Unrest

I do remember this space exists. I have just resisted the many times I wanted to pen my thoughts. Why have I returned? This is a period of time I have been writing about almost since 2007 if not earlier. Time when A will be off to college. We are a week away from his departure to college.

That was a milestone I kept looking at and never beyond. I always felt my purpose ended there. Now that it is around the corner, it feels more so. A lot has happened over the years. Many lows and not many highs to report. At this juncture all am left with is unrest. I have no clue what is next for me! I am a proud mother, my son is admitted into a good college in a course of his choice. He is flying off with a promise to work hard, prove himself and do well. Wish him all the best and nothing but the best!

I have no clue what is ahead any more. All I know is I need to move and right now I feel ever so stuck – no door no opening anywhere. I am in a place where hatred towards me is quite tangible. I just wish I never wake up when I go to sleep! Am done. Duty is done. Nothing left any more. There will be no one who will miss me when am gone!

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Futility of it all

I have not been in this space of my life for a while now. When I check, it is since mid-February that I have not been here.

A has finished his public exam. Waiting for those scores was excruciating. Admission into junior college was not smooth. Had to change board of education. Trying to understand how it all works, coping with the change. Change definitely seems to be the only constant thing. All the best to the kid, hope he finds his niche and he fits in well. That is the update on the last post.

I am chugging along. Grateful I do have a job, especially during these times. That said and done, why do I feel it is futile? Everything feels so.

I came back to this space where I pen things down, rant like there is no end. I doubt there is anyone out there who even reads this. One part of me hopes this gets read and I get some positive vibes. Another part thinks it just doesn’t matter, I put this out and it is just out there! At least it is off my chest. I have been holding back, not reacting, biting my words down for a long time. I came back here to let off the steam! Release that pressure a little.

This also does seem quite useless! I realise I either just shut off or snap at people. To not snap, I shut off more. It is not easy for a person like me but I also know this is all there is. I need to learn to cope, understand I have no one I can open up and be me – express what I feel as I do not wanting cliched reactions. Probably just some wise advice. I don’t know! Lost as a lamb. I have been waiting to bounce back which just is not happening. That made me come to this space of mine. I am going to just finish now. I would say God help me but long since I stopped believing in the existence of that entity.

PS: This probably is one of the most incoherent posts of mine! If someone is reading this – apologies!

Threshold

Think of yourself as on the threshold of unparalleled success. A whole, clear, glorious life lies before you. Achieve! Achieve!

Andrew Carnegie

Public exams in the Indian system of education. The first major educational milestone that lays the foundation to what lies ahead. A starts his tomorrow. Here is wishing him the very best.

I have toggled between relaxed to a typical middle class Indian parent through this year. Stressing over his marks and wondering what would happen if he doesn’t score. Every test he had leading up to this set me on that yo-yo path. I believe that he definitely has a whole, clear, glorious life ahead! I have no doubt of that yet, these trivial exams and scores set me back a lot!

A is a wonderful child, caring and understanding comes naturally to him. My friends who know him ask me…hey what are you saying? when did he grow up to face board exams?? Seriously, when did he grow up? He is such a sweet kid. Still loves to be cuddled, would stretch out his arms any time for a hug. He does have his teenage grumpiness, moodiness and above all laziness! I am blessed to have him in my life who has been a rock to me through really tough times. I am very aware of how it should be the reverse but he has truly been the driving force for me.

He is putting in the effort, studying (Indian parent head saying he should study more!). I have no idea what scores he will get but a great life he sure will have! He deserves it!

Do send in all your best wishes, thoughts and prayers to him and all his friends. May they have a calm, cool and collected mind!

Invisible

A question that is asked often. What is the super power you would choose? Invisibility or strength to fly? I have heard many choose invisibility! I never could choose rather never bothered to even think which one I would prefer.

I realise that I am quite invisible. Most don’t even realise my presence even when I am right there. A different matter that many don’t want me around! It was quite a revelation that while I had been sitting right there and was asked a day or two later whether I had even been there!! Yay me?? I have a superpower??

