if they choose not to respond…well, it is their choice!

Was wondering if moving on meant just giving up friends you made through your ex? One thing though, I should say that I am still in touch with his collegemates even now. They are really wonderful people.

In my opinion, if your partner is the one who dictates whether someone is your friend or not, I might as well not have them in that list. If they are not friends for me…who wants them anyway?

OMG!

It has taken me a while to realise that I was in such a dead end marriage…living life as a doormat. Not that my position has improved greatly…but hoping it would soon enough. Why this post then? Well, off late, I have been told by some friends of mine; rather hinted upon that the one person I want out in my life might come back maybe (as he has not yet filed for the divorce! their ideas…), repent for his ways and I should accept him – for whatever reasons.

True, at one point, I would have done anything to stay with him. Now though, I am pretty clear. I want him out of my life and A’s. Any suggestions otherwise just infuriate me.

Don’t quite know why such things even come up especially from some who know every bit of what has transpired to the demise of my marriage. Is it Indian mentality? It took a lot out of me to get out of the trap mentally. It pains me to go through all these ideas of how he might come back, how I must forgive & forget  and all that!!! Sheer agony! So…please stop! Now all I want is to get on with life with my son.

Been a year!

It is a year since A and I left our lives as we knew it for a “vacation”. Little did we know that it was us being banished. Thing is I never knew that it was so until december last! I was sent away with the idea that I would be back in two months; lies, deception about the delays to get the “visa approval” ( never applied for!). Finally the bombshell early december after much coaxing. It shattered me. I tried bargaining my way back thinking A would miss having a complete family around while growing up. The B phase of DABDA that my good friend mentions in his blog? Anger is something that is still simmering. Losing 7 odd years in my life while I was thinking we were working everything out and was made to believe that everything was fine – cannot really put into words of how I feel.

Starting my life back from scratch, sent away to live with my parents at an age where one wants a place to call her own.  There are many days when I feel that A is a huge burden and am scared of failing at some point and being blamed entirely. I am terrified when I think of the impact this is going to have on him; terrified when I think of my life once he sets on his path. I cannot even sit alone for a few minutes; growing old alone?!?! I am tired of facing the society here where it is blasphemy still and a divorce is my fault and nothing but. The funny part is; the guy who did all the drama to put me in this spot has not filed for it yet! I am scared of what he is plotting now to ruin me further if at all it is possible. All my dreams/ aspirations shelved forever. Hurts more because I had no clue whatsoever! I had been fooled like many others that he is a good father who puts his son first ( after all he supposedly had a bad childhood with a strict dad), the promises he made while marrying me (he stopped smoking for me!) He turns around and says I was fool to believe all that he said! I am told I am fool to have trusted my husband.

I am a fool. I just cannot get smarter! All I hope now is that he files for the divorce (uncontested as he is filing in the US) and does not hurt me more. Leaves A to be with me, gives money so I can give the best to my son. I cannot afford anything with my pay and the rising inflation in India. I cannot even think of living on my own with the paltry pay I get now; or even appoint a caretaker. The last thing I ever wanted to do was to trouble my parents in their old age; and they are stuck with us. My father has to take care of A and my bedridden mother – no choice! Now, my husband is sending money which I am saving up in the fear that it will stop sometime soon. I have asked him to be honest & forthright at least now – he does not bother to answer even his mails!

I am fighting to get A’s & my stuff back here. Don’t know if he would ever send anything…documents, toys, clothes, misc. People tell me I am being petty, I should just let it be; not ask for all that back…my question is why? After all, those things are ours (many things paid for by my parents) or things that I got for A to grow up with!

I am being a fool; when the guy cannot reply to a lousy mail; I expect him to send everything and be decent?!? I am just torn between I want nothing to do with him to I need money to take care of A to what would happen to A as he grows up. How do I face his questions?!? How do I answer all the comments I face in society here (even wearing clothes the way I chose to is scrutinised!) How would A face everything?! He has been having a low grade fever now, acts up and the doctor says that it is probably more psychological than physical as he is dealing with my absence too when I am away at work (I had written earlier that I did not want to go work till A was settled but I need to now!) I have stopped believing in God. I have stopped believing there is anyone out there. I just know that I have to be here for A.

I had battled with the urge to write all this earlier. Every trauma sometimes would egg me on to write an entry. I stopped myself. I did not want to pour out like I have; but today, I decided not to listen to the voice that is asking me to stop or to some well-meaning friends who asked me as to how much I want to bear out.  Why? I want people to know that all is not well and happy. Do not trust others. Since this has been happening, I have heard stories that are even worse (women with infants left on the streets in the heights of cold winters etc…,) I don’t want to count my blessings or listen to any cliché. This is a vent out of depression/anger and a warning to anyone who are placing faith on someone else even those “friends” who you pour your heart out to and end up singed!

I do want to thank those who have stood by me and A- My mother especially even in her state of health has been a pillar of support.

Hmm!!

I have been one person who has been almost close to obsessive about losing weight. That loomed large in my life (no puns intended! 😉 ) Off late though, that has been one of the most insignificant of things!!!
When something larger comes up, even what we think is a huge problem becomes almost insignificant!!
I have been a pessimist my entire life now I guess. Actually the few times I have been optimistic…it has not worked out for me. In a way, I have actually been a person who has taken life as it comes too. Being a pessimist, I guess outright planning does not work 🙂 I start thinking that I would not succeed. I have also been pretty baffled by questions like “where do you think you will be five years from now?” If someone had asked me this question five years back, never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would be where I am right now! Am I making sense?? There are times I don’t know what I am going to do 5 minutes later!! 😀
I call myself a pessimist, but there are times when hope comes to the forefront! I start hoping things would be fine even if they apparently are not….so does that make me an optimist?
Well, reading what I have just written…I feel I am confused!! LOL!! I guess I am in the grey area here….
Hoping and praying that whatever I am going through will also pass. Though the pessimist in me keeps telling me rock bottom is still far away…I am only getting there. In fact when a friend told me, the only way is up from here; my response is that every time I think that, something worse happens…. and reiterates my belief!! In every solution suggested, I see more problems!! God help me!! 😀

Divorce – Myths?

Was reading Swaminathan’s entry titled urban myths about divorce & marriage. It contains the following link…
Top Ten Myths of Divorce

This is worth the time to read…
Better to stay married and sort out all differences don’t you think?
This should serve as an eye opener for those who think that divorce is the easy solution for any marital conflict instead of compromise & understanding. There is nothing revolutionary in going for a divorce, it is actually prudent to work things out.

Of course, I don’t say this is the norm for all. Not advocating staying in abusive relationships for the sake of being married, but do not approve of the view that divorce is the answer instead of communication, agreeing to disagree, being mature.