This is a word that has been resonating in my head off late a lot. “Loser”.

I never thought too wonderfully about myself ever. My mother was one of those parents who had the philosophy that it would be bad luck to appreciate one’s kid if she did well. When I think about it, till date, she never has said I have done well in anything. No. I don’t blame her nor would say I would spend time talking of how bad she was as a mother when I grew up. On the contrary, she has never stopped me from doing anything. I am what I am, good or bad, majorly due to how she brought me up. She didn’t coddle me. She always asked me to be bold, face life. Yes, she also was afraid of what society would say and caution me….a lot!

No! this post is not about my mother. It is about me. I have not posted anything in a long time now. I have wanted to. I used to open up the blog, even start drafting and then cancel. I stopped myself thinking who am I kidding? Why am I even posting this? Who even reads all this? or give a rat’s ass on what I post/think? Well…same thoughts going on right now too!

So, what has been happening? A lot on the one hand and it also feels like nothing at all. I enrolled into a fitness camp thinking if I move, I will become fit. Guess at some level, I was getting better. It just was not a visible betterment. So, now I decided to give up. I have written before on how people comment. It has always been the case of damned if I do. Damned if I don’t. So, when I didn’t work out, it was always hey start running, walking. When I signed up, it was whoa! that place is expensive. I had to say it feels like I am investing in my health and it is worth it. No visible changes, it was why do you even bother? Now I am quitting, why quit? I am tired!

I have been told I must not care about anyone who comments. It is easier when you have people in your life and you can value only comments from those select few. When you live like I do, being a people-pleaser, it hurts. Feels like I can never live up to anything.

I am a loser. Just not losing what I want to lose…weight. Lost a lot of everything else. Something else I have lost is, trust in people. A few people make me take that step back in terms of trust. I lost faith that I would ever get the money I lent back. Come to me with a story of how badly you need money, that you would return it. I trust and lend it thinking the person will realise it is hard earned and slated to be spent on A. Lo behold, I am that loser friend who can be taken for a ride! Not just money, any other help, call…Apar will do it. Then we can take her for a ride and smear her too. Story of my life! Don’t get me wrong! I love helping friends out, I just don’t like it when I get trampled all over and feeling used.

I am growing older and definitely not wiser. I feel like I was a better person when I was younger. Definitely less cynical. Work, health – nothing to write about. No progress, and at times makes me wonder if I am worse of now. I probably am.

I stopped reaching out to people. I respond if someone pings me and at times, I don’t do that too as I don’t want to be that person who answers am fine and lies to the question how are you. The new found cynic in me is pushing people away while the other part of me craves for company. A person from my past whose words & opinions still have a sway on me, will say I am suffering from bipolar disorder.

If you have been reading and come this far, you deserve an award. This is probably one of my top ranking depression filled rants. I have done this earlier. I know I will do it again.

Thanks to those few who I still trust and are still enduring me, my depression and pushing me to live through it all. I am indebted to you as it gives me a sliver of hope.

I don’t know when I will post again or even if I will post again. Doing it now, and that is it. Again, if you have come this far, please do leave a hello and let me know you were here! It means a lot to me a lot more than you would realise.


‘Tis the Season!

As Google Doodle today says….‘Tis the season! The time when one reflects on the year past and the year/life ahead.

Looking back at the year I have had – less drama from years before? May be not! I had enough of that at work. It is little solace to know that it is not over! So earlier this year, I embarked onto a project with shifts (shifting shifts at that!) Apart from the politics, impact on health & time was huge. So, moved on then got into another project that I was looking forward to working on. Alas it was not to be! Back to bench. Again some ensuing drama, tiff with management, I did get picked for a short term project that did not kick off at all. Back to bench (which has become a phenomenon in my life this year…BTW, I am benched now again). I attended scores of training sessions.

Through this time, met a motley crew of people few of whom have gone on to become good friends. Of course there are a few I wish I had never crossed paths with. Have had my dose of humour in interacting with some too!! In effect, at the work front, I have not gone anywhere and have this weird feeling that if at all, it is that I have fallen back! Sigh!

