Reminder!

It has been 14 years since I was handed this bundle of joy ! A second year teen now!! He had never been trouble. Not the whiny bawling baby. He was a friendly kid. He showed signs of empathy even as a wee baby! Many occasions to prove just that.

As years went by there were times friends used to kid saying wonder who the parent is!! I wonder where I got this mature understanding young man! He loves hugs! He takes care of me!! When I am unwell he is there making sure I have my medicine, giving me hot packs, bringing my food. Yeah I wonder who the parent is too!!

So why is this post titled “Reminder”?? Well just the other day I was in my room working as usual and A was right in the living room watching a movie. Happens to be the old “Baby’s day out”. I had to scream out asking him to keep the volume down. Then I noticed through the closed door. Laughter. It was a child’s laugh. The joy of innocence! He was laughing out loud & that reminded me that he is still a child. He acts very mature but he is a child. One who loves being cuddled, pampered, loved. As much as I wish he always retains this in him, I know that it will be his maturity that will be cancerous.

This birthday of A’s I wish for him to always retain this child in him which can let him laugh , let him trust a little more, let him love with all his heart. I wish all the pain he has endured and hurt he may have to face( yeah I know he will) doesn’t affect him too much. I hope he realises he always has a few of us right there for him come what may! In his corner pushing him & wishing the best for him!

I will not say don’t grow too soon! I will say never let go of that child in you! I may not say it so often or so loud – I do love you

PS: I keep kidding with him saying “hey A! I don’t like you”. He has his watch engraved with a little correction. It says “I don’t like you I love you ~ Amma”

Thoughtfulness

A went on an excursion organised by his school. Left on a Thursday evening and back on Monday morning.

Thursday evening, he says “Amma they will give us chapati & potato for dinner…my friend is getting burger but I don’t want either. Can you make me some lemon rice?”  Told him yes if he got me lemons from the shop. He goes and gets tomatoes & potatoes. There was no lemons so he says make tomato rice with potatoes fry! Done as I was working from home and could make time for that (made him go check the tomato gravy cooking now and then! 🙂 ). All excited, he is packed. Checks & rechecks if he has taken everything. Thanks to Suks , he had a camera too!!

We get to the pick up place, wait for the bus that would take the kids to the station. All the children show the excitement comparing their bag sizes, sharing notes on what they are bringing. I was the only parent standing among the boys laughing away!! The other moms were huddled amongst themselves. Now and then A’s friend’s mom would come and join in to talk to me. I whispered into A’s ear asking if I have to go and huddle with the mom’s instead?! His answer just made my day.. “No amma you are the cool mom!” God knows how long this phase will last!! Off they all went.

I must say that was the longest weekend ever!!! Without kiddo around, it just didn’t feel ok. I did go out Saturday evening with friends from work but nope it just was not right!! He called in using his teachers phone and checked in now and then. Saturday he calls to say his best friend was down with high temperature and that the teacher said he was going to be brought back to Chennai. He sounded worried. I texted that boy’s mom to hear he was alright and would be returning with the kids on the train back. He was at his uncle’s place there. Next day when I told this to A, I could hear his sigh of relief! Each call he was all stories of where he went. I listened with a grin plastered on my face soaking in the happiness of the child. Rainy Monday morning he called me as the bus left the station. Timed my trip to his pick up point. As the bus came in, the parents went in to crowd the exit as the kids got down with their bags. I stood at a distance. Shame on me, I could not spot the tiny kid that A is among the bigger classmates of his! (yeah he is one of the tiny kids….). He came rolling his suitcase and that impish smile on his face and hugged me! With that came the query “Amma can we drop A & S at their home??” Those kids were right behind him smiling 🙂 . Of course we dropped those boys off and headed home.

He is talking a mile a minute!! I shake my head and then think damn this is what I was   missGifting all weekend.

He lands, starts unpacking. Amma this is for you, and this and this  (pic)…. then runs out and gives my mum a set of beautiful green bangles [“ammamma every other bangle was very jazzy and you wouldn’t wear those”], my dad a box of biscuits. Tells my dad there was nothing else I could get you.