Why doesn’t it feel like one? It just makes me feel left out. Like I don’t matter. I guess I don’t. I have been wondering if it is time to change that semicolon to a period.

Loser

This is a word that has been resonating in my head off late a lot. “Loser”.

I never thought too wonderfully about myself ever. My mother was one of those parents who had the philosophy that it would be bad luck to appreciate one’s kid if she did well. When I think about it, till date, she never has said I have done well in anything. No. I don’t blame her nor would say I would spend time talking of how bad she was as a mother when I grew up. On the contrary, she has never stopped me from doing anything. I am what I am, good or bad, majorly due to how she brought me up. She didn’t coddle me. She always asked me to be bold, face life. Yes, she also was afraid of what society would say and caution me….a lot!

No! this post is not about my mother. It is about me. I have not posted anything in a long time now. I have wanted to. I used to open up the blog, even start drafting and then cancel. I stopped myself thinking who am I kidding? Why am I even posting this? Who even reads all this? or give a rat’s ass on what I post/think? Well…same thoughts going on right now too!

So, what has been happening? A lot on the one hand and it also feels like nothing at all. I enrolled into a fitness camp thinking if I move, I will become fit. Guess at some level, I was getting better. It just was not a visible betterment. So, now I decided to give up. I have written before on how people comment. It has always been the case of damned if I do. Damned if I don’t. So, when I didn’t work out, it was always hey start running, walking. When I signed up, it was whoa! that place is expensive. I had to say it feels like I am investing in my health and it is worth it. No visible changes, it was why do you even bother? Now I am quitting, why quit? I am tired!

I have been told I must not care about anyone who comments. It is easier when you have people in your life and you can value only comments from those select few. When you live like I do, being a people-pleaser, it hurts. Feels like I can never live up to anything.

I am a loser. Just not losing what I want to lose…weight. Lost a lot of everything else. Something else I have lost is, trust in people. A few people make me take that step back in terms of trust. I lost faith that I would ever get the money I lent back. Come to me with a story of how badly you need money, that you would return it. I trust and lend it thinking the person will realise it is hard earned and slated to be spent on A. Lo behold, I am that loser friend who can be taken for a ride! Not just money, any other help, call…Apar will do it. Then we can take her for a ride and smear her too. Story of my life! Don’t get me wrong! I love helping friends out, I just don’t like it when I get trampled all over and feeling used.

I am growing older and definitely not wiser. I feel like I was a better person when I was younger. Definitely less cynical. Work, health – nothing to write about. No progress, and at times makes me wonder if I am worse of now. I probably am.

I stopped reaching out to people. I respond if someone pings me and at times, I don’t do that too as I don’t want to be that person who answers am fine and lies to the question how are you. The new found cynic in me is pushing people away while the other part of me craves for company. A person from my past whose words & opinions still have a sway on me, will say I am suffering from bipolar disorder.

If you have been reading and come this far, you deserve an award. This is probably one of my top ranking depression filled rants. I have done this earlier. I know I will do it again.

Thanks to those few who I still trust and are still enduring me, my depression and pushing me to live through it all. I am indebted to you as it gives me a sliver of hope.

I don’t know when I will post again or even if I will post again. Doing it now, and that is it. Again, if you have come this far, please do leave a hello and let me know you were here! It means a lot to me a lot more than you would realise.

Reminder!

It has been 14 years since I was handed this bundle of joy ! A second year teen now!! He had never been trouble. Not the whiny bawling baby. He was a friendly kid. He showed signs of empathy even as a wee baby! Many occasions to prove just that.

As years went by there were times friends used to kid saying wonder who the parent is!! I wonder where I got this mature understanding young man! He loves hugs! He takes care of me!! When I am unwell he is there making sure I have my medicine, giving me hot packs, bringing my food. Yeah I wonder who the parent is too!!

