Life on autopilot

It hit me today!! Life has become mechanical. I am on autopilot. Routine with no thinking.
Wake up before alarm rings. Get the kid up. Get ready and get going to school/work. Even conversations are quite routine!!
A friend had asked me to go to her place for lunch. It slipped my mind completely. Sitting here at work I am wondering what the hell is wrong with me?! I hardly get invited & even this I miss?? Missed another invite last Sunday as kiddo had classes.
A couple of weeks back, I wanted to take a day off. Spend time which was not as per schedule. My wonderful luck!! It didn't happen. This though is thanks to have had expectations from a person and was shot down horribly. Upset terribly I returned with vehemence to my mundane life that day.
Sitting here wondering what is wrong with such a life?? Wasn't I hoping for a life with no adventure. Now, I am overwhelmed with the boring life. Tired of a response as "same old same old"!
I love spending time with my kid. I am hoping he likes it too :). Yet am searching… better role at work? Definitely. Would that change things? No. I have no clue what is it that I want!!
I realise that I find myself progressively not expecting anything of anyone or life.
Que sera sera. Take things one day at a time. Is that helping?? Not really? I go to bed and the insomniac me looks back on the day wondering the whys, the whats!! Living like a robot but not so devoid of the emotions. Wondering if it is people pushing me away or me pushing them away?? A bit of both??
Clueless… with just the thought that this must not be so!! What should change? How should it change? I don't know!!

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Is this how it will be?

Close to end of the day. I am sitting in front of the television flipping channels not really settling on anything. Alone. A is off to spend time with my grandma. Rest of my family ( parents, brother) is in other rooms behind closed doors. So essentially am just here, alone. 

Millions of thoughts flowing in and out. None even close to happy. I have said it before will say it again. I don’t do well when I am not busy. The project I enjoyed being in is coming to a close. No idea what is next. My optimistic colleagues tell me I will be placed in another challenging role soon. Pessimistic me has every single reason as to how it wouldn’t happen. 

So is this how it will be? When A is off to lead his life? I don’t even know if I will live where I do now. I just have an address not a place I call home ( no idea if I would ever have one). What ifs galore as usual! What if I am not employed either? I have completed a little over five years where I work now. A place I joined to climb the corporate ladder. Guess what? I have no clue where the ladder is. Have had experiences I have learnt from, made friends. Yes, am told that is what matters in the long run. I am not in a philosophical mood. I am really tired of doing my duty and expecting nothing. Fed up more like. 

My mother was hospitalised last week. She was critical the first few days. She is on the road to recovery now. That just brought in more questions in my mind. People, relations, behaviour. Intrigue! 

On a sidebar, am also amused at how I get affected by people who I know are fake. The way they portray themselves especially on social media. Why am I so affected instead of just brushing it all off , having a laugh? I wonder how I used to call them close friends. 

I want nothing to do with anyone as I feel they will let me down for sure. On the other hand, this loneliness is haunting. I thought at my age, one will have everything figured out. I think I am more confused than I ever was in life. Clueless. Looking for guidance though my wonderful brain & heart say that nothing will work ever. Tells me how I am too old, too fat, too dumb for anything. 

I guess I better learn to cope with this sinking feeling. I sure know what is bottomless. Doubt if I even have reached close to what people call rock bottom. No am not ready to count my blessings!! I am not a saint nor wish to be. So if someone is going to come with that load of crap ; I might as well ask them to shove it. 

Idle mind sure is a devil’s workshop for me. 

Identity crisis

The following link has been sitting in my drafts ever since I came across it.

http://www.indiatimes.com/culture/who-we-are/dhoni-kohli-and-rahane-have-changed-the-names-on-their-jersey-and-the-reason-is-quite-legit-263656.html

Has this not been there for a long time? I remember a dialogue from an old Revathi movie – Marupadiyum where she says she wants to be her not carry her father’s name, nor a husband’s.

This had been something I argued about when a “friend” told me I “had to” change my surname cos I was married. I said, I would change if P changed his [ note: P never asked me then to change my name, he did later mention it in our many tiffs πŸ™‚ ] since he married too! That suggestion was not welcome much!! Glad I didn’t change, less of a hassle considering what happened πŸ™‚

Now A wants to drop his last name. Told him he can decide to do whatever when he is an adult. Now he carries whatever it says on his birth certificate. I don’t know if he will drop his last name, change it to something else (he says he will take my name or last name; or my grandpa’s last name; his gothra…choices are many).

So is it a case of rose by any other name?

This name thing apart, when like all out there, (or is it all out there??) I battle with the question of who am I? I have had many labels stuck on me. Some good, mostly bad ones. I am told by well meaning friends they don’t define me. How I look? What I am at work/home? Age? Education? Status? I have no clue! Wondering what I would tell my son when he asks the same questions….a cryptic find yourself?! Wouldn’t that be cheating?!

What is my identity? How will I be remembered? Someone who bungled her way along and failed in/ didn’t complete anything undertaken? A bad mother/sister/daughter/friend/student.(…and of course wife πŸ™‚ ) I know I have written about what success can be…at the moment, I feel like nothing ever will go right…ever in life. Do some wrong decisions spoil your entire life? Yes is my answer today! I have made a series of such wrong decisions! Will I never do anything right in my life? Let me guess…nope never!

Today is a day when I am not able to just smile away and show that nothing is wrong. Today is a day when I cannot just hear hey get over it, move on or anything that shows no empathy/sympathy. Today is a day when I cannot overlook people who have cheated me & taken me for a ride (emotionally/monetary/professionally…). Today is a day I wish I had someone to share my woes with , to hear reassuring words even if they were false. Β Today is a day I feel (and know) that I am a nobody; going nowhere. No….am not okay with it but feel helpless that I am not able to change this status quo. Yes, am on the other side of forty and have no clue! Yes I feel terrible. Yes….it probably is too late.