Home – pretty much goes with same old same old. Nature forced us to be together with nothing else to do early this month. It also saw me find people rise above just to help! All one had to do was ask, and response was immediate from various fronts. It makes one believe in humanity and goodwill! It also made me see people whose reactions amazed me! Well there are many different views and people!

I did manage to catch up on some reading. Feels good to just read. Long list of books on the to read list! Lifetime not enough!! I completed the 100HappyDays challenge (mentioned it in a post earlier). Been posting pictures on Instagram.

The year has seen me battle with health issues that started while working those shifts. It does scare me about how it is going to be with getting


older! Depression showed up quite a few times. It can never be my long lost/forgotten friend I suppose! 🙂

Yes, am also the same fat self! No
change there as well!! 🙂 Really liking the minion quotes…and this one 😉  or something that goes about not being able to fit all the personality in a tiny body!! I kid myself! I need chocolate, coffee, cake and may be more! :p

A is growing up (he was asking when he will be a teenager!! 😀 ). I wonder how he will turn out despite all that we are going through & I am putting him through. I sure do hope that cliché about what does not kill you makes you stronger is true!!  He has had his share of disappointments this year – one really huge one. I was amazed at how he handled that!! Amazed especially when I was seething with anger and more so by some inane reactions – a whole other post can be written on those!! Yes…he is growing!! (and I am not! )

A few friends of mine at work have moved or are moving to other cities. I think if someone wants to move from Chennai, they just need to become good friends with me. Am a lucky charm for it! 🙂 I am super happy for them as that is what they want though it also is difficult to know they are moving (selfish much!?). Caught up with some others and renewed friendships. Thanks to social media & smart phones we still endeavour to stay in touch.

As is the case of gaining, it also brings with it losing those you think are friends. Well this year not so much. Knock on wood. Though it did bring in a time when I saw the true self of some people. The not so endearing true self. As a person who does not write off anyone easily, they just moved to becoming people I know and interact with. Also wondering where some friends have disappeared and hope to hear from them. If you are reading this, please ping and let me know all is well! 🙂

What are the words that resonate for me this year? Humanity, Blessing and well stagnation, doubt (hey if you have been reading my blog you must know that it will not be all positive!! 🙂 )

What am I looking forward to next year? Nothing! I maintain that I am better equipped when I expect nothing and even the little that may come my way pleases me. No dreams, no expectations …absolutely nothing! Do I have new year resolutions?! Nope!

Lesson learnt: Life goes on… (well not a lesson more a fact. It just keeps getting reiterated).

Happy Holidays to all!! 

How easy?!

Today,  I was egging a friend of mine to go on a diet & exercise regime!! Me!! A few days back, I was doing the egging to a friend preparing for an exam to study and keep with the schedule.

Realised just how easy it is to get another person going…just hard to get oneself doing just about the same things!! Atleast for me! I have just about given up a healthy schedule in life…given up on walking just half hour a day (so doable, but just not doing it!)

Been a few days since I signed up with scalejunkie. Hope that would keep pushed to get back on track. Have a long way to go where I want to be in life – physically, mentally and emotionally. When I think about that, the physical bit atleast seems doable, as it lies entirely in my hands. I need to stick with my diet and exercise plan and more importantly, I should give up on the “I want everything yesterday” attitude.

Just a side note – was watching TV the other day (nothing new in that right 😉 ) an interview of Bipasha Basu during fashion week who said that it took years for her to be toned…if it took years for her…then for a person like me!!??? Well, I might as well put in a lot of effort!! 😉

Hope I get to where I want to be and have to be. Been lying low for way too long a time…in every aspect. I want to do this for my son and me!

