Is this how it will be?

Close to end of the day. I am sitting in front of the television flipping channels not really settling on anything. Alone. A is off to spend time with my grandma. Rest of my family ( parents, brother) is in other rooms behind closed doors. So essentially am just here, alone. 

Millions of thoughts flowing in and out. None even close to happy. I have said it before will say it again. I don’t do well when I am not busy. The project I enjoyed being in is coming to a close. No idea what is next. My optimistic colleagues tell me I will be placed in another challenging role soon. Pessimistic me has every single reason as to how it wouldn’t happen. 

So is this how it will be? When A is off to lead his life? I don’t even know if I will live where I do now. I just have an address not a place I call home ( no idea if I would ever have one). What ifs galore as usual! What if I am not employed either? I have completed a little over five years where I work now. A place I joined to climb the corporate ladder. Guess what? I have no clue where the ladder is. Have had experiences I have learnt from, made friends. Yes, am told that is what matters in the long run. I am not in a philosophical mood. I am really tired of doing my duty and expecting nothing. Fed up more like. 

My mother was hospitalised last week. She was critical the first few days. She is on the road to recovery now. That just brought in more questions in my mind. People, relations, behaviour. Intrigue! 

On a sidebar, am also amused at how I get affected by people who I know are fake. The way they portray themselves especially on social media. Why am I so affected instead of just brushing it all off , having a laugh? I wonder how I used to call them close friends. 

I want nothing to do with anyone as I feel they will let me down for sure. On the other hand, this loneliness is haunting. I thought at my age, one will have everything figured out. I think I am more confused than I ever was in life. Clueless. Looking for guidance though my wonderful brain & heart say that nothing will work ever. Tells me how I am too old, too fat, too dumb for anything. 

I guess I better learn to cope with this sinking feeling. I sure know what is bottomless. Doubt if I even have reached close to what people call rock bottom. No am not ready to count my blessings!! I am not a saint nor wish to be. So if someone is going to come with that load of crap ; I might as well ask them to shove it. 

Idle mind sure is a devil’s workshop for me. 

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Ping!

Today is awesome!! And today is not so awesome either!! Yeah yeah roll eyes and say oh boy this Libra!! ๐Ÿ™‚

How many of us make the effort to stay in touch? How many of these friendships last? I am almost OCD in trying to stay in touch. I can’t not ping just to say hi. Over the years, age,ego have come in the way many a times! 

I have even called a close friend told him I will not call or text him ever saying I am done putting in the effort all the time. He is still my friend and am in touch with him! This outburst is like shaking him out of his stupor.

Then there are those you put in the effort for a while & decide ” well guess I am not worthy of the other person making an effort to reciprocate”. This fizzles out. Today is not so awesome a day for this reason. I decided I am not making the effort any more to ping a friend of mine who was really close. The last time I interacted I had mentioned that it was always me who initiated a conversation with the response saying “hey I always respond”.  This was a couple of months back. I pinged recently and well no response. So today I decided enough is enough! If I don’t even deserve a response, then why do I have to put myself through the effort??? 

Today is also awesome!! Friendships you make when you are a growing up do mean a lot! Out of the blue a wonderful friend pings and says hey! Saw pics of you & others in a meet you had. Jealous I am not there. Felt great to catch up. I said I was feeling bad and the response was so heartwarming saying that our friendship was special & treasured. 

Makes a whole world of difference to know that you mean something to someone indeed. The balance is swaying not ready to settle right now. 

I will just endeavour to be happy about those who are present in my life. ( even without my knowing they are there even ๐Ÿ™‚ ). I will try not to delve in anguish about those who may not have time for me in the hope that they too might be cherishing the time we had spent together. I also hold dear those friends who I have not even met in person (yet…) but have been great! 

Here is to friendships!! My source of strength in life ๐Ÿ˜Š. Thanks!! 

Triggers

Well this is my second version. The first one got lost thanks to a power cut & bad UPS! Don’t ask :). Don’t know if this would be what I first sat to write. All I remember is the title… Rest was how I just type as I feel. 

Just as my life had been the run up to today Deepavali 2015 has been pretty good. Took yesterday off making it a long weekend. It also helped in my not braving the cyclone outside but sitting inside the confines of the house & enjoying it. 

