Thoughtfulness

A went on an excursion organised by his school. Left on a Thursday evening and back on Monday morning.

Thursday evening, he says “Amma they will give us chapati & potato for dinner…my friend is getting burger but I don’t want either. Can you make me some lemon rice?”  Told him yes if he got me lemons from the shop. He goes and gets tomatoes & potatoes. There was no lemons so he says make tomato rice with potatoes fry! Done as I was working from home and could make time for that (made him go check the tomato gravy cooking now and then! 🙂 ). All excited, he is packed. Checks & rechecks if he has taken everything. Thanks to Suks , he had a camera too!!

We get to the pick up place, wait for the bus that would take the kids to the station. All the children show the excitement comparing their bag sizes, sharing notes on what they are bringing. I was the only parent standing among the boys laughing away!! The other moms were huddled amongst themselves. Now and then A’s friend’s mom would come and join in to talk to me. I whispered into A’s ear asking if I have to go and huddle with the mom’s instead?! His answer just made my day.. “No amma you are the cool mom!” God knows how long this phase will last!! Off they all went.

I must say that was the longest weekend ever!!! Without kiddo around, it just didn’t feel ok. I did go out Saturday evening with friends from work but nope it just was not right!! He called in using his teachers phone and checked in now and then. Saturday he calls to say his best friend was down with high temperature and that the teacher said he was going to be brought back to Chennai. He sounded worried. I texted that boy’s mom to hear he was alright and would be returning with the kids on the train back. He was at his uncle’s place there. Next day when I told this to A, I could hear his sigh of relief! Each call he was all stories of where he went. I listened with a grin plastered on my face soaking in the happiness of the child. Rainy Monday morning he called me as the bus left the station. Timed my trip to his pick up point. As the bus came in, the parents went in to crowd the exit as the kids got down with their bags. I stood at a distance. Shame on me, I could not spot the tiny kid that A is among the bigger classmates of his! (yeah he is one of the tiny kids….). He came rolling his suitcase and that impish smile on his face and hugged me! With that came the query “Amma can we drop A & S at their home??” Those kids were right behind him smiling 🙂 . Of course we dropped those boys off and headed home.

He is talking a mile a minute!! I shake my head and then think damn this is what I was   missGifting all weekend.

He lands, starts unpacking. Amma this is for you, and this and this  (pic)…. then runs out and gives my mum a set of beautiful green bangles [“ammamma every other bangle was very jazzy and you wouldn’t wear those”], my dad a box of biscuits. Tells my dad there was nothing else I could get you.

He makes me wear the ring, admiring his own choice. Recounts his shopping experience on how he bargained. Oh he was so proud!! The mom in me was telling him ok now go have your shower and change for lunch!!

He could not stop talking about his trip! He has written a journal too! (bad mom: am yet to read it! 😦 ) He said on the way back on the train, he kept checking on his friend every hour for temperature spikes all night! He said he was warm around 11 but it came back to normal later. His friend didn’t know!

This post has been sitting in drafts since Tuesday morning! Life is back to normal now, yelling at him to get ready for school, the usual rigmarole! This trip has memories for him and a note for me on how thoughtful this child is. It was not taught – no I don’t think I ever did anything towards that. I hope he always remains this kind & thoughtful and not get jaded/bitter by life! – A proud parent 🙂

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Turmoil

25 Aug 2016. Penning it down as one really horrible day. Janmashtami. Wanted to & told A that I would make something if not all of the goodies that are made. I had been working day in day out. I asked if I could take the day off. Yes I had not planned for the day off & refused to “fall sick”. Answer: no problem as long as you finish these tasks ( cannot be done taking the day off). So down the drain Janmashtami plans go. Grand sweets & snacks come to the rescue and even that my father goes and purchases the previous day while I had got home at 8, logging right into work as I got into my room! 

I love working. Times when I feel & know that as days roll on to years, I would have nothing left in my life but work to occupy me. I want to prove to myself that I can having heard of how much a failure I would be at work from someone who i am trying hard to block out. 

