If only!

As some of my friends say, my life since I finished college has been a constant drama. One after another making me wish enough is enough. Listening to advice to be strong while I know I have dealt with each in the best possible way I could, to look at my son & to live for him. Anything I said against this labelled me as being selfish, bad mother. I love my son but I will be lying if I said he is the be all & end all of my life. I breakdown more often than before – don’t know if I am tired. Nothing seems right.
All these years I always used to say be happy the age that you are. Enjoy it, each year as it is. Now I wish I were younger when it would be easier to restart life as it is ( with A). If that is not possible, I wish I were older much older so I would have gotten used to this & it would be agreeable, not much to look forward to then. I feel like I am now stuck in that age where am too old to renew my life, too young to give up. It feels easier to want to give up since I am not able to accept reality – which is I am being someone who is used, taken for a ride & left with a broken heart all because I trusted, loved with everything I got. Do I blame the one who did this to me or myself for having allowed this?! I think the latter.
I wish I were hard hearted & didn’t care at all but am still not there. I don’t want to be bitter but I can see myself getting there. No, I don’t have faith in God.
I just am lost, lonely & someone who cannot hate even when hurt a lot. I am not even able to dislike. I get angry – very angry. I yell/scream but I don’t mean to hurt or love any less. I hate losing people in my life but it seems like this has become a habit. People walking out of my life without a care knowing how much they mean to me! Makes me wonder if I would ever understand all this?!?
There are times I wish I didn’t have A… It is only out of frustration I say it. He is definitely the most important part of my life. So I wish people stop telling me that & making me resent him sometimes more the carrying of the responsibility alone than anything else.
If only life becomes bearable & soon. I am losing patience & fast!!!

Inclusion & Diversity….say what?!

Another office blog post being re-blogged. Written this morning September 20, 2013

Are we really living in an inclusive society? Are we open to being inclusive? How many of us really accept diversity?

India prides in “unity in diversity”. One who reads that would just say “yeah right!!” looking at the news in the media (or the way politicians behave…let’s leave that aside though). The United States prides on being the melting pot. One would definitely wonder about this after reading about the racist tweets on a brown skin winning Ms.America. These are just two of the examples. Is Apartheid really over? Are we all really that open?

I caught the local radio show this morning while driving (yes, but this is not another post on driving 🙂 ). There was this differently abled person who heads an organisation here in Chennai speaking about what she thinks is inclusion. Definitely food for thought. She said simply that they need to be part of the normal society – not be treated special, they too have the same emotions like any body else. Jokingly added not all “special” people are goody two shoes & there are those who just are not. She said people have to be sensitive not cautious or condescending.

Talking of inclusion, I do distinctly remember a conversation among a few friends. Two among us were expecting our first child. I was yet to find out the sex of the baby while the other knew she was having a boy. The guys were talking about living in the current society. We were in the USA then. Their statement “We don’t care who my son brings home – white, brown, yellow, black…whatever but he must bring home a girl!”. I was left quite flabbergasted. These were supposedly educated people. I asked them what if he did bring home a guy? Would you ostracise him? Will you love him any less as your son? They did not answer. May be they just were afraid to face my wrath & the debate that would ensue if they said what they were actually thinking.

I honestly don’t know how I can change our society – to make it more open, truly inclusive. I do promise to not be prejudiced. I guess in this way I must say we must be inclusive of people who are closed in their thoughts too – right?! 🙂

This is one random flow of thoughts on the topic- well that is sometimes (ok most of the times) that my brain works.

Anyways, the morning talk show was to promote the Ability Fest organised by the Ability Foundation.

Those in Chennai can catch this film festival which screens movies next week (September 23-26) from around the world that depict the differently-abled in a sensitive manner. It includes movies like the French Intouchables, Tamil Haridas (with audio description for blind people), Iranian movies and more….

The foundation hopes to help increase sensitivity and make people understand true inclusion through such festivals.  I have been blessed to have met some of the Ability Clan. (They have their visiting cards with one side in Braille – said it is very simple & not expensive either….there is inclusion for you!). They do have workshops to see how well your office/home is diabled friendly (was surprised on how even the display board colouring can make a huge difference to people who are partially blind.)

