Sometimes baffled

This is my horoscope of the day…

Left baffled completely. This is wonderful advice to me at the present situation at work. Advice I must follow not just today but in the days to come for sure!! 

Though I must say anything I say becomes contentious however I say it!! ๐Ÿ˜‚

Also leaves me wondering how can you premeditate rants?? ๐Ÿค”๐Ÿ˜• Please block your calendar from this time to this on this date for a rant?? I wonder how many would accept that calendar invite!! Hmmm ( I would cos that is how I am if ever I received one such invite! – as they say in India #IAmLikeThatWonly). 

Horoscope predictions do baffle me sometimes ๐Ÿ˜Š

Well, some people and some things do throw revelations that need to be treasured! 

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Solitude

It is almost midnight. It was only the hum of the old AC unit in the room & my thoughts making noise. 

Mind wandering through what has been a tough week. Mentally, physically, emotionally. Advised to not take emotional decisions, and per chance I didn’t. Spoke to a good friend with a sound mind and laid out a plan. Tangible one as far as plans go. Though knowing my wonderful luck so far, one never knows.  

Started thinking what has brought a smile this week? Definitely time with A when I was not screaming at him venting my frustration on the poor kid. The interactions with a few friends – old & new. Cooking some nice food over the long weekend. Amused by the garden rat’s taste for the petrol feed tube to my bike. I guess it must be Jerry as I do know that there are quite a few cats around the house yet these rats/ mice seem to have a gala time with wires in the car and the petrol tube. What else? Oh yes! Seeing pics of friends & their family.  

Something I would not forget is pulling my little nephew’s leg on the phone wishing him for his birthday. Spoke in my mother tongue & he thought it was my mum talking to him!! Weird though cos I know my mum talks to him in English only!! This little baby does not wants to be one. He wants to catch up with his older brother and A ( who are partners in crime btw). I was telling him to stay a baby for a while longer. Enjoy the time & no he doesn’t. ๐Ÿ˜Š I am glad these kids get along well. I hope the gentle bullying by the big kids on the little one reduces as time goes by. 

Things going on in my mind In my time of solitude. Too many. Mind is on overdrive. 

I was just thinking won’t it be wonderful if it would rain to break my thoughts & the AC hum. Lo behold, I hear rain and thunder with lightning that flashes through the drapes on the windows in the room. It does feel nice when a wish comes true even something as trivial as this! 

What do I wish for now?! List is too long!! ๐Ÿ˜€

Though after the short work week I had that felt like it would never end, I would wish I started loving Monday’s again like I used to; when I loved going to work. Let’s start there!! 

Signing off now to listen to the rain, read a book for a while till I have to sleep! The sound of the rain is quite pleasant & soothing. 

Here is to a good weekend to all! 

Turmoil

25 Aug 2016. Penning it down as one really horrible day. Janmashtami. Wanted to & told A that I would make something if not all of the goodies that are made. I had been working day in day out. I asked if I could take the day off. Yes I had not planned for the day off & refused to “fall sick”. Answer: no problem as long as you finish these tasks ( cannot be done taking the day off). So down the drain Janmashtami plans go. Grand sweets & snacks come to the rescue and even that my father goes and purchases the previous day while I had got home at 8, logging right into work as I got into my room! 

I love working. Times when I feel & know that as days roll on to years, I would have nothing left in my life but work to occupy me. I want to prove to myself that I can having heard of how much a failure I would be at work from someone who i am trying hard to block out. 

That said, of course I also want to be a good mother. Well known fact that I have no one else. 

Last few weeks I have been putting in my all at my job. And today I was told twice in the same day I was doing nothing. One was supposed to be a casual remark, a joke. At the time I just responded saying yeah it was fun doing nothing and getting paid. Evening comes and the supervisor remarks the same way. Skipping lunch ( not helping my losing weight goals), not doing anything at home; slogging my arse off to hear this! Made my day indeed ๐Ÿ˜

Come home. Kiddo is off to an overnight camp at school. All he did was get the consent on the form. He has made all arrangements to be dropped off ( his bag must be given & school bag collected after  school time) , picked up (on Saturday) by my father. I said Friday was alright but why didn’t you tell me to pick up on Saturday?! His answer – “you will be tired Amma. That is why!! You could rest up. ”

I hate myself. Giving it all in a place where I have to hear that I have done nothing. Giving nothing at all and hearing that!! 