That said, of course I also want to be a good mother. Well known fact that I have no one else. 

Last few weeks I have been putting in my all at my job. And today I was told twice in the same day I was doing nothing. One was supposed to be a casual remark, a joke. At the time I just responded saying yeah it was fun doing nothing and getting paid. Evening comes and the supervisor remarks the same way. Skipping lunch ( not helping my losing weight goals), not doing anything at home; slogging my arse off to hear this! Made my day indeed 😏

Come home. Kiddo is off to an overnight camp at school. All he did was get the consent on the form. He has made all arrangements to be dropped off ( his bag must be given & school bag collected after  school time) , picked up (on Saturday) by my father. I said Friday was alright but why didn’t you tell me to pick up on Saturday?! His answer – “you will be tired Amma. That is why!! You could rest up. ”

I hate myself. Giving it all in a place where I have to hear that I have done nothing. Giving nothing at all and hearing that!! 

What did I do!? Lost it with the kid and said he didn’t need me and I might as well be non-existent. I can’t even begin to say how much I have not done.  (Which I am cos I am doing nothing for him). 

Lying in bed this morning, looking at him sleeping, I wonder. What the hell am I doing??  What have I proved to myself?? I have gone nowhere at work & am getting it worse at home. Is anyone happy?? 

Missing out on things cos I have to work – events with A, meet ups with friends, dance recitals, weddings…. I have not even caught up with friends over a phone call! Yes I have been too caught up catching up with chores over the weekend to even spend time with A. ( when he will now, he already makes other plans without me now!! )

Not even making a dent with all effort at work. Being non-existent in even plans at home. I might as well really not exist!!

I have lost out everywhere. Had asked long back what is success & what is failure? Right now I know I have failed – in everything!! 

Nine years

Scrolling through the memories on Facebook … Saw posts of friends added over the years, down I went a picture of my nephews I added to the family album, the last entry in the list was “9 years ago today” the post I had put in at 6:09AM  ” in India :)” 

It hit me! It has been nine years when I bundled the toddler of a boy that A was then, with his infant speech, wide eyes, chubby squishy one he was…. Friendly moving in from the economy seating coolly to business class charming his way through!! We were blissfully ignorant of what lay ahead. Now he is 11. As he claims almost a teenager. Not that open & trusting. Just crossed a milestone. Had his upanayanam officiated by my parents. 


He loved it. Being the centre of attention, paid attention to what he was to chant taking in the pronunciations, meaning, significance. I certainly had pride welling inside of me – the boy he has become. No!! I didn’t feel I have done anything for that. It is all him. He is one strong willed, kind & caring boy!! He does have his flaws but hey who is perfect right?? 

Nine years since we were ousted from what we thought of as home. ( at least I did… Thinking A thought where Amma was , was his world then)  Still trying to find a footing, a place to call home. We have come a long way. Loads of people to thank who have helped us along the way. Hurdles crossed, small wins…. Still a long way to go. 

I have no clue what is next- work, personal life,kid….I am not going to say the worst is over, and good times are ahead. I would rather think there is worse to come, but believe that we , both A & I , have the strength to face and overcome that, take pleasure in the little joys, be thankful for small mercies. Even if there is a miraculous change, here is to hoping that we don’t forget the tough times we have been through. I hope I can help A not lose his childhood ( though a part of me knows he is tough because of what he has gone through. Scratch that tense & make it present.). 

Toast to the unknown future. ( even the next few hours in the day 🙂 )

Selfless or …?

First post of the year 2016!

A question to all the parents (especially mothers out there…) Have you at some point of time even for a minute thought…sigh wish I didn’t have that child of mine? Confession: I have…many times over!

I have wondered how life would be without A. I have wondered if he would be better off without me in his life. I wonder how life would be once he goes off to pursue his own in a few years. Wondering how it would be if he were living in a home which is perceived as normal by society…so on… All this sometimes just during reflection and most times during despair/exasperation (sometimes forced upon …).