He makes me wear the ring, admiring his own choice. Recounts his shopping experience on how he bargained. Oh he was so proud!! The mom in me was telling him ok now go have your shower and change for lunch!!

He could not stop talking about his trip! He has written a journal too! (bad mom: am yet to read it! 😦 ) He said on the way back on the train, he kept checking on his friend every hour for temperature spikes all night! He said he was warm around 11 but it came back to normal later. His friend didn’t know!

This post has been sitting in drafts since Tuesday morning! Life is back to normal now, yelling at him to get ready for school, the usual rigmarole! This trip has memories for him and a note for me on how thoughtful this child is. It was not taught – no I don’t think I ever did anything towards that. I hope he always remains this kind & thoughtful and not get jaded/bitter by life! – A proud parent 🙂

Turmoil

25 Aug 2016. Penning it down as one really horrible day. Janmashtami. Wanted to & told A that I would make something if not all of the goodies that are made. I had been working day in day out. I asked if I could take the day off. Yes I had not planned for the day off & refused to “fall sick”. Answer: no problem as long as you finish these tasks ( cannot be done taking the day off). So down the drain Janmashtami plans go. Grand sweets & snacks come to the rescue and even that my father goes and purchases the previous day while I had got home at 8, logging right into work as I got into my room! 

I love working. Times when I feel & know that as days roll on to years, I would have nothing left in my life but work to occupy me. I want to prove to myself that I can having heard of how much a failure I would be at work from someone who i am trying hard to block out. 

That said, of course I also want to be a good mother. Well known fact that I have no one else. 

Last few weeks I have been putting in my all at my job. And today I was told twice in the same day I was doing nothing. One was supposed to be a casual remark, a joke. At the time I just responded saying yeah it was fun doing nothing and getting paid. Evening comes and the supervisor remarks the same way. Skipping lunch ( not helping my losing weight goals), not doing anything at home; slogging my arse off to hear this! Made my day indeed 😏

Come home. Kiddo is off to an overnight camp at school. All he did was get the consent on the form. He has made all arrangements to be dropped off ( his bag must be given & school bag collected after  school time) , picked up (on Saturday) by my father. I said Friday was alright but why didn’t you tell me to pick up on Saturday?! His answer – “you will be tired Amma. That is why!! You could rest up. ”

I hate myself. Giving it all in a place where I have to hear that I have done nothing. Giving nothing at all and hearing that!! 

What did I do!? Lost it with the kid and said he didn’t need me and I might as well be non-existent. I can’t even begin to say how much I have not done.  (Which I am cos I am doing nothing for him). 

Lying in bed this morning, looking at him sleeping, I wonder. What the hell am I doing??  What have I proved to myself?? I have gone nowhere at work & am getting it worse at home. Is anyone happy?? 

Missing out on things cos I have to work – events with A, meet ups with friends, dance recitals, weddings…. I have not even caught up with friends over a phone call! Yes I have been too caught up catching up with chores over the weekend to even spend time with A. ( when he will now, he already makes other plans without me now!! )

Not even making a dent with all effort at work. Being non-existent in even plans at home. I might as well really not exist!!

I have lost out everywhere. Had asked long back what is success & what is failure? Right now I know I have failed – in everything!! 

Selfless or …?

First post of the year 2016!

A question to all the parents (especially mothers out there…) Have you at some point of time even for a minute thought…sigh wish I didn’t have that child of mine? Confession: I have…many times over!

I have wondered how life would be without A. I have wondered if he would be better off without me in his life. I wonder how life would be once he goes off to pursue his own in a few years. Wondering how it would be if he were living in a home which is perceived as normal by society…so on… All this sometimes just during reflection and most times during despair/exasperation (sometimes forced upon …).

So, does just thinking such things make one a bad mother? Does voicing this out to a friend amount to him being a burden on me? Suddenly, all the efforts I put into him being happy/healthy (the best I can at least given my circumstances) fizzles out! “Why don’t you send him back to his dad if you think he is so much of a burden?!” . Wow!! Really?