What did I do!? Lost it with the kid and said he didn’t need me and I might as well be non-existent. I can’t even begin to say how much I have not done.  (Which I am cos I am doing nothing for him). 

Lying in bed this morning, looking at him sleeping, I wonder. What the hell am I doing??  What have I proved to myself?? I have gone nowhere at work & am getting it worse at home. Is anyone happy?? 

Missing out on things cos I have to work – events with A, meet ups with friends, dance recitals, weddings…. I have not even caught up with friends over a phone call! Yes I have been too caught up catching up with chores over the weekend to even spend time with A. ( when he will now, he already makes other plans without me now!! )

Not even making a dent with all effort at work. Being non-existent in even plans at home. I might as well really not exist!!

I have lost out everywhere. Had asked long back what is success & what is failure? Right now I know I have failed – in everything!! 

Thoughts on Independence Dayย 

Everyone wishing each other a ” happy Independence Day”. As a friend pointed out, irony is us wishing each other in a language left by those from whom we got our independence. At least one channel showing Gandhi. “Patriotic” few pinning flags on their clothes, raising the flag in housing communities, some listening to the PM’s speech ( eloquent orator he is… Some complaining he is doing it in Hindi! ). A few looking at Independence Day sales. That is the day here. 

We here are a hypocritic nation. We take pride in knowing English and getting business. The same hate it and ridicule those who speak English ( call them Peter & Philomina… May be it is a Tamil thing… Still ), hate it when people say learn a different regional language other than your native tongue.  A nation that loves love stories like the one on titanic of glorify love without boundaries but have moral policing! A nation that bows to the divine female say that even God is Ardhanarishwara but treat women like doormat. A country where sports is just a free period that is taken over if other important subjects need to be completed! Yet the few who fight the odds and go represent their country in events are expected to perform miracles, rake in medals!! Let me not even get started with this division based on caste, religion. I am in a country where laws are there to be broken and one can get away with it if you have the clout. I live in a country where you follow the law get in say an accident when not at fault, you speak out and be chided ” hey how can you speak out being a woman?!” Yeah the country where the woman is glorified as “maa” ” Shakti” and what not!!  You have to mention your father’s or husband’s name on every official form!! Why?? 

The permission slip at the kid’s health room has “father’s/guardian’s signature”. I refused to sign saying am the mother or to be generic a parent. I get the nonchalant answer, strike out and write mother or parent as you please & sign. 

May be I have become cynical. May be I am just speaking my mind which others think but not say. Stuck in a country quite backward but thinks it is quite there in being developed. If this is the case in a metro don’t know how it is in other truly backward areas.  Living in a country that suddenly becomes patriotic two days in a year. 

Oh I have to relate this incident here. On the way back home in the local train… A couple of college gals. One asks you coming to college on Monday? The other says no I have to go to church. The former says on a Monday?? She says yeah I go on republic day! Seriously!!! ???? Patriotism rocks!! ๐Ÿ˜

Am sure there has been enough of a rant about how people are so ready to enrage about things happening around the world (not all) but forget or ignore what is happening in their back yard or even in their own homes. 

Yes, I have heard that everywhere there are problems. I just wish we did not turn a blind eye to what happens here or create a furore when something is portrayed on media while things like that happen almost every other day! Forget it when the media does, then if it is a slow media day it gets highlighted as say some anniversary of the event. 

Gandhiji said when a woman can walk alone at night with no fear we have got Ram Rajya. No thank you! I don’t want Ram Rajya where the King ousts his wife just cos someone doubted her!! 

Rant over?? For now!! 

Edit: came to a movie and saw this caption ” Be proud to be an Indian not just on Independence Day ” ๐Ÿ™‚

Nine years

Scrolling through the memories on Facebook … Saw posts of friends added over the years, down I went a picture of my nephews I added to the family album, the last entry in the list was “9 years ago today” the post I had put in at 6:09AM  ” in India :)” 

It hit me! It has been nine years when I bundled the toddler of a boy that A was then, with his infant speech, wide eyes, chubby squishy one he was…. Friendly moving in from the economy seating coolly to business class charming his way through!! We were blissfully ignorant of what lay ahead. Now he is 11. As he claims almost a teenager. Not that open & trusting. Just crossed a milestone. Had his upanayanam officiated by my parents. 


He loved it. Being the centre of attention, paid attention to what he was to chant taking in the pronunciations, meaning, significance. I certainly had pride welling inside of me – the boy he has become. No!! I didn’t feel I have done anything for that. It is all him. He is one strong willed, kind & caring boy!! He does have his flaws but hey who is perfect right?? 

