Isn’t it weird?

I’ve off late been wondering how weird it is that people with most access to technology and the best means of communication are the most incommunicado. Or is it just those who are in my life who are like that?
These highly tech savvy people seem to have internet access 24/7, a phone with a good network in their hands (phones like the iphone or blackberry), signed up in all kinds of networks from Google+ to facebook to Twitter to whatever else there is…. So in theory, they must be accessible all the time and respond to a call by some means. Sadly, this is not the case.

I feel like I was more in touch with people back in the days when we did not have mobile phones, and internet was at snail’s pace and not omnipresent. Is it me? Probably it is!!

Read this somewhere

The Silent Killer of relationships is the lack of communication…. communicate before misunderstanding separates you, with hurt, pain, n thoughts

How many of us bother to just say hello?! or even smile at someone we know when we pass by them on the corridor at work?! When all it takes is even a virtual poke or a text message, there seems to be hardly any effort to keep in touch. If someone calls out of the blue, the thought that crosses one’s mind is …ok so what does that person want?! Get to the point already!!!

As I said earlier, may be it is just me and my cynical-self! I used to make an effort to drop that occasional email just to say hi and enquire about welfare. Now I just feel it is futile. I used to send in updated pics of A to people….now I don’t bother! In fact there are times I feel like it is not worth the time or effort to do any of this.

I had quite an accident last week. Called this friend who I have known for ages now. Recounted this…and in the midst of handling this, hung up after asking a query about where I can get the car repaired. Had I been in this person’s place or had it been a few years back, I would have received a call say half an hour or hour later enquiring if things were alright. Guess what? The person pings me when I log on to a chat module much later in the night….and asks “so did you get the car to the repair shop?!” I lost it and responded saying that the question was way too early to be answered…and this friend just disappeared! I guess I must just be thankful that this friend even bothered to ask me later on at night?!?!

Just feel like I am turning more cynical, more bitter & less hopeful by the day. Makes me wonder if it is just me or people are just not what they used to be?! Feel like there is more distance now that the world is virtually a much smaller place…at least in my case!

Contemplating…

As usual, I am just contemplating life, God, philosophies….

Saw this as

“Q: Why should we believe in God?
A: Because there are still some questions which cannot be answered by Google.”

Sulz‘ status message on facebook. Yes, I clicked on “like” 🙂

Though, I wonder when will God answer the questions. Would these remain questions forever?! Going back to what I wrote quite a while ago… God! Give me patience, but hurry!!

I wish I could share what is going on in this place called my brain. Alas I cannot really do that now and here! Though nothing much has changed. Nothing is clear. Still wondering when I can see through the haze and know what is ahead.

The past fortnight has been quite a journey. Have had my ups and downs. The ups were not so high, the downs were pretty bad. Had a breakdown one of the days and had to resort to leaning on a friend’s shoulder. Thanks N! He was amazing and had me smiling and laughing at the end of the conversation. All this when he must have been tired after a long day at work and an early start the next day. Things I put my friends through!! 🙂 Sorry guys and a big thank you!

I also learnt a big lesson. Do not trust everyone who claims to be a friend. (I know some of you there going…duh!! but I have major issues with trust. I trust anyone who says she/he is a friend and shows he/she cares!  Dumb me! )  They just get everything out of you and trample over you. As my son’s father used to say…I have been spoilt by the great friends I have! The one off case where the person is out to take advantage of you comes as a shock, worse when that person also mars your path! I mean go on ahead take whatever but do not put the other person down! I guess there are people of all kinds! Such people just makes me realise how precious the real friends I have made over these years are. I just wish the bad ones do not use “friendship” and give that a bad name!! I suppose a lesson my friend P says is finally seeping through…” hey Apar remember everybody has an agenda. Figure that out. Don’t get hurt like this. Most are like this, few are otherwise. The few would stay, the others will just get their work done!” It is so hard though to find people with agenda or what it is 🙂 Lots and lots of learning ahead I suppose.