So, does just thinking such things make one a bad mother? Does voicing this out to a friend amount to him being a burden on me? Suddenly, all the efforts I put into him being happy/healthy (the best I can at least given my circumstances) fizzles out! “Why don’t you send him back to his dad if you think he is so much of a burden?!” . Wow!! Really?

I stumbled on this post on the Onion :  Jessica Drexler mentions her kid is the second-most important thing in her life. Intrigued I read further and she ends saying “It’s mostly about you”.

That sort of thought would not be welcome here…. Mothers should be selfless, sacrificing! What is this talk about “me”?!?  It should always be kid first (or so I am given to understand….else the kid is a burden!)

Lesson learnt! Either put kids first or just don’t voice any idea otherwise 😀

This is a world of only façades….you must not display anything out of the norm. Everyone is and should be the ideal perceived person 🙂

In the wake of this revelation: I hereby declare….I am nothing without A. He is and always be my life, my breath and my all. I am a nobody and he is my be all & end all 🙂 There is nothing called self-love once you have a kid!

Happy Deepavali!

A Festival of Lights – well more of noise & smoke and diets going for a toss!

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A enjoyed his Deepavali. I tried to get him to say no to crackers & failed miserably – it was mixed emotions felt wonderful to see the joy on his face and horrible at not being able to convince the kid to be pollution free.
I felt sorry for my neighbour’s dog who was going ballistic.
For my part, I cooked yummy snacks. Our forefathers were good at planning. Make all this…while it rains outside, eat with tea/ coffee. Maybe they could have foreseen a bit more and went lax on the crackers?!
At least it is good to keep the mosquitoes & other insects away ( may be that was their thinking and we in our generation go overboard?! )

time lapse video of A and a flowerpot
Also puts us into perspective that all things come with pluses & minuses. It is definitely a festival that brings all together!

Those who like fireworks , those who don’t. Those who love food, those who don’t. Those who watch all those special programmes on TV channels ( read new movies), those who don’t – well you get the picture 🙂
Happy Deepavali all!!
PS: update on day 43 of 100 happy days (next post may be on that?? 🙂 )

If only!

As some of my friends say, my life since I finished college has been a constant drama. One after another making me wish enough is enough. Listening to advice to be strong while I know I have dealt with each in the best possible way I could, to look at my son & to live for him. Anything I said against this labelled me as being selfish, bad mother. I love my son but I will be lying if I said he is the be all & end all of my life. I breakdown more often than before – don’t know if I am tired. Nothing seems right.
All these years I always used to say be happy the age that you are. Enjoy it, each year as it is. Now I wish I were younger when it would be easier to restart life as it is ( with A). If that is not possible, I wish I were older much older so I would have gotten used to this & it would be agreeable, not much to look forward to then. I feel like I am now stuck in that age where am too old to renew my life, too young to give up. It feels easier to want to give up since I am not able to accept reality – which is I am being someone who is used, taken for a ride & left with a broken heart all because I trusted, loved with everything I got. Do I blame the one who did this to me or myself for having allowed this?! I think the latter.
I wish I were hard hearted & didn’t care at all but am still not there. I don’t want to be bitter but I can see myself getting there. No, I don’t have faith in God.
I just am lost, lonely & someone who cannot hate even when hurt a lot. I am not even able to dislike. I get angry – very angry. I yell/scream but I don’t mean to hurt or love any less. I hate losing people in my life but it seems like this has become a habit. People walking out of my life without a care knowing how much they mean to me! Makes me wonder if I would ever understand all this?!?
There are times I wish I didn’t have A… It is only out of frustration I say it. He is definitely the most important part of my life. So I wish people stop telling me that & making me resent him sometimes more the carrying of the responsibility alone than anything else.
If only life becomes bearable & soon. I am losing patience & fast!!!