Nine years since we were ousted from what we thought of as home. ( at least I did… Thinking A thought where Amma was , was his world then)  Still trying to find a footing, a place to call home. We have come a long way. Loads of people to thank who have helped us along the way. Hurdles crossed, small wins…. Still a long way to go. 

I have no clue what is next- work, personal life,kid….I am not going to say the worst is over, and good times are ahead. I would rather think there is worse to come, but believe that we , both A & I , have the strength to face and overcome that, take pleasure in the little joys, be thankful for small mercies. Even if there is a miraculous change, here is to hoping that we don’t forget the tough times we have been through. I hope I can help A not lose his childhood ( though a part of me knows he is tough because of what he has gone through. Scratch that tense & make it present.). 

Toast to the unknown future. ( even the next few hours in the day ๐Ÿ™‚ )

Notification?

My phone beeps….Wordpress notification
boom

Intriguing!!! Really?? Why?? How?? I have not posted anything. I have been really bad at being a blogger! So, what do I do….go check the stats page of my blog! Let me share screenshots (found the slideshow feature! ๐Ÿ™‚ )

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There is more on that page….still this is enough to get my thoughts meandering. Why Feb 2009?? Triggers just go off left right center. Time when I had to come to terms that my marriage was indeed over, heights of blogging – tags, memes….made many blog friends…..some who have become those I hold close.

It has not been a good last month. One more young death added to an already longย list since the year started. This has affected me as it is a close friend’s brother. Not even 30!! I had not met him but knew him through his posts on Facebook, reactions to my friend’s & his wife’s posts. He came across as a really nice person, honest, funny, genuine. Reiterates the fact that there is no God!! He/ She is cruel. Taking away a person who is loved, has his whole life ahead of him!! I am very bad at condolences but not a day passes by without me thinking of my friend and his family! Hope they find the strength to deal with this injustice. How could this happen?? When the world should have more such people, why take such people away?!?

Thinking of that, anything else I undergo seems so trivial. Yet, while going through them, it feels humungous! Yo-yoing between feeling guilty and horrid!

It has been a stressful time. So called relatives bailing out, work as usual throwing weirdosย [I tell myself now that I am a magnet to such people while there are those who cruise through with wonderful co-workers!], elections, seeing how disabled unfriendly Madras is… Wondering why bother with all this?

Hearing about death makes a person like me go in all directions. One part saying “hey! you never know when, so live life to the fullest”. Another goes “no one needs me, not a person will bother if I am gone”.ย  And everything between the two extremes! The middle is when I just end up going through the motions of the day, trying not to think at all, mechanical, just exist!

No one knows what tomorrow holds. Wish people understand this and just be nice & considerate. A kind word does not hurt. Instead of just posting on social media about being nice to each other, do it in real life!

And those who helped spike my stats! Please do more of it ๐Ÿ™‚ ๐Ÿ˜‰

Enough rambling for a notification!! :p

Already April

Well, it is already almost May actually!!! More than half of April is over & done with! What has happened so far? Answer seems to be nothing and a lot at the same time!

The roller coaster at work is still on full fledged. From bench to new project/role. Distinctly left with the feeling of “why am I working?”. Kiddo’s trials at school pushes me to wonder that more. Guilt envelops. Am I even achieving anything at all? Yeah, need money to exist!

I feel a distinct sense of disconnect from everything and everyone. For a person who makes an effort to stay in touch, I don’t want to anymore. I even told a close friend that I would respond if I am contacted. I would not reach out on my own.Probably why I didn’t bother to come post anything here either. I have no clue why I am posting one now!

Yes, A is the one person who I do feel grounds me, ropes me back in. Does every parent feel lost when the kid feels low? I have been reading articles on how we spoil children. Am super guilty of that though I do draw lines when it comes to behavior. (I do….really!! :D). Distinct feeling of failing as a parent too abounds me. Too often.

Is there anything coherent that I want to pen down? Not really…it is as random as my blog name is! Do I feel anyone even remotely understands? Well, some do but mostly I am definitely pushed to wanting to scream “leave me alone!”. I have changed. From being scared of being alone; I am edging towards wanting to be alone. I tell myself a few more years and there will be no one to rope me back….no one who would need me. Waiting for that time. May be will finally make the semi-colon a period?!ย Live/ Exist till then and just feel good when I see A happy. C’est tout.