When will I get enlightenment?! Need it badly to go through now looking ahead at a life with all the responsibilities of a single mother. (I find people ever so ready to point the finger at me for every teensy weeny mistake and say I am a bad mother) and increasingly lonely days. I am trying not to infringe on my friends’ time so that they remain my friends :D. I don’t know anything any more not that I knew earlier. Just a little more confused now.

I have not been blogging too often because I don’t want to keep penning down all this. I don’t even know if this makes sense to anyone who reads this. 🙂 Just some rants of a confused, lonely and beaten down person (this is not self-pity or anything…just a matter of fact). I hope to survive this and more that I will be facing. Now God…with the patience, just give me some strength to find happiness in the little things I have and that diminishes the lemons thrown in! I am thankful for what I have. I know I am luckier than many others in the world but I must say enough is enough. I can’t stand it any more. I have not been the lucky one (I have never had luck even in a lucky draw in FIFA – shows when you pick Barry as the player in a draw with ENG playing GER! or Slovakia as the team in another draw! Was told even if the team comes last I get something…and the team goes into the KO stages!!! 🙂 LOL! 🙂 ) I don’t want the riches of the world. I just want to go on without being pulled down or betrayed. C’est tout!

Anybody there! ?!

Looks like I am posting once a month now! Or at least it has been close to a month since my last post!

What have I been up to? Going through some really bad moments – learnt that I mistrusted a person who I thought to be a great friend (15 years of friendship down the drain – making me wonder who my real friends are now! ), distance between me & another friend has grown due to a stupid misunderstanding because of my mood swing, visit by a trio of old people I never wanted to meet as a result of a “friend’s” actions. The last on the list was a bit too much for me & A.

I know that all this sounds really cryptic but over the last month I have learnt that I have been way too open only to be hurt by people I trusted. It is not easy for me to be this closed… am glad I have a few I still trust & open up to. Don’t know how long they will be there (showing how cynical I am getting I suppose) Result of a few who say they would call back & have not, I have pinged and in fact even asked them to call when free cos I wanted to talk – still waiting! I know people are busy, have lives etc…, but I also know that no one is that busy that they cannot even return a call or message for days on end. I get the message. Learning that being a hi-how do you do?-bye friend is all many are! I sometimes wish I could be like that!!! I am not! I have always valued friendship and would do anything for a good friend. I don’t want to become the cynic that I am turning into.

I don’t know how many readers I have left! 🙂 I have been really bad at commenting on the blogs I visit (avoiding it because of the way I am right now) I hardly even ping anyone online nor tweet – so much so I doubt if I qualify to be part of the tweeples out there or a blogger or whatever!!

Now I only wish that I don’t lose the few I have in my life right now or that I have the strength to face the time when they won’t be around. Life is weird – especially mine – I always end up getting the one thing I never ever wanted – loneliness!

There are three things in life that shouldn’t be broken… hearts, promises & friendships 🙂

Found that in the status shuffle on Facebook. Guess what? All 3 have been broken…one too many times!!!

Conflict

I am sure there are many out there who will go..there she goes again! Well, I feel that too… there I go again!

Mulling over things, I am feeling really conflicted. I know I am supposed to just go with the flow, I do. Then I stop to question. Try find answers to the million things that pop into my mind! Is this right? If yes, where is it going? The whats, the whys, the hows, the whens, the wheres, the whos….name the question and it is there in this tiny brain of mine. Driving me crazy as I am not able to find any answers either! As a friend said, “alright you get an answer then what? you will get more questions from that answer you get!” True enough. So the cycle goes on.

I know it is impractical to keep wondering but just cannot stop myself! I probably will be certified as mad. Then I come across this from a friend

It is us, that is limiting us. The Us that is abundance of energy and power. A source of unfailing spirit that is there to find. We need look inward to discover it. Not run around to find it. Ask yourself before you ask anybody else. That is truth of the life that is Us. Then comes a time when words begin to follow; Words of life,that are breath of fresh air; Healing the contrite hearts; So a spirit of realization dawned to the ecstacy of life. This what we call the “Defining Moment”.

So now one more question – Do we ask ourselves or not?! How do I find the “defining moment” as it were?!