Reminiscing about the festival back when we were in the colony (aka apartment complex of these days), collecting money to gift our shuttle driver, talking of clothes bought, making sweets & savouries under my mother’s supervision (also posted them on the recipe blog for future reference)… The cyclone made the time even more nostalgic. Power cuts forcing us to do things the old way. The inverter gave way  without charge & A got the sense of how it would be without the bright electricity driven lights. There is a beauty in the oil lamps that were lit a day before the festival thanks to the rains & TNEB. We just played, talked, read. We even went to a movie on Sunday driving in the rain. 

Now as the day & the festival is winding down…as A and I walked back down after watching the fireworks on the terrace, it hit me. It has been eight years. The last pictures I posted on A’s photo blog that I maintained religiously since he was born documenting moments – it was the Deepavali when we got back here to India. The kid loved watching the sparklers, flowerpots, chakras and shut his ears to the noisy crackers. Now he holds his own bursting them with enjoyment. He has said it would be his last year & next year on he would not even buy them. (Side note: he was amused at a print on the box that said made for a child not by a child). 

Eight years!! A friend warned me that even as life moves on, there would be triggers known & unknown that send you on that emotional roller coaster. Now I understand what he meant!! I really don’t know what that trigger is today! Is it me clearing up my whatsapp messages and noticing a friend responding to my sharing a piece of news that hurt me by saying “can you do something about it, if not move on!”  I know she has no clue how it feels and I must not get overwhelmed by that reaction of hers. Is it me posting on Instagram and then realising that a few though they follow don’t even acknowledge seeing the pics while happily asking me to check their pictures out saying I don’t share anything!!  Is it that friend who got so emotional and I listened to the whole outburst every time but hear that I must move on if I happen to share something?! Or is it the ubiquitous advice ” oh stay strong!”?? Seriously?!? When I hear this from some friend who supposedly has seen me battle everything all alone with absolutely no support – it takes a lot of that strength not to swear!! 

I may not be at a great place or even where I want to be but I am proud of getting here facing all that I have alone! If that is not strong I don’t know what is! May be I am not strong ๐Ÿ™‚ if being emotionless is what it takes. I am human & I have not become a saint nor do I yearn to be one. I also do go through the gamut of emotions. I cannot be fake happy like how it looks like on Facebook or Instagram. 

Or may be it is that faรงade that people put up. It irks me to see those supposed BFFs or sister from another mother posts!! When one knows how much of a wannabe that person is! Well wondering if it is those who remember me when they need money & forget that it is not easy for me and would like it returned on time as promised, not making me feel bad about even broaching that subject. This particular thing hits me when I review my accounts. Taken for a fool again?! I have been told that I must not expect money back when I lend it out ( how I wish it was true if ever I borrow – hope that I don’t get put into that position! Touchwood ).  Or may be those who scoff at my being overly cautious about being even remotely optimistic! 

These are people triggers. There are calendar & event triggers too. 

Easier said than done. Ignore the triggers & live life. I do live life, wishing the triggers disappear. Hoping that the acceptance phase of DABDA stays forever & does not do this jumping to other phases now & then – triggers or not. 

Updates in life so far: none that matter. I was rebenched and now in a short term project. So gainfully employed till end of the year. 2016 no idea what it would bring or how this year would end! Met a few friends, made a few. There was one experience I wanted to write about…may be in another post. A going about his school life like an average kid with his ups & downs. I hope I can be good support to his triggers! I am amazed at the way he is growing & handling things that come his way. Guess the one thing he can’t handle yet is when I wish to give up & he knows that am edging there before I pull back. Love him & proud of him. I don’t say it enough!! 

I have troubled a few of my friends from school time, a couple of colleague friends and my friend who is a writer Laksh quite a lot with my meltdowns during this period. Kudos to them for tolerating me. May their tribe live long!! ( to endure more of me ๐Ÿ˜‰ ). 

If only!

