Turmoil

25 Aug 2016. Penning it down as one really horrible day. Janmashtami. Wanted to & told A that I would make something if not all of the goodies that are made. I had been working day in day out. I asked if I could take the day off. Yes I had not planned for the day off & refused to “fall sick”. Answer: no problem as long as you finish these tasks ( cannot be done taking the day off). So down the drain Janmashtami plans go. Grand sweets & snacks come to the rescue and even that my father goes and purchases the previous day while I had got home at 8, logging right into work as I got into my room! 

I love working. Times when I feel & know that as days roll on to years, I would have nothing left in my life but work to occupy me. I want to prove to myself that I can having heard of how much a failure I would be at work from someone who i am trying hard to block out. 

That said, of course I also want to be a good mother. Well known fact that I have no one else. 

Last few weeks I have been putting in my all at my job. And today I was told twice in the same day I was doing nothing. One was supposed to be a casual remark, a joke. At the time I just responded saying yeah it was fun doing nothing and getting paid. Evening comes and the supervisor remarks the same way. Skipping lunch ( not helping my losing weight goals), not doing anything at home; slogging my arse off to hear this! Made my day indeed 😏

Come home. Kiddo is off to an overnight camp at school. All he did was get the consent on the form. He has made all arrangements to be dropped off ( his bag must be given & school bag collected after  school time) , picked up (on Saturday) by my father. I said Friday was alright but why didn’t you tell me to pick up on Saturday?! His answer – “you will be tired Amma. That is why!! You could rest up. ”

I hate myself. Giving it all in a place where I have to hear that I have done nothing. Giving nothing at all and hearing that!! 

What did I do!? Lost it with the kid and said he didn’t need me and I might as well be non-existent. I can’t even begin to say how much I have not done.  (Which I am cos I am doing nothing for him). 

Lying in bed this morning, looking at him sleeping, I wonder. What the hell am I doing??  What have I proved to myself?? I have gone nowhere at work & am getting it worse at home. Is anyone happy?? 

Missing out on things cos I have to work – events with A, meet ups with friends, dance recitals, weddings…. I have not even caught up with friends over a phone call! Yes I have been too caught up catching up with chores over the weekend to even spend time with A. ( when he will now, he already makes other plans without me now!! )

Not even making a dent with all effort at work. Being non-existent in even plans at home. I might as well really not exist!!

I have lost out everywhere. Had asked long back what is success & what is failure? Right now I know I have failed – in everything!! 

Conflicting…

How many of us have been told …hey look and learn from that person? How much has he/she scored in some test or look at how well she/he does things? Keeping up with the Joneses has been a concept everywhere. Some time or other, we certainly have been told to be better. Look at people who are better to strive to be that way. We have been tuned to want better stuff in life. Appraisal time at work, ratings amongst peer group – obviously we all want to be above peer group. Everywhere we have to do more than we did or someone else did.

Now where is the conflict?

I am talking only about how the situation is with me. I do wonder if it is the same with others out there. When I feel down & think of my life – am told hey look, there is this person who is struggling to just get a meal a day. There is that person desperate to have a child. Count your blessings. You have a job, a kid, a roof above your head, etc etc….

So, when at that time I snap and say why must I not want more. Why must I not want a proper family (as in a dad for my child)? A house I own? or a job where I learn, improve & earn? I am told I am insensitive.

My question is when do have to stop wanting to be better? When should one stop trying and disregard the try, try till you succeed saying?

Even all those proverbs are conflicting…one can use whatever depending on which side they want to speak on

Knowledge is power vs. Ignorance is bliss
Absence makes the heart grow fonder vs. Out of sight, out of mind
Nothing ventured, nothing gained vs. Better safe than sorry….

The list goes on.

Do I keep thinking that life will get better? Or do I just say, fine I am blessed to be alive & accept the way things are?

Guess the cliché “time will tell” is what I will be told. I guess it will be way too late & my life will be over when time does tell….I do think that my life is already over when I hear of how I must be just satisfied with what I am blessed with!! Wonder if I ever will be wise/mature enough to understand when I must want to strive to be better & when I must sit back/ relax?!

Conflict

I am sure there are many out there who will go..there she goes again! Well, I feel that too… there I go again!

Mulling over things, I am feeling really conflicted. I know I am supposed to just go with the flow, I do. Then I stop to question. Try find answers to the million things that pop into my mind! Is this right? If yes, where is it going? The whats, the whys, the hows, the whens, the wheres, the whos….name the question and it is there in this tiny brain of mine. Driving me crazy as I am not able to find any answers either! As a friend said, “alright you get an answer then what? you will get more questions from that answer you get!” True enough. So the cycle goes on.

I know it is impractical to keep wondering but just cannot stop myself! I probably will be certified as mad. Then I come across this from a friend

It is us, that is limiting us. The Us that is abundance of energy and power. A source of unfailing spirit that is there to find. We need look inward to discover it. Not run around to find it. Ask yourself before you ask anybody else. That is truth of the life that is Us. Then comes a time when words begin to follow; Words of life,that are breath of fresh air; Healing the contrite hearts; So a spirit of realization dawned to the ecstacy of life. This what we call the “Defining Moment”.

So now one more question – Do we ask ourselves or not?! How do I find the “defining moment” as it were?!

Alright this is one of the crazier posts I have written. The few who know what is going on in my mind would probably get this; for others it might just be rambling on.  I don’t know if I have any power or energy let alone abundance of it; but I sure do want some realisation to happen – the truth of life! Doubt if I ever will find any answers ever! Just hoping that I lose some of the questions. Just getting tired of asking some over and over. For the curious few out there – some are when will I get done with the divorce? (classic example), What after that? so on and so forth….

Just feeling overwhelmed with everything in life so far. I just want some things to get over with, get some clarity in a few others that is happening, learn how to deal with all of it without really getting hurt & depressed, get over the fact that I am not really traditional in that sense of the word, learn to accept my wackiness, live with those consequences too. Knowing that I am not one to follow the well-trodden path, I must learn not to feel hurt when such a person expresses his/her opinion & to deal with handling those. Too many things to learn, too many to understand and quite a few to unlearn as well.

Here is to life, its questions & challenges! May there be more to life and less to the questions & challenges 😉