Hope we can join together and truly build an inclusive society (not just for the differently abled/ LGBT but truly be cross-cultural…. sounds too utopian?! )

Driving in the Rain

This is a post I wrote in my office blog on September 11, 2013. Reposting it here….Thinking there will be some reposts happening every time I write something there 😉

Having been up almost all night listening to the rains lashing, thunder roaring & watching the flashes of lightening; I was dreading that I was in for a really bad drive to work. As expected, the schools were declared closed. Less traffic on the road came to mind. Knowing Chennai, I expected the roads to be water-logged, people driving badly – honking & yelling!

Drove out of my street, so far so good…no hold-ups. Smooth flowing. Listening to the radio where traffic updates were being given, was thinking “Hey! good thing am not on those roads where people had been stuck for an hour or more…I am moving!”. At the back of my mind I kept telling myself, that I am saying it too soon. Usually clogged up roads were ahead.

FYI, I drive on one of the arterial roads which leads to a highway-bypass, about 30 kms one way to work. I pass through quite a few bottle-necks which test one’s patience & driving skills!!

As I kept going forward, I noticed the traffic was well-behaved. In fact I was thinking if something was wrong as I didn’t hear much honking!! Am I sleep-driving? Dreaming? People were signalling, giving each other way! In general, I noticed the drivers/riders were obeying rules!!! Of course there are always exceptions, but there were way too few of these today!

I reached work and took less than the usual hour I take. There are times (on clear sunny days which are the norm here) where I have been stuck & taken close to two hours! What was different today?! I expected it to be the worst case scenario. Roads being flooded and they were in most places. There are more potholes than roads. People were cautious. They were more patient?! I didn’t see as much road rage as there usually nor people cutting in, driving like they owned the roads.

This really got me ruminating. Same road, I believe same people (most were heading to work & they take the same road everyday?!? Logical?! 🙂 ), bad weather & road conditions. Yet, traffic flowed, the traffic cops (bless them! standing in the rain) managed fine at one of the busiest signals. I have decided it was my expecting the worst. So, even a slight improvement made me look at things in a positive light. Also, having expected the worst, I had decided not to lose my patience which I believe helped. I was also quite prepared -mentally & had checked the car (wipers/lights).

The preparation, other people co-operating (don’t think they knew they were 😉 ) and some wonderful weather with music in the background certainly made it a pleasant drive overcoming the waterlogged roads with potholes (some say potholes with roads in between).

Has left me wishing there were more such days!!

PS: I really do love the rains!

Time. Precious?

A is going for his summer coaching. He has chosen cricket. I know it is just spring time as per the calendar :). These coaching classes started yesterday and go on till mid-April. Starts at 5:30am IST.

Yesterday I saw parents bringing their kids in even a little after 6!!!! I thought maybe because it was the first day people were taking it easy. It continues today. I remember it was the case last year too.

This has got me thinking. I have been embarrassed many times when it has been pointed out that punctuality is not a part of the Indian psyche. I have even argued that it cannot be generalised. That said, in all honesty, we Indians are lackadaisical when it comes to keeping time. It is ok to make someone wait. I think I have written about how wedding receptions never start on time & people actually were surprised about my ignorance of this fact!! The invitation says 7PM means it will probably start at 8PM if we are lucky!!
It is weird that the same set of people cannot wait a few seconds at the traffic signal. People honk, start moving even before the light turns green. The don’t stop when the light turns red. All because if they stop, they will waste those precious minutes!!!! (Guess traffic etiquette is a whole different blog post).
So when and how will our kids learn the virtue of punctuality? Do I say the kids had not woken up to get here on time or do I say the parents didn’t enforce the same? I can understand if it is a stray one or 2 kids coming in late (something must have held things up! ) I find it is a whole bunch of kids!!!
Since parents are not allowed to watch the kids at the camp, I do not know if the teachers there reiterate the importance if being on time. I sure hope they do.
Having been brought up with this fact drilled into my head; I find it hard to accept the nonchalance in general. To my grand dad or mother, 5:30 is that on dot. Be early but never late. Respect the other person’s time. Make the effort. These are what had been told to me.
In the case of this camp, the kids have been enrolled because they want to ( or the parents want them to 🙂 ). Either way , shouldn’t the effort be taken to just show up on time?!?!
I am sure there still will be kids coming in late day after day till the end of the camp. Just wish they show some commitment in getting to the school on time!! Teach them young we are told!