So why is this post titled “Reminder”?? Well just the other day I was in my room working as usual and A was right in the living room watching a movie. Happens to be the old “Baby’s day out”. I had to scream out asking him to keep the volume down. Then I noticed through the closed door. Laughter. It was a child’s laugh. The joy of innocence! He was laughing out loud & that reminded me that he is still a child. He acts very mature but he is a child. One who loves being cuddled, pampered, loved. As much as I wish he always retains this in him, I know that it will be his maturity that will be cancerous.

This birthday of A’s I wish for him to always retain this child in him which can let him laugh , let him trust a little more, let him love with all his heart. I wish all the pain he has endured and hurt he may have to face( yeah I know he will) doesn’t affect him too much. I hope he realises he always has a few of us right there for him come what may! In his corner pushing him & wishing the best for him!

I will not say don’t grow too soon! I will say never let go of that child in you! I may not say it so often or so loud – I do love you

PS: I keep kidding with him saying “hey A! I don’t like you”. He has his watch engraved with a little correction. It says “I don’t like you I love you ~ Amma”

That faint ray of hope

It has been ages since I even opened my space here. Life has not been still obviously. It just moves on, most of the times monotonously. It seems to chug along!

People met, jobs done, sometimes connections made. I have been drowned deep in work. It has been work, work and more work. So much so I missed even wishing friends on their birthdays, missed meeting some! When I lay in bed fighting to not stay awake and fall asleep, I am left wondering what I am doing! What all this boils down to?

On the rare occasion I made to a meet with schoolmates, a friend said they were planning on a trip to see the Northern Lights. A few from the US and she from Canada. I joked saying yeah may be I must join in with A. This took shape and form. I did push this idea and hopped on to the plan. Extended the bookings they had already made to accommodate the two of us. Countdown began. First hurdle was to get the vacation approved. Then it was fun talking of what we intended to do there. Main topic of discussion was – food!

Me, the eternal pessimist was waiting for something to blow up. Me not getting the visa or something else. Well it all did eventually fall in place. Again a colleague said “you do know that it is all luck to get to see the lights! You are there for Diwali so take a few diyas and light them just in case!” So there I went thinking nah am surely gonna miss the lights! The first night there cemented that thought. Cloudy amongst the fjords in a beautiful boat. No lights.

The next day went up to the mountain on a cable car. No lights for a long time on a cold night. Giving up not wanting to miss the bus we trudged along and there the sky lit up here and there with streaks among the clouds stopping us in our tracks. I was thrilled so was A! While someone in the group said she was disappointed that this was all there was. Guess my attitude of something is always better than nothing helps please oneself!

The next few days again we did get to see the lights. One of the nights was just fabulous by the lake. Dancing. Once in a lifetime experience indeed. Trying to track activity through apps, seeing that it is better in Canada and Russia while we were in the middle in Europe. Then the sudden bursts were thrilling.

A got to experience the cold weather, the snow, museum visits, treks and wonderful company. He learnt how all in a group may not always have the same thinking and how one needs to adjust/ignore and avoid conflict even at times. I definitely prefer cold weather!

We ended the vacation thinking it got over too soon ( well don’t we all do that!?). I was left thinking I must ensure that A& I take a break now and then (maybe not this exotic *read expensive :p * nevertheless a break!) Oh also I am yet to read the travelogue A has written!

Being in thought mode I guess the adage is true. Patience helps! The lights sure did test our patience. Hope shines through?? Boy that is too positive for me!!

Here’s to more such trips / adventures. Cheers!

Dose of laughter for the day!

People tend to see the best of you because you carefully choose which thoughts to express and which to keep quiet. But your calculated responses are not motivated by your desire for popularity today. You have an agenda and want to make things happen. Whatever you can do to get others to support you in your efforts helps your cause. However, you can take this tactic too far by focusing so intently on everyone else’s behavior now that you lose sight of your original goal. Zig Ziglar wrote, “The real opportunity for success lies within the person and not in the job.”