I stumbled on this post on the Onion :  Jessica Drexler mentions her kid is the second-most important thing in her life. Intrigued I read further and she ends saying “It’s mostly about you”.

That sort of thought would not be welcome here…. Mothers should be selfless, sacrificing! What is this talk about “me”?!?  It should always be kid first (or so I am given to understand….else the kid is a burden!)

Lesson learnt! Either put kids first or just don’t voice any idea otherwise 😀

This is a world of only façades….you must not display anything out of the norm. Everyone is and should be the ideal perceived person 🙂

In the wake of this revelation: I hereby declare….I am nothing without A. He is and always be my life, my breath and my all. I am a nobody and he is my be all & end all 🙂 There is nothing called self-love once you have a kid!

Happy Deepavali!

A Festival of Lights – well more of noise & smoke and diets going for a toss!

IMG_0658.JPG
A enjoyed his Deepavali. I tried to get him to say no to crackers & failed miserably – it was mixed emotions felt wonderful to see the joy on his face and horrible at not being able to convince the kid to be pollution free.
I felt sorry for my neighbour’s dog who was going ballistic.
For my part, I cooked yummy snacks. Our forefathers were good at planning. Make all this…while it rains outside, eat with tea/ coffee. Maybe they could have foreseen a bit more and went lax on the crackers?!
At least it is good to keep the mosquitoes & other insects away ( may be that was their thinking and we in our generation go overboard?! )

time lapse video of A and a flowerpot
Also puts us into perspective that all things come with pluses & minuses. It is definitely a festival that brings all together!

Those who like fireworks , those who don’t. Those who love food, those who don’t. Those who watch all those special programmes on TV channels ( read new movies), those who don’t – well you get the picture 🙂
Happy Deepavali all!!
PS: update on day 43 of 100 happy days (next post may be on that?? 🙂 )

Is it just me?

Is it just me? I am told that I think too much, over-think and what not! I am just worried about making more mistakes and messing things up for me. More importantly, I do not want to mess things up for A.

I am facing a crucial decision. Do I leave A here with my parents to pursue my so-called career? Do I change things yet again, take him along (struggle with the nightmare of school admissions in India, after school care with me working late almost every day)? Do I not take this up, quit & find something else to do (have nothing right now with not many prospects for a person like me)? Is my so-called career that important?

I may be mad. Questions bog my mind down. I really am tired of trying & failing over and over again. I am scared! This is a time I wish I did not have A in my life so it would not make a difference even if I failed.

On a different note…..What is it with some people?! They behave a certain way. If you do the same to them, they are all how can you? What is wrong with you etc..?! I am just tired of social interactions even. People seem to want to interact just if they want to. I am tired of people who I now feel are so superficial, artificial!! I find way too many people treat others as “use & throw”. Any kind of relationship seems to come with an expiry date! It is scary to even think of becoming someone’s friend. One wonders when will one become unnecessary…. ready to be thrown away! May be I am just tired of being the one who tries to keep it going – pinging/mailing/calling. At a point, I do feel like am I that desperate? Why can I not just not bother and only answer if the other contacts me?! Everyone does seem OK with this on & off kind of behaviour at all levels of relationships! I am not!!!

I guess it is just me!! I don’t know when this will end? My never ending questions & doubts….. probably when I end?! May be people like me should be extinct?!?

 

What do you want?

Confusion
What do you want?

This is a question I have been & am being asked a lot.

I found this link when I googled the question! (Yeah I googled it to see if I can find some answer!!)

There are quite a few things that I resonate with. I am not too Zen kind of a person….

So…what do I want?! (From that list in random…)

  1. to have some clarity of mind;
  2. to be in the ocean of love and wisdom;
  3. to feel connected and not separated and lost would change my life;
  4. to stop searching answers to unanswerable questions and just live;
  5. it would drastically change my life having a clear objective and a clear way of pursuing it;
  6. to be intimate and less afraid;
  7. to have peace of mind;
  8. to be free from worry and fear
  9. to have silence in my head;
  10. to turn off that inner voice always talking;
  11. to get rid of unwanted negative thoughts;
  12. to stop judging my thoughts;
  13. to be able to find fulfillment in my career.
  14. to feel more free, and that my many, many obligations would not be an obstacle to feel free.
  15. to know that what I’m doing is worthwhile – raising kids (well A in my case), the work I do, the way I live my life and interact with people

Wow!! That is quite a list right?! Well…. This exercise has just left me thinking that I clearly don’t know what I want or this is too general a list?!? I think these are things that most people want and are in pursuit of.