Why oh why?!

I was going from one channel to another on the radio. Sick of ads saying – special for International Women’s day!! Do we really need one in this day and age? If so, why & where?
UN.org says this for why women’s day… Impatient optimists at Bill & Melinda Gates foundation say this on why still?
Yes, I understand there are many places where uplifting of women is needed. No arguments there at all.
Me personally, I don’t want a special day. I want to just be treated on par. I seriously do not want a women’s bank as proposed by the FM in the budget. My reaction was like for what joy?! I do not want special quotas anywhere. I must get something because I am worthy of that. I want to prove myself for the skills & knowledge I have. Not because I am a woman! If I apply for a ration card, and am posed a question “who is the head of the family?”; if I respond saying that I am….I want the guy there to accept it – not retort asking who my father is or husband is!!!! I am not an object of sex to be gaped at, but a fellow human being to be seen at with respect that I would proffer to the other.
Don’t get me wrong….on a lighter note, yes I want someone special to treat me as someone special 😉 not just on this day…but every day!!! 😉 Just waiting for that someone who will treat me as an equal and consider me special 😉
I find that people are making this a huge joke!! Special offers, discounts, contests, walks, special messages to the special women, remembering women who have excelled in their fields. Excuse me…if we are special on this day, we are special everyday!! Those women who are achievers need to be acknowledged all the time; not just on this particular day. Alright, let all this be done…how much of the proceeds made through these sales actually go to say save a girl child from being aborted/murdered?!
I know it might sound like blasphemy but I do not support celebrating womanhood on one particular day. Do we stop being women on other days?!
I want a society where it is no big deal for a woman to walk into a pharmacy, with men around or not…and ask for a sanitary napkin without being embarrassed. Why even ask for a condom (ok…I know considering the circumstances here in India that is a stretch for now! 🙂 ). Isn’t having periods a part of being a woman?! Why whisper?!?!
We have come far in terms of equality for women and oppression. Voting, Representation, leadership, education. I know we have a long way to go to be really equal (may be when it is not considered blasphemy when I say let the guy take on the girl’s name and vice versa…after all they are getting married to each other! 🙂 )
I wish people understand the significance of the day than make it so commercial that it actually loses its value.
Think I have ranted enough! 😀 Do let me know how many share my views. Am open to hearing opposing views too….

PS: I found that international men’s day is on November 19th! How many knew that?!?!

Conflicting…

How many of us have been told …hey look and learn from that person? How much has he/she scored in some test or look at how well she/he does things? Keeping up with the Joneses has been a concept everywhere. Some time or other, we certainly have been told to be better. Look at people who are better to strive to be that way. We have been tuned to want better stuff in life. Appraisal time at work, ratings amongst peer group – obviously we all want to be above peer group. Everywhere we have to do more than we did or someone else did.

Now where is the conflict?

I am talking only about how the situation is with me. I do wonder if it is the same with others out there. When I feel down & think of my life – am told hey look, there is this person who is struggling to just get a meal a day. There is that person desperate to have a child. Count your blessings. You have a job, a kid, a roof above your head, etc etc….

So, when at that time I snap and say why must I not want more. Why must I not want a proper family (as in a dad for my child)? A house I own? or a job where I learn, improve & earn? I am told I am insensitive.

My question is when do have to stop wanting to be better? When should one stop trying and disregard the try, try till you succeed saying?

Even all those proverbs are conflicting…one can use whatever depending on which side they want to speak on

Knowledge is power vs. Ignorance is bliss
Absence makes the heart grow fonder vs. Out of sight, out of mind
Nothing ventured, nothing gained vs. Better safe than sorry….