Alright this is one of the crazier posts I have written. The few who know what is going on in my mind would probably get this; for others it might just be rambling on.  I don’t know if I have any power or energy let alone abundance of it; but I sure do want some realisation to happen – the truth of life! Doubt if I ever will find any answers ever! Just hoping that I lose some of the questions. Just getting tired of asking some over and over. For the curious few out there – some are when will I get done with the divorce? (classic example), What after that? so on and so forth….

Just feeling overwhelmed with everything in life so far. I just want some things to get over with, get some clarity in a few others that is happening, learn how to deal with all of it without really getting hurt & depressed, get over the fact that I am not really traditional in that sense of the word, learn to accept my wackiness, live with those consequences too. Knowing that I am not one to follow the well-trodden path, I must learn not to feel hurt when such a person expresses his/her opinion & to deal with handling those. Too many things to learn, too many to understand and quite a few to unlearn as well.

Here is to life, its questions & challenges! May there be more to life and less to the questions & challenges 😉

Apologies

This post has been been coming for quite a while now. I had been debating whether to key it in or not. Some events in life just push you enough to do just that.

The saying goes,

To err is human, forgive divine

This never had much significance until recent events. You know when sometimes you have no choice but to tender an apology. You know that you had done nothing wrong, nothing for you to actually be sorry about; but you have to. I had been put into that situation just recently. A very good friend said just do it & let it be. I, after quite a bit of debating in my mind, followed his advice and did just that, apologised. What shocked me was that the persons who received the apology also very well know that it was not necessary, yet… acted like they were royalty of some kind and brushed it off. The snobbish attitude just hit hard.

It was then that the saying hit me. Yes, it definitely takes character to accept an apology. The apology in itself is hard to tender. The receiver must have the heart & mind to accept it. I realised that there is more humility involved in being the receiver and acting right than in saying sorry. The way one reacts to an apology does make a world of difference to how the relationship goes forward or just stagnates & dies; to how one would perceive you as a person. The magnanimity will earn respect; and acting otherwise would probably erase the little you would have for the person. Every action has a reaction?! Questions of integrity will probably fill a whole different post. 🙂

Though in retrospect I wonder if my thought that I did not want to actually apologise carried through. I thought I did the right thing as the situation demanded and was sincere. Somehow, even if the apology was namesake, the reaction could have been equally namesake instead of what I actually got. Am I even making sense?! I don’t know but just felt that many of us need to really learn to accept when someone says sorry!

Just penned down some thoughts I had and the opinions thereafter. I don’t know if it is the norm; but felt like it sounds common sensical 🙂 Apologies if I hurt anyone (and I mean it 🙂 )

Mine is bigger!

Been a while since I posted anything. I suppose  I feel like a lot is happening and at the same time, nothing is! I also don’t think it is the Libra in me doing the talking….it really is like that!

This is just a short note to figure out one particular why!? Why do people compare their lives?! Especially the difficulties? My life is tougher than yours. I have more problems than you so am more miserable. Seriously, I wonder if misery can actually be quantified? I sympathise/empathise with another person’s difficulties but to say OMG! you are suffering so much more than some one else!? No, can’t do that.

At one point in life, even a paper cut felt like it was the end of the world to me. It hurt like hell! Now, it feels like nothing. My troubles would seem like nothing to some one else. Is it not to each one’s own? I would rather one person be there for the other than say hey, I go through worse! How do you know you go through worse? How is it that you know the agony the other person faces in life?! I don’t make comparisons; what gives you the right to say ” oh you can smile, so your life is good!” Should I carry a frown or a sad face all along? Should I just lock myself up and seek attention?!

Just something some one said that brought me down the spiral. Hope everyone faces their problems the way they can handle it, just don’t quantify the pain. What is not painful to you might be excruciating for the other! One might have a blessing among so many other “punishments”. Do not envy that blessing…that person might have just that one thing!

As my mother says, count your blessings!

And then a few more…

My last post was about how people constantly keep telling me to move on when it comes to P and I really don’t know what else I must do to say “OMG! I am done with him!!!! I am not hanging about waiting for him!!” Must I print it out on the newspaper that I am over him?!, scream from the rooftop till my lungs explode?! Well, I am doing the least I can, declaring it here in my space. All I am waiting for is the paper that would end the relationship legally and nothing but!!!!!