Never trust a skinny chef :)

Have written earlier about my bouts with reducing weight…. Was chatting with a friend pouring all my woes about the same. We changed topics and started talking about cooking and how we have come to love it off -late. As we were signing off, parting comment from that friend was…you know the saying “never trust a skinny chef” – May be we have trouble reducing weight cos we cook well 🙂 We had a nice laugh over that…lightened the mood a bit.
Nothing against skinny people….may be this saying came about for people like me 😀 and I love it 🙂

Fat or Fit?

Was watching We, The People on NDTV. The topic of discussion – Are Indians obsessed with weight?
Interesting programme and really interesting views… I have written about my views on weight!
This though rekindled those thoughts. How one lady says she lost 25 kgs and was not any happier…though she would like to lose weight too – an equivocal attitude. Something that I struggle with myself so many times (I am kinda comfortable with how I look…though have been called fat by people which would make me feel bad and get back into the slump of feeling fat and remembering every person’s comments on how fat I am or what I must do about it etc..,)
I feel it is not just India obsessed with weight…it is everywhere.
I liked one member of the audience- a doctor’s remark saying Indian women have always been depicted as being voluptuous and suddenly they want to be stick thin! And Pooja Bhat’s remark saying she does not want “starvation chic”
Overall, it was said that people should think more about being fit not fat /thin. This just reminded me of one “friend’s” remark…. when I told that person that all my numbers (BP, cholesterol, sugar ) were ok and that my doctor said I was ok… her remark was your doc is being too kind and you should change him!!! What can you say to such people?!? And when you are low, these remarks hit you hard and push you even more to the wrong side!!


Well, why does it hurt so much when someone else tells you that you are fat…though you know that you probably can be termed that?!? You probably call yourself fat/ overweight and the likes. Is it because it reiterates those facts? When is it ok for someone to tell you that you are fat? To me, it is when the person is genuinely interested in you and your well-being. Otherwise, they better not comment (even to accept when you say you are fat 🙂 ) cos it is none of their worry.
On the same lines, how does one react to remarks like this on one’s appearance -be it your weight, your looks, clothes…whatever!?!? Obviously everyone likes appreciation…but when it comes to the negative remark..how does one deal with that? If the person is close enough to you and you trust them, I suppose then I would take their comment into consideration. But just a “friend” saying something , though I know it should not matter, it hurts. How does one deal with that?? How does one react to such people?
As I have said earlier I don’t think I have the knack to deal with people 🙂

Why do I do this to myself?

I try workout atleast 4 times a week. I generally avoid Wednesday at my gym. This week, decided I should not do so and went in. 50 minutes of kicking, punching, squatting, lunging, resistance training!! Next day my butt was sore! It hurt so much. A sane person might have rested….but telling myself that determination and perseverance helps, I went for working out. Another 50 minutes of gruelling work out. Icing to the cake, had to do some grocery after the work out (I know ! yuck!!still…) I park the car in the driveway and could not get out. With great difficult lugged my shopping and myself to the door. I just wanted to sit in my doorway not wanting to climb the steps to get into my home!! Today my hamstring muscles, I think, are on a strike. They don’t want me do anything! Thank God! Today is a rest day – no workout!
Now why do I do this to myself? I found out I was not alone in enduring this pain…all those who came to the work out (including the instructor) were sore! LOL! That set me thinking why any of us do this?
I started this because I wanted to lose weight. Get to the weight I was when I got married ( a Herculean task I might add) My family has been supportive and they do tell me that I should do it for myself and not to fit into those jeans! “Friends” remarking that I could lose a few pounds or that I look “chubby” would send me into those spiralling depression moments(?!?). Decided I must do something about it and embarked on this.
The work out has been great though. I should thank people who unknowingly have pushed me into this. It is a stress reliever !! 🙂 Hope it helps finally in my pursuit.
Then again to the question…is it worth the pain? Is it worth pushing oneself? Why am I really doing this? For me? To look like those models who wear skinny jeans and look fabulous? For people around me??
I know the answer should be for me to be healthy, look and feel good. ..but who am I kidding? Again it boils down to being accepted and appreciated by those around us right? Am I alone in this thought?