The list goes on.

Do I keep thinking that life will get better? Or do I just say, fine I am blessed to be alive & accept the way things are?

Guess the cliché “time will tell” is what I will be told. I guess it will be way too late & my life will be over when time does tell….I do think that my life is already over when I hear of how I must be just satisfied with what I am blessed with!! Wonder if I ever will be wise/mature enough to understand when I must want to strive to be better & when I must sit back/ relax?!

Who’s responsible?!

I am only responsible for what I say, not for what you understand

I read this somewhere, it struck a chord & I tweeted it immediately.

I am getting tired of explaining what I said. I find that most of the time, we will not change our perspective of what we heard. I am guilty of this too hence use “we”.

Do we complicate things unnecessarily? Think too much into anything said/ heard?!

I used to be one of those who took the wysiwyg in this case wyhiwyg (hear) attitude. Not delve too deep, this is because I say what I think. I don’t tuck in cryptic messages. So I am quite dense when it comes to understanding such messages. Guess am not the typical woman wherein when she says no it is a maybe?!? 🙂

Over time I realise others are not the same. I need to decipher the actual message!

Why not make things simple? Just say what you mean. Saves a lot of time & effort for everyone involved!! This will also save quite a few relationships!!!

Wondering now who is responsible?! The one who says something or one who understands something else?!?

Maybe it is just me….

Well, it has been so long since I even logged into WordPress!! Was taken aback by all the interface changes!! That is how long!!! 🙂

It was nice to see an award when I did log in!!! Been 5 years since I registered it seems!! Wow!! Just a few days back I thought time flies – A turned 8. I think it again today – Didn’t realise it has been 5 years since I registered here!!

Life has not changed much but it has too!! I start afresh yet again in a way tomorrow. Nervous about this yet tired of new beginnings. I just wish I had no more… I am at a weird place now. I want change but I don’t want it either. I feel lonely yet think am too set in my own ways that I can’t think of adapting to being with someone either….

A has been the one strength. I have poured out my anger & frustration to him yet he still manages to give me such a welcoming smile when he sees me. Never ceases to please me. Ever ready to give me a hug. As much as I have resented being the only one responsible for him, I love him to bits.

I truly wish my life was less complicated. Wish I could just enjoy the simple things in life. Days I want to see how A has grown up & what he will become. Days I just don’t want to wake up at all.

I have made some new friends yet, have started to think they are not going to be around either. It is not them…I think it is me! As a friend told me, I am not ready to trust anyone any more. Been left stranded way too many times.

Times I just don’t know what I want. One thing though…no more getting hurt & being used.If it means I don’t trust people or be called rude – so be it. I am tired of feeling lost, sad & many times breaking down into tears, feeling defeated. I may not laugh or smile but I do not want to feel crushed.

I do not think time heals! I don’t even think it makes me feel numb over time…may be it is just me!??!

My woes with a service provider

I write here after so many months only to rant! Sorry …but I have had it till here (wherever that is 🙂 ) with a certain network that says one needs every kind of friend. Seriously to deal with them, one does need every friend!!!

I must say I have been battling with a few issues for quite some time now…say almost since I stopped posting here. Currently have 2 issues running.

Let me start with the older one. I have my broadband service from this network. Till sometime now, I have been living in the city :Chennai. Suddenly the network decides that I live in Kanchipuram. According to them, my pin code(zip) falls into Kanchipuram. Been hitting my head against brick walls saying the city is Chennai, may be the district is Kanchipuram. I guess all this struggle started around September?! Anyways, long story cut short – I have been getting etiquette lessons about how I must speak even if I  am the frustrated paying customer who gets no resolution to the issue (though after every phone call, get a text message saying issue resolved!!!)