Now that said and done….it is at least clear. The relationship is over clearly but what about those you think are still there, yet know that it is not the same. These people are there, yet they are not. Do we write them off the list saying they are out of your life or try to keep reaching out and getting hurt when there is no response?! Such people  range from new friends to those who had been really close that you have shown every single aspect of yourself and some in-between!!! Relationships are way too complex…any thing one does one has to analyse. I am so tired of that. Wondering have I done something wrong? Is that person mad at me? Did I unintentionally hurt him/her? Too many things to process for my non-existent brain 😀

Just a sunday morning rant. Hope things are as simple as making A laugh and brighten up the moment like only he can 😀 for me and for everyone around 😉

Judgements

Of  late, I have been wondering how one is so easily judgmental. It does not matter that all the facts are not known. From the limited knowledge, one just assumes and makes an opinion of another person. So much so, uses phrases like “I hate”.

I personally have always felt that “hate” is a very strong word. I don’t think I have ever hated anyone so far. Hope I never do. To every person, there are two sides. Condemning one because of what one hears is pretty extreme. I try see the goodness in most people. If I don’t know the person well enough, I just would hope that one has a reason for what one does. 

There are many who say “oh you must so hate P”. I want to say here that – no, I don’t hate him. I don’t love him but that does not mean I hate him. We had our differences. I thought we were sorting them out. For reasons known to him, he decided to call it quits despite having a kid. He, according to most of us, has made a bad choice. According to him, it is right. Only time can tell. Do I need to hate him? I don’t like the consequences of the choices he made on my life. I am left to pick up pieces that sometimes don’t even exist. 

The worst part of it all, is being judged. I am told I must not care. Repeatedly I say that it hits you hard at times. All these negative vibes. The ranting or the crying does not necessarily mean you don’t have a grip about the situation. It does not mean that you are weak or not so strong! 

Being told that there are people who are worse off than you does not make your pain go away. One could feel sorry for the other person it still does not make your troubles/worries disappear. I just feel it is mean to think “Oh I am better off than the other person whose troubles seem worse!” Each plays with the cards one is dealt with in his/her way. Advice welcome; whether it is suitable or not is for that person who is going through the situation to decide. Yelling or swearing or comparing does not help in any way. Percentages of who are worse off than you also brings forward who are better off than you – right? So, instead of feeling supposedly better, one  might feel worse too! 

It just boils down to how one gets so judgemental. Please do not unless you know every bit of the story from all angles. Do not decide to hate a person from what one hears. It is better not to have an opinion than to form the wrong ones. Am not going to say don’t hate , spread love. Though a little tolerance does go a long way. After all we are all here for this lifetime. Why not make it pleasant for all those around us? 

On the personal front, despite my rants; I am trying my damnedest to get somewhere. I still believe in love. I hope to write about more happy and positive happenings that I & A experience.

Remarriage!

Reema had written this post on the issue of remarriage of widows, widowers, the attitude of  Indian society toward both. I agree to every single thing that she has written.

This post though stems from a different situation – an extension to what she has penned in already. From what I have heard and faced over the recent past; I should say that the attitude extends to divorced men & women too. In this day of rising divorces & broken marriages, I don’t know how many go through all this!

It is so easy for people to accept a man take on another wife while it is blasphemy if a woman thinks of the same. There are some who say, if it happens it is alright but don’t go looking for a relationship. A relationship went south once…so take care or live for your kid, get a career. Suggestions to forget one’s needs or replace them (one supposedly would be too busy to notice and when you do, you would be too old and it would be too late. Worry about it now – then the response Why are you thinking of something so far away?!? 🙂 ).  A woman is not strong enough if she looks for a partner – get a grip! is what one hears. You will be fine! Though it is absolutely acceptable that the man “moves on”, dates, finds a partner proactively!!

I am just reminded of Revathi’s Marupadiyum (Shabana Azmi’s Arth in Hindi) where the woman chooses to be single. The dialogue sticks out in my head now : the heroine says the woman has grown up being a daughter of some man taking that name, then she takes on her husband’s name, then the mother of her kids.