I just know that I still quite don’t know what I want! All I want is that I don’t make any mistakes that will affect my child in any wrong way!!! If God exists, just give this to me!! He has had enough trauma in this short time to last him a lifetime. He deserves happiness, a carefree childhood. I want that!

That is my train of thought. I think I am insane!!!!

Child’s Elephant

A loves to use MS Paint like apps. He lets his imagination loose. Just have a look at the elephant he has “drawn”. He says that it is a baby elephant that is cute & talks. Apparently it is as cute as him and doesn’t trouble it’s mom to eat! He is very proud of his baby elephant and am proud of my baby!! 🙂 He definitely is a plus in my life as much as I say otherwise!!

A’s wisdom

We were driving on a hot day (well all days are hot here in Chennai!!). My friend was driving with A sitting behind in the car. A was reading all the sign boards found on the road – on the sides, above and everywhere he could read something! (Should may be carry books in the car?! 🙂 )  One of the signs he reads

Don’t drink & drive.

My driver friend feeling thirsty at that point of time, took a swig from the bottle of water in the car! 🙂 It is now quite anyone’s guess about what followed! LOL! A goes…hey don’t drink and drive. It says so everywhere, that is the rule.

Now…do I explain about what is meant by drinking or do I laugh my head off!? Of course I did the latter. My friend went on saying hey..explain to him as he is not willing to listen to me! 🙂 Fun time! 😀

So, had to tell him he is right, but there is a tweak to what the sign meant. He did not get what alcohol was or the effects. I had to induce that wisdom which made me think…how much do we say? What do we say? I guess now I must dread the birds & bees talk!! Or am I hitting the panic button a bit too early?!

I digress (as usual!). It was a fun day, had a good laugh thanks to A’s wisdom. I would definitely follow it, and urge everyone else to do so too!!

Don’t drink & drive. It causes accidents.

Stop, take a swig and go on 😉 Just kidding! On a serious note, personally knowing people who lost loved ones due to drunk driving, we must vow to do everything to stop that!

slumber…

2 months since my last post. I cannot say I have been busy – no. I cannot say I had nothing to write about – not really. Why did I not post at all?! I don’t know. I guess I’ll say that I am sticking to blogging without obligations! 😉

Well, updates – A claims that he is a big boy now and I must give it to him…he acts like one most of the time. Even questions me about where I am going, who I am going to meet if I go out without him. Asks me to get home safe!!! (Role reversal full swing! LOL!! ) Let’s see how things go when he is a teenager ….  He just came and told me he is bored of staying home this week (school off for holidays). He not only wants to get to school but wants to go to the next grade!!!

Will be starting a new job come Monday! Nervous, excited and not thinking about what next or is this is the right choice! Trying to live to the “Carpe Diem” attitude (just trying…). With regards to P & the divorce, status quo remains. Sometimes wonder if at all it would end… in the fullness of time I guess.

Life is going on. I am trying hard to not have expectations – failing most of the time. Dreading things that are coming up, but don’t want to lose out on life right now either. Bursting to tell all to some, but holding back all the same. I must say conflict, thy name is Apar! 😉

I must thank those who have enquired about me and why I was not posting! Made me feel nice. Good to know that there are those out there who care  🙂 All is not really well, but I am surviving. Getting used to just floating past, must be glad that I am doing that and not drowning! (is that a blink of optimism?! probably rubbing off of some friends who keep talking to me 😉 )

I have no idea when I will write next. I will definitely try post something more often. Until then…for those still around – thanks for hanging on! To those who are still patient with all my moods – thanks a million!!