Point to note: One phone call I received enquiring about this from the network. The guy asks me to explain everything!! I asked if they every maintained any logs of calls!!! Frustration mounts if you have to explain each time about the issue & the history! I asked him sarcastically if Kanchipuram was Chennai. He goes I don’t know I am from Gurgaon. Told him don’t care if he were from Timbuctoo but I needed the correction done on my bill (which can be produced as proof of address for any official purpose). He does not even bother to cover up he tells his colleague in Hindi that I speak too much! I responded back in Hindi saying anyone would if they went through what I do to get my address right! He continues to his colleague “yeh madrasi hindi janti hai!”. Limits! And these people teach us phone etiquette!!!!

After calling, mailing, tweeting; I have given up. So according to my broadband provider the city on my address should read “Kanchipuram” –  a  town I probably have visited twice in my lifetime so far!!

My second issue. I got a gift of an iPhone4S (yay!!). Well not so fast to celebrate. To use it, I need a microSIM card. I call the relationship manager of the network that I deal with at work and ask him. He said he would get it to me that day… which went on for more than a week. I gave up, went to a private mobile store; got my old (one I used since 2008) SIM card laser cut. I call the network to make changes to start using 3G.

10 December: I get a call congratulating me on my phone. Tell me about plans for my usage. Then when I said the network drops, am told the issue is with the card and I would receive a brand new one by Tuesday that week. She would also call me on Wednesday to follow up and find out if it worked fine?!

14 December: Evening after waiting, not receiving card nor call, I call them. They say they tried to reach me and I was unreachable. They tried once. I had given them an alternate mobile number which also uses the same network!!

15/16 December: They call me once each day while I was entering a meeting or was in one. I tell them a time to call, I never get the call.

Fast-forward to 20th: Still no microSIM from the network. I call. They had closed the previous call and start a new one.

No calls from them… 21st I try cust care from my iPhone. I cannot reach them at all.I use my other mobile, tell them this…they assure me I will get a call back in 15 minutes around 4:20 PM.

22 December: 10:30AM no calls. I call using my other line, to be assured I will get a call back in a few minutes (I must have asked what their few minutes was specifically!) Around 4- 4:30Pm, lo behold I can call from my iPhone4S. I ask what happened. There are no records of calls made on 21st & 22nd!! The whole process of issue/history starts! I lost it. Told them I have lost hope that I would ever receive a microSIM from them, not now, not in this century or even next!

Supposedly I was told that my network drops because of faulty old SIM card but I cannot get it replaced. So, do I suffer with the faulty network stuck with “amazing” customer service (btw, I am told by the mechanical voice when I call customer service that I am welcome to their Platinum service!!!).

I am sure that they would have “resolved” the issue according to them. I am stuck with lousy network services which will be blamed on my SIM card making me wonder why I ever got a phone like this (which by the way is a pleasure to use!!)

In conversation with a friend, we were saying may be we must stop paying our bills and then may be they will call us!?!?! If we as prompt paying customers get this service, GOK what others are provided with?!?!

I must say one thing these people have made me do is get back to writing on the blog! Wish it were on a happier note and not such a rant!

Third consecutive post?!!…

Yeah this is the third consecutive post on technology!! Of course just my random thoughts on whatever!!

Listening to the radio while driving, one can’t avoid listening to the ads too. One goes with the voiceover of a child narrating to her dad that she did not have teachers for 3 periods in class. The dad is bewildered and the child replies they used a particular brand of computing services. Indications of how teachers were not required in classrooms and computing solutions are enough for the kids to learn!!!!! The kid asks whether they can get the same system at home to which the dad responds he would get it if the kid did well at school!

I am not suggesting that we go back to good old days wherein we used no technology. I understand most schools now use smart boards (A’s schools so far have!) but even the mere thought of doing away of teachers??!! I know it is an ad but it just hit a nerve! We are becoming so mechanical, technology dependent that sometimes I guess we forget about relationships, people. We start taking that for granted. Yes, I have got friends thanks to this medium but would I be friends with a bot?! No way! So why would I subject my kid to a no teacher classroom or why would anyone think of doing that?

I guess I have rambled enough. Point is, I think I like my no technology downtimes these days & appreciate what life has to offer! I am learning not to be glued to this machine, not thinking of doing away with it; but just trying to hit the balance! I hope that A does grow in a society where technology is embraced without giving up basic human interactions.