PS: Part of me does not feel like publishing this post. Part of me wants to cry out aloud.If anyone has come this far in the post, please do give a shout out so I can thank you for tolerating my rant!

Am I there yet?

My last line in the last visible post last October says…” hope in this ordeal I have at least lost a couple of kilograms!” I can say for sure I am not there yet in that regard. Not only have I not lost weight, I have indeed gained more!

What have I been up to? I finally got off the bench into a project. This happened mid January. Around mid February I started traveling within the country. Hectic schedules, lots of air miles, catching up with A on FaceTime/iMessage, occasional calls to my parents. It was that hectic that we as a team skipped meals, had food at unearthly hours. Added to the experiences in life. A subway & milkshake in the wee hours of the night with wonderful team members. I realise that am good when I am super busy!

So, yeah am I there yet? Happy? Nope! As I get a few minutes to think, my mind falls into what when I am without work? The downward spiral. I am not there yet where I can just live life by the moment. Looking into past has gone down significantly. I do not think that I can ever stop doing that. Those triggers – milestone dates, conversations with people who know, random memes that are shared, the dreaded questions from people we meet for the first time…..they do bring back those suppressed memories. I would be lying if I said that they don’t bring a dull pain along! So am I there yet?? Nope, I don’t think so.

Well, I guess the question more is “Will I be there?”. Β I do not know! Till then, hope I am kept busy that I have no time to think. Hope I get to travel more. Within or outside the country. Later preferred ;).

Hope to take A out to various places too. Boy is he growing up quickly yet has that boyish charm…guess even if he is older, I would say the same? Nah am not that gushing mother type!!

I do not know what is next. I have absolutely no clue. It is close to five years in a company that I wanted to quit on day 1! As much as I am tired of thinking what next, I also want to know if I am going somewhere. Have I moved at all? Β I have this sinking feeling …I have gone nowhere just older not wiser. Sigh!

 

 

Silence

For a person who actually loves talking, the last couple of weeks was sheer hell. I fell super sick, to the extent that my father, who hates going to a doctor, took me to one the last day of September!

Fever, chills, cold, cough, nausea – the works. It was bad though what was the worst part of it all – I could not talk! My throat hurt even for the slightest noise I made. It has been almost two weeks, my throat still is sore. This was what I hated! (jokingly say that I could not even yell at A! :p)

I could not attend any of the calls from the friends(/few from the family) who wanted to wish me. Responded with a text saying “Sorry unable to talk!”. Thankful that I could at least text… A day spent lying down, home call for blood work (blood donation day…another plan gone awry!), hardly being able to eat or speak, tended to by my father & kid. I asked my mother to come sit by my side. Silence certainly didn’t feel golden.

Had planned a weekend getaway trip with A & his friend to Tranquebar and surrounding areas. I could not even sit up for a few minutes! Guess this is what they say “Man proposes, God disposes” ?!

Hope to be back yapping away and making others say hey can you keep quiet for some time?! πŸ˜€ & hope in this ordeal I have at least lost a couple of kilograms! πŸ™‚

Sometimes baffled

This is my horoscope of the day…

Left baffled completely. This is wonderful advice to me at the present situation at work. Advice I must follow not just today but in the days to come for sure!! 

Though I must say anything I say becomes contentious however I say it!! πŸ˜‚

Also leaves me wondering how can you premeditate rants?? πŸ€”πŸ˜• Please block your calendar from this time to this on this date for a rant?? I wonder how many would accept that calendar invite!! Hmmm ( I would cos that is how I am if ever I received one such invite! – as they say in India #IAmLikeThatWonly). 

Horoscope predictions do baffle me sometimes 😊

Well, some people and some things do throw revelations that need to be treasured! 

Solitude

It is almost midnight. It was only the hum of the old AC unit in the room & my thoughts making noise. 

Mind wandering through what has been a tough week. Mentally, physically, emotionally. Advised to not take emotional decisions, and per chance I didn’t. Spoke to a good friend with a sound mind and laid out a plan. Tangible one as far as plans go. Though knowing my wonderful luck so far, one never knows.  

Started thinking what has brought a smile this week? Definitely time with A when I was not screaming at him venting my frustration on the poor kid. The interactions with a few friends – old & new. Cooking some nice food over the long weekend. Amused by the garden rat’s taste for the petrol feed tube to my bike. I guess it must be Jerry as I do know that there are quite a few cats around the house yet these rats/ mice seem to have a gala time with wires in the car and the petrol tube. What else? Oh yes! Seeing pics of friends & their family.  

Something I would not forget is pulling my little nephew’s leg on the phone wishing him for his birthday. Spoke in my mother tongue & he thought it was my mum talking to him!! Weird though cos I know my mum talks to him in English only!! This little baby does not wants to be one. He wants to catch up with his older brother and A ( who are partners in crime btw). I was telling him to stay a baby for a while longer. Enjoy the time & no he doesn’t. 😊 I am glad these kids get along well. I hope the gentle bullying by the big kids on the little one reduces as time goes by. 

Things going on in my mind In my time of solitude. Too many. Mind is on overdrive. 

I was just thinking won’t it be wonderful if it would rain to break my thoughts & the AC hum. Lo behold, I hear rain and thunder with lightning that flashes through the drapes on the windows in the room. It does feel nice when a wish comes true even something as trivial as this! 

What do I wish for now?! List is too long!! πŸ˜€

Though after the short work week I had that felt like it would never end, I would wish I started loving Monday’s again like I used to; when I loved going to work. Let’s start there!! 

Signing off now to listen to the rain, read a book for a while till I have to sleep! The sound of the rain is quite pleasant & soothing. 

Here is to a good weekend to all!