As some of my friends say, my life since I finished college has been a constant drama. One after another making me wish enough is enough. Listening to advice to be strong while I know I have dealt with each in the best possible way I could, to look at my son & to live for him. Anything I said against this labelled me as being selfish, bad mother. I love my son but I will be lying if I said he is the be all & end all of my life. I breakdown more often than before – don’t know if I am tired. Nothing seems right.
All these years I always used to say be happy the age that you are. Enjoy it, each year as it is. Now I wish I were younger when it would be easier to restart life as it is ( with A). If that is not possible, I wish I were older much older so I would have gotten used to this & it would be agreeable, not much to look forward to then. I feel like I am now stuck in that age where am too old to renew my life, too young to give up. It feels easier to want to give up since I am not able to accept reality – which is I am being someone who is used, taken for a ride & left with a broken heart all because I trusted, loved with everything I got. Do I blame the one who did this to me or myself for having allowed this?! I think the latter.
I wish I were hard hearted & didn’t care at all but am still not there. I don’t want to be bitter but I can see myself getting there. No, I don’t have faith in God.
I just am lost, lonely & someone who cannot hate even when hurt a lot. I am not even able to dislike. I get angry – very angry. I yell/scream but I don’t mean to hurt or love any less. I hate losing people in my life but it seems like this has become a habit. People walking out of my life without a care knowing how much they mean to me! Makes me wonder if I would ever understand all this?!?
There are times I wish I didn’t have A… It is only out of frustration I say it. He is definitely the most important part of my life. So I wish people stop telling me that & making me resent him sometimes more the carrying of the responsibility alone than anything else.
If only life becomes bearable & soon. I am losing patience & fast!!!

Reaching out…

I had penned down a lot of experiences over the years. People choose sides in a divorce. Friends split. Some are put in an awkward position.

I had to look for some information in my old mails. I stopped & read many of the mails & conversations. I realised how much people had reached out to help me during that time. I lost touch with a few people. Today I have written to them, apologising if I had done or said anything wrong. I have asked if we could get back in touch. I don’t know if they would respond. I hope they do.

I always tell people who ask me about the decision to go apart….I tell them that it is their decision as only they know what happened between the two of them. I might have a version of my story. P would have his. I know some would choose to believe and back his version & some mine. I do not claim to be all innocent neither would I take all the blame. The divorce happened, does not mean that friends must not be together. It is highly unlikely that P & I cross paths physically ever again. We do talk to each other in a civil manner thanks to having to share a son.

I don’t know why I have the insane reasoning that I must not have any ill-will with anyone I know. There is a friend who said I try to please others too much & am stupid to do so. I think may be it is driven by the fact that I don’t like to lose people. I cannot ignore neither can I let go… It may be the result of my loneliness & lost feeling that I want people around me.

Whatever the reason, I do not want to lose nice friends. I know I will get remarks saying they moved on you do too. They don’t care why do you?! Well I do care! I dont know why?! but I do. That is me!!! May be stupid, crazy or however one might chose to describe it.

I know P has moved on but it does not take away the hurt I feel. I cannot explain it and I don’t think one can understand why I feel how I do. I don’t understand why; how can anyone else?!

As usual I digress….crux is I hope people I have reached out to get back in touch with me. At least just a hello to say they are fine!

I really don’t want to hear a lecture on how some people come and go in our lives….these are not some people who are acquaintances….they are good friends I care about even if I am not in touch with them.

I honestly don’t know why I am penning this down now…may be some day I will read these posts and rethink like I just read all those old mails/chats. Those mails & chats have brought a lump in my throat. I just hope when I read this again later, I smile and think I did right by reaching out!!

Just don’t fit in!

This is what I have been feeling for quite a while now! Working in a company where the average age of the employees is around 25, I am old there! I did write that I found a few friends; then why do I feel like I don’t fit in….not there not anywhere.

I have come to realise why there are support groups with similar people coming together! I didn’t before this. Now I am a single mother living with her parents. My friends are single either living on their own or with their parents. So, there are times they don’t get it that I have a kid back home with my parents who I don’t want to act as parents to my son! I really can’t hamper their plans just because I have a kid, or make them accomodate the kiddo! My other friends who do have kids, well,ย  that is another story! They are married and have a proper standard family. I can’t really hinder them either. I do feel I am part of neither group!

At work, I am older in the company than what I was when I joined but still not old enough to be tenured! So, I don’t quite fit in there either. As much as I dread being alone, it appears to be my only option these days. I would rather not trouble my friends and make them change their plans or conversations for me!

These aren’t the only reasons that make me feel like I don’t fit in. There are quite a few more….one more; some friends of mine are so out of the box thinking (I don’t have that thinking but admire them for it!) or they are so boxed in (which also I admire as I can’t do that either!)

Seriously contemplating to shut myself out from everything & everything, keep to myself rather than feel uncomfortably about not fitting in anywhere! Saves me the pain & agony – that is for sure!