This is my horoscope for the day!! Had me LOLing, seriously laughing out loud !! The first few lines had me in splits. I could not even imagine me choosing thoughts carefully! Calculated responses?!? Me??? Those who know me, know I just shoot out the first thought that comes into my mind. No filters there! I have not learnt anything over the years either. Next point that was hilarious was the word “agenda”….me?!? really?? I am also truly oblivious to other’s behaviour. I could (can) never guess their “agenda”.  This wonderful quality of mine has put me in spots, changed my life even (for better or worse…still to be seen). Learning to just ignore completely, not react at all!

Now that is out of my system! 🙂 Been meaning to pen stuff down but that moment passes each day! Outrage on somethings, disgust, amusement, wonder…quite a gamut of emotions that I wanted to write on. “News” seemed to bring all that out – international & national.

What is happening closer to home? At home? Nothing at all. It is business as usual. Home, work, back home and back to work! Repeat. Fun, frustrating moments with A thrown in. Latest was his denial to get his hair cut! *Rolling eyes*. He was testing the boundaries. Mine apparently is the shortest!! Grandparents said nothing. Excited he comes and tells me “finally my teacher noticed my hair and said she could only see that and not my face!” Should I roll my eyes or realise that my son has started acting out his teens?!? I do have loads of fun pulling his leg ( too many occasions to recount!), watching movies with him. Frustrating parenting moments when he just does not study!! God only knows what he is going to do in his exams next week!

Talking of parenting, it makes me think it is a damned if you damned if you don’t situation. You draw lines, be strict it is a no no. You yield and give in it is a no no. Being balanced while playing the good & bad cop is a damn tough job!!! Kudos to all those who pull it off. I sure want to give up -way too many times.

I realise that I have gone into a shell not just on my blog here but in the world outside too. I am keep to myself. This is not as it says in my horoscope of the day saying I am guarded or calculative etc.  Have quite a few of the list of emotions that are going around ( 23 emotions you feel but can’t explain )

Current emotion: Enough about women’s day already!! I guess I am not so much of a designated day person. Equality is not about being treated special. It is not about quotas. It is about having the same playing field, proving oneself. It is definitely about recognition of the work; not because one is a woman but that the work speaks for itself!!

Why is there no middle ground in anything? Why is it always extremes? Intolerance to any view, and the attitude of it is my way and only my way!

Alright I have rambled on enough for today! My ruminations as random as they are go on – until the next time I decide to pen some of them down!! If someone has come over here, and has actually been patient to read through this ; please do leave a note so I could thank you and be awed by your patience 🙂

 

 

 

Open Roads

There is open road ahead and you are excited about where it may take you. Although this is unfamiliar territory, you’re anticipating the best. Your only complaint is how long it takes to travel into the future while the Moon is spotlighting your 11th House of Long-Term Goals. Unfortunately, there are no shortcuts and the only sensible strategy is to slow down and enjoy the colorful scenery along the way. Pay close attention because driving conditions can change without notice and you don’t want to be caught off guard

This is my horoscope for the day! I would say that it is the status quo for my life!! LOL!

Unfamiliar territory always- not so much anticipating the best (am quite the pessimist if  you didn’t already know!). Getting caught off guard is all that happens!

I don’t know if I must laugh or rue this!

So open roads…here I come! Make me anticipate the best! The best…do happen and quick!! Patience is not my virtue!! I want things done and given yesterday!!

Thank you!

My horoscope today reads

You are extremely appreciative of the people who love you and support your dreams, but sometimes you get so busy that you can take them for granted. However, your gratitude for their presence may be on your mind now that value-conscious Venus is traveling though socially aware Aquarius in your 5th House of Self-Expression. Stop what you are doing and use whatever technology is handy to thank someone special for being a part of your life. The healing energy of your words sends out ripples of kindness in unforeseen ways.

I am truly appreciative of people who do love and support me ( the number is not too high….) I definitely do not take any one of them for granted…ever!!

A huge thank you to each and everyone in the list! Ever grateful for being there for me (and A …).

That list of mine has A on it for his blind love and support for me!! I think he deserves the biggest shout out! I probably don’t say it too many times…I probably say in anger or jest that A should not be around. I love you and am so thankful for you kanna!!