So, when ever will the woman live for herself and not be penalised for it? Let a single woman be; if she wants it that way, let a woman not take her husband’s name; if she wants that….and if a divorcee (well in India you are that…not single again!) wants to live alone – so be it or if she looks for a relationship…why not?

Personal choices have no place! Being judged by society, being stamped as whatever – will these ever stop?There are times when I think single women (widows & divorcees) make that choice because of the attitudes she may have to face finally. It gets to you – the society….even if you don’t want to care, at some point it does overwhelm you to resign yourself to fate!

If this is the plight of women in a city where most of the population is educated. I don’t even want to think of those in villages where “tradition” has its place! Poor women stuck in marriages where abuse is the norm (physical, emotional, sexual….)

I doubt if these prejudices would ever end! At least I don’t think they will in my lifetime. I don’t even think I am being negative here. I feel that I am being practical – cynical yes, but pragmatic! Here is to hoping I am wrong!

Next time, some one wants to say “get a grip!” , “stay strong” – Stop!! The woman probably is doing it already!!

Neither here nor there!

This post has been coming for quite some time now! I have shared this with some people I know about how I don’t feel like I belong. It was not that I felt like I belonged in the US when I was there. I was adapting to the life and learning to love the weather, the people – Many friends who were there who shared my dilemma or did not (I mean those who got the opportunity to work there).  It was not a great life, but it was supposedly my home. I put in my time to work on it, decorate & maintain it. Put in thoughts to make it feel like a home – welcomed friends to home cooked meals, hopefully made them feel nice. I did not like American football. To me, football would always be their soccer. Though, I was initiated into it by a friend who taught his kids’ school teams. I remember one time when we had friends over for the Superbowl when the guy taught P the nuances of the game and he was surprised I had picked up so much in just a conversation in some summer barbeque. We had watched the game over Indian food, red wine & awesome cheese,  pleasant company.

I digress….anyways…the point is after almost 5 or 6 years, I guess I had actually grown roots there. Fast forward to now! I am living under my aging parents roof facing divorce (phew …even I am tired of saying “soon to be ex” when I talk about P) I have been hearing about how he has been packing my stuff since Dec ’06, how he has been talking to the lawyers since only he knows when!! I am yet to receive the papers or our stuff! Life has been weird here. Bittersweet in a way. Found new friends in fellow bloggers. We connect well. They care a lot for A & me….still I feel lonely. Desparate. Feel like I don’t belong here now. Another 5 year haul to grow roots here with A in tow?! I am scared of facing this conservative society – when they hear of divorce it is my fault! At 32, without many skills to boast of , I don’t know where I am headed. I have realised that it is each to one’s own. Everyone is busy, they have their lives. I was one who let go of everything if a friend asked me for help or just called to talk. Guess, back in the US, friends become family. Here I have a family. They are concerned…I know that but are not always considerate because of their own circumstances. Friends are at a loss for even words. No one knows what to say. I am not trying to play the victim here and enjoying it as one person told me. Believe me it is not fun being the victim. Just plain fact that things are not easy. I feel like I don’t belong.

I feel like I left my friends behind there but when I read their blogs or chat with them, I no longer relate to them or their lifestyle/attitude even. I feel like I have no one here in India. I know my parents would rather not have me here at their place; but they are glad I am not somewhere suffering alone. They can’t do much but they can provide a safe shelter. They don’t know what they must do except know that their daughter & grandkid must not suffer. I don’t speak much to my parents because it mostly ends in confrontations ( a whole different post…probably will never get written!) I am just tired of being the depressed person that needs to crib to friends. I feel like I am pushing them away. They don’t know what to say because I don’t want to hear clichés or talk about karma /God/ time. Nobody can really help me out in a way either.I know I have A. Though I know that he right now is more of a responsibility; I cannot think of how I would manage if P stops sending the money that he is sending me right now! What then? My parents have no income and are living off their savings. So, A, unless I am financially stable, makes me think I made a huge mistake having him. Live in the present people might say….then when I am broke tomorrow, how do A & I live?

Just a